“women seemed to be turned off by "emotional vomiting" your needs at them. They just perceive you as more needy and are less attracted to you"
I can definitely see how this could be true but without communication how are you supposed to express your feelings?
At some point a conversation needs to take place that one is not happy in the relationship and the reasons why.
I’ll be honest, I don’t think about / read about various techniques etc to approach this, everyone is different and I am just trying to resolve a situation I have found myself in, in ways I am comfortable with.
Deep down us refused know our partners don’t find us sexually desirable - and that hurts but it’s the truth. I think our partners married us for reasons not linked with physical attraction and probably thought it will be ok in the marriage or thought they would be able to build that attraction over time. I have no idea on the stats on this forum for men vs female but I strongly suspect men outweigh women considerably. Most men (not all) look at physical attraction first before anything but I think women marry for lots of different reasons and attraction could well be lower down the priority list.
DSO at DadStartingOver.com echoes Tesseract and Daddeo.
To abbreviate their message even more:
How do you "express your feelings"?
You don't.
Not the negative, anyway.
You may bellow at the top of your voice when something went well at work or if you bowled a record game.
Perhaps your sports team won the pennant/cup/trophy.
Express/share every upbeat moment you have. Go nuts.
If you have a problem, suck it up. You can tell a good friend over a single beer if you have a drinkin' buddy. If you ain't got one, maybe get one.
He shall respond to your lamentations, nodding, "I hear ya." or "Been there." or if you're in Arlen, Texas...you each take turns saying "Yep."
Sad emotions show up as:Things your lady needs to worry about: Fuck that. She's worried enough as it is. Now you want to
add shit? I knew my life was getting too safe, stable, and dull.
Complaints about her: Sorry. I know I suck. I hate me too. I'll just hide from you now and unconsciously blame you for part of my self-loathing, unconscious that I feel less safe.
Um... Other things I can't think of at the moment.
DSO has said if your wife/girlfriend has bought into the whimsical fairy tale that hearing a man be "vulnerable" is somehow a bonding experience, you can tell her: "Bad thing A happened, then B on top of that, and I'm nervous, but I've got plans to take care of it, and contingency plans if nothign works the way I think it will. Thanks for listenin'. I feel better."
No fear expressed. Nothing she needs to do or think about. That's just her man, slayin' the dragon again. It's just a bigger dragon this time. He's got this. And she was there for you when you were mildly troubled. Atta girl.
We're not there to share life's ups and downs with our women. Just both our ups and her downs.
That's DSO's view of traditional couple dynamics.
A braver world may lie ahead, but if you stray from the script, it may be disturbing to women who have had these role models as fathers, teachers, bosses, etc.
Fear, sadness, anxiety, nerves, despair, ennui, boredom, lethargy? Stuff a sock in it. No one wants to know. Except that drinking buddy. Yeah, call him.
You may demonstrate such essence of humanity if you're watching a movie. That might work. You're empathic, but it has nothing to do with any fragility of
yours.
Go stream "Rudy" again.