even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
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Post by even on Aug 21, 2023 18:26:42 GMT -5
So, I officially told my husband that I want a divorce. I don’t want to live in a sexless marriage anymore, period. I talked with my cousin and my mom about the issue of zero sex in 5 years before the decision. They were shocked and felt my pain. I am glad I talked it out. The last week has been the best week in the last 5 years because I don’t have to hide anymore and I don’t have to carefully manage my emotions so that I don’t feel hurt by what’s obvious wrong in our marriage.
My husband, on the other hand, is devastating. He took days off work. He begged me to stay. I said if there is ever be a restart for us, it is not going to be now. He needs to find his happiness and I need to find mine. He is trying to win me back by starting to work out and going to doctor for the sex issue by himself (he never went to doctor once in our marriage). He said he cried to doctor. I feel bad for him, but I told him I would not be won back now. . He needs to be himself for himself. If that’s the life he wants, good for him. I am not obligated to respond anymore. If in the future I find I have feeling for him and we are able to have like just normal intimacy, then I may date him again or not. He also have a forest to explore if that happens.
We decided to take it slow for the divorce , so that both of us can process our emotions and prepare for a better agreement about our daughter and finances. I told him I will start to date. He asked me just not telling him and waited a few weeks. I am mindful about his feelings, and I am not desperately running to another man including my current crush. The freedom from a toxic marriage is more precious than anything now. I enjoy my alone time (without sex) much better now!
Thanks this forum for giving me the courage and insight!
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 21, 2023 18:45:19 GMT -5
Congratulations on taking the steps needed for your emotional health. You don't need to be miserable for the rest of your life.
New to this forum myself and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. I haven't had the courage to take that final step yet for myself.
My next step is to talk to a councilor to see if I can live with the status quo or not.
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even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
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Post by even on Aug 21, 2023 21:41:28 GMT -5
Congratulations on taking the steps needed for your emotional health. You don't need to be miserable for the rest of your life. New to this forum myself and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. I haven't had the courage to take that final step yet for myself. My next step is to talk to a councilor to see if I can live with the status quo or not. I went through months thinking about “if I can live with the status quo or not”. Personally I feel it is not that I can live with it or not. Deeply it is a sense of rejection and being in total out of control that bothered me. I wish I had made a different decision with peace, but I will need time to heal by myself. I hope you can find peace in your mind and heart no matter what the decision will be. I am glad you have a councilor to help you in this process. |
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2023 21:52:41 GMT -5
Wow Sister even , you haven't let the grass grow under your feet here. You've made spectacular progress in a matter of days !! If you maintain this process of making your choices on the basis of what is in your longer term best interests then you can't go too far wrong. I got nothing as far as suggestions go, you seem to be doing just fine yourself. |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 22, 2023 0:01:47 GMT -5
Good for you! It is just what i would expect from my dead fish spouse if i was to really go through divorce.
I am glad you are resolved and not falling for the NOW he will work out and beg doctor for help.... TOO little Too late .... why weren't you important enough for him to seek medical help before. I have no idea wht these partners male or female think when they decide no more...I hope others have their dead in bed spouses realize help was available and all they had to do was wake the heck up and SEE how miserable their spouse was before they file for divorce.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 22, 2023 2:44:34 GMT -5
Yep, my H did that too. Suddenly he could listen and hear me, wanted to negotiate about finding solutions. Yeah, do-one with that. Worst though was that he miraculously found his libido. Ewwwww.
I stood my ground, my decision was made. He then went into meltdown and was off work for five months. Moping around our home, unwashed and despairing, all visible to our children. This simply strengthened my resolve. Who wants to be married to that?
Today things are much better. It is rough, but very survivable.
