m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Nov 11, 2023 7:53:52 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate.
First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me.
I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her.
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 11, 2023 19:05:53 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate. First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me. I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her. I have reached that stage also..... his refusal to listen to me let alone anything else but wants to put on a show i now jerk away when he fakes a touch for others.... WE have had this talk time and time again that he gives a crap about what others think ........but could care less that I think so little of him ........ I always assumed my opinion of him was more important the that of other people. i recently started a job and a co-worker has shared many things with me i feel more at ease talking to a complete stranger. so sad i have found someone with a story worse then mine.... cannot pursue anything since he is my boss but if that was not a problem i might make a play. BECAUSE they listen i told spouse the reason 2 things needed repair at house.... he took things apart or called a technician to find out i was right ....... so now if he asks me anything i just move my lips and say nothing told him it is the exact same since he never listened to a word i said. I think it is time to have the "talk" again that this is not sustainable. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 11, 2023 21:16:28 GMT -5
I think it is time to have the "talk" again that this is not sustainable. I feel your pain toughtiger. I hope your talk is more successful than mine were. I had a # of "talks" with my then spouse. And no matter how much I spoke in terms of how unhappy I was, in the end it didn't come to a good resolution. I might get reset but then the status quo resumed, until finally I just wasn't going to do the faking and pretending any longer. I started distancing myself and took off my ring. A few weeks later it was over. Good luck to you. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 12, 2023 17:20:53 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate. First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me. I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her. Sadly your story reminds me of my now ex's master skills of manipulation, and shifting the blame. ( more DARVO) And me taking a day or two to figure it out! ( this forum was/is very helpful) I had the same results between my now ex and me as you did, when it came to the love languages test. Waiting for you to initiate? BS!! You might find it helpful to document these things so you don't have to remember it for long periods of time? ( I used this format as a journal in the message section, sending messages to myself about my now ex's words and actions.) Don't be surprised when you stop giving the 'ceremonial pecks' that your W is actually relieved, but will refuse to show it, because that proves that you're correct. A controller hates to admit that. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Nov 12, 2023 17:33:55 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate. First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me. I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her. Sadly your story reminds me of my now ex's master skills of manipulation, and shifting the blame. ( more DARVO) And me taking a day or two to figure it out! ( this forum was/is very helpful) I had the same results between my now ex and me as you did, when it came to the love languages test. Waiting for you to initiate? BS!! You might find it helpful to document these things so you don't have to remember it for long periods of time? ( I used this format as a journal in the message section, sending messages to myself about my now ex's words and actions.) Don't be surprised when you stop giving the 'ceremonial pecks' that your W is actually relieved, but will refuse to show it, because that proves that you're correct. A controller hates to admit that. I stopped the ceremonial pecks long ago,when i leaned in one night to kiss her and she turned away. That was the last time I tried. Worst is the hugs, when she hugs me (only in front of other people) she gets upset when I give her the one armed bro hug back. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 12, 2023 19:53:05 GMT -5
I stopped the ceremonial pecks long ago,when i leaned in one night to kiss her and she turned away. That was the last time I tried. Worst is the hugs, when she hugs me (only in front of other people) she gets upset when I give her the one armed bro hug back. That certainly confirms your suspicions that the back massages are never going to happen, and it's all just a cruel game of avoiding any blame. So sorry your going through this. The key word is " going through". Continue to press forward and look ahead towards a new beginning for everyone! |
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Post by aquacat on Nov 14, 2023 14:08:04 GMT -5
I'm listening to Dad Starting Over's Dead Bedroom Fix. He does bring out some good points.
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Post by aquacat on Nov 14, 2023 14:13:19 GMT -5
Also the love languages are the exact same for my wife and I. I've noticed a pattern though that if I try to initiate she immediately says no or shuts me down, and her way of initiating is not sexy. I'm learning to just give up on that and work on myself.
