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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 8, 2023 5:21:16 GMT -5
It sounds dull, sure. Why do you have to be around for that?
Curious. When she did have a bedroom, did she stay there and avoid everyone? When they're watchin' the telly, who picks what's on? Is she watching her phone and he's watching the TV? My departed daughter used to call that "being alone together". She thought it was a good thing.
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eliz75
Junior Member
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Post by eliz75 on Jun 8, 2023 10:19:49 GMT -5
It sounds dull, sure. Why do you have to be around for that? Curious. When she did have a bedroom, did she stay there and avoid everyone? When they're watchin' the telly, who picks what's on? Is she watching her phone and he's watching the TV? My departed daughter used to call that "being alone together". She thought it was a good thing. The girls, including my daughter all stayed in one room. My daughter had to share her bedroom even though she lived here. They would just lay around in the bedroom most of the day or come out on the couch and lay around there. She will sometimes be on her phone when they "watch" tv. It' usually he has something on and she will go in there and sit. Since I go to my bedroom because I can't stand the sight of her, she isn't finding it neccessary to sit with him. It's all just to get space between her dad and I. Of course I'm angry which causes space for days. Honestly I wish I had waited to marry him until all our separate kids were grown and not had a child with him at all. Don't get me wrong I love our daughter but life like this isn't fair for her. She knows his daughters do not really care about her. One day she will tell her dad how she really feels about how they treat her and I fear he will just side with them and tell her to basically suck it up like he does me.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 9, 2023 4:56:13 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm circling back to the mother-daughter road trip. Your daughter hates your husband's daughters' visits, you hate them, he wants them. You don't recognize a purpose to witnessing people watching TV together, kind of. Perhaps ask what function you serve, because it's escaping both of us. Maybe he needs some big boy pants. If he has something special in mind, you can schedule around it, but staying home, getting resentful should not be of interest to him. If you're not around to drive a wedge between the two of you, might that not undermine some of the less wholesome reasons for their visit? I'd also have to ask about the optics on this. The daughters' clearly irk you. Cleaning the sleeping gear out was an overt act of rejection, easily (mis)interpreted as hostility. You are possibly perceived by the daughter(s) and maybe your husband as being at war. If intentional, it works for the daughter(s). They've got you upset, they're grinding away at your soul. You are doing the same to them, but who's got teh long game here? Who's inflicting the damage? What are thy losing by fighting you? I'm not sure. Meanwhile your anger with your husband is letting them achieve the goal of making your marriage less stable. Perhaps they think that'll be enough, so that's the game they'll keep playing. My concern here is that you're wrestling with pigs. You're engaging in a fight with teenagers (older ones, but teens all the same). As an adult, from an outside perspective, if you win, it's expected, or maybe bullying. If you lose, it's pathetic. If the fight escalates to insanity, teenagers are far more forgiven than adults. Your anger with his daughters does not serve a clear purpose to my eyes. You're clearly frustrated with the results and I suspect they think that helps them. Perhaps they "win" if you're off on a glamping trip with your daughter for the weekend, or sightseeing at a town you've never been to when they visit? So what? You enjoy it! You bond with your daughter, you come home with interesting stories to tell your husband, maybe with cinnamon almonds from a roadside stand you stopped at. You ask how the visit went and prepare to console him vigorously. Back/neck rub to get the tension out that his daughters put there. You become the relief after his self-inflicted ordeal. Meanwhile, be ready to pounce on any reconciliation because I have concerns his daughters have internalized his wife's enmity. Without you there, just dumping on him or ignoring him may have him reconsidering the value they bring by dropping by. He may insist on better behavior if the visits are to continue. What that behavior is, is for him to decide. The daughters having their dad's love and happiness is a preferable outcome whether they know it or not. It may not be the outcome they'd prefer (reunification with their mom? abandonment of you?) but a permanently stressed, morose dad is a pretty poor prize.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 9, 2023 12:48:50 GMT -5
