Parental alienation,and meeting old friends.

Thanks so much for your caring response!  I've posted about my kids before ,so..i'll keep it short.

A brief summary of info. I've read:1) Kids today are no longer adults at 18 yrs. old. The majority aren't even considering leaving the house until their 22 yrs. old.
2) Statistics show after parental alienation ,there's a 40/60 chance that the kids return.
3) The return age is close to 25 yrs. old. ( think of all those precious, years, missed?)
4) The vast majority of teens that get arrested are missing a father figure. ( I could go on, and on...)
5) It can take as little as 2 weeks for parental alienation to take a permanent hold.


I am / was a strong believer in keeping kids in the loop so the other spouse cannot make up some BS story. or twist the facts.

Very true! I was capable of that in the first 6 months, after the divorce and during the almost 2 yr. divorce.  Just a few weeks before this happened I was taking Sarah back to her mom's house and she asked me " how come you haven't fixed the pool pump?".
I knew right away her mother had been filling her head with false info. and denying her responsibility. ( what 16 yr. old girl is thinking about the pool pump? Right!?)
I informed my daughter about her mothers manipulative control over the money, cancelling my debit cards, knowing the house repairs would be her $$$ ,since she would keep the house, her moms delays on settling financial agreements until the final hour of the divorce, and...the cherry on the top...
All this happened after I had moved away, the pump was running, and I knew nothing about it!!
My daughter's response was " That's what I thought, I knew it! Thank you daddy! Mom's a liar!" I would always encourage her" it's still good that you get to be with her, try to get along, the best you can, and I get to be with you next week, love you!"


It is silly IMO your EX was so pissed off you left after she killed the relationship with the NO sex etc.

Sadly my ex is a covert narcissist, so the need for revenge ,and control rules out any kind of empathy  ( something my ex gives very little of) towards the children. My ex was very proud of herself that she " detached herself years ago" before our divorce, which i discovered she had already been seeing attorneys , and moving $$$ ,about before I filed.

Side note: their was no cheating, drugs, drinking, gambling, domestic violence, in our 25 yrs. together.

So...when you see old friends, and you have those few precious first minutes to make  an impression again....who want's to bring up all those old wounds? right?
  And yet...their are times when it's the right thing to do.
I've been pleasantly surprised at how many people will offer you understanding, and empathy! Sometimes they have their own story and gladly identify with what you've been through!

I don't understand why parents do this. Sounds like a narcissist! They always pick on someone then remove the circle of supporters one by one.

Thank you for sharing.
I have a buddy in your shoes. One son. Mother gets upset anytime their son shows signs of enjoying time with his father.

Lots of kids have absentee fathers.
Here your kids have two parents ready to support them and your wife prefers they act as if she's a single mom/widow. Last I heard, those situations tend to be very, very hard.

"I've been pleasantly surprised at how many people will offer you understanding, and empathy! Sometimes they have their own story and gladly identify with what you've been through!"


Good on ya.

In this stupid social media world where people only advertise their successes, people are left to think they are the only ones in the world who aren't "killing it" 24-7.
Shared vulnerability is an opportunity to not pretend, to shake off the perpetual shame of less-than-perfect lives.

ILIASM is such an antidote, isn't it?

The full custody thing.... sounds like a route to ruin. Bad mouthing your half your children's genetic legacy is a poor parental decision, sure, but ending all rights? I can't imagine any judge agreeing to that. Sticks and stones kind of thing. It's awful, yes, but what judge wants to take responsibility for a different eff'd up outcome? As it stands, it's the nasty spouse's fault. Add to it the appeals process. I think there'd have to be some provable empirical harm being done before custody could be completely removed. 
When full custody does get awarded, it's more frequently to the mom. Lawyer fees may make a parent less capable of providing a stable household (ability to afford legal help will vary wildly, admittedly.)

"When the mother has substance abuse issues or untreated mental illness or has abused or neglected the child, the father has a good chance of getting full custody. The father will need to prove in court that awarding the mother custody could endanger the child's well-being.



Child custody could come down to availability. If the mother has a busy work schedule, the court may determine the father has more time to dedicate to the child. With this, of course, the father would need to prove he's capable of caring for the child."

Potentially interesting site:
psychlaw.net/

Your story illustrates how kids see issues even if we thought we hid them ... thankfully my marriage went seriously down hill after most kids had moved out.

While somewhat sad, did you not get a slight bit of satisfaction he saw through her mind games?

I have spoken a great deal to my kids about this type of thing to help them sort out any dysfunction the saw in the dealings between me and their dad.

Unfortunately I am going through this will one of my kids as well. I have great relationships with my oldest (20 and off at college) and youngest (14), but my ex has absolutely played up the victim role, which has poisoned the relationship with my 16 year old. She hasn't come over for a visitation since Christmas 2021. I still include her in texts, etc. to my other kids and tell her I miss her and want to see her. I see her on occasion at functions, but get nothing more than a Hi if I approach her.

My attorneys are still trying to get the parenting agreement enforced, but my ex is so toxic that her own attorney doesn't even want to deal with her anymore, so nothing is getting done. I have no doubt that karma is going to come back my ex's way in a big way at some point in the future and she'll pay for all her actions, but until then I just have to keep trying to be the dad and let me kiddo know that I am there if she ever needs me. I do miss her very much and it really shows me what an absolute vile person my ex is for encouraging this behavior.