www.drpsychmom.com/5-ways-to-tell-that-you-should-quit-couples-counseling/
COUPLES COUNSELING
5 Ways To Tell That You Should Quit Couples Counseling
Samantha Rodman Whiten — April 19, 20190
Many of my new couples clients ask me how long I think they will be in therapy. I can never give them an answer, because every couple is different (although research does indicate that the majority of change occurs within the first 6 months of treatment). Some couples have incremental progress, some have quick progress, and some actually get worse in counseling. How do you know when it is time to pull the plug? Here are 5 ways to tell that counseling may not be working for you and your partner.
It has been over 1-2 months and there is no change in how you think about the relationship.
Behavior change takes a while, but if there is no change in perspective or in empathy for one another, then either your therapist is a bad fit, or you and your partner are unable to make good use of therapy (often, due to anger, resentment, or being one foot out the door). Either try another counselor or take a break from therapy for a few months entirely, or both.
You feel worse (sadder, angrier, more hopeless) after every single session.
If you have had let’s say 5-10 sessions (no hard and fast rules here), and you and your partner feel more pessimistic after every one, then it is time to reevaluate. The first couple of sessions, where you explain what has brought you into counseling, may leave you both feeling fairly upset. But if this pattern continues unceasingly, do not continue down a road that is not working for you.
You are learning more about your partner and it is making you think worse of them.
Yes, there is a time when hearing the truth from your partner in session may hurt, but relatively soon thereafter you want to be able to feel like your increased understanding of their perspective will have a net positive effect on the relationship.
If you learn more about your partner’s views, intentions, background, thoughts, or feelings and this generally makes you feel more distant and less compatible, then it is time to regroup and think about the future of the relationship overall.
If greater authenticity leads to greater dissatisfaction, then you and your partner may not be able to be happy together long term.
You feel bored in session. If sessions progress very slowly or you feel tuned out, this could be because the therapist’s approach is a poor fit with your personality and needs. However, it could also be an indicator that your guard is up and your subconscious is preventing you from engaging wholly in treatment, because you’re scared to fully commit (i.e., you may be avoidant attachment).
You probably know which of these two is applicable to you, just by checking in with what your gut says. In the first case, you might want to try a new approach, and in the second, you may want to try deeper, insight-oriented individual counseling first before resuming couples work.
You instinctively know that there is no progress being made. This is Occam’s razor; the simplest explanation is most often correct. If you truly feel in your heart that sessions are a waste of time and money, do yourself a favor and find a new therapist, or take a break from therapy entirely.
No therapist wants to waste your time or their own in therapy! If any of the above resonate with you, take a step back and confer with your partner on whether you really want to continue.
However, before you choose to leave therapy, share your qualms or disappointments about the process of therapy with your therapist, even if doing so feels awkward. It is likely that your therapist may have felt the same as you, or has also felt stuck, and could collaborate with you on coming up with new ways to address the issues that you feel are being ignored.
This has happened to me in session myself; after a few sessions of no progress, one person mentions a specific issue that they feel isn’t being addressed, and it reinvigorates therapy and takes us in a whole new productive direction.
Stay strong, couples clients, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Therapy Isn’t For Everyone.
