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Post by poetandersen101 on Nov 7, 2023 1:52:41 GMT -5
Mid 40 male here married to a slightly younger woman who seems to no longer have any physical drive. We get along well with each other but we are basically roommates at this point. we haven't been intimate in longer than I care to think about, we've talked and talked about it and she says she just doesn't understand why its a big deal. I know I have a sex drive that's higher than hers, i always have, but I'm not asking for every night of the same passion we used to just an occasional sign that I can still get her motor running. I'm not very good at explaining it i think, its not just about the sex it's the intimacy, the passion. Would love to meet some people who might help/advise i guess? Maybe an idea how others cope with not getting physical or emotional needs met?
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miestas
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by miestas on Nov 7, 2023 9:59:27 GMT -5
Hello Mr. Andersen. <Sorry, I’m a scifi fan>
There is one thing that everyone here pretty much agrees with. You cannot make someone else do something they don’t have any desire to do. Even if you succeeded in that endeavor, the result is something called “starfish sex”. The visual says it all. A sex doll would be better. At least you wouldn’t expect it to reciprocate.
You stated it very clearly. You want intimacy and the reassurance that she still finds you physically attractive. I am sorry to say that, unless there is a MAJOR upheaval in your marriage, and I am talking “near death” level upheaval, you are not going to get that back.
Your decision is now very simple, but very difficult. Do you stay in the marriage? There are lots of good reasons to stay. Financial, kids, loyalty, deep friendship, etc. You can try everything to save the marriage, but really, that is about making yourself feel justified in ending it when all that counseling, etc. fails (and it almost always does).
One more thing. You can “outsource” the sexual part and have an affair - either openly or covertly. Personally, I would not recommend that. There is way too much potential for utter disaster when you bring in another person. But that is something each person must decide for themselves. I have found that almost everyone here is very non-judgmental on that topic. In fact, there are a set of rules established to safeguard yourself in that regard. (I’ve been away too long to remember the link. Believe me, someone here will post it to you soon).
So why stay in this forum if the situation is so depressingly morbid? Because you will never find a better place for empathy, advice, and support. This forum is full of people who understand exactly what you are going through and can help you make that simple, difficult decision.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 367
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Post by m76 on Nov 7, 2023 10:11:47 GMT -5
Mid 40 male here married to a slightly younger woman who seems to no longer have any physical drive. We get along well with each other but we are basically roommates at this point. we haven't been intimate in longer than I care to think about, we've talked and talked about it and she says she just doesn't understand why its a big deal. I know I have a sex drive that's higher than hers, i always have, but I'm not asking for every night of the same passion we used to just an occasional sign that I can still get her motor running. I'm not very good at explaining it i think, its not just about the sex it's the intimacy, the passion. Would love to meet some people who might help/advise i guess? Maybe an idea how others cope with not getting physical or emotional needs met? Welcome to the club poet. Most of us are in similar situations. I don't think refusers understand how important sexual contact is for us on multiple levels. After years of excuses, and making me me feel like I'm either un attractive or just horrible timing, my wife was finally honest with me and flat out said she's asexual and doesn't want to have sex ever again. This only came to light when I had a frank and open discussion about how important it was to me. After weeks of "negotiation" the only compromise she was willing to make is that she'd be open for a mutual massage. So far that hasn't happened either and I'm not expecting it to. Making the decision of what action to take now is the hardest. I'm at a stage I think many have been in where I flip flop between wanting to leave for a chance of something better, or staying.
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miestas
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by miestas on Nov 7, 2023 13:43:15 GMT -5
Here is that link I was talking about: iliasm.org/thread/6237/obey-baza-preparing-outsourcing-divorceI don't want to sound like your situation is hopeless and this is your only option. I can only speak from my own experience. I personally decided to stick it out in my marriage, because I got so much else from the relationship with my wife that I couldn't overcome the guilt I felt at leaving her just because of the sex, or the dreaded FOMO (as well as kids, finances, and all the other things I mentioned in my last reply to your post). But, as m76 posted, that continues to be a fluid situation and I flip-flop a lot on how I feel. I hope you find as much support here as I have.
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Post by poetandersen101 on Nov 15, 2023 0:07:49 GMT -5
Thank you for the response, sorry it's taken so long to reply life was interfering. I've been tempted and so far I've avoided it but I'm honestly not sure I'll make it forever. I have to admit I wasn't sure if that would be a subject I should bring up here. I don't want to be judged for a weakness or have someone think im here looking for desperate married women.
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miestas
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by miestas on Nov 15, 2023 1:14:57 GMT -5
Thank you for the response, sorry it's taken so long to reply life was interfering. I've been tempted and so far I've avoided it but I'm honestly not sure I'll make it forever. I have to admit I wasn't sure if that would be a subject I should bring up here. I don't want to be judged for a weakness or have someone think im here looking for desperate married women. Don’t worry about being judged here. Especially on that topic. Many of the members encourage that path, as long as you take proper precautions for when you are caught (and you will be, eventually). Plus, remember that you now have another person that has to keep a secret. And as Benjamin Franklin said, “Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.” What if that other person gets a divorce and is in love with you? Do you keep stringing her along, and stay married? Do you leave your wife to be with them? What if she decides to run off with someone because they are available and you are not? I can tell you from personal experience that it will rip out your heart, and you will NEVER get over it. What if she decides to out your relationship to force you off the fence? Affairs are always messy… well… affairs. It is better, IMO, to bite the bullet and get divorced and avoid all that mess, or bite that other bullet and commit to staying for reasons other than sex. (And be resigned to the fact that the one who got away because some douchebag, dickheaded, thrice damned bastard stepped in and took her away is never coming back…. but I’m not bitter).
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 15, 2023 7:21:31 GMT -5
Just filling in a blank here from miestas:
"One more thing. You can “outsource” the sexual part and have an affair - either openly or covertly. Personally, I would not recommend that. There is way too much potential for utter disaster when you bring in another person. But that is something each person must decide for themselves. I have found that almost everyone here is very non-judgmental on that topic..."
then
"Many of the members encourage that path, as long as you take proper precautions for when you are caught (and you will be, eventually).
If you outsource openly, there is no "getting caught", which gets rid of half of the baggage of infidelity. The issue of trust is enormous. Doing what your refuser doesn't like without deception may be an upgrade, as long as you are prepared for the refuser to file papers in response.
Three resets were triggered by announcements of intent to outsource. The shortest lasting six months, the other two still in remission after more than a year. One ILIASM member announced, then did outsourcing and remained married.
I don't consider it weak to replace adult companionship your refuser took away without consent. If it is? Eff it. I'm weak. Fine. 80% of marriages are never challenged this way and never need to find out whether they'd be strong or not. Easy to armchair quarterback when you're in a physical marriage.
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Post by poetandersen101 on Nov 21, 2023 4:21:01 GMT -5
She knows I'm still interested in sex, her suggestion was a fleshlight. i wont lie I've considered outsourcing, i even know of a particular person who has made her interest known in the past, I just have to deicde if its worth the risk
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 21, 2023 9:47:25 GMT -5
She knows I'm still interested in sex, her suggestion was a fleshlight. i wont lie I've considered outsourcing, i even know of a particular person who has made her interest known in the past, I just have to deicde if its worth the risk Wow i am just sitting here thinking it does work both ways... my spouse bought a gift certificate to an online toy store so i could pick my own device and leave him alone i presume ...... seriously a toy is not the answer.... yes it can relieve stress but hard to cuddle or have pillow talk or companionship.....
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 367
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Post by m76 on Nov 21, 2023 12:27:22 GMT -5
She knows I'm still interested in sex, her suggestion was a fleshlight. i wont lie I've considered outsourcing, i even know of a particular person who has made her interest known in the past, I just have to deicde if its worth the risk Wow i am just sitting here thinking it does work both ways... my spouse bought a gift certificate to an online toy store so i could pick my own device and leave him alone i presume ...... seriously a toy is not the answer.... yes it can relieve stress but hard to cuddle or have pillow talk or companionship..... Would it be different if he offered to use the toy with you? I'm wondering what would happen if I asked my wife to use the fleshlight on me.
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 22, 2023 8:28:27 GMT -5
Wow i am just sitting here thinking it does work both ways... my spouse bought a gift certificate to an online toy store so i could pick my own device and leave him alone i presume ...... seriously a toy is not the answer.... yes it can relieve stress but hard to cuddle or have pillow talk or companionship..... Would it be different if he offered to use the toy with you? I'm wondering what would happen if I asked my wife to use the fleshlight on me. I do not think so...... that is a bigger issue .... if he was willing to try anything using his hands, oral etc he has never done ANY thing other then just tell me it is over after his buddy no longer stands at attention.... he hugs me like he would rather be doing anything else......... the slow death of our marriage sped up when i saw he has ZERO emotional connection / zero give a crap about what my needs are... and frankly has done zero to even ask a doctor IF any measures would fix his issue. it i guess was ONLY about him / his wants or needs i was no more then a blow up doll for his amusement i guess.
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