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Post by holdfast on Feb 2, 2023 18:03:28 GMT -5
Mulling over the various insights from therapy, drpsychmom, books, fellow iliasm members, and conversations with my W. This morning the analogy of a marathon seemed appealing.
I've only run a marathon once, in 2016, but long ago I heard of the infamous "wall". At about 20-22 miles, a runner will often "hit the wall" (aka "bonk"), when their body's energy stores are all gone and they just can't run another step until after they drop out and recover. It's very difficult to take in enough energy during the race to prevent bonking. Experienced runners train on how to refuel during the race, and if they manage their pace (energy expenditure) and refueling (energy intake) properly with respect to fitness, weather, terrain, and psychological stress, they can avoid bonking. Runners judge different races in part on how frequent, well stocked, and accessible the aid stations are.
In our relationship, W connects emotionally mostly through words, e.g. engaging conversation around the dinner table etc. This is usually an expenditure of emotional energy for me, without a return to speak of. My sense of connection is best reinforced through physical intimacy including casual touch, kissing, foreplay, and sex. It's not black and white, but we're on opposite sides of the 80-20 rule in both of these areas.
Here's the analogy: in this marathon of a marriage, the physical intimacy aid stations started out very frequent, with all kinds of