Withholding sex is no different from cheating
Dec 19, 2023 10:02:29 GMT -5
hopingforachange, ironhamster, and 5 more like this
Post by greatcoastal on Dec 19, 2023 10:02:29 GMT -5
medium.com/heart-affairs/withholding-sex-from-your-partner-is-no-different-from-cheating-let-me-explain-3b1c608c6328
Withholding Sex From Your Partner Is No Different From Cheating — Let Me Explain
Relationship contracts are at the heart of it.
Tee Mugayi
Before we start, let’s get some definitions out of the way to avoid any potential misunderstanding.
When I use the term “withholding sex” it’s in reference to any individual who abstains from sexual intimacy for arbitrary reasons that have nothing to do with a medical condition, physical or otherwise.
It’s when people persistently refuse sex just because they feel like it while simultaneously expecting their partner to put up with it and remain loyal to them. No attempt is made to address the issue, and neither do they provide alternative ways of meeting their partner’s needs.
In simple terms, withholding sex is when they treat sexual intimacy like a one-way street.
With that said, everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy when in a relationship. There should never be sexual coercion or force regardless of whether you are dating or married. Sex is a privilege, not a right.
However, the problem here isn’t about consent or whether your partner has the right to say no. Most sane individuals would wholeheartedly agree that no one owes anybody sex.
The issue has everything to do with breaching the relationship contract.
You see, the vast majority of people enter relationships with expectations.
These include aspects like communication, trust, loyalty, and sexual exclusivity if the relationship is monogamous.
They form the basis of relationship preferences or deal breakers. In some cases, expectations can influence the types of boundaries we impose.
So, when we combine expectations, boundaries, and preferences, we come up with what I liken to a relationship contract that’s either verbalized or implied.
This “contract” outlines the rules each party has to abide by to keep the relationships healthy.
Since monogamy implies sex can only happen within the confines of the relationship, refusing your partner is a breach of the exclusivity contract, much like cheating is a breach of trust and commitment.
If a couple enters a relationship with the explicit agreement that sex is not a requirement, then withholding sex would not be considered a breach of their relationship contract.
Most people, however, do not desire to be in a sexless relationship. Sex is, after all, one of the biggest differentiators between platonic and romantic.
It just irks me when I see people hold cheaters to a different standard to those who withhold sex when both are equally as egregious.
Is cheating really more harmful?
I understand there could be an argument that getting cheated on has more negative consequences, to which my response would be to head over to the dead bedrooms subreddit and read some of the sad, harrowing stories from tens of thousands of people suffering because they can’t get sex from their partner.
Even if we look at it from the perspective of lying and deception, something strongly associated with cheating, withholding sex involves the same fundamental issues.
The withholding partner has to manipulate, pretend, deflect, and come up with excuses to appease the begging partner. Never mind people who enter a relationship when they don’t feel much sexual desire toward their partner, only to close off the sexual facet once married.
I believe people tend to have a visceral reaction to cheating because it is covert while lying about not wanting sex is usually overt — it’s easier for people to spot the deceptiveness of infidelity.
And then there is the whole religious influence that has been ever-present in society. Adultery has been and is still considered a major sin; the same cannot be said about withholding sex. It all plays a role in making people perceive cheating as far worse.
The one concession I might grant is the physical harm element, in that cheating can spread STDs, but that’s easily negated with the use of protection or having sex with a clean partner.
Sex is a need
When having these types of conversations, we must keep in mind that sexual intimacy is a fundamental need for a great deal of people. Without it, they would feel betrayed, frustrated, emotionally distant, and unhappy with the relationship — the very same emotions someone who’s been cheated on would feel.
The action might not be the same, but the overall impact often is.
Parting words
Is there any noticeable repetition and or redundancy in this piece, and does it make sense?:
Whenever someone cheats, the knee-jerk reaction is to tell that person to leave — and rightfully so. Cheating is a breach of a fundamental rule of monogamy: sexual exclusivity between two people.
At the same time, I believe if someone arbitrarily decides to withhold sex for a prolonged period, their partner should also leave and never look back.
Leave if you feel your expectations are not being met so long they are reasonable and communicated.
Far too many people have been conditioned to believe that ending a relationship because of sex is somehow morally incomprehensible when, in reality, it’s not. This belief leads people to stay in sexually incompatible relationships that make them miserable.
