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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 27, 2024 13:11:14 GMT -5
Chicken and egg question?
Which came first? The woman who manipulated her husband?
Or the woman who manipulated her therapist?
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jan 27, 2024 13:20:36 GMT -5
Watching this live
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 29, 2024 16:36:47 GMT -5
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 6, 2024 20:37:03 GMT -5
One of the biggest favors my X ever did me was refuse counseling. She told me we didn't need it. She didn't say this because we were fine; she said this because she didn't want to waste her time, because she knew she didn't want to have sex. "Oh, but wait!! For a thousand dollars this doctor will tell you why you really do want to have sex with me!! Yeah, no.
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 24, 2024 19:33:21 GMT -5
We did couples therapy (at my prompting) and, as the HL wife, I was still fully on board to repair our marriage. But that experience revealed to me just how incapable he was at finding compromise.
We both had kinks the other wasn't into (mine being me playing a more submissive role and him a more dominant one; his being a feederism fetish). But I narrowed my preferences all the way down to just having sex with me on bottom sometimes instead of constant cowgirl.
He went many weeks just not having one at all. But then when he finally presented his "compromise", all it was was requesting I "just maintain the current weight" instead of continuing to aim for higher numbers in pursuit of his ideal fat belly. That current weight was still 230 lb and accepting his "compromise" would have still meant giving up my bodily autonomy for his sexual gratification.
We continued sessions for months and did find little nuggets of value here and there. But when it came to handling his laser-focused sexual interest and how that impacts his disinterest in me, no progress was ever made. So, sessions eventually stopped and we went back to square one...
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 24, 2024 23:19:06 GMT -5
Couples therapy can't magically give you the marriage you want. If you're doing all of the work in couples therapy while your spouse just goes through the motions, that's your proof that your marriage will never be what you want. If I'd realized that, I'd have left my marriage when I walked out of the couples therapy because my refuser wasn't participating in it.
More people need to know this. If there's little or no change in couples therapy that means you will never have the marriage you want. Your choice is to stay married or to leave your marriage.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 25, 2024 5:10:08 GMT -5
We did couples therapy (at my prompting) and, as the HL wife, I was still fully on board to repair our marriage. But that experience revealed to me just how incapable he was at finding compromise. We both had kinks the other wasn't into (mine being me playing a more submissive role and him a more dominant one; his being a feederism fetish). But I narrowed my preferences all the way down to just having sex with me on bottom sometimes instead of constant cowgirl. He went many weeks just not having one at all. But then when he finally presented his "compromise", all it was was requesting I "just maintain the current weight" instead of continuing to aim for higher numbers in pursuit of his ideal fat belly. That current weight was still 230 lb and accepting his "compromise" would have still meant giving up my bodily autonomy for his sexual gratification. We continued sessions for months and did find little nuggets of value here and there. But when it came to handling his laser-focused sexual interest and how that impacts his disinterest in me, no progress was ever made. So, sessions eventually stopped and we went back to square one... Didn't say this on your other threads, but congrats for recognizing the unfair, frankly irresponsible nature of your husband's request. I guess feeling your weight is part of the kink, thus the cowgirl focus. The sad part is, there's lots of neglected unappreciated heavy women out there. This guy can't link up with one? He's got to have the hovvie (heavy hottie) he personally created? I started rolling around ideas about some kind of simulation treats like I heard Dan Savage suggest when a guy was pressed to confess his fantasies about "vore". (Fair warning, some of you will not be able to un-read this.) But even if you could pull off such a thing. Why? A base desire of much of humanity is to be accepted. Engaging in fantasies involving someone else can be unsettling, but not necessarily invalidating. This is wanting us to be someone else. I've heard when you marry, you get who you've got. They will change, but molding the person is a recipe for trouble. It can work, but it's a bad start and you are making your life much tougher. Not that I entirely want to help, given this impasse I think your husband is at, but I'm curious when you say "constant". You don't switch in the middle? Take turns? The cowgirl may be more of the same indulgement. He likes the crushing sensation? (as feeble as your paltry 170 pounds can manage) I'll also beg of you to accept any difficulties you have returning to your original weight. I'd have every expectation your body will have done weird metabolic things to you while you were expressing your deepest kindness to your husband at your own personal health's cost. Bodies like to stay where they are or get heavier. Getting lighter sends signals of famine threat to our genes and our bodies fight us hard. Be aware you've had a roadblock put in front of you and be