Okay, so........I am on my way out any day now.......but still go through the motions, give opinions about upcoming things she mentions.........and all the while I feel like the biggest a-hole. I am not quite 'there' yet, for leaving, but I know I am - imminently - and so I feel like such a fraud continuing on with the charade. And YES, I have talked to her a number of times over the years about how fucked over i feel by everything she laid out (or retracted, as it were).........she just never heard me or showed any interest in flexibility or empathy.
How come I always end up being the one that feels badly about all of this? I had little, if anything, to do with where we find ourselves now......Done.
I guess I feel like it's best to just keep the status quo until I announce my decision to leave the marriage. What's the other option? To act cruel and hostile? That's just not me. But then why do I feel like a shit for 'play-acting' my way through these final days?
Until you're ready to drop the bomb, you need to continue as if you aren't, or find a way to distance yourself. If you can't do that, then perhaps it's time.
i.e., When you start being fatalistic, inexplicably uncooperative with planning, or non-committal it will lead to fresh problems and "death by 1000 cuts" instead of ripping off the bandage. You're essentially delivering the same message, but you're not explaining your actions.
I remember feeling this way during the weeks before I told my H I was divorcing him. It was insanely stressful trying to act normal, but it was important for me to wait until I had everything lined up before I told him (lawyer, a little money, etc, etc). I felt like a total fraud also. I would be sitting there being nice and feeling terrible because in __ days, I was going to drop a bomb on him. It was a huge relief to have it out in the open. I think it's natural to feel guilty when you know you're going to hurt someone, even if it is their own fault. You just have to stay clear in your own mind about why you want/need to do this.
If we were setting a date to go camping in a month, I wouldn't worry about it. If we were about to spend $$$$ to buy a camping trailer for the trip, I'd find a way to derail that. Likewise for $$$$ in non-changeable vacation flights for a Fall vacation. Or buying a new house / boat / car.
i.e., don't setup a catastrophe or dig your hole deeper. But everyday life plans can be changed after you break the news; too bad if it's inconvenient.
I was waiting for the holidays to be over, and getting through the holidays was excruciating. Especially since we spent the holidays at the home of his sister and her husband. I like them, and they like me...and I had this fear hanging over my head that once I broke up with my refuser, his sister would hate my guts.
I've always been a bit "black and white" in my thinking. For example, I was planning to have major surgery a couple of years ago. But the actual date was dependent on a number of factors (certain tests to be had, getting into the surgical cue, etc). The perfect job was posted and I should have applied. But I was worried about starting a job, and then having to say, "oh, by the way, I have surgery booked and need 8-10 weeks off for recovery."
Turns out, surgery didn't happen until the following year. I could have applied for the job. And I might have been the successful candidate.
I'm slowly learning that I cannot control the outcome. And need to be flexible when things change. Currently, dealing with my stepdad who is booking a family holiday for the Whole Family next Spring. He doesn't know that I am planning to separate from Roommate. Stepdad keeps calling the Roommate to ask him questions. But in reality, the Roommate may or may not be on the holiday (if we are getting along, he is welcome to join us; if he's being an ass, he is uninvited).
Long winded, but I get it. I felt the same. Unfortunately, I have taken far too long to move the separation forward, and I am past feeling fradulent. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be.
"The capacity that people have to love... Where does it go?" -- Truly, Madly, Deeply
Post by whisperingthunder on Apr 2, 2016 11:28:20 GMT -5
I think it's just a normal reaction to have in regards to leaving someone you loved/cared about, even if the feelings aren't the same now. You feel like you're being dishonest, which you are, to some extent. Plus it's the end of something that you hoped would turn out better. It's not going to be fun to unload the news, and you're now anticipating that happening.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5