Ultimately, the severity of any relationship issue will vary. We all have different thresholds for what we can tolerate. What matters most is the willingness to work together to find solutions to problems that might arise and, if that fails, to have the courage to end things amicably.
Withholding Sex From Your Partner Is No Different From Cheating — Let Me Explain
Relationship contracts are at the heart of it.
Tee Mugayi
Before we start, let’s get some definitions out of the way to avoid any potential misunderstanding.
When I use the term “withholding sex” it’s in reference to any individual who abstains from sexual intimacy for arbitrary reasons that have nothing to do with a medical condition, physical or otherwise.
It’s when people persistently refuse sex just because they feel like it while simultaneously expecting their partner to put up with it and remain loyal to them. No attempt is made to address the issue, and neither do they provide alternative ways of meeting their partner’s needs.
In simple terms, withholding sex is when they treat sexual intimacy like a one-way street.
With that said, everyone is entitled to bodily autonomy when in a relationship. There should never be sexual coercion or force regardless of whether you are dating or married. Sex is a privilege, not a right.
However, the problem here isn’t about consent or whether your partner has the right to say no. Most sane individuals would wholeheartedly agree that no one owes anybody sex.
The issue has everything to do with breaching the relationship contract.
You see, the vast majority of people enter relationships with expectations.
These include aspects like communication, trust, loyalty, and sexual exclusivity if the relationship is monogamous.
They form the basis of relationship preferences or deal breakers. In some cases, expectations can influence the types of boundaries we impose.
So, when we combine expectations, boundaries, and preferences, we come up with what I liken to a relationship contract that’s either verbalized or implied.
This “contract” outlines the rules each party has to abide by to keep the relationships healthy.
Since monogamy implies sex can only happen within the confines of the relationship, refusing your partner is a breach of the exclusivity contract, much like cheating is a breach of trust and commitment.
If a couple enters a relationship with the explicit agreement that sex is not a requirement, then withholding sex would not be considered a breach of their relationship contract.
Most people, however, do not desire to be in a sexless relationship. Sex is, after all, one of the biggest differentiators between platonic and romantic.
It just irks me when I see people hold cheaters to a different standard to those who withhold sex when both are equally as egregious.
Is cheating really more harmful?
I understand there could be an argument that getting cheated on has more negative consequences, to which my response would be to head over to the dead bedrooms subreddit and read some of the sad, harrowing stories from tens of thousands of people suffering because they can’t get sex from their partner.
Even if we look at it from the perspective of lying and deception, something strongly associated with cheating, withholding sex involves the same fundamental issues.
The withholding partner has to manipulate, pretend, deflect, and come up with excuses to appease the begging partner. Never mind people who enter a relationship when they don’t feel much sexual desire toward their partner, only to close off the sexual facet once married.
I believe people tend to have a visceral reaction to cheating because it is covert while lying about not wanting sex is usually overt — it’s easier for people to spot the deceptiveness of infidelity.
And then there is the whole religious influence that has been ever-present in society. Adultery has been and is still considered a major sin; the same cannot be said about withholding sex. It all plays a role in making people perceive cheating as far worse.
The one concession I might grant is the physical harm element, in that cheating can spread STDs, but that’s easily negated with the use of protection or having sex with a clean partner.
Sex is a need
When having these types of conversations, we must keep in mind that sexual intimacy is a fundamental need for a great deal of people. Without it, they would feel betrayed, frustrated, emotionally distant, and unhappy with the relationship — the very same emotions someone who’s been cheated on would feel.
The action might not be the same, but the overall impact often is.
Parting words
Is there any noticeable repetition and or redundancy in this piece, and does it make sense?:
Whenever someone cheats, the knee-jerk reaction is to tell that person to leave — and rightfully so. Cheating is a breach of a fundamental rule of monogamy: sexual exclusivity between two people.
At the same time, I believe if someone arbitrarily decides to withhold sex for a prolonged period, their partner should also leave and never look back.
Leave if you feel your expectations are not being met so long they are reasonable and communicated.
Far too many people have been conditioned to believe that ending a relationship because of sex is somehow morally incomprehensible when, in reality, it’s not. This belief leads people to stay in sexually incompatible relationships that make them miserable.
Ultimately, the severity of any relationship issue will vary. We all have different thresholds for what we can tolerate. What matters most is the willingness to work together to find solutions to problems that might arise and, if that fails, to have the courage to end things amicably.