self-compassionate if your efforts are challenging. I'd highly recommend avoiding any extreme measures to shed the last 10, 20 pounds. It may backfire insidiously. Health professionals may have guidance if you're hell-bent on a specific goal. Your "fantasy" about being dominated with the missionary position seems odd to qualify as "kink", but perhaps it is. How acceptable a kink is may well have much to do with the frequency one comes across it. I'd sooner expect cowgirl to be a kink and side to side, the same. So... all sex is a kink? I better stop. I'm giving refusers ammo fr their next couples counseling session. I'll fulfill my usual M.O. and ask the question whether you'd tolerate an open marriage. He can get him a lady who wants to be fed and crush him, you can get some perv that wants missionary position most of the time. You both have each other as a lifetime partner you like, can face the future with, grow old together, and sit on the porch rocking in chairs laughing about the crazy sh*t you did throughout your younger years. If he says "No", then he would need to reconcile that he's never getting his fantasies properly filled, or he needs to unlink sexual excitement from those fantasies. When a kink is required to be sexually aroused, it graduates to "fetish". The more rare your kink, the harder a fetish will be indulge. His includes potential damage to a partner he ostensibly loves. If he can unlink, it's a good idea, whether your marriage survives this or not. If he's too far gone to enjoy intimacy with you, as you are, as you seem to suggest by having come to ILIASM, he may also need to invest in sex as a connection ritual, focusing on your needs and enjoying the capacity he has to provide you with intimacy. He cannot meet his own needs yet (he'd need to find a feeding partner in an open marriage), but more conventional lovemaking sessions with an appreciative stick thin wife like yourself may participate in the unlinking. He may love you enough to make the first several sessions "all about you" and find he can respond in a conventional manner and grow to appreciate its value and crave it in addition to his lively solo sex life. (Or, in extraordinarily lucky circumstances, cure himself and rid yourselves of a need for opening the marriage) |
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Post by littlesunshine666 on Apr 25, 2024 16:23:29 GMT -5
Not that I entirely want to help, given this impasse I think your husband is at, but I'm curious when you say "constant". You don't switch in the middle? Take turns? The cowgirl may be more of the same indulgement. He likes the crushing sensation? (as feeble as your paltry 170 pounds can manage) Yeah, there's no switching in the middle. It's cowgirl from start to finish every damn time. I wasn't used to the position and it made my hips hurt at first. But I kept at it and eventually got the hang of it. In comparison, I ask him to be on top in missionary. Result: endless promises of "not tonight. next time?" or saying he lacks upper body strength and it's uncomfortable for him. No, my full kink is being physically and/or psychologically dominated. Being manhandled, hand necklaces, spanking, rougher sex, restraints, impact play, daddy Dom vibes. But all of those interests of mine were whittled down to "well, can I at least be on bottom sometimes?" as a workable compromise I could live with. It would give me a hint of physical domination and that would be enough to get my engine going. And it seemed to be a reasonable compromise. But he says the position doesn't work as well for him or is uncomfortable. I think he just likes lying on his back while I do the majority of the work since lying on his back is his typical masturbation position tbh... Yes yes YES! But again, open marriage got a "no" from him. That was how his previous marriage ended and he's scared of stepping into that world again. Additionally, he said he doesn't like the idea of me feeling like another man desires me more than he does. (And I nearly chomped my tongue off biting back the reply "...because it would be true?"). Regarding unblinking sexual excitement from his fetish, that is the final frontier of our marriage imo. But he refuses to see his fetish as a problem, much less a problem that needs solving. To him, it's a me problem, there's nothing he can do about it, and there's nothing I can say about it that doesn't qualify as demonizing it/him. I've been fighting for a while to get any focus on my needs. Finally got foreplay on the table back then, but it felt shitty because he'd look bored or zone out. And it's hard to feel thrilled about someone touching you when they're staring off into space and mentally elsewhere... And when I finally gave up trying to find ways to meet his fetish needs and proposed some of mine for the first time, he just shot them down without even trying them because he "wasn't into that". After that fact, he did admit that he occasionally has feelings along the lines of "well, if I can't get my thing, it feels unfair that you get yours". |
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Post by deadzone75 on May 1, 2024 15:07:56 GMT -5