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Post by Same old, same old on Nov 18, 2023 12:24:52 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate. First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me. I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her. Oh my goodness ... I just realized I do this!!! I will put my hand on his leg, hold his hand, give him loving hugs ... all because I want people to think we're okay. What an idiot I am! No, not anymore, from here on out! It's okay to not be or seem okay, right? |
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 19, 2023 12:19:30 GMT -5
Oh my goodness ... I just realized I do this!!! I will put my hand on his leg, hold his hand, give him loving hugs ... all because I want people to think we're okay. What an idiot I am! No, not anymore, from here on out! It's okay to not be or seem okay, right? It is a fine line to walk in the choosing to stay... Many refusers want to create the illusion that all is well and if we go along with it ... i felt phony ... You are NOT an idiot or wrong it just becomes a habit of projecting that you are not miserable in your relationship. If you quit your part in the charade it may require a talk about why.... i told my spouse "why pretend when we are roommates at this point there is NO marriage..... because marriage is not holding my hand or putting your arm around me FOR others not for me " . |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 24, 2023 9:43:38 GMT -5
I am still here in my marriage. However, similar to responses here, I think there is a long drawn out emotional response shared amongst the rejected spouse. We hurt for a long time and the only thing we can control is ourselves. Eventually that cotrol moves over into counter-refusal, fueled by long term hurt feelings. Rejection is real and can only be tolerated so long, even if you want to stay.
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kevinp
Junior Member
sex where R U
Posts: 25
Age Range: 66-70
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Post by kevinp on Apr 26, 2024 7:30:27 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate. First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me. I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her. I so relate to what you said down to the love languages, and asexuality. Last time she 'did me a favour' by masturbation to 'shut me up', she went for a bit then said, 'haven;t you come yet'? Tjat did it for me. Disgust at such inability toc even pretend to want to try. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Apr 26, 2024 7:52:02 GMT -5
Back when I had a talk with my wife about our lack of intimacy we did the love languages test and found out my primary love language is touch, I told her that. Hers is "acts of service". I already do all the housework, driving thr kids to activities and anything else that needs to be done. When she told me she was asexual, I probed more to find out if there were any physical intimacy acts she would be comfortable with. It took her 2 weeks to come back to me, only after more prompting from me for her to say that she would be open to massages. But of course when she said she added "but not today, let's do that next week." Another couple of weeks go by with nothing from her about it. So I asked again and she told me she was waiting for me to initiate. First thought....why the F would I initiate when you reject me every time. Second, since she's not sexualy attracted to me, or anyone else, now I don't even want her to initiate. The most attractive quality in a woman for me is that she wants me. I never thought I would reach this stage but now her ceremonial kisses or hand holding in public absolutely disgusts me. I don't want to have anything to with her. I so relate to what you said down to the love languages, and asexuality. Last time she 'did me a favour' by masturbation to 'shut me up', she went for a bit then said, 'haven;t you come yet'? Tjat did it for me. Disgust at such inability toc even pretend to want to try. Yep the dismissive attitude towards my needs is a real killer especially after trying for so long with constant rejection. My therapist even told me in my one-on-one that the level of effort I had been putting in isn't sustainable with no reward for the effort. Since I originally posted that I've gone though a wide variety of ups and downs. Opened up to a couple of other trusted people. At this point I'm just holding on until either my son finishes high school next year or I just can't take it anymore. While we still live in the same house I hold on to a tiny amount of hope that she may want more but I'm not expecting anything to change. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 27, 2024 7:46:39 GMT -5
While we still live in the same house I hold on to a tiny amount of hope that she may want more but I'm not expecting anything to change. My thoughts are at some point she may indeed want more. But the more you are hoping for will not be the more she wants. When the seperation and divorce comes she may want more that 1/2 of evertything accumulated during the marriage. She may want a whopping settlement or perhaps substancial alimony and support for the indefinite future (think in terms of the rest of your life). That small hope you are clinging to may well keep you in the marriage when you both would be better served being apart. Unfortunaqtely, hope is often the enemy in a SM. |
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