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Post by baza on Sept 3, 2023 1:15:33 GMT -5
When you are in an ILIASM deal, many many things in a typical day remind you of that fact.
It seems to seep in to everything.
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 3, 2023 2:30:23 GMT -5
When you are in an ILIASM deal, many many things in a typical day remind you of that fact. It seems to seep in to everything. That is SO true and each reminder hurts. But its beginning to hurt a little less. Since joining this forum, the realisation that I am not alone has really helped me slow down my thoughts, probably from a natural urge for sex to "observing" what is going on. I know that for whatever reason my w does not want sex or intimacy, but that she loves me otherwise. I love her and have no desire to leave her. But sex I shall be having soon; just not at home! If that arrangement doesn't work then I guess life is going to get a whole lot more complicated. |
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even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
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Post by even on Sept 3, 2023 5:00:26 GMT -5
When you are in an ILIASM deal, many many things in a typical day remind you of that fact. It seems to seep in to everything. I guess I was avoiding the fact before because it hurts. It is also because life had more important things like my daughter needs medical treatment before 5 years old and I need my daughter having an intact family with Dad bringing in the bread and Mom taking care her during her treatment. . I am totally capable bringing in the bread myself and enjoying my work, so unconsciously waiting for my daughter to grow up is a major reason to avoid facing the fact. My husband did not help the pain also. He said “it is our daughter killed our sex life, not me”. He tried to let me literally blame our innocent daughter so he can conveniently have a “wife” and not have a wife at the same time. I just tell him loud and clear “find another wife prop, I am not doing it anymore”. We are not talking anymore now living under the same roof. My determination to leave him starts to settling in him now. I considered this progress, despite missing good things in our marriage. I (and he) need to move forward. |
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even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
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Post by even on Sept 3, 2023 5:08:49 GMT -5
When you are in an ILIASM deal, many many things in a typical day remind you of that fact. It seems to seep in to everything. That is SO true and each reminder hurts. But its beginning to hurt a little less. Since joining this forum, the realisation that I am not alone has really helped me slow down my thoughts, probably from a natural urge for sex to "observing" what is going on. I know that for whatever reason my w does not want sex or intimacy, but that she loves me otherwise. I love her and have no desire to leave her. But sex I shall be having soon; just not at home! If that arrangement doesn't work then I guess life is going to get a whole lot more complicated. I do think love is more important than sex. In my case, there is a lot more neglects besides sex. He also has anger issue. I just fell out love unfortunately and it is not easy to admit that after practicing my love for him daily for 7 years. I hope you can find balance in your sex life and still keep your love in your marriage. To be able to love and willing to give is a beautiful thing. |
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 3, 2023 17:19:11 GMT -5
When you are in an ILIASM deal, many many things in a typical day remind you of that fact. It seems to seep in to everything. That is SO true and each reminder hurts. But its beginning to hurt a little less. Since joining this forum, the realisation that I am not alone has really helped me slow down my thoughts, probably from a natural urge for sex to "observing" what is going on. I know that for whatever reason my w does not want sex or intimacy, but that she loves me otherwise. I love her and have no desire to leave her. But sex I shall be having soon; just not at home! If that arrangement doesn't work then I guess life is going to get a whole lot more complicated. We all come here loving our spouses. I spent a long time looking for the solution, that magic ingredient that would fix our marriage and give us the relationship we deserved. But, think about this. If you loved someone, would you deny them something they wanted which they could only get from you, which you had in abundance? Of course not. So, does your refusing spouse truly love you? |
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 3, 2023 17:35:27 GMT -5
That is SO true and each reminder hurts. But its beginning to hurt a little less. Since joining this forum, the realisation that I am not alone has really helped me slow down my thoughts, probably from a natural urge for sex to "observing" what is going on. I know that for whatever reason my w does not want sex or intimacy, but that she loves me otherwise. I love her and have no desire to leave her. But sex I shall be having soon; just not at home! If that arrangement doesn't work then I guess life is going to get a whole lot more complicated. We all come here loving our spouses. I spent a long time looking for the solution, that magic ingredient that would fix our marriage and give us the relationship we deserved. But, think about this. If you loved someone, would you deny them something they wanted which they could only get from you, which you had in abundance? Of course not. So, does your refusing spouse truly love you? |
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 3, 2023 17:35:46 GMT -5
Yes I believe she truly does; don't get me wrong, its a total clusterfuck and frustrating as hell, but I don't think she can help herself. I appreciate your candour and you very very well be right but I'm working this out one day at a time.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 4, 2023 0:27:56 GMT -5
Yes I believe she truly does; don't get me wrong, its a total clusterfuck and frustrating as hell, but I don't think she can help herself. I appreciate your candour and you very very well be right but I'm working this out one day at a time. There's no rush, here. Emotions are funny things, and even if confronted with irrefutable truth, emotions often win out over logic. Do you know, or have some idea, what is going on in her head causing her to be a refuser? One common cause is childhood sexual abuse. Religious guilt is another. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 4, 2023 2:49:35 GMT -5
Yes I believe she truly does; don't get me wrong, its a total clusterfuck and frustrating as hell, but I don't think she can help herself. I appreciate your candour and you very very well be right but I'm working this out one day at a time. There's no rush, here. Emotions are funny things, and even if confronted with irrefutable truth, emotions often win out over logic. Do you know, or have some idea, what is going on in her head causing her to be a refuser? One common cause is childhood sexual abuse. Religious guilt is another. I would think another cause was/is low self esteem ( body image) from the teen years. There's also the example set by the parents. |
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Post by aquacat on Sept 4, 2023 19:33:41 GMT -5
There's no rush, here. Emotions are funny things, and even if confronted with irrefutable truth, emotions often win out over logic. Do you know, or have some idea, what is going on in her head causing her to be a refuser? One common cause is childhood sexual abuse. Religious guilt is another. I would think another cause was/is low self esteem ( body image) from the teen years. There's also the example set by the parents. That would be one of my wife’s issues, self esteem. She had it growing up even though she wasn’t really too overweight. She’s had weight loss surgery to help fix a few health issues and now that she’s at her ideal weight the body image issue has shifted to how much smaller her breasts are since she lost weight. I told her they were perfectly fine and I still find them sexy but she only focuses on the negative. |
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maxlonely
New Member
In a desperately lonely relationship..
Posts: 13
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Post by maxlonely on Sept 6, 2023 4:52:11 GMT -5
Its great to make the decision and move forward.Can I ask who initiated the dry spell?
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 13, 2023 20:11:32 GMT -5
I'm impressed it took me forever but it is such a wonderful relief when it's in the works. My ex like your husband did not want it . I wish I could have stayed as strong. I mean I did go through with it but suffered terrible guilt. It took every thing in me to not walk it back. And counseling after I got out. You should be so proud of your strength and taking control of your happiness!
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 22, 2023 6:21:38 GMT -5
...she’s at her ideal weight the body image issue has shifted to how much smaller her breasts are since she lost weight. ... My wife's friend observed that women lose weight from the top, down. Face, chest, stomach. In that order. Rather demoralizing if you're not prepared for it. |
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