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Post by sweetplumeria on Jul 14, 2023 23:38:57 GMT -5
I can't recall if I posted this before but I Revisited listening to this this evening and it resonates so much with me that I just wanted to share it because even though it's about narcissistic husbands it could apply to wives as well I think and the reasons are very very interesting in my opinion. I'm feeling like maybe this got talked about before but I'm not sure anyways I think I'm dealing with the number one reason but I could be dealing with the number two reason to tell you the truth I don't think I'll ever get to know the reason....
Here are my notes and the link. The talk is only 19 min long.
Reasons Narcissistic husband refuses:
#4 performance issues (husband refuses wife because of pride easier to refuse than to be embarrassed)
#3 cheating (not just affair could be strip clubs, Asian massage parlors or ...not talked about but porn addiction is my thought) Author suggests the narcissist actually has a high sex drive, ironically.
#2 Gay husband comes out of the closet. Author feels like this is most malicious due to the ongoing lying.
#1 Control
Wife becomes a threat...
Narcissistic person attacks what brings you joy.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 15, 2023 8:10:05 GMT -5
I can't recall if I posted this before but I Revisited listening to this this evening and it resonates so much with me that I just wanted to share it because even though it's about narcissistic husbands it could apply to wives as well I think and the reasons are very very interesting in my opinion. I'm feeling like maybe this got talked about before but I'm not sure anyways I think I'm dealing with the number one reason but I could be dealing with the number two reason to tell you the truth I don't think I'll ever get to know the reason.... Here are my notes and the link. The talk is only 19 min long. Reasons Narcissistic husband refuses: #4 performance issues (husband refuses wife because of pride easier to refuse than to be embarrassed) #3 cheating (not just affair could be strip clubs, Asian massage parlors or ...not talked about but porn addiction is my thought) Author suggests the narcissist actually has a high sex drive, ironically. #2 Gay husband comes out of the closet. Author feels like this is most malicious due to the ongoing lying. #1 Control Wife becomes a threat... Narcissistic person attacks what brings you joy. I felt that... when I went back to work against his wishes I think he felt like he lost control. His theory is I went back to work to position myself to leave. I told him the kids are in school you spend all your time staring at the tv, game system and . I'm bored. But if you think I'm looking to leave maybe you should change what you are doing He did he started a porn addiction which then gave him performance issues. The kids and the sex were the last things good in our marriage and he killed our sex life... and ran up debt things he could control |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 14, 2023 15:34:22 GMT -5
i may have contributed to number 4 performance issues ....
i thought after many long talks about needs and wants i could come clean about some items in bedroom ..
that some positions he loved i got ZERO out of and felt it was time i stopped pretending...
i told him when the last few attempts about a year ago ...... went off in 3 seconds that after a few times IT was not OK / it does not happen to everyone and it did MATTER.
he said i ruined his confidence but i think that was a get out of blame free card for him ....
he may feel i am a threat as i asked for open to have FWB and i am taking care of myself in case an offer came up ... i spend more time on maintenance it was noticeable in his last clumsy go no where attempt( Year ago )
my question is IF he saw new under things and bras in wash everything trimmed up nicely etc more time on appearance yet he has NOT even asked or wondered if he is not seeing it who is.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Aug 14, 2023 16:26:32 GMT -5
"my question is IF he saw new under things and bras in wash everything trimmed up nicely etc more time on appearance yet he has NOT even asked or wondered if he is not seeing it who is". [/quote]
I figured out he just didn't look at me or notice anything. Nothing said about weight loss . I got a bunch of piercings and over the course of the last 10 years he asked me 3 times when I got that done... like it was new.
