Demisexuality

If y'all ever wanted a concise summary of what you would learn reading the ILIASM archive, have a read of what NSM wrote down below. 👇

The corollary, not as important but might be helpful regardless, is that just cause they don't like sex with you, doesn't mean they don't like sex.

Quoting you here Brother carpy - "My question for the group is: has anyone else had this experience? And has anyone every had any success in a choosing to stay situation where more dates, intimacy,sharing made any difference at all?"

Short answer is "no" and I've been a member of the old EP group and then this group since Feb 2009.

See, the thing is that it doesn't matter a rats arse whether she is demisexual or not.
The fact is that anyway you look at it, YOU are disenfranchised in this relationship and "why" this is so isn't greatly important.
Any "why" is pretty much as good as another.
It will bring the sexual aspect of the union to a screeching halt.

Suggestion
Stop "why chasing" as it is a road to nowhere.
Stop taking your missus' inventory as in these situations it doesn't matter one iota whose fault it is that has brought this situation about.

It may well be the time to direct your focus off your missus and your past and concentrate on you and your future.

Sorry that you are in this situation Brother carpy .

Ditto this.
The difference was I didn't say I wanted a FWB. I started dating to find out whether there would be any takers.
My long story long is elsewhere on site, but the upshot is that there were interested women. I had "game". I would have a sex life and I told my wife I'd be having sex in two months. "I hope it's with you. But it won't be with nobody."

She reset in November 2019 and we're only slightly less zesty since, clocking in about once every three weeks. Pretty tepid, but on fire compared with where we'd been. Plus, importantly, she initiates and engages when we do get together. No starfish get-it-over-with BS.

I'd decided at the time to do all those wonderful couple things for her, and sleep with someone else's similarly neglected wife. Give my wife everything she wanted from marriage, and get the last part from someone who also wanted intimate touch. My wife chose to be my lover instead. 

blunder8 is having a similar experience, four months in. Crossing my fingers for him so hard my index and middle finger are at 180 degrees

Perhaps critical is that Mrs. MirrorOrchid (and maybe Mrs. Blunder8) recognized that asexual marriage is nothing any wife should expect. It's abnormal and it should be unsurprising if it is unstable. My wife was sometimes clearly frustrated with herself for not finding her sensual self. My dating forced the issue. Delays and introspection were over. There was a deadline.

What may also have been important was that my wife was seeing a therapist. She shared my (at the moment non-sexual) dating with her therapist and she/they? invited me to the session where I explained my intent to the therapist in front of my wife, unapologetically. The therapist may have told her that many men would just have the affair and she had a shot at stopping it, if I was worth keeping. Maybe she explained sympathetically men will make sex a deal breaker and that's why affairs happen? I wasn't there.

I go over this because some wives will make your refusal of celibacy a deal breaker. I find this reassuring because the reason for divorce will be refusal to have sex with your spouse. While cheating is condemned, how do you defend forsaking your spouse and insisting on being two people, instead of "one flesh". 

If you wish to get a FWB and stay married, our friend baza will surely warn you to have legal repercussions ready. Getting an FWB may also alter your divorce settlement. Adultery can produce outsized division of property, so divorce makes far more sense in that case unless, perhaps, you wrote up a post-nup (which may or may not stick with whatever judge you get). You'll also want to mentally prepare if the wife files for divorce because you refuse to continue living your life platonically.

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Now then, your specifics:

A demisexual experiences physical attraction after emotional bonding. Your wife does not feel physical attraction. She is not demisexual. She's missing fully half of the label. She takes comfort in this archetype. But it doesn't fit her description. She gets 50% of it, an "F". She absolutely sucks at demisexuality. She's bullshitting. You, and maybe herself. But as Baza said, does it matter? 

She felt attacked, by the therapist. Perhaps you stopped going after that. The therapist agreed sex is normal and perhaps critical to marriage. That wasn't the result she expected or wanted. How did she not see the possibility? Fuck knows. But again, does it matter?

Now the good news. She gives a shit when you start to build your life without her (hobbies and activities). Furthermore, you have the tools needed to unlock sexuality. It's kind of crap sexuality (5 minute missionary), but it's a better sign than a lot of guys get here from their wives. It's a toehold.

