Newbie and apologies this is a lengthy post

i'd rather not do the adoption route as feel like i would just be waiting for the child to find their real parents one day and the lack of a bond, and because have child of my own is everything, and i mean everything to me

the lack of attraction i have for her is probably to do with what i mentioned before ie never does sexy underwear/revealing clothing - me trying to ask her that - i'd stand more chance of getting blood out of a stone

its literally a case of how i wish i could have this part of my life ie love and sex all over again coz have endless regrets that i didn't put myself out there or try my chances with some potential women in my younger days - or wish i was a cheat - cheating goes against all my principles but when i am stuck like this whats that worth - nothing

lr79, Welcome!

It's unclear why you are staying in this marriage. If you want kids who are biologically yours, you aren't going to have them with a woman who has refused to have sex for two years and now is 39 and aging out of the ability to get pregnant.

Unfortunately, there's no magic bullet to make your wife interested in sex with you. One of my friends, a reproductive endocrinologist, told me that she has had hetero married couples who wanted pregnancy to occur via artificial insemination of the husband's sperm. She didn't ask them why, but did the procedure. So, yes, you could choose to reproduce this way -- if your wife is willing to get pregnant.

Maybe you can even get her to have sex in order to get pregnant, but if you read the stories on this site, you'll see that for many in SM, the only time their spouse was amenable to sex was when the spouse wanted a pregnancy to happen. The interest in sex typically ended as soon as the pregnancy occurred.

I'm curious about why you've stayed with her so long and have been letting the clock run out on her fertility. From what you've posted she doesn't seem interested in becoming a parent or having sex with you. Are you concerned that if you divorce, you won't be able to find another partner?

After reading it’s scary how many guys have many of the same issues

One thing you mentioned caught my eyes the most - you’d said that during sex you’ve had your dick not stay up, and then she brings that up which makes it 10000% worse - of course she stupidly blames you for not having an interest in her, meaning she even more so doesn’t want you in her or near her.

Mine has said that before ( but of course never thinks maybe she could help keep it up or vary what we do so I’d get more stimulation to keep him up)

Women seem to always say well if a guys not rock hard all the time it’s his lack of interest

You’re not alone in this - I wish I could keep it up as I wish but it’s 67 yrs old

why am i still with her seems to be the main question among you guys so will answer it as best i can with the following reasons

1) am 100% convinced I would NEVER find anyone else who would want me
2) won't get me any nearer having baby which is my dream, not like i would find anyone else but even if i did would be at least a year or 2 away
3) asset involved as we bought house 2 years ago so feel like would have nothing to show for it money wise if we separate as money from house would be swallowed up with legal fees/splitting 50/50 etc
4) not that i feel i appeal to anyone anyway but even less so 44/45 year old divorcee

the jealousy thing is a real crippler in my dark days - just feel jealous of a lot of people who have families, good sex lives, guys who are better looking than me, guys who have women that wear nice underwear, nice clothing etc

put it this way if i could live my life again i would totally do things differently, try to make myself better looking, be the guy who can actually approach a girl in a bar/club and chat her up (coz thats something I am totally incapable of doing)

I simply don't belong in life - thats how i feel

Hm. This letter-number name format is having a good run.

I'm nor sure he's been back since writing this, but I didn't see it until two days ago for some reason.

Following up on toughtiger concerning sexy underwear, your wife's practical side, I think, is the norm. The outliers are the ones you are noticing. Do some people-watching at a park or shopping mall and ask yourself whether every single woman has sexy underwear on. The old women, the mom with three kids in tow.
I'm wondering if you see women with your mind, instead of your eyes.

This made me wonder if your skewed impression of the fairer sex comes from entertainment sources not known for portraying accurate human lives. These movie studios commonly exaggerate the frequency that women garb themselves in wearable art forms with underwire as its medium.