I started trimming more aggressively when I out sourced. He never knew because he never got close enough. I bought lingerie and matching bra and panties.. nothing said. So he either didn't notice or didn't care.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 18, 2023 6:22:51 GMT -5
he may feel i am a threat as i asked for open to have FWB and i am taking care of myself in case an offer came up ... ... IF he saw new under things and bras in wash everything trimmed up nicely etc more time on appearance yet he has NOT even asked or wondered: if he is not seeing it, who is. Hopefully, you're prepared for his not commenting and aren't priming yourself for anger. In your travels around ILIASM, you may have a look around at the posts of jerri. She has had a few FWB but she started her new dynamic by providing all the types of affection her husband enjoyed to demonstrate her outsourcing was not going to signal a loss of commitment. So far, she remains married and has steamy encounters with her gentlemen callers. The question becomes do you wish to stay married? Might you change your mind and the passion will trigger longing for monogamy with a husband which will require divorce, or will the FWB solution be a lasting one. Your posts have tones of simmering anger and perhaps both of you would benefit from finding a steam pressure valve, whether a FWB or a more drastic escape plan for you both. I hear pain in your posts and it seems something has to give, and frankly should. Sorry to hear about his fumbling efforts. If any of the zero-stim positions are favorites, taking turns may be okay, (your call) but he does need to learn some skills. He may find your reciprocation may be far more fun than your utilitarian presence. I hear that not all men appreciate the charge of delivering bliss, is he ignorant, or indifferent. It could matter. |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 18, 2023 15:09:46 GMT -5
mirrororchid no i was not doing items to get a response from him .... was just surprised he was or seems oblivious.... my friend i would like to be FWB is also in a SM. We both understand for various reasons we will stay married ... logistics as we live a great distance away and the upheaval in not only finances but whole families etc.... i suggested an arrangement from a OLD movie called " same time next year" people who met for a weekend each year type affair .... I have done the types of affection to maintain a relationship but it is very hard as spouse seems oblivious to everything ...i have very little pressure release and maybe should focus on that. My simmering anger has been i have few people to share with and so many offer IMO hollow or ridiculous ideas ......that Anyone with half a brain would have already tried. I really feel it is NOT a matter of ignorance on spouse part as he was always good in that aspect ...... funny thing happened when we were first together a girl he previously dated told me how lucky i was cause he was good in bed....... if only i knew it had a time limit to being all gone... and ZERO effort to change... I no longer have to worry about any fumbling attempts he can not participate at ALL. it is this disconnect...... that seems ODD to me he used to notice... or maybe not he seems to always treat me like i would never even consider anything else..bit of an ego problem on his part.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 20, 2023 1:50:56 GMT -5
mirrororchid no i was not doing items to get a response from him .... it is this disconnect...... that seems ODD to me he used to notice... or maybe not he seems to always treat me like i would never even consider anything else..bit of an ego problem on his part. I dyed my hair red once he didn't notice for five days and even then it was me pointing it out. I asked him if he ever looked at me. It was the beginning of me truly learning the situation I was in. My husband quite literally quit looking at me. From there I learned that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It was really tough on me but I have come to appreciate the honesty. It never improved my sex life but at least I knew what I was dealing with. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 20, 2023 3:42:49 GMT -5
From a male perspective I think #1 came into play following menopause. Her comfort zone narrowed considerably as did her respect for me. She no longer viewed me as an 'Alpha" male. The quarterly sex I got would be announced by informing me that she was "in the mood". And like Pavloff's dogs I would salivate immediately and quickly pop a boner. But eventually I saw the disrespect in it. It was all about control. I finally ignored her expectation that I would "perform" upon command and I think it was at that point things really started to go south.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 21, 2023 15:52:14 GMT -5
mirrororchid no i was not doing items to get a response from him .... it is this disconnect...... that seems ODD to me he used to notice... or maybe not he seems to always treat me like i would never even consider anything else..bit of an ego problem on his part. I dyed my hair red once he didn't notice for five days and even then it was me pointing it out. I asked him if he ever looked at me. It was the beginning of me truly learning the situation I was in. My husband quite literally quit looking at me. From there I learned that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It was really tough on me but I have come to appreciate the honesty. It never improved my sex life but at least I knew what I was dealing with. So funny! I also once dyed my hair a fetching shade of auburn and my ex-H did not notice for five days. And I do not mean he was politely avoiding the topic of a dodgy ‘do, he really didn’t spot it. As with you, it hurt at the time to realise that he did not see me as a woman at all, and I similarly assumed it was because he was not attracted to me anymore. (It now annoys me that my thinking at that point in time assumed the worst of myself and didn’t just think he was a total dick- but that’s life in a SM.) I am now over four years out and a lot of healing has happened. I can now see that it was more about H sliding into a situation where I was more his carer/parent than W. He has been very clear post split that he never lost his attraction to me- when he thought about it, which was virtually never. |
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Post by toughtiger on Aug 21, 2023 21:14:32 GMT -5
Just like both isthisit and sweetplumeria ...... that is funny but also not funny because it represents the complete pain knowing they could care less yes i have dyed my hair/ cut my hair etc and .............literally he never notices unless someone ( our daughter) asks him "hey do you like what she did is that color good? " I saw he mirrored her response if he thought she liked he was act positive and when she said "it was too dark for my complexion" he then said "OH yeah i thought that too..." my daughter and I had him change his mind 3 times just because we could ...... It showed a complete lack of any real idea or opinion on it. The kicker is always his insistence our NO SEX life was a medical problem NOT that he is not attracted etc .... how stupid does he think i am |
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 27, 2023 20:26:50 GMT -5
angeleyes65 said I would contend the two options are not mutually exclusive. My bet is on he didn't notice because he didn't care.
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