|
|
Post by h on Mar 20, 2023 6:46:36 GMT -5
Things are looking better than in previous years. Not the marriage, but my prospect of leaving it. We're still nearly celibate. We just got our taxes done though, and her income is much higher with her new job. She didn't start it until late in the year so this year's numbers aren't good enough yet, but by this time next year I could be lawyer shopping. This year isn't quite enough because she's on my health insurance which also gets factored into the calculations, but between having a full year of her new income, and her job offering benefits for employees that choose to take them, it's looking like freedom is finally in sight.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Mar 21, 2023 6:41:12 GMT -5
Things are looking better than in previous years. Not the marriage, but my prospect of leaving it. We're still nearly celibate. We just got our taxes done though, and her income is much higher with her new job. She didn't start it until late in the year so this year's numbers aren't good enough yet, but by this time next year I could be lawyer shopping. This year isn't quite enough because she's on my health insurance which also gets factored into the calculations, but between having a full year of her new income, and her job offering benefits for employees that choose to take them, it's looking like freedom is finally in sight. Really great to hear. You are one of the people I bleed for most here. So, is that "full year" meaning Fall 2023? See the lawyer in August? Watch out for lifestyle creep! |
|
|
|
Post by h on Mar 26, 2023 12:59:23 GMT -5
Things are looking better than in previous years. Not the marriage, but my prospect of leaving it. We're still nearly celibate. We just got our taxes done though, and her income is much higher with her new job. She didn't start it until late in the year so this year's numbers aren't good enough yet, but by this time next year I could be lawyer shopping. This year isn't quite enough because she's on my health insurance which also gets factored into the calculations, but between having a full year of her new income, and her job offering benefits for employees that choose to take them, it's looking like freedom is finally in sight. Really great to hear. You are one of the people I bleed for most here. So, is that "full year" meaning Fall 2023? See the lawyer in August? Watch out for lifestyle creep! I was referring to full calendar year (2023). So I'll start making phone calls after the new year but I won't do anything overt until after we file this year's taxes next spring. The yearly income recorded on a tax return is the most concrete measure I can rest my decision on. With her current higher income, she has accepted responsibility for more of her own bills, paying a couple credit cards and paying her car payment. MY lifestyle doesn't creep but hers has a little. It's still a net win though because any additional spending she incurs comes out of HER income and still leaves me with more to pay down my bills. I'll have mine paid mostly off before a divorce. I know this is bad advice because debts are usually split also, but it fits my personal goals. I can use "taking on more of the debt" as a bargaining chip in place of other things. I have the discipline to pay off all the outstanding debts (aside from the mortgage) within a couple years. I can live on next to nothing and be content. The one thing that could speed up the timetable is the possibility of her getting a promotion. Her new company does have opportunities for advancement and she's making a good name for herself there. Her annual reviews are in July or August so I'm not getting my hopes up yet. Regardless, Spring 2024 I can get a lawyer. My employee union actually offers access to discount legal services. The law firm gets a small fee which comes from the union dues and gives all the members cheaper rates and some services (like 2hr free consultation, legal documents like POA, Health Care Proxy, and Will) at no out of pocket cost. Rates are capped at the lower of: $250/hr or 70% of the off the street fee. If the divorce is not contested, the total is capped at $1700 for the entire process. I can meet with others if I think I can do better, but those rates seem pretty good. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Mar 26, 2023 18:38:16 GMT -5
h, The divorce lawyer rates sound good to me!
|
|
|
|
Post by h on May 3, 2023 21:46:23 GMT -5
Big kick in the gut today and I'll likely be stuck for a long while more. Wife got a cancer diagnosis today so my exit plan is on hold indefinitely. Really a shitty day today. Also, her taking time off for this will cost her the promotion she's been promised for months and may even cost her the job entirely. Just when we were starting to get ahead, it all falls apart.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 4, 2023 0:06:05 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of this development Brother h . Best wishes to you both as you tackle this latest news. |
|
|
|
Post by blunder8 on May 4, 2023 8:57:29 GMT -5
So sorry to hear this h. Much strength to you both.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 4, 2023 11:33:08 GMT -5
H, I'm so sorry.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on May 4, 2023 12:10:00 GMT -5
h Sorry to hear about this development. Wishing you and your wife strength to get through. Feel free to come share anything you feel like sharing when you feel like sharing it. It might also make sense to seek out cancer family support communities and resources as well when you are feeling up for it. But you definitely have an audience here when you neeed it. Keep us psosted.