You say you're depressed. Has that had any effect on your self-care? Your health. The need for Viagra at 44 may indicate medical issues underlying. It may also suggest a dependence on that entertainment mentioned. When in a sexless marriage, though, one can ask 'What's the point?'. Addressing depression can help initiate whatever changes may be necessary to pursue one of more strategies for getting a mother for your children, if that is your sole north star. Given your timeframe, I'd recommend both self-improvement and lower your standards in order to accelerate any strategy. Also, be convinced that having a child is worth tossing good things you do have with your wife which you may improve upon, for a longshot that may not happen. Regret would be a bitch, but you can also regret not trying. Shying away from what you say is your #1 life goal has led you where you are. Either toss the goal, or toss the life. The two are opposites. You cannot have both. Embrace either and be okay with the possibility of disaster.

Family is everything to you? Everything?
At 39 mothers have children at risk of disadvantages.
Convincing her to launch a family into the difficult environment you find yourself in may be Herculean and take long enough that those odds become intractable to her mind, even if not to yours.
You met her at 30/25. Married at 35/30. 9 years later, still beating the drum of baby, baby?

There are three choices here, I feel.
1) Abandon the idea of children of your own. Or at least set a deadline beyond which it's no longer sane to keep tormenting yourself for life goals not met.
2) Divorce, move overseas to an impoverished land. Marry a woman of child bearing age, 20 years your junior who may find your economic advantages worth exchanging for a mate more conventionally matched to her.
3) Bankroll a lesbian couple to accept you as the donor and provide a third income to support your child. (half serious, here. Your options are tough to come by)

If you're wealthy you may be able to pull this off domestically, but that wasn't the impression I got. Option #2 strikes me as the likeliest method by which to achieve natural fatherhood.

In both cases, it sounds as though you might benefit from therapy and medicine to help with the depression.

I also have to wonder about the odd disconnect between wanting an attractive lingerie model when you see yourself as ugly (even if it is internalized abuse of others.) Toughtiger says charm counts for a lot, and it does, but statistics do too. People generally do sort out at "their level", as sad as that may be to say for our supposedly sophisticated species. Charm and other goodies can boost you a few points, but many men see that as lifting their "best possible" candidates, where it could be wiser to see it as bringing a much larger volume of women into "good" territory. The less you try to land a "prize" the more likely your mate will be the one to think she is the lucky one.

It may be your wife is well within your "league", under wear or not, but the possibility of better is ruining your chances to allow the two of you to be satisfied with each other. You're here at ILIASM so it could take a while before she achieves that level of relationship. You too, plausibly.

Arguably, if you looked after yourself, divorced your wife, and located a woman in her last healthy fertile years who is well beneath you, looks wise. She may desperately want children of her own, find you quite acceptable in every other way, and see your advanced age as the compromise she must make because she is out of time. 

How bad do you want those kids?
Some portion of your ideals must be left behind. (homeowner, minimum beauty, living in a modern Western country, etc.)

Thanks for your note of introduction. There's a lot to go over, but I've pulled out some items that are of particular interest to me.

Some observations:

First, you don't want to kill yourself. You just want an end to the feeling of being trapped in your present circumstance. I can assure you that your circumstance can change, and that pretty much any change is better or offers hope over killing yourself. It's not unusual to have suicidal ideation, or death ideation. I kept wanting a meteor to strike me out of the sky, but others want to take more active measures. You can go to a therapist and talk about your problems, but most men would rather kill themselves than talk about problems without actually DOING anything that gives them a feeling of control again over their lives.  The way you phrased #7 and #8 has you posing yourself as someone who feels little control and who lives by the charity of others. It doesn't have to be this way.

Second, you aren't attracted to your wife, and you've posed that you are with her now because you don't think anyone else (which might mean anyone better) would want you. It's possible she sees the "sexy underwear" as some kind of mask to put over herself. It's very unlikely that after 14 years, she's not aware of your lack of attraction. As such, she would likely interpret (correctly) that your sexual invitations to her were simply the result of you being horny, rather than about any unique sexual attraction between you.