Thing is, five minute quickies don't seem to me like a "demisexual" thing. Was she having deep emotional connection to you which triggered uncontrollable animal lust, but not a slow, blossoming, foreplay-intense half hour to an hour immersive lovemaking session? Never? Maybe this is common with demisexuals? (Anybody hear of this?)
Does she get no emotional closeness from nuzzling of the neck? Stroking at the hip and thigh? Kisses that last 15 second or more? It's surely not what I envision of "demisexuality". Does she so thoroughly separate romantic gestures with carnality? Does she find sex ruins romance, perhaps? Is giving of orgasms a selfish animal thing and never a gift of love on a par with flowers or chocolates? (Wait.... does she have orgasms?)

You say the droughts last weeks or months. Plural. She can go two weeks (low sex drive, but not sexless) or two months (technically sexless). Getting some expectations in line may be important here. Mrs. MirrorOrchid engages once every three weeks, but when she does, it's excellent. If you're twice a month, you may not do much better and focusing on quality may be a better goal to focus on.

If I were you? I'd be scheduling my activities and hobbies around regular weekly meetings or classes or whatever it takes to have them available whenever you want. They meet weekly, but you can go every other, or two in a row if that suits your purpose. The point is, you can be busy two weeks straight, or not at all.

Been a while? Make absence make her heart grow fonder. You've seen that it works. So use it on purpose. When she wants the five minute hookup, switch over to whatever physically intimate experience you want. She wants to rush? Stop. You're demisexual, even if she isn't. You want to feel close before the climax. It's rushed. You aren't getting what you need. Try again later when she's interested in bonding rather than rutting. You'd prefer it be for both of you and it feels too much like being serviced, rather than loved. (you can word it better than that)

Caveat emptor, this is the mindset of a manipulative, conflict averse former co-dependent. You may prefer a more direct line of communication. It could be faster and more efficient, as well as a richer opportunity for dignity.

Of special interest to you might be Dr. Psych Mom. She speaks of the critical nature of working on sexual interaction at the same time as emotional bonding. (a demisexual should find this completely sensible). www.drpsychmom.com/2022/01/28/sex-needs-to-be-worked-on-at-the-same-time-as-emotion-for-couples-counseling-to-work/

You've done what she asked, but the goalposts move?
Jenga Sex
redcircle.com/shows/refused/ep/65e78cf5-4f0c-44cc-b776-e7d03654c4b6

This post should also back up your frustrated expectation that the effort seems one sided:
iliasm.org/thread/5954/fix-first

Wow, this has indeed been a masterclass on SM. Thanks to all for your thoughtful and detailed takes. I guess I knew going in what the answer would be having read through this forum for several years now. I have always been a hopeful guy, and as a small business owner, there is always a solution to a problem. The client wants the job done differently, I do it differently and they are happy and I get paid. The same in most other areas of life-do better get better results ...
Not so in the SM I guess.
I am so happy this forum and all your sage advice exists.
Very helpful to hear " the why doesn't matter" it's really about how I want to live out the rest of my life I suppose.
Like Andy says to Red in Shawshank Redemption " either get busy living, or get busy dying"
So I'm choosing to stay, not willing to tear it all down. But moving forward with seeking a full and pleasurable life for me instead of pursuing something that will never materialize and (as I now know) never change.

I have to make this a very quick post. Short answer: I do NOT believe your wife!!

Demisexuals have to develop a relationship with someone prior to becoming sexually attracted to them. Your wife has had time to develop a relationship with you. Therefore, if she is not attracted to you, it is NOT because she is a demisexual. It sounds like she is attempting to hide behind the demisexual label to avoid having sex with you.

Your wife could be an asexual. Some asexual people have sex at times. (Like to get a ring on their finger!)

It is more likely that your wife is not attracted to you. Could be lots of reasons. It could very well be a situation you can not change. In other words, the problem is inside of her!

Back to demisexuals: Demisexuals can be great partners. Once they are attracted to someone, they can have a normal sex life. One of the biggest things to recommend them is that they will almost never cheat. Demisexuals typically do not enjoy dating because it is difficult for them. Therefore, they are less likely to divorce for frivolous reasons because are NOT interested in dating again.