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Post by toughtiger on Sept 5, 2023 13:31:21 GMT -5
I think this resentment seeps into everything else. when i get frustrated i am scary pissed off.
i was out of town visiting our daughter and came back to a complete and total mess and literally he does NOTHING for me.
he did his laundry i had some in hamper he left it ...
cooks greasy foods i had to spend an hour washing counter stove top etc up
he did not even rinse coffee maker out had a bout half cup sitting there for a week ... he chose to go buy coffee for himself as he does not want to make just a cup even though that is an option on our machine.
These are minor items but i literally am seething because the whole thing ... he once asked why i seemed angry and i told him a good orgasm would certainly help my attitude but since that is just another item i must do MYSELF. It often is down the chore list.
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 5, 2023 15:50:19 GMT -5
I think this resentment seeps into everything else. when i get frustrated i am scary pissed off. i was out of town visiting our daughter and came back to a complete and total mess and literally he does NOTHING for me. he did his laundry i had some in hamper he left it ... cooks greasy foods i had to spend an hour washing counter stove top etc up he did not even rinse coffee maker out had a bout half cup sitting there for a week ... he chose to go buy coffee for himself as he does not want to make just a cup even though that is an option on our machine. These are minor items but i literally am seething because the whole thing ... he once asked why i seemed angry and i told him a good orgasm would certainly help my attitude but since that is just another item i must do MYSELF. It often is down the chore list. There might be a reason why he does HIS laundry and literally nothing else. Slobs like that don't lift a finger around the house, no matter who the laundry belongs to. Unless you were gone for weeks, maybe he was covering his tracks. |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 5, 2023 16:47:39 GMT -5
only tracks he could cover .......was grease / salt from eating foods his cardiologist said no more......
as for doing anything he could not even with a helper and tying it to a Popsicle stick to pretend it is erect.
It just should not bother me but he really does NOTHING for me ..... i tried that love language thing but scored pretty even so acts of service is not a huge thing but even pretending he is not so self centered would be a win.
started looking for divorce lawyers ... i will need to move so my other house is about 300 miles away (same state) so think it might be better to get a lawyer there.
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2023 13:02:31 GMT -5
I do not resent my spouse any longer ....... i did for a long time but now i see i resent myself for not being much more proactive in either finding a better solution or leaving .... i got complacent and i need to see it will not recover no longer holding on to a life raft in case the titanic resurfaces. That's where I'm at too. Accepting that she would never change helped me lose most of my resentment. I deeply regret getting married and also regret that it took me so long to realize that. |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 7, 2023 15:07:38 GMT -5
Abandoning our resentment is a good thing. Accepting our situation, not so much. This thread brought to mind one posted by timeforliving2.in it he postulates "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." iliasm.org/thread/243 |
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2023 17:13:14 GMT -5
Abandoning our resentment is a good thing. Accepting our situation, not so much. This thread brought to mind one posted by timeforliving2.in it he postulates "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." iliasm.org/thread/243Accepting the situation is not the same as accepting that which you cannot change. I accept that my wife will never be interested in making a sex life work. That is out of my hands. I accept that for the immediate future, I'm stuck with her. I haven't accepted that will be permanent though. I am working towards having my finances in order to eventually afford my freedom. I am not accepting the situation but I am accepting my wife as she is. |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 8, 2023 0:48:03 GMT -5
interesting turn of phrase and i like the changing things i cannot accept concept.
the all week fight resulted in him listening to me at least about our legal issue ...... he says i get mad and rant and no one listens when i do that....
so i told him i am angry and miserable most of the time for other reasons then he thinks
it is spreading into other aspects in my life.
CLUELESS asked me WHY so i told him .......it pisses my off when i need to use a toy laying right next to you snoring
somehow that seemed to piss him off ....how can he be mad i mean he bought me the thing when he told me our sex life was over ... did he think it was in the box somewhere.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 14, 2023 6:07:00 GMT -5
now i am questioning what about me he finds repulsive. I am seriously confused how a person whom was very sexual when younger has zero even thought about it I had to rewind this thread for a moment. This is classic refused partner self-blame. He used to want you badly. Now you're repulsive? That makes no logical sense unless you were in a oil refinery explosion and joined Insane Clown Posse thereafter and insist on being in grease paint 24-7. Maybe it's not all him, but it's likely to be mostly him. Especially if he's got no tips on anything that'd help. A little self-compassion required here. The missive neglect of the home is a sublime frosting on the steaming shit-cake of SM. I don't think you rattled off the "everything is great but...." line, but your non-laundry list would sure blow it apart if you had. Any chance he's autistic? It's just so oblivious. If not, it seems borderline hostile. Not to throw kerosene in the coals, but... I hear quacking. Cardiologist? Fatty food? Hm. Atherosclerosis clogs blood vessels all over the body. His crap diet may be sabotaging more than just his ticker. Sorry if this is covered ground. My memory has been shot through in the past two years and maybe this is one of those times where I'm not keeping ILIASM siblings' stories straight. |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 14, 2023 9:33:11 GMT -5
mirrororchidhe had a heart issues most of life ... from birth really....... had experimental surgery as a child back long ago where he was a case study etc.... did not stop him most of his life doing very strenuous things........ but he complete refusal to take care of himself has now come home. most people knowing they were living only after serious intervention as a small child would be a better steward of his body. he only eats greasy crap if i am gone..... if situation was reversed i would have cleaned and hid my mess and total disregard to all the work i do reading and researching all labels for sodium content and looking for items to help him. his has a faulty valve but had that forever...... but he is using it NOW as "well i can not do this or i cannot do that" ( not doctor saying it only spouse) .... except if he wants to then he can ... he has never once spoken up to doctor about is it safe or ok to attempt sex.... he needs to exercise more has not asked doctor about recommended levels or what he can or cannot do he looked at gyms and prices and dropped it......... so i looked at another one spoke to him about it he resorts to "i have no time / my health yada yada ."... his idea OK---- my idea .. impossible It was suggested by a close friend that he has at least ADHD signs if not on the autistic spectrum. I do not need him to have yet another convenient excuse for his behavior .... sudden onset at an older age is not in those conditions that i have read.... these signs they speak of only are clear in last few years. he was a completely different person .he actually has let inconsideration reach new levels ALL the time.
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Post by catlover on Sept 14, 2023 12:31:50 GMT -5
I feel resentment in spades! I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted!
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 14, 2023 12:36:01 GMT -5
I feel resentment in spades! I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted! I hear that. Each time she refused the excuses make it sound like would be a possibility another time so i kept hoping. It was only recently my wife told me flat out that sex is not something she wants at all. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 14, 2023 15:44:03 GMT -5
I feel resentment in spades! I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted! I hear that. Each time she refused the excuses make it sound like would be a possibility another time so i kept hoping. It was only recently my wife told me flat out that sex is not something she wants at all. Actually your W has probably been telling you this for quite some time. Not in words, but in her actions. Don't feel badly about not getting the message . I made the same mistake when my now X would say not today, followed by the excuse, maybe tomorrow. Or sometimes she would say later. By this she ment , 3 months later. I am one of the lucky ones here in that my SM was relitively short, just a couple years. Now that hope has been taken off the table, will you be considering a different course of action or will you be "staying"? |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 14, 2023 17:11:54 GMT -5
I feel resentment in spades! I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted! I hear that. Each time she refused the excuses make it sound like would be a possibility another time so i kept hoping. It was only recently my wife told me flat out that sex is not something she wants at all. I think that is what builds the resentment in me ...... just tell me the truth do NOT act like it is short term.... women especially acting like it might happen to string someone along...... is very deceitful. what were they waiting for to see how much we would put up from them and not leave.? after putting up with a lot then saying divorce the one who was refused looks like the bad one cause on the outside others think all is well. That is why i told friends and family ... he refuses to do anything and we do not have a sex life at ALL ...... NO one will ever ask me "what happened? they know. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 15, 2023 6:03:08 GMT -5
what were they waiting for to see how much we would put up from them and not leave.? after putting up with a lot, then saying divorce, the one who was refused looks like the bad one cause on the outside others think all is well. That is why i told friends and family ... he refuses to do anything and we do not have a sex life at ALL … NO one will ever ask me "what happened? they know. Maybe all the slob stuff is upping teh ante. Cuts off the sex, tired of the badgering, he makes himself more unpleasant company. I get the feeling this is not uncommon refuser behavior. Cutting off sex is supposed to trigger an affair they can blame. When it doesn't they get angry their plan didn't work, they become insufferable, either consciously or unconsciously. Tough to confirm my conspiracy theory... who wants to admit nuking their own marriage? Informed non-monogamy undermines the goal of blaming "betrayal". They were told it would happen and why it was happening. How do they come across as the good guy when there's a medical or psychological problem behind it and it's theirs? This may be the reason for the resets that sometimes result. |
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