|
|
|
|
Post by catlover on May 4, 2023 12:55:59 GMT -5
Big kick in the gut today and I'll likely be stuck for a long while more. Wife got a cancer diagnosis today so my exit plan is on hold indefinitely. Really a shitty day today. Also, her taking time off for this will cost her the promotion she's been promised for months and may even cost her the job entirely. Just when we were starting to get ahead, it all falls apart. I feel very much for you brother. My wife has a rare, progressive, inherited and ultimately terminal disease. It would be unthinkable to up and go, She tries her best to be a "good wife" in all other depts,. I used to (still do sometimes) bear her a lot of resentment, till I realised (I'm probably not the most perceptive person out there) that I am angry with the disease and not her. I am her primary caregiver and obviously she relies on me heavily for anything that involves and physical strength whatsoever. It is heartbreaking to watch her slow decline and seeing her experience horrible neauropathic pain and horribly degrading and uncontrollable diarrhea. In my delusional younger years I used to imagine us growing old together and having naughty fun together. HaHa, kissed that dream goodbye. It is a tough cross to bear, make no mistake |
|
|
|
Post by h on May 5, 2023 7:05:53 GMT -5
She already went through cancer back when we were in college and just dating. I stayed with her, lived with her, and took care of her then and we got married after she was recovered and back to nearly full health. Her health back then had no influence on my decision to marry her.
I still want out today and I still have no romantic feelings for her anymore. Her current health issues haven't changed my desire to divorce, but only taken away my ability to afford it. They caught it very early and unintentionally when they were doing routine tests for other things. Given the small size of the mass, the easily accessible location, her generally healthy eating and overall condition, I have no doubt she will fully and quickly recover.
Even if she recovers quickly and completely, she still loses her promotion and the pay raise she was going to get because her boss won't risk having someone in an authority position who isn't totally focused on work. That's also assuming she keeps her job at all, depending on how much recovery time she needs. If she loses her job entirely, it could be another decade or more before she gets back to a point where she could live on her own, clawing her way back up the ladder at a new place. In that case it will be at least that long before I could afford to pay alimony since I will have to cut back on paying down my own debts to cover her bills that she couldn't pay.
Best case scenario is they let her keep her current job and after the medical issues are over, I can revisit the divorce in 2-3 years to make sure this new cancer is really gone. She's currently on my employer sponsored health insurance. Her job offers health insurance but they would take too much out of her paycheck for it to be worth taking unless she had gotten the promotion. This also will be something I will have to compensate her for in a divorce situation because the loss of my health insurance would be factored in as a reduction in her earnings, increasing our income discrepancy and therefore increasing my alimony payment.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on May 5, 2023 18:10:52 GMT -5
I'd "like" your posts in order to signal my support, H, but I do not like what's happening to you.
Feels inappropriate to click "Thumbs up"
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on May 5, 2023 23:05:39 GMT -5
h You come across very pragmatic. I think it will suit you well in a time like this. Don't lose sight of that. Give yourself some time and priority as well. Find some things you enjoy doing for you. That will give you some momentum. She already went through cancer back when we were in college and just dating. I stayed with her, lived with her, and took care of her then and we got married after she was recovered and back to nearly full health. Her health back then had no influence on my decision to marry her. I still want out today and I still have no romantic feelings for her anymore. Her current health issues haven't changed my desire to divorce, but only taken away my ability to afford it. They caught it very early and unintentionally when they were doing routine tests for other things. Given the small size of the mass, the easily accessible location, her generally healthy eating and overall condition, I have no doubt she will fully and quickly recover. Even if she recovers quickly and completely, she still loses her promotion and the pay raise she was going to get because her boss won't risk having someone in an authority position who isn't totally focused on work. That's also assuming she keeps her job at all, depending on how much recovery time she needs. If she loses her job entirely, it could be another decade or more before she gets back to a point where she could live on her own, clawing her way back up the ladder at a new place. In that case it will be at least that long before I could afford to pay alimony since I will have to cut back on paying down my own debts to cover her bills that she couldn't pay. Best case scenario is they let her keep her current job and after the medical issues are over, I can revisit the divorce in 2-3 years to make sure this new cancer is really gone. She's currently on my employer sponsored health insurance. Her job offers health insurance but they would take too much out of her paycheck for it to be worth taking unless she had gotten the promotion. This also will be something I will have to compensate her for in a divorce situation because the loss of my health insurance would be factored in as a reduction in her earnings, increasing our income discrepancy and therefore increasing my alimony payment.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 6, 2023 23:50:03 GMT -5
This probably won't help much Brother h , but there is a valueable takeaway from all this for the wider membership. That being that as time goes by in an ILIASM deal, it becomes more and more likely that a show stopper event is going to emerge. Most likely your health or your spouses health. The passage of time inevitably makes getting out of an ILIASM deal harder, not easier. |
|
|
|
Post by h on May 8, 2023 8:52:14 GMT -5
This probably won't help much Brother h , but there is a valueable takeaway from all this for the wider membership. That being that as time goes by in an ILIASM deal, it becomes more and more likely that a show stopper event is going to emerge. Most likely your health or your spouses health. The passage of time inevitably makes getting out of an ILIASM deal harder, not easier. I couldn't agree more. Hindsight is always clearer. I wish I had divorced her the day after the unconsummated wedding night. To anyone out there who is on the fence, do something now. Don't be like me. Don't be patient. Don't let it go. Either get intensive help and fix it quickly, or get out asap. Learn from my mistakes. |
|
