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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2016 7:52:47 GMT -5
I was with this until it got to "They are empty. They are dead inside." I don't agree with that part, but the rest feels so true to me. And it makes me sad that this describes so well the father of my children. What a horrible way to live. "They can only connect with you through utility, but never passion." Ouch, that pretty much sums up most of my marriage. We were great "teammates" in fixing up the house, raising the kids, etc. But passion? He just couldn't do it. I think it scared him too much and it always hurt that he didn't trust me enough to let me see that part of him. I don't believe he is dead inside. I believe he is trapped - by his upbringing, his own limitations, I'm not sure. But it's a sad and lonely way to choose to live.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 12, 2016 8:27:29 GMT -5
The" They can only connect with you through utility, but never passion" , plays right into the love language of "gifts of service". Don't get me wrong, I am a huge giver, service and mercy are my gifts. But when it is never enough, never done to their way, their one sided approach to things, their manipulative controlling behavior, well...... Time to look for someone new.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2016 9:07:06 GMT -5
I see a lot of myself in "they recoil from or avoid affection," convincing myself that the next time Numbnuts touches me, it will be out of pity. I don't want to be touched out of pity. I want to be touched because he loves me, out of affection, and dare I say, desire.
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Post by JMX on Jun 12, 2016 9:15:58 GMT -5
I was with this until it got to "They are empty. They are dead inside." I don't agree with that part, but the rest feels so true to me. And it makes me sad that this describes so well the father of my children. What a horrible way to live. "They can only connect with you through utility, but never passion." Ouch, that pretty much sums up most of my marriage. We were great "teammates" in fixing up the house, raising the kids, etc. But passion? He just couldn't do it. I think it scared him too much and it always hurt that he didn't trust me enough to let me see that part of him. I don't believe he is dead inside. I believe he is trapped - by his upbringing, his own limitations, I'm not sure. But it's a sad and lonely way to choose to live. This is us too. Confirmed by another conversation last night. I am not sure I want to write about it yet, but the sad part of dividing a life has begun. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 12, 2016 9:27:50 GMT -5
It's just a shame there isn't some physical trait these people exhibit so that we may have fair warning when entering a relationship with them. Somehow the people that Bryant McGill describes can easily deceive you throughout courtship.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 12, 2016 16:20:43 GMT -5
I was with this until it got to "They are empty. They are dead inside." I don't agree with that part, but the rest feels so true to me. And it makes me sad that this describes so well the father of my children. What a horrible way to live. "They can only connect with you through utility, but never passion." Ouch, that pretty much sums up most of my marriage. We were great "teammates" in fixing up the house, raising the kids, etc. But passion? He just couldn't do it. I think it scared him too much and it always hurt that he didn't trust me enough to let me see that part of him. I don't believe he is dead inside. I believe he is trapped - by his upbringing, his own limitations, I'm not sure. But it's a sad and lonely way to choose to live. This is us too. Confirmed by another conversation last night. I am not sure I want to write about it yet, but the sad part of dividing a life has begun. I understand your mercy and sympathy, I will be plagued with that too when the time comes. Please remember friend, your life has been divided for a long time, soon it will be whole again! |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 12, 2016 17:34:51 GMT -5
This is us too. Confirmed by another conversation last night. I am not sure I want to write about it yet, but the sad part of dividing a life has begun. I am so sorry JMX. We had this conversation exactly 5 years ago. I woke up the next day thinking it couldn't be for real. But we had discussed the splitting. It was more on her terms overall but I just stayed busy and worked, she realized how lonely it was and the realization of her new "friends" being quite temporary moved her off the path. Not that the band-aid rip would not have been the best thing but the timing was off and her motives at the time were off. She has definitely gotten better, began working, increased her own esteem but still I miss the affection like crazy. BTW, inthe last two days, she has sat next to me on the couch - touching --ahhhhh and several other instances of toying with me. I am guarded unfortunately. I think I know the sadness you are feeling in the beginning of "dividing a life". |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 12, 2016 18:16:31 GMT -5
It's just a shame there isn't some physical trait these people exhibit so that we may have fair warning when entering a relationship with them. Somehow the people that Bryant McGill describes can easily deceive you throughout courtship. I don't know, in my case I think the signs were all there. I just didn't know what they meant. Or I was stupid enough to think that they would change over time with the security of a decent relationship. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 12, 2016 18:23:59 GMT -5
It's just a shame there isn't some physical trait these people exhibit so that we may have fair warning when entering a relationship with them. Somehow the people that Bryant McGill describes can easily deceive you throughout courtship. I don't know, in my case I think the signs were all there. I just didn't know what they meant. Or I was stupid enough to think that they would change over time with the security of a decent relationship. The last thing you ever sound like is stupid! You are the one who offered/offers,repeatedly ,the priceless gift of the security of a decent relationship. You still have that gift, perhaps stronger than ever before. It just has to be presented to someone who can cherish it and give back in return. |
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Post by baza on Jun 13, 2016 3:18:33 GMT -5
It could be that your avoidant spouse is "emotionally and spiritually frozen".