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even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
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Post by even on Aug 22, 2023 6:40:04 GMT -5
Wow Sister even , you haven't let the grass grow under your feet here. You've made spectacular progress in a matter of days !! If you maintain this process of making your choices on the basis of what is in your longer term best interests then you can't go too far wrong. I got nothing as far as suggestions go, you seem to be doing just fine yourself. Thank you. Yes, long term interest is one thing I have to keep reminding myself. I am using my new found freedom (in terms of both time and energy) to work out and to work longer hours while get my license, so that after divorce I can restart financially. That I chose not to cheat physically and then told him to divorce also because I want to spare the drama and tension to split, which will hurt our daughter and finances. I told him even though romantically I feel dead toward him, I still have trust and respect for him. I want to have a good ex relationship for the sake of our 7 years marriage and our daughter. I know this may change if I actually start to date during our divorce. We will see. So far so good. Thanks for the warnings from this forum, I am prepared for a bumpy road ahead, despite emotional freedom. But it is worth it. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 23, 2023 12:44:52 GMT -5
Depending on your jurisdiction, making more money would likely mean that you are saddled with an obligation for support and equalization payments, if you make more money than him. If you are planning to have a long slow separation like mine, I'd recommend collecting tax records and asset snapshots now and every year. If this is a long road (years in my case), you will need to pick a separation date for finances, and this may end up a sliding scale. I make a lot more money than I did when my ex wife moved out, and I was shocked at what the likely outcome would be in courts for payments.
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Post by jerri on Aug 26, 2023 0:27:00 GMT -5
This would be my weakest area. Sorry
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Post by anotherdavid on Aug 26, 2023 2:09:51 GMT -5
Someone told me that folk stay in bad relationships for as long as the perceived pain of leaving exceeds the pain of staying and once that threshold is passed then no thinking or weighing up the pros and cons is required - they just know. Is that how it was for you even? |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2023 14:37:47 GMT -5
"Someone told me that folk stay in bad relationships for as long as the perceived pain of leaving exceeds the pain of staying and once that threshold is passed then no thinking or weighing up the pros and cons is required - they just know. Is that how it was for you even?"
That's how it was for me. I never regretted ending my 34-year marriage. It's been 10 years now. And I'm so glad that I'm no longer married to him.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 26, 2023 14:44:00 GMT -5
Someone told me that folk stay in bad relationships for as long as the perceived pain of leaving exceeds the pain of staying and once that threshold is passed then no thinking or weighing up the pros and cons is required - they just know. Is that how it was for you even? I'm still struggling with this. I know I need to have "the talk" but I know at that point it's really over and it's scary. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2023 14:51:33 GMT -5
m76: "I'm still struggling with this. I know I need to have "the talk" but I know at that point it's really over and it's scary."
What's the point of "The talk," if you know it's really over. Far better to get individual counseling for emotional support and clarity and to see a lawyer so you'll have the info you need to divorce. By the time I divorced, even if he'd agreed to have sex with me I no longer wanted to be with him in a romantic relationship.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Aug 26, 2023 15:17:31 GMT -5
m76: "I'm still struggling with this. I know I need to have "the talk" but I know at that point it's really over and it's scary." What's the point of "The talk," if you know it's really over. Far better to get individual counseling for emotional support and clarity and to see a lawyer so you'll have the info you need to divorce. By the time I divorced, even if he'd agreed to have sex with me I no longer wanted to be with him in a romantic relationship. Well I don't expect after the talk that she will suddenly want to be intimate. I am in counciling now to make sure I'm prepared for the fall out. |
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even
Junior Member
Posts: 22
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Post by even on Sept 2, 2023 21:53:34 GMT -5
Someone told me that folk stay in bad relationships for as long as the perceived pain of leaving exceeds the pain of staying and once that threshold is passed then no thinking or weighing up the pros and cons is required - they just know. Is that how it was for you even? For me, facing the fact that I had not had sex since the conception of my daughter is the final straw. One day, I looked at my daughter and counted she is almost 5 years old. Every day when I look at her it reminds me how long that my emotional and physiological needs have been neglected. No pro and cons anymore after that. Just facing the fact and take it. Leaving it is the only option to stop the self abuse. |
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