Post by greatcoastal on Jul 2, 2023 10:46:47 GMT -5
I Left A Sexless Marriage: Guest Post
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten (Dr. Psych Mom)
Today we have an anonymous guest post from a reader who wanted to share her experience of being in a sexless marriage, after reading my other posts on this topic. If this post resonates with you, leave her some support in the comments. I love the ending! And read The Sex Starved Wife if this is your situation but you don’t want to leave your marriage.
I met my first husband in high school, and we dated for a few years into college. One of the things that was important to both of us starting out was that we both believed in waiting until marriage to have sex. This was hammered into us by both sets of our parents, so while I was fine with practicing this in high school, when I was in college, it wasn’t as important for me to follow. However, he wanted to wait, and it was something he believed strongly in, so we waited until we were married. I was 23, and he was 24.
When the wedding night came, you would think he would be so excited to finally do it that it would be short yet awesome. However…he couldn’t perform physically. Without going into all the details, he just couldn’t DO it. I thought, maybe it’s a lot of pressure on him, to wait for years, and then all of a sudden be expected to perform. I’ll give him some time. And then the time turned into days…then months…and then years. He could never perform. We tried different things early on…different positions, me wearing lingerie, etc…but nothing worked. We also went long stretches between trying, like 5 or 6 months, and this didn’t bother him.
If I could put into words how lonely and rejected and alone I felt for years going through this, I would. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to confide in anyone. And it wasn’t just sex, it was a real lack of physical attention all around. And as for him? He refused to seek help or talk to anyone. When I would bring it up to him about confiding in a friend or going to a doctor, or just trying to figure out WHY things were this way, he would either shut down and not talk about it, or laugh at me for making ‘too big a deal out of it’. It was very painful for me.
Yet, I stayed. I know what you’re thinking…why did she stay? Because I come from a very Catholic family and I thought they would disown me if I tried to get a divorce. Also, back to that embarrassment and shame thing. How could I tell anyone about this?
We ended up having a daughter with the help of a doctor. During those years, off and on(and we were married a total of 9 years); when I thought about leaving, I would change my own mind. Tell myself it’s not a big deal if I was never intimate with my husband. That I wasn’t missing out on much. And yet I HATED it when I would hear other women complain about their husbands wanting too much sex from them. How I wished, wanted, and yearned for a husband to want me that way. I knew I would never have it staying in that marriage.
So I started seeing a therapist, and talking to her was what I needed to find the strength within myself to get a divorce. I confided in my parents, and a few close friends. One big thing I had to work out in therapy was that I took it so personally that my husband didn’t/couldn’t/whatever the reason was, be intimate with me. I truly thought that if I were prettier/hotter/thinner, it would have made a difference. But I eventually had to accept that it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was him. I left that marriage still not knowing the reason why he was the way he was. And I also questioned if he knew this about himself all along, yet married me without telling me the truth.
I am now married again and have found more happiness then I ever would have thought I could with my new husband. Physical intimacy is so important in marriage! Obviously every marriage is different, and I could never tell all women to leave a marriage due to lack of intimacy, because they may have other great things in their marriage that they want to hold on to. But my final decision to leave was by me coming to the conclusion that if my daughter came to me someday, and was in the same situation I had been, and asked me what to do, I would tell her to leave. Our lives are so short, and we deserve to have someone to love and cherish us.
_______
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten (Dr. Psych Mom)
Today we have an anonymous guest post from a reader who wanted to share her experience of being in a sexless marriage, after reading my other posts on this topic. If this post resonates with you, leave her some support in the comments. I love the ending! And read The Sex Starved Wife if this is your situation but you don’t want to leave your marriage.
I met my first husband in high school, and we dated for a few years into college. One of the things that was important to both of us starting out was that we both believed in waiting until marriage to have sex. This was hammered into us by both sets of our parents, so while I was fine with practicing this in high school, when I was in college, it wasn’t as important for me to follow. However, he wanted to wait, and it was something he believed strongly in, so we waited until we were married. I was 23, and he was 24.
When the wedding night came, you would think he would be so excited to finally do it that it would be short yet awesome. However…he couldn’t perform physically. Without going into all the details, he just couldn’t DO it. I thought, maybe it’s a lot of pressure on him, to wait for years, and then all of a sudden be expected to perform. I’ll give him some time. And then the time turned into days…then months…and then years. He could never perform. We tried different things early on…different positions, me wearing lingerie, etc…but nothing worked. We also went long stretches between trying, like 5 or 6 months, and this didn’t bother him.
If I could put into words how lonely and rejected and alone I felt for years going through this, I would. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to confide in anyone. And it wasn’t just sex, it was a real lack of physical attention all around. And as for him? He refused to seek help or talk to anyone. When I would bring it up to him about confiding in a friend or going to a doctor, or just trying to figure out WHY things were this way, he would either shut down and not talk about it, or laugh at me for making ‘too big a deal out of it’. It was very painful for me.
Yet, I stayed. I know what you’re thinking…why did she stay? Because I come from a very Catholic family and I thought they would disown me if I tried to get a divorce. Also, back to that embarrassment and shame thing. How could I tell anyone about this?
We ended up having a daughter with the help of a doctor. During those years, off and on(and we were married a total of 9 years); when I thought about leaving, I would change my own mind. Tell myself it’s not a big deal if I was never intimate with my husband. That I wasn’t missing out on much. And yet I HATED it when I would hear other women complain about their husbands wanting too much sex from them. How I wished, wanted, and yearned for a husband to want me that way. I knew I would never have it staying in that marriage.
So I started seeing a therapist, and talking to her was what I needed to find the strength within myself to get a divorce. I confided in my parents, and a few close friends. One big thing I had to work out in therapy was that I took it so personally that my husband didn’t/couldn’t/whatever the reason was, be intimate with me. I truly thought that if I were prettier/hotter/thinner, it would have made a difference. But I eventually had to accept that it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was him. I left that marriage still not knowing the reason why he was the way he was. And I also questioned if he knew this about himself all along, yet married me without telling me the truth.
I am now married again and have found more happiness then I ever would have thought I could with my new husband. Physical intimacy is so important in marriage! Obviously every marriage is different, and I could never tell all women to leave a marriage due to lack of intimacy, because they may have other great things in their marriage that they want to hold on to. But my final decision to leave was by me coming to the conclusion that if my daughter came to me someday, and was in the same situation I had been, and asked me what to do, I would tell her to leave. Our lives are so short, and we deserve to have someone to love and cherish us.
_______