It could also be that you - and they - are just a rotten match for each other.
And it could be that your avoidant spouse is "empty, and dead inside".
It could also be that you - and they - simply bring out the worst in each other.
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Does it particularly matter "why" your avoidant spouse is avoidant ?
What essential difference does it make ???
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The road to resolution of the situation is the same, irrespective.
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Post by Dan on Jun 13, 2016 8:57:22 GMT -5
I was with this until it got to "They are empty. They are dead inside." I don't agree with that part, but the rest feels so true to me. And it makes me sad that this describes so well the father of my children. What a horrible way to live. "They can only connect with you through utility, but never passion." Ouch, that pretty much sums up most of my marriage. We were great "teammates" in fixing up the house, raising the kids, etc. But passion? He just couldn't do it. I think it scared him too much and it always hurt that he didn't trust me enough to let me see that part of him. I don't believe he is dead inside. I believe he is trapped - by his upbringing, his own limitations, I'm not sure. But it's a sad and lonely way to choose to live. I'm with MR on this one: I don't buy my wife is "empty / dead". She has some sort of passion. I see bits of joy in her from time to time. But it seems so "tangled" with the rest of her hangups, negativity, and the pain of old hurts that she clings to. I feel I've done my best out of husbandly love and duty to try to help her clear those tendrils that somehow muffle her joy. I think I've made her life richer; I think she would say so, too. But I think I'm oh so tired of trying to "unstopper her joy"; I used to view it as my "job" as husband to support her that way. But as the distance grows between us, I realize I'm tired of trying. Her brain and life are her own to tend. I think need to be with someone whose light and joy freely flow; whose inate joy I enhance... and who will love me for will allow my light and joy to flow again, too. Oh: and maybe have sex with me regularly, too. Even try new things, or at least talk about sex as if it is a normal part of an adult relationship. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2016 10:46:22 GMT -5
"You will waste your whole life waiting for them..."
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Post by unmatched on Jun 13, 2016 17:40:05 GMT -5
I was with this until it got to "They are empty. They are dead inside." I don't agree with that part, but the rest feels so true to me. And it makes me sad that this describes so well the father of my children. What a horrible way to live. "They can only connect with you through utility, but never passion." Ouch, that pretty much sums up most of my marriage. We were great "teammates" in fixing up the house, raising the kids, etc. But passion? He just couldn't do it. I think it scared him too much and it always hurt that he didn't trust me enough to let me see that part of him. I don't believe he is dead inside. I believe he is trapped - by his upbringing, his own limitations, I'm not sure. But it's a sad and lonely way to choose to live. I'm with MR on this one: I don't buy my wife is "empty / dead". She has some sort of passion. I see bits of joy in her from time to time. But it seems so "tangled" with the rest of her hangups, negativity, and the pain of old hurts that she clings to. I feel I've done my best out of husbandly love and duty to try to help her clear those tendrils that somehow muffle her joy. I think I've made her life richer; I think she would say so, too. But I think I'm oh so tired of trying to "unstopper her joy"; I used to view it as my "job" as husband to support her that way. But as the distance grows between us, I realize I'm tired of trying. Her brain and life are her own to tend. I think need to be with someone whose light and joy freely flow; whose inate joy I enhance... and who will love me for will allow my light and joy to flow again, too. Oh: and maybe have sex with me regularly, too. Even try new things, or at least talk about sex as if it is a normal part of an adult relationship. I can so relate to this!!! |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 14, 2016 3:02:28 GMT -5
I think need to be with someone whose light and joy freely flow; whose inate joy I enhance... and who will love me for will allow my light and joy to flow again, too. Remove the word "think" and "need", and insert the word DESERVE!
And maybe have sex with me regularly, too. Even try new things, or at least talk about sex as if it is a normal part of an adult relationship
And the word "maybe", replace with
DEFINITELY |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 14, 2016 12:19:33 GMT -5
"You will waste your whole life waiting for them..." I almost did...... |
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