m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Oct 31, 2023 10:00:32 GMT -5
My wife has commented a few times that when we're out with other couples they seem closer and more in sync with each other then we are.
In these public settings she'll often mirror what the other wife is doing ie..holding my hand or hugging me. This is stuff that doesn't happen at home so it feels very awkward for me.
That being said we've had conversations about trying to be closer and her ideas included watching TV together and date nights.
Problem for me is that the only shows she really watches are true crime shows that I can't stand although I did sit there with her. We did this for a couple of weeks. But I feel like we really have nothing in common and nothing to talk about beyond superficial things about work or the kids.
Date nights have also dropped off now, she's always busy so I just do my own thing.
I just don't know how to bridge this gap.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 31, 2023 12:00:28 GMT -5
Since you are sexual and your partner is asexual, the gap you have is unbridgeable.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 31, 2023 17:16:35 GMT -5
get ready for your W to now say " I tried to make things better! I told him to hold my hand, sit next to me in restaurants! and he refuses!" get ready for the denial, the victim card. The finger pointing.
It's her way of suppressing/avoiding her fear and guilt. Manipulation, and double standards at it's finest.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 1, 2023 6:02:11 GMT -5
Not to say date nights will help the SM, but if your wife is still a friend, you can enjoy them for their own sake, even as you continue plans to cope, outsource, or leave.
Not one refuser documented on ILIASM became sexual without credible evidence that outsourcing or divorce was imminent. (not threats, evidence.)
Dating could be a good distraction and enhance your marital partnership, as long as expectations of their purpose are in check.
So TV together may not be a good fit. (what TV show do you like that she can tolerate? Taking turns should be something she's willing to do. If not, that is the kind of behavior people speak of when skeptical responses come behind the statement, "All is well except the sex")
Concerts? Picnics? Day Trips? Overnights? Camping? Beach/Lakeside? Historical tour? Was there a trip you remember both of you having enjoyed that you might plan a similar one?
If you outsource or leave, quality dates with no revival of intimacy serve as reasons for giving up on monogamy by using the nukes.
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Post by csl on Nov 1, 2023 7:38:47 GMT -5
My wife has commented a few times that when we're out with other couples they seem closer and more in sync with each other then we are. In these public settings she'll often mirror what the other wife is doing ie..holding my hand or hugging me. This is stuff that doesn't happen at home so it feels very awkward for me. That being said we've had conversations about trying to be closer and her ideas included watching TV together and date nights. Problem for me is that the only shows she really watches are true crime shows that I can't stand although I did sit there with her. We did this for a couple of weeks. But I feel like we really have nothing in common and nothing to talk about beyond superficial things about work or the kids. Date nights have also dropped off now, she's always busy so I just do my own thing. I just don't know how to bridge this gap. There is another problem in her suggustions, and that is that they are just for her. She feels a lack of closeness, and so wants to have her version of closeness. She wants to have date nights, but her date nights. I have said that on my blog, "It's not your marriage, it's not her marriage; it's y'all's marriage." As long has she thinks in terms of "It's my marriage", it's y'all's problem. |
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 1, 2023 8:29:54 GMT -5
My wife has commented a few times that when we're out with other couples they seem closer and more in sync with each other then we are. In these public settings she'll often mirror what the other wife is doing ie..holding my hand or hugging me. This is stuff that doesn't happen at home so it feels very awkward for me. That being said we've had conversations about trying to be closer and her ideas included watching TV together and date nights. Problem for me is that the only shows she really watches are true crime shows that I can't stand although I did sit there with her. We did this for a couple of weeks. But I feel like we really have nothing in common and nothing to talk about beyond superficial things about work or the kids. Date nights have also dropped off now, she's always busy so I just do my own thing. I just don't know how to bridge this gap. This is why i hate socializing ..... i do not want him to hold my hand for his ego that the neighbors think we are all good etc.... NO . You should tell her right out bet they hold hand or touch at home too not just acting the part of the happy couple. watching TV only one person enjoys does nothing for that. hugs from him feel like a stranger ...i was watching tv and wondered how awkward it is/ was of two actors playing married for years in a series... the fake kisses or foreplay ................... i realized I do know how that feels as that IS what is left of my marriage .... you have bent over backwards to watch her choice in TV and superficial conversation is NOT enough either......... |
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Post by aquacat on Nov 1, 2023 8:42:09 GMT -5
I totally understand where you are coming from. I've realized that my wife and I are good friends and good parents; just not good lovers or romantic partners. Her love language is the complete opposite of mine where mine is physical touch and the least of her's is that one. I like to be romantic and she's not really into that. I also don't think I see her as a sexual being because we are so mismatched there. I see her like I would a good friend that I can hang out with. We match with religious beliefs, politics, etc, but just not sexually. What scares me is what happens after our kids are on their own and out of the house.