Some advice:
I want you to look around your 44 year old peer group and consider the people who got divorced and did badly, and those who got divorced and did well. Look especially to the women.
The prescription here is less about making demands on your partner, and more about becoming an interesting and attractive person YOURSELF.

So, pretend you are going to be divorced in a year, and you need to make changes in your life to prepare. How would you go about that?

1. Confidence. This means doing something DIFFERENT than what you've done your whole life. Possibly doing the opposite of your inclinations.
Wardrobe is an easy one to upgrade - lots to learn about men's timeless fashion rules, retire stuff that isn't working and get into stuff that fits you now.
Hair: If you are balding to the point of being self conscious, it's time to get a shaver and take it down to 3mm. Don't hide it. If you have hair, get to a proper salon and ask them what you should do. Seek help in upgrading your look - share/explain to your stylist what your overall goal is, and they might get a sense of it.
Physique: Getting into reasonable shape goes a long way. Find your exercise if you don't have one. Join something, and/or take up running and cycling. Invest in proper running shoes and download the Nike Running app. If you are actually a profoundly unhandsome man, you can improve your lot considerably by becoming VERY fit - but this will involve more commitment.
Details: How are your teeth, nails. The level of care you attend to with these is a signifier as to the level of care you may attend to other things. Invest in your teeth if it's something you are self-conscious about.

In short, be mindful of the things you are self-conscious about and then do things to change those things so that you no longer feel self-conscious about them.
Update yourself so you can feel good enough on a first date with someone totally new. You might or might not do that eventually, but you owe to yourself the best version of yourself that you can be..

2. Be an interesting person. An interesting person has interests. What are your hobbies? If you don't have any, find one! Hopefully one that gives you skills you don't have - music, cooking, camping for example. Hopefully things that also intersect socially with women.

Both of these things will likely draw time and resources that you are likely putting aside right now for your marriage, and instead - you will put them toward yourself. Consider it an investment. You want your wife to invest in sexy underwear - turn that finger around so it points at you. Don't ask her what you should do. Do or discover something new that you can feel passionate about. If you don't, then toss it and try something else. Do a year of Yes. If someone suggests something you should try, that they have done - make a promise to yourself that you have to say YES. Then do it.

3. Stop thinking of your marriage as a consolation prize --as the "best you can do" with what you've got. No partner wants to feel that way about themselves. Look, if you are at home and feel unloved (and this goes for your wife as well), that's a toxic situation irrespective of whether you can "do any better" for a partner.  The choices in front of you are stay or go and be single. Being single is or could be better than being tethered to someone you don't want as a partner and who doesn't want you as a partner, and who isn't acting as a romantic partner. Any prospective romantic partner doesn't want just to be a swap for the previous one - it doesn't work like that (at least not successfully). You need to get to a place where you feel reasonably sorted out as a single man who is an interesting person, who has friends and interests and a life that doesn't depend on someone else. That's much more appealing universally, and puts you in a position to feel more confidence. 

Instead of thinking of your marriage as a last place finisher, look at what you and your wife agree a marriage to be, and see if you meet that threshold. You had a wedding - yes. But how is your life together different from, say, amicable ex-spouses, roommates, or a family member living with you? Are you living an actual marriage?

If you seem lost in a complex situation and wondering what to do, a good place to start is with yourself. Start anywhere there and change one thing. If you can't improve something yet, then think of one thing you do right now that takes a bad situation and makes it worse. Stop doing that. Make a promise now and stop. Small incremental changes in the same direction will take you a long, long way. Sort yourself out first - don't do it so she will love you. Do it for yourself and the results will attend to themselves one way or another - but I guarantee - you won't feel like you feel right now about yourself and your life.

Will any of this result in your wife wanting sex with you? I don't know. Doubtful, based on the description you've posed about where you both seem to be in this situation. But you will feel more in command of your destiny, with more options, with hope and optimism, and even excitement. That's not a bad trade from today.