|
|
Post by angryspartan on Jun 10, 2016 12:34:12 GMT -5
Sometimes finding out what "it" is that is causing/contributing to our problem can be found.
Back story:
We had an off and on relationship when we were dating. I ran at times because I was scared and knew I'd end up marrying her. She did the same to a lesser extent. I was not scared because I didn't like her, but it was just a case of cold feet I guess.
During one of our breaks, I had hooked up with a girl that I had messed around with prior to us meeting each other; it happened the day after we broke up. Ahh that girl was awesome in bed......ok I'm not going to get off topic.
Like a fool, I told her about it right after we got back together(not recommended, never tell if you don't have to). This of course messed with her head, yet she still decided to marry me. You would think if something was that big of an issue, you wouldn't tie the knot, right? Nope, we'll just pack that away and carry it into the relationship for the rest of our lives and use it to punish the person you "love."
The thing is, I legitimately thought we were done when that happened. I would not have done it had I known we were going to end up back together. But it happened, I've forgotten about it, but it appears that this will always be in the back of her mind.
Here's the kicker, she basically did the same thing to me! That is different though and not the same from what I'm told. Apparently, calling me asking me if she should have inebriated sex with a former boyfriend is much more acceptable than what I did. Go figure.
Maybe if I submit to a hundred lashings, I can be absolved from committing the crime of the century, I don't know.
Anyhow, what I suspected to be the root of the problem was confirmed. How I deal with this is the next step.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 10, 2016 15:44:53 GMT -5
Convenient how the "sinfulness" of the two acts appears to be a gender-based difference?  I think ethereal is right on - - - it is a "happy coincidence" how it seems forgotten when you allow yourself to not have needs noticed or met, but comes to the forefront only when you are pushing to receive attention. Passive/aggressive? Or - - suppression of discomfort habits? Whatever the "clinical" word for this pattern is - - it's not emotionally healthy and sound. If she can't ever forgive you, why does she keep making you try to repent? If she forgave you enough to marry you, then why does she have to think of it at all? (I know though - - easy for me to say) |
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Jun 10, 2016 17:54:07 GMT -5
My bullshit detector is going off like fireworks on the 4th of July.
Passive aggressives always do this: withhold what you need and then blame you for it. Textbook.
What is this, "Friends?" All I can hear is Ross saying "We were on a break!"
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 11, 2016 0:32:24 GMT -5
angryspartan - truthfully, I think this is it instead... Her choosing bad behavior, and then later reaching back in history for an event she can remember, that she can use as an excuse. I call bullshit. Once during therapy W pulled out the excuse that I was always touching her sexually. I pointed out that I'd actually been making a conscious effort and hadn't so much as given her an unsolicited hug in 6 months. She went curiously silent after that. So, don't believe the excuse when it's too convenient.
|
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jun 11, 2016 7:12:05 GMT -5
From a female perspective (and use salt liberally here), I think it's a well contrived trump card which will always come in useful when you push to have your needs met -- It focuses blame on you and will forever serve her purpose. Pardon if I've overstepped. Yup. I can almost guarantee that while this is a reason to be mad and resent what you did, it is not the reason for the SM. It's something to blame to get you off her back because it cannot be fixed and is easy to point at as a reason. |
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jun 11, 2016 7:13:39 GMT -5
P.S. Read my tag line that appears under all of my posts. Drink it in. The end result is the same.
|
|
|
|
Post by LITW on Jun 11, 2016 9:14:29 GMT -5
One of the things I have learned from attending focus groups is that understanding the "whys" help you deal with the problem. You will never be able to fix whats wrong (with yourself -- you can't fix your spouse or anyone else) unless you know the root cause of it. In the case of a SM, knowing the why helps you deal with it, at least it does for me.
I have to +1 the comment from ethereal about trump cards. I hate it when people use trump cards, because the trump card almost always has nothing to do with the current situation. For years my wife used my history of watching porn as a trump card to shut down any sexual request that I made of her that made her uncomfortable. Its been a few years since she did that, but that may be because I stopped asking. Your wife may find that her use of that trump card works too well!
|
|
|
|
Post by Pinkberry on Jun 11, 2016 12:08:18 GMT -5
I won't argue with what helps someone. If it works for you, go for it.