You asked someone why they thought he might be cheating. The missing viagra pills might be a hint. You might want to look at this post: iliasm.org/thread/2487/new-situation-countsSpoiler alert, her husband at the time turned out to not only be gay, not only a sex addict, but lived a double life. One as the head of a Catholic school and family man, the other trolling Grindr and Craigslist ads for prostate massages. Now, I'm not even remotely suggesting that this could be your husband. I don't know nearly enough about your situation to guess. My point in this is that the missing ED pills, complete lack of interest, attempts to control your behavior (jeep club, denying request for separate bedrooms, etc...) indicate that more may going on here than you think. It is EXTREMELY common for people in a sexless marriage shithole to ignore red flags and overlook repeated behavior. I'd encourage you to re-read your initial post. Perhaps share it with a friend (in real life). See what their take is. You will likely find you're not the crazy one...just thoroughly gaslit.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 9, 2023 12:52:56 GMT -5
Well, I certainly didn't expect that. Me either. He has always been so attached to his phone. He wasn't angry, just here. Didn't ask why nothing. So either there is nothing there or it's hidden really well. IDK. Or he's got a burner. If cheating, you'll want to have your "clean" phone and a burner that you use for your other activities. Hell, there have been a number of threads on this forum on how to cheat. Burner phone is usually listed in the top 3 things you should do. Ive never cheated but this is common sense to me, and you asking for his phone and him handing it over so readily would be exactly what he'd want. In short, handing over the phone doesn't prove anything one way or another.
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on Jun 9, 2023 13:39:02 GMT -5
Yeah, I'm circling back to the mother-daughter road trip. Your daughter hates your husband's daughters' visits, you hate them, he wants them. You don't recognize a purpose to witnessing people watching TV together, kind of. Perhaps ask what function you serve, because it's escaping both of us. Maybe he needs some big boy pants. If he has something special in mind, you can schedule around it, but staying home, getting resentful should not be of interest to him. If you're not around to drive a wedge between the two of you, might that not undermine some of the less wholesome reasons for their visit? I'd also have to ask about the optics on this. The daughters' clearly irk you. Cleaning the sleeping gear out was an overt act of rejection, easily (mis)interpreted as hostility. You are possibly perceived by the daughter(s) and maybe your husband as being at war. If intentional, it works for the daughter(s). They've got you upset, they're grinding away at your soul. You are doing the same to them, but who's got teh long game here? Who's inflicting the damage? What are thy losing by fighting you? I'm not sure. Meanwhile your anger with your husband is letting them achieve the goal of making your marriage less stable. Perhaps they think that'll be enough, so that's the game they'll keep playing. My concern here is that you're wrestling with pigs. You're engaging in a fight with teenagers (older ones, but teens all the same). As an adult, from an outside perspective, if you win, it's expected, or maybe bullying. If you lose, it's pathetic. If the fight escalates to insanity, teenagers are far more forgiven than adults. Your anger with his daughters does not serve a clear purpose to my eyes. You're clearly frustrated with the results and I suspect they think that helps them. Perhaps they "win" if you're off on a glamping trip with your daughter for the weekend, or sightseeing at a town you've never been to when they visit? So what? You enjoy it! You bond with your daughter, you come home with interesting stories to tell your husband, maybe with cinnamon almonds from a roadside stand you stopped at. You ask how the visit went and prepare to console him vigorously. Back/neck rub to get the tension out that his daughters put there. You become the relief after his self-inflicted ordeal. Meanwhile, be ready to pounce on any reconciliation because I have concerns his daughters have internalized his wife's enmity. Without you there, just dumping on him or ignoring him may have him reconsidering the value they bring by dropping by. He may insist on better behavior if the visits are to continue. What that behavior is, is for him to decide. The daughters having their dad's love and happiness is a preferable outcome