I had a friend online for many years. The relationship was very intense and hugly sexual. We met, finally, a few years ago and it was a disaster. She accused me of being cold and remote and that was that. Anyhow, tempus fugits and then there was covid. I often think of her and wonder if she and her family survived covid. She lived ( still lives?) in Maine so it is not like I can pop over. I am tempted to send an email asking how she us. Plus apologise for my car crash meeting. She would probably delete it unread. Is this a good idea or should I leave the past well alone?
There is no intent to resume online sex. It is just an itch to know she is okay, we were friends as well as the cyber. Yes, I think in hindsight I was remote. I could not square the person I met with the fantasy person I knew online. Plus I had a weird feeling we were being followed. But after much thinking, if she cared any more she would have contacted me. He silence is the key to my answer. Leave the past to bury the past.
Post by deadzone75 on May 30, 2023 10:51:14 GMT -5
Pass. She gave you the finger, so unless you want another in the form of silence, I would opt out of that idea. I actually did something very similar long ago. I sent a follow-up "how are you" email to someone and received dead air. I think that was worse than a "fuck you".
I am going to buck the trend a little here and say reach out to this lady. It is so easy to make negative assumptions, how can you know that she has not missed your friendship as much as you have?
I too had an online friend I had grown very close to, and then after about a year he vanished abruptly which was pretty painful for me. I assumed our friendship had not meant to him what I thought it had, and was less important to him than it was to me. I was upset also because I felt that I knew his character and his values, and the man I thought I knew just would not behave that way. I came to terms with it, but it always troubled me that I had got him so wrong.
Close to three years later I received an email from him. Contrary to my assumptions, he had thought of me every day since we had last had contact and missed me for everyone of them. He felt horrible but with each day that passed it got that bit harder to reach out to me. He missed my company, my friendship and my support. He explained his very challenging situation which provoked the vanishing act, but acknowledged it was no excuse for his behaviour. He wanted to apologise and ask if there was any possibility of regaining even a part of the friendship we had had, whilst also acknowledging that I would be very unlikely to read his email, let alone reply.
I could not describe to you the shock of receiving that email and the information. (I was actually hospitalised with covid pneumonia and checked my SpO2 to see if I was deteriorating.) It is so easy to assume the negative. I can be extremely unforgiving towards people who hurt me, but this man is very special to me and I replied immediately thanking him for his courage and reassuring him that I had missed him too. He promised me that he would not depart that way again, and I have trust in his word. Our chemistry had not changed at all and we quickly returned to the fun and friendship. So, it is possible lessingham you will never know unless you try.
Last Edit: Jun 4, 2023 18:26:54 GMT -5 by isthisit
isthisit I agree with your stance on this thread. We took often misguess people's intentions, even the intentions of our friends. Sometimes people get bored and move on, sometimes life erects a barrier. I have one friend I lost contact with until I received an email from her husband detailing her illness and hospice care. I had assumed she had gotten bored with our friendship. I wish that was the case.
So yes lessingham should send a brief note to attempt to reestablish the friendship. The relationship can have new boundaries as needed to continue.
Life is too short and too complex, we need our friends whether online or in person.
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
Really, Lessingham, don't over think this. What's the worst thing that could happen? It's probably she doesn't reply.
This is exactly what I think too. Hope for the best but expect the worst. If you don't try to reconnect there is no telling how long this will nag at you.
Many things like this I look at this way, you will never get what you don't ask for! Plus, you will be no worse off for asking. The worst thing that could happen is silence or rejection in which case you will have to just move on.