We did couples therapy (at my prompting) and, as the HL wife, I was still fully on board to repair our marriage. But that experience revealed to me just how incapable he was at finding compromise. We both had kinks the other wasn't into (mine being me playing a more submissive role and him a more dominant one; his being a feederism fetish). But I narrowed my preferences all the way down to just having sex with me on bottom sometimes instead of constant cowgirl. He went many weeks just not having one at all. But then when he finally presented his "compromise", all it was was requesting I "just maintain the current weight" instead of continuing to aim for higher numbers in pursuit of his ideal fat belly. That current weight was still 230 lb and accepting his "compromise" would have still meant giving up my bodily autonomy for his sexual gratification. We continued sessions for months and did find little nuggets of value here and there. But when it came to handling his laser-focused sexual interest and how that impacts his disinterest in me, no progress was ever made. So, sessions eventually stopped and we went back to square one... I think a big problem in many marriages, SM or otherwise, is one party being dismissive of one's fantasies. In my SM, I developed a fantasy that I'm not sure I would have developed if I had been having regular sex. Now, the marriage was doomed anyway, but let's just say the response to it was lukewarm, and there was never so much as an attempt at a compromise. Without communication and compromise, you are giving your partner the middle finger and telling them to deal with it. And they eventually just might...somewhere else, with someone else. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 3, 2024 16:55:10 GMT -5
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Post by mirrororchid on May 7, 2024 6:07:03 GMT -5
Yeah, there's no switching in the middle. It's cowgirl from start to finish every damn time....I ask him to be on top in missionary. Result: endless promises of "not tonight. next time?" or saying he lacks upper body strength and it's uncomfortable for him. No, my full kink is being physically and/or psychologically dominated. Being manhandled, hand necklaces, spanking, rougher sex, restraints, impact play, daddy Dom vibes. But all of those interests of mine were whittled down to "well, can I at least be on bottom sometimes?"... ... Finally got foreplay on the table back then, but it felt shitty because he'd look bored or zone out. And it's hard to feel thrilled about someone touching you when they're staring off into space and mentally elsewhere... On another thread you described a breakthrough night of "just do it" sex. Was there any missionary involved? Any of the goodies you described? Or, no, there wasn't, but it was all good anyway? How was his upper body strength? If it was good, it was good. And if it was good, it may be good again, even if not a whole lot of checkboxes got ticked off. Don't let me downplay your success story. |
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Post by littlesunshine666 on May 12, 2024 2:21:05 GMT -5
On another thread you described a breakthrough night of "just do it" sex. Was there any missionary involved? Any of the goodies you described? Or, no, there wasn't, but it was all good anyway? How was his upper body strength? If it was good, it was good. And if it was good, it may be good again, even if not a whole lot of checkboxes got ticked off. Don't let me downplay your success story. There was no missionary involved, no elements of either of our kinks/fetishes. But it was so good because we actually felt connected and intimate for the first time in so many years. We still have work to do down the road and we're not out of the woods yet. But it was a major step forward for sure. |
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Post by toughtiger on May 31, 2024 8:41:59 GMT -5
so i just did one session of therapy myself .... because as i have said he is not interested there is nothing wrong
well i told her most of what i said here on my marriage and her answer..
divorce/ or if choose to stay have affairs .... this is the state of modern therapy .... glad it was covered and i did not pay for this same advice i got from this forum and my friends.... lmao
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on May 31, 2024 8:50:38 GMT -5
so i just did one session of therapy myself .... because as i have said he is not interested there is nothing wrong well i told her most of what i said here on my marriage and her answer.. divorce/ or if choose to stay have affairs .... this is the state of modern therapy .... glad it was covered and i did not pay for this same advice i got from this forum and my friends.... lmao That what it really comes down to. We all have needs. We get married with expectations that those needs will be met, especially if those needs are being met at the beginning. If our partners are not willing to help meet those needs it really only leaves 3 options. Divorce, cheat, accept. |
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Post by toughtiger on May 31, 2024 9:02:28 GMT -5
so i just did one session of therapy myself .... because as i have said he is not interested there is nothing wrong well i told her most of what i said here on my marriage and her answer.. divorce/ or if choose to stay have affairs .... this is the state of modern therapy .... glad it was covered and i did not pay for this same advice i got from this forum and my friends.... lmao That what it really comes down to. We all have needs. We get married with expectations that those needs will be met, especially if those needs are being met at the beginning. If our partners are not willing to help meet those needs it really only leaves 3 options. Divorce, cheat, accept. I get that but i was asking for help to work on my reactions to petty stuff ........to make my civil roommate thing more bearable ........she seemed overwhelmed by the whole situation and just resorted to that advice .... i had hoped for more work on my outlook and defusing my anger/ hostility..... instead a prescription to go hook up .... NOt that that has not crossed my mind but i guess i expected more .... i am going to make travel plans if my online friend wants to meet IRL |
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