whether they know it or not. It may not be the outcome they'd prefer (reunification with their mom? abandonment of you?) but a permanently stressed, morose dad is a pretty poor prize. Cleaning out the room of the beds, was taking space back in a house that I needed. One is almost 20 and the other is almost 18. I took all their crap out about 2 years ago. They had told their dad they were grown and that he couldn't make them do anything. So I took the space for my office/craft room. I work from home permanently and I was having to do my work in the kitchen at my table. They would show up a few times a year, that doesn't warrant space in my book. So my oldest daughter moved into my son's old room after he forced my adult son at 20 to move out. He is still on the property but not in the house. He is now harping on my just turned 18 year old to get a job and move out. She has been trying to get a job for over a year now. If I had the money to take trips when his oldest texts him she's coming over "this weekend". I would do so. And to be honest, I don't even find out until friday, she shows saturday or sunday. He purposely doesn't tell me. They don't care if their dad is happy as long as they can create drama. They are exactly like their mother on that front. His oldest was overheard telling the younger one when they were pre-teens, she wanted her mom and dad back together because then she could do "anything she wanted". Here in this house, there are rules for children and his kids thought they never had to follow them. He would allow them to not follow them because his oldest would just call her mother and "tattle" and her mother would "get it straight" with her dad. I really feel like our marriage lost the war. He wouldn't stand up to these brats and they just have picked away at our relationship, now it's exploded. If I wasn't here, they'd be happy because they could convince him to buy them X, go out to eat at expensive places, and give them money. I'm sure he still gives to them in secret. We can't afford to eat out all the time and give to them because we are a two working household. It doesn't matter they always seem to get whatever it is they want. Meanwhile I've had to tell my well-behaved, well-mannered children no because I had no money. I mean to new shoes, new clothes, a new toy. They are grown now but my 9 year old still reguarly gets told no. She is spoiled because I get pissed, she's always told no, so I find ways to get her stuff. Not great parenting, I know.
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eliz75
Junior Member
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Post by eliz75 on Jun 9, 2023 13:50:40 GMT -5
You asked someone why they thought he might be cheating. The missing viagra pills might be a hint. You might want to look at this post: iliasm.org/thread/2487/new-situation-countsSpoiler alert, her husband at the time turned out to not only be gay, not only a sex addict, but lived a double life. One as the head of a Catholic school and family man, the other trolling Grindr and Craigslist ads for prostate massages. Now, I'm not even remotely suggesting that this could be your husband. I don't know nearly enough about your situation to guess. My point in this is that the missing ED pills, complete lack of interest, attempts to control your behavior (jeep club, denying request for separate bedrooms, etc...) indicate that more may going on here than you think. It is EXTREMELY common for people in a sexless marriage shithole to ignore red flags and overlook repeated behavior. I'd encourage you to re-read your initial post. Perhaps share it with a friend (in real life). See what their take is. You will likely find you're not the crazy one...just thoroughly gaslit. Unfortunately I don't have many friends in real life. One is in a abusive marriage and lives in another country. One is in a sexless marriage with a special needs child and is states away. The other is a much older women who never married and is raising her grandchildren bc her child is a drug addict. I have heard to leave from the one never married. The one in another state is putting up with numerous issues with her H and is staying for financial stability. The one with the special needs child has basically become and aquaitance. The one I share my experience with this is a male that I have known since my middle daughter was 3 years old. But my husband doesn't want me speaking to him. He says we have talked inappropriately but won't admit that he obviously went through my phone. It's sad that I even still care about this man. I guess I just take more than I ever get. We leave in a week for a weeks vacation camping out with our 9 year old for a jeep event. He will act husbandly there in front of people. He knows there is no expectation of sex because there is 3 of us in a tiny camper with no privacy.
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eliz75
Junior Member
Posts: 24
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Post by eliz75 on Jun 9, 2023 13:52:29 GMT -5
Me either. He has always been so attached to his phone. He wasn't angry, just here. Didn't ask why nothing. So either there is nothing there or it's hidden really well. IDK. Or he's got a burner. If cheating, you'll want to have your "clean" phone and a burner that you use for your other activities. Hell, there have been a number of threads on this forum on how to cheat. Burner phone is usually listed in the top 3 things you should do. Ive never cheated but this is common sense to me, and you asking for his phone and him handing it over so readily would be exactly what he'd want. In short, handing over the phone doesn't prove anything one way or another. His Ipad is locked. I don't know the code. He has given it to our 9 year old before to play on but he has a 2nd one that he swears his employer bought that stays in his truck. What's weird about that is no one else has one in the company that does what he does.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 9, 2023 19:32:02 GMT -5
Me either. He has always been so attached to his phone. He wasn't angry, just here. Didn't ask why nothing. So either there is nothing there or it's hidden really well. IDK. Or he's got a burner. If cheating, you'll want to have your "clean" phone and a burner that you use for your other activities. Hell, there have been a number of threads on this forum on how to cheat. Burner phone is usually listed in the top 3 things you should do. Ive never cheated but this is common sense to me, and you asking for his phone and him handing it over so readily would be exactly what he'd want. In short, handing over the phone doesn't prove anything one way or another. Burner phone. One of my coworkers led a double life. He had a separate phone that never left work. He checked in when he was there, and only when he was there, and it shared no accounts. There was really no easy way to connect his two lives together. One can have an account and delete and install an app as needed, although there's a history record. That would be hard to find for someone just looking for text messages or dating app icons.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 14, 2023 6:25:28 GMT -5
Cleaning out the room of the beds, was taking space back in a house that I needed. One is almost 20 and the other is almost 18. I took all their crap out about 2 years ago. They had told their dad they were grown and that he couldn't make them do anything. So I took the space for my office/craft room. I work from home permanently and I was having to do my work in the kitchen at my table. They would show up a few times a year, that doesn't warrant space in my book. So my oldest daughter moved into my son's old room after he forced my adult son at 20 to move out. He is still on the property but not in the house. He is now harping on my just turned 18 year old to get a job and move out. She has been trying to get a job for over a year now. If I had the money to take trips when his oldest texts him she's coming over "this weekend". I would do so. And to be honest, I don't even find out until friday, she shows Saturday or Sunday. He purposely doesn't tell me. They don't care if their dad is happy as long as they can create drama. They are exactly like their mother on that front. His oldest was overheard telling the younger one when they were pre-teens, she wanted her mom and dad back together because then she could do "anything she wanted". Here in this house, there are rules for children and his kids thought they never had to follow them. He would allow them to not follow them because his oldest would just call her mother and "tattle" and her mother would "get it straight" with her dad. I really feel like our marriage lost the war. He wouldn't stand up to these brats and they just have picked away at our relationship, now it's exploded. If I wasn't here, they'd be happy because they could convince him to buy them X, go out to eat at expensive places, and give them money. I'm sure he still gives to them in secret. We can't afford to eat out all the time and give to them because we are a two working household. It doesn't matter they always seem to get whatever it is they want. Meanwhile I've had to tell my well-behaved, well-mannered children no because I had no money. I mean to new shoes, new clothes, a new toy. They are grown now but my 9 year old still regularly gets told no. She is spoiled because I get pissed, she's always told no, so I find ways to get her stuff. Not great parenting, I know. Office space for working from home is a big reason. Sounds like there wasn't as whole lot of pushback, but maybe there was. You do make it sound like there's gross favoritism going on with his kids over yours. Sorry to hear about the 18 year old's struggle getting employment. I'm guessing a joint bank account? It might hurt more to give money away if it's exclusively his. Or maybe divert $50 a month to a second account for those getaways and new shoes? A necessities account? Sure there's no money for such frivolities, but perhaps you can set it aside, spend it all, and have receipts ready and ready to ask, "Which thing should I not have done?" Make him second guess buying shoes. Not that it's important, but his son lives, where? A pool house? Teh no-notice thing is a bit disrespectful. He assumes you have no plans? Maybe he'll need to be surprised one day. Okay, an overnight road trip may bump costs due to a hotel room. Maybe there's something worth doing within a two hour drive? Are their state parks or beaches that cost nothing or very little? The escape is the whole point, not a splurge. If only to see if it improves the mood of the house the next week. Is he hoping you'll file for divorce, so he wants you around so his daughters can be the sand in your marriage's gears, cuz he doesn't want to directly express discontent? Could the camping trip be an opportunity to model the kind of family he won't have with his older daughters? Sure, the no-sex thing sux. But a non-stress weekend might be a way to make that whole "reunite mom and dad" trope far less worthy of entertainment? Other than sex, and favoritism of only his kids, any other irritants going on? Maybe you just want a good vent. This is a good place for it. When I read pain, I want it stopped, but sometimes brainstorming isn't what's wanted, and for that I apologize, if I've pressed too much.
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