I do see other couples out in public holding hands or hugging and I long for things like that. I still desire things in the bedroom that she is so adverse to and try as I have I cannot get the desire out of my head. I've even asked doctors over the years if there is anything I can take to kill off my desire and the most they can suggest are antidepressants which only make finishing more difficult. I've asked my wife over the years to get her levels checked and one time she said she did and they were normal but it wasn't a standard hormone test that she had done.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Nov 1, 2023 9:06:27 GMT -5
My wife has commented a few times that when we're out with other couples they seem closer and more in sync with each other then we are. In these public settings she'll often mirror what the other wife is doing ie..holding my hand or hugging me. This is stuff that doesn't happen at home so it feels very awkward for me. That being said we've had conversations about trying to be closer and her ideas included watching TV together and date nights. Problem for me is that the only shows she really watches are true crime shows that I can't stand although I did sit there with her. We did this for a couple of weeks. But I feel like we really have nothing in common and nothing to talk about beyond superficial things about work or the kids. Date nights have also dropped off now, she's always busy so I just do my own thing. I just don't know how to bridge this gap. This is why i hate socializing ..... i do not want him to hold my hand for his ego that the neighbors think we are all good etc.... NO . You should tell her right out bet they hold hand or touch at home too not just acting the part of the happy couple. watching TV only one person enjoys does nothing for that. hugs from him feel like a stranger ...i was watching tv and wondered how awkward it is/ was of two actors playing married for years in a series... the fake kisses or foreplay ................... i realized I do know how that feels as that IS what is left of my marriage .... you have bent over backwards to watch her choice in TV and superficial conversation is NOT enough either......... Once in a while, like last night, she's heading out and just leans in and kisses me. Taken out of context this looks normal and shows that she loves me. I just find these types of kisses empty and awkward as she doesn't do anything else affectionate. This is also something that may only happen once a month or so. Is it a fake kiss? I dunno, but it feels like it. |
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Post by toughtiger on Nov 1, 2023 19:20:58 GMT -5
"Once in a while, like last night, she's heading out and just leans in and kisses me.
Taken out of context this looks normal and shows that she loves me. I just find these types of kisses empty and awkward as she doesn't do anything else affectionate. This is also something that may only happen once a month or so. Is it a fake kiss? I dunno, but it feels like it." quote
My spouse does this too one evening will hug me or try to kiss me on cheek and act like he wants to be closer ..... out of the blue ....
i smile act nice and next morning he wakes up and when i get up he is yelling about i bought" Wrong this or that " or did not do something he thought i should...
i am looking around like it is this a joke >>>> what happened to the hug and lets be closer crap i think he has split personalities at this point.
I have no idea what gets in his head when he does the fake affection thing.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 2, 2023 4:27:56 GMT -5
It could be fake. My wife used to seem to enjoy tasteful PDAs, but it all dried up when we weren't in public. I think it was a matter of keeping up appearances, and nothing more. As for your spouses' motivations, I will let you speculate on what is going on.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2023 17:10:46 GMT -5
This is why i hate socializing ..... i do not want him to hold my hand for his ego that the neighbors think we are all good etc.... NO . You should tell her right out bet they hold hand or touch at home too not just acting the part of the happy couple. watching TV only one person enjoys does nothing for that. hugs from him feel like a stranger ...i was watching tv and wondered how awkward it is/ was of two actors playing married for years in a series... the fake kisses or foreplay ................... i realized I do know how that feels as that IS what is left of my marriage .... you have bent over backwards to watch her choice in TV and superficial conversation is NOT enough either......... Once in a while, like last night, she's heading out and just leans in and kisses me. Taken out of context this looks normal and shows that she loves me. I just find these types of kisses empty and awkward as she doesn't do anything else affectionate. This is also something that may only happen once a month or so. Is it a fake kiss? I dunno, but it feels like it. It comes back to control...doesn't it? I too would get my ceremonial two pecks a day. However all it took was two days in a row of turning my lips away and getting a peck on the cheek, then it ended for life, and I did it in the kitchen in front of the teens, just like she tried to show "affection/normalcy" in front of the teens. Up went the defense wall.... a total reversal. it was answered with a shrug, and a whatever attitude, as the controller male or female slyly stays in control by acting like they are not bothered at all. So what does that leave you with? A choice. Stay and tolerate it, ( keep throwing quarters down the empty coke machine) or leave, and give your precious, highly valuable commodity to someone who will return the investment- with interest!! I'm sorry this happens to you (and the rest of us) learn and strengthen yourself from it, as I know you are doing!! |
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