However, in the case of the SM, there is not much value reported in figuring out the why. The why in this case does not necessarily lend itself to a solution. You still have a SM. Ultimately, the bottom line is that the refusing spouse does not care enough about your needs to make an effort in this area. Very rarely is there a "real" answer such as it turns out the person is gay (or straight if you are in a same sex relationship) or that the person has been having an affair and wants to leave or is asexual and has been afraid to tell you. Honestly, those are the easy answers and they still can't be fixed, though it does eliminate much of the self criticism that goes along with other possible reasons why the spouse refuses.
No matter the reason, people still have a SM to deal with. No matter the reason, the solutions are cheat, leave, or deal. No matter the reason, the SM is still unfair.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Jun 11, 2016 12:47:36 GMT -5
At a certain point, no matter how much research and effort and digging you do into THEIR why, you will start digging into the much more important why: why do you put up with it? Because whether the are asexual or angry or bored or dysfunctional or whatever, they have made it a billion percent clear that they don't plan on doing anything to change it. So, back to the real why: why are you still putting up with it?
|
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Jun 11, 2016 15:43:25 GMT -5
angryspartan At some point, we have to put the "why" behind and focus on the present and look towards the future.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 11, 2016 16:32:31 GMT -5
angryspartan At some point, we have to put the "why" behind and focus on the present and look towards the future. I agree. There is peace that comes with not caring about the "why?". As well at some point we have to put ourselves first if we are going to find happiness. To be honest though I am not free of the "why?" thoughts. However at the same time and in less than five minutes I realize that it doesn't matter. |
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Jun 11, 2016 16:50:57 GMT -5
angryspartan At some point, we have to put the "why" behind and focus on the present and look towards the future. I agree. There is peace that comes with not caring about the "why?". As well at some point we have to put ourselves first if we are going to find happiness. To be honest though I am not free of the "why?" thoughts. However at the same time and in less than five minutes I realize that it doesn't matter. It is difficult to fully free ourselves of the "why" thoughts. We can acknowledge they are there, send them off, and bring our thoughts back to the present. ((hugs)) bballgirl |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2016 23:18:52 GMT -5
angryspartan At some point, we have to put the "why" behind and focus on the present and look towards the future. This. I was a lot happier once I realized I no longer cared "why." When I stopped asking "why," I started asking, "Now what?" And that was when things started moving forward. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 12, 2016 7:22:00 GMT -5
angryspartan At some point, we have to put the "why" behind and focus on the present and look towards the future. This. I was a lot happier once I realized I no longer cared "why." When I stopped asking "why," I started asking, "Now what?" And that was when things started moving forward. The Why: do I put up with that? don't I improve things? should I put the children through this, when life would be better separated? don't I think about what's best for me once? don't I recognize my feelings, my needs, and start finding my own joy? |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 13, 2016 4:03:01 GMT -5
Lets just assume that you have indeed found the "why" Brother AngrySpartan.
That she takes the position that she has, because she is pissed about a part of your sexual history.
-
Her stance / behaviour does not seem to have altered from before (when you didn't know the "why") to now (when you DO know the "why).
-
The choice you wrestle with likewise remains the same as it was (*before* you knew the "why") and now, (after you do know the "why".)
-
The only thing that has essentially changed, it that X amount of time has elapsed between when you didn't know the "why", and when you did. Her behaviour doesn't appear to have altered at all.
-
The choices you face are still the same as ever they were.
|
|
I think ethereal is right on - - - it is a "happy coincidence" how it seems forgotten when you allow yourself to not have needs noticed or met, but comes to the forefront only when you are pushing to receive attention. Passive/aggressive? Or - - suppression of discomfort habits? Whatever the "clinical" word for this pattern is - - it's not emotionally healthy and sound. If she can't ever forgive you, why does she keep making you try to repent? If she forgave you enough to marry you, then why does she have to think of it at all?
