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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 3, 2023 8:34:58 GMT -5
I am a long time member who migrated from the old EP site. I have been married for almost 22 years. My son will be 21 next year, so the excuse of staying for the kids is gone. My husband is retired(60) and I am 46. We spend everyday doing things together like friends. There has been zero sex in my marriage for over 15 years. I did outsource at one point but since moving to a new state five years ago, I haven’t ventured out. It is difficult because my husband isn’t a terrible person, he’s a good friend. He’s constantly saying I love you and kisses me on the cheek. It’s baffling to me. I started sleeping in my own room long ago and stopped debating the sexless issue with him. I honestly feel like I’m stuck in this loop, and can’t decide on the best course of action.
Outsourcing as an option was ok, but there are so many liars that it turns me off at times. I dread searching and trying to decipher those who are sincere or just game playing. It’s frustrating and angers me that I even have to be in that situation. I miss intimacy so much at times that I can cry about it for days. I just feel stuck…
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Dec 3, 2023 9:32:20 GMT -5
I am a long time member who migrated from the old EP site. I have been married for almost 22 years. My son will be 21 next year, so the excuse of staying for the kids is gone. My husband is retired(60) and I am 46. We spend everyday doing things together like friends. There has been zero sex in my marriage for over 15 years. I did outsource at one point but since moving to a new state five years ago, I haven’t ventured out. It is difficult because my husband isn’t a terrible person, he’s a good friend. He’s constantly saying I love you and kisses me on the cheek. It’s baffling to me. I started sleeping in my own room long ago and stopped debating the sexless issue with him. I honestly feel like I’m stuck in this loop, and can’t decide on the best course of action. Outsourcing as an option was ok, but there are so many liars that it turns me off at times. I dread searching and trying to decipher those who are sincere or just game playing. It’s frustrating and angers me that I even have to be in that situation. I miss intimacy so much at times that I can cry about it for days. I just feel stuck… Sorry you’re going through this… I also have 22 years in. Mostly good till early menopause kicked in. Completely shut down and she was not interested in getting any medication for it. Which tells me she is not interested in keeping our marriage together. Curios as to your outsourcing problems? Are you looking for a replacement to your husband or a one night stand. I am looking at this avenue as well but am terrified of the lies and stds that are out there as well as the games people play. I have had emotional affairs with other woman but not any physical. It helps me know that I am still wanted I guess which helps a lot mentally. I’m in the process of saving money for the retainer for a good lawyer. Then to pull the trigger to free myself of her. I know it won’t be easy but I need to think of myself after raising 2 daughters which is the reason I stayed. They both see what’s happening and want me to be happy. She is beyond repair and needs to find her happiness which isn’t with me. Part of me feels guilty for this but it has been exhausting trying and I just have to let go and stop trying knowing what the end result will be. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 3, 2023 12:30:15 GMT -5
@isabellas39, when I think about these kinds of situations and my own deal, I like to start with the truth, and the notion that two or more things can be true at the same time.
It could be true that your partner is a good person, and also true that he loves you in his way.
There are many ways to love a person.
It's also true that not all people who love each other should be married, or would be suitable married partners. If it were so - if love was enough - you would marry the first person you fall in love with.
It's true that you cry for days.
It's true that you miss intimacy (do you miss it with your husband now, though, knowing he doesn't want it with you?).
It's true that you aren't romantic partners, and that you have given up on this. You don't share a unique sexual attraction.
It's true that you are living as separate people. You don't share a bed and you live or have lived in separate dwellings and geographies (this is similar to situations in which some separated couples live).
It's true that you had a wedding.
When you think of that wedding and what you both agreed a marriage is (a marriage, as opposed to a wedding ceremony), do you have what you both would agree a marriage is?
What differentiates your partnership from, say, amicable ex-spouses?
Do you have a marriage, really?
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 4, 2023 9:34:56 GMT -5
I was fortunate in not being in a SM for very long, just a couple years. I might still be married to my X if she had agreed to my having a FWB and if I was able to find one. My X is not a bad person. She simply has no interest in sex with me or anyone else.
You are correct in that finding a good match for intimacy is often difficult. I have had so many disappointments when it comes to women. So many women are just flirting and seeking valadation they are still attractive. But the reality is they have no intention of actually entering into a relationship that involves sex. At best most just want a platonic friendship. Men are not the only ones who lie.
I have been fortunate in finding a couple long term relationships and the intimacy and sex have been great. I am just starting another relationship and it seems to have promise. The sex is already good.
Read your old posts and threads....Seems your H is OK with a "don't ask, don't" tell approach to your outsourcing. That is good for you going forward. And if I read and analysised it correctly, you are looking for a long term AP. You children are grown and away from home for extended periods so meeting someone for a weekend getaway at a B&B where you could have those shared dating and trust and memories building times seems doable. Now you just need to put yourself out there to find the right guy.
I would suggest someone currently divorced or single(widowed). I think the burden of finding such a person is going to be on you. Waiting for them to find you might take a really long time. You might try something like Meet Up, where you join others in activities you like to do. You are the perfect age for many of the activities i see at that site. And you might make friends with some of the women who have male friends or work colleges that are single and available. If you live in an urban setting there is probably a Recreation Center that has activites like pickleball or possibly gaming like majong ternaments. Put yourself in an environment where you are likely to meet people who have something in common or are wishing to meet or bring new people into their lives. Other members may have better suggestions. Good luck...
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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 6, 2023 7:35:42 GMT -5
@isabellas39, when I think about these kinds of situations and my own deal, I like to start with the truth, and the notion that two or more things can be true at the same time. It could be true that your partner is a good person, and also true that he loves you in his way. There are many ways to love a person. It's also true that not all people who love each other should be married, or would be suitable married partners. If it were so - if love was enough - you would marry the first person you fall in love with. It's true that you cry for days. It's true that you miss intimacy (do you miss it with your husband now, though, knowing he doesn't want it with you?). It's true that you aren't romantic partners, and that you have given up on this. You don't share a unique sexual attraction. It's true that you are living as separate people. You don't share a bed and you live or have lived in separate dwellings and geographies (this is similar to situations in which some separated couples live). It's true that you had a wedding. When you think of that wedding and what you both agreed a marriage is (a marriage, as opposed to a wedding ceremony), do you have what you both would agree a marriage is? What differentiates your partnership from, say, amicable ex-spouses? Do you have a marriage, really? I miss intimacy in general. I’ve given up on having an intimate type relationship with my husband, therefore,I have no desire to rekindle anything.I believe we have a friendship not a real *marriage”. He once said he wanted companionship, so maybe he has what he wants. I agree we have a marriage in name only. I never thought that as a married woman I would then live a sexless life. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 6, 2023 7:42:44 GMT -5
I was fortunate in not being in a SM for very long, just a couple years. I might still be married to my X if she had agreed to my having a FWB and if I was able to find one. My X is not a bad person. She simply has no interest in sex with me or anyone else. You are correct in that finding a good match for intimacy is often difficult. I have had so many disappointments when it comes to women. So many women are just flirting and seeking valadation they are still attractive. But the reality is they have no intention of actually entering into a relationship that involves sex. At best most just want a platonic friendship. Men are not the only ones who lie. I have been fortunate in finding a couple long term relationships and the intimacy and sex have been great. I am just starting another relationship and it seems to have promise. The sex is already good. Read your old posts and theams....Seems your H is OK with a "don't ask, don't" tell approach to your outsourcing. That is good for you going forward. And if I read and analysised it correctly, you are looking for a long term AP. You children are grown and away from home for extended periods so meeting someone for a weekend getaway at a B&B where you could have those shared dating and trust and memories building times seems doable. Now you just need to put yourself out there to find the right guy. I would suggest someone currently divorced or single(widowed). I think the burden of finding such a person is going to be on you. Waiting for them to find you might take a really long time. You might try something like Meet Up, where you join others in activities you like to do. You are the perfect age for many of the activities i see at that site. And you might make friends with some of the women who have male friends or work colleges that are single and available. If you live in an urban setting there is probably a Recreation Center that has activites like pickleball or possibly gaming like majong ternaments. Put yourself in an environment where ou are likely to meet people who have something in common or are wishing to meet or bring new people into their lives. Other members may have better suggestions. Good luck... Congrats on getting out and not staying stuck for longer. He would turn a blind eye in the past, but it didn’t stop me from feeling like i was doing something sleazy.Trying to find quality men when outsourcing is a task, and it plays with your head in many ways. Most of all, it’s upsetting to know that as a married woman I have to endure this ridiculousness because supposedly my husband has no desire for sex. However,I like your suggestions and maybe I’ll try to get out and meet new people in 2024. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 7, 2023 6:49:47 GMT -5
I'll beat on my old tattered drum and toss in the possibility of polyamory groups.
They organize meal gatherings called "munches".
If you went there, everyone is talking about spouses and S.O.s The whole "sleazy" thing drops away.
The atmosphere is one of fellowship in unusual marriages and slow discovery of attraction is the norm.
Merely getting artful flirting going back and forth may provide a balm to the weird wistful feeling of a spouse not attracted to us.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 7, 2023 8:02:18 GMT -5
Hi Isabella
It's kind of funny I get excited reading that you're from the old EP site, like your a long lost friend. But then I feel sad remembering this thing we have in common.
The situation we find ourselves in is heartbreaking and the longer we're in it the harder it seems to be to change. I often wonder if my counterparts that get divorced aren't better off even though it doesn't seem like they are. I wish I could tell some of the new people get out while you're young and still have your libido and your life. But who am I to give advice because I'm still here after 30 years. I don't even think my husband knows how long we've been married, he just cares if I help him learn how to do things on the computer.
I'm really sorry I don't have answers for either one of us but I wish I did. If it helps you've gotten some great suggestions here and I really recommend activities on your own so you can start establishing your own time to do things. This will help you if you ever decide to Outsource again but it might just help you regain your sense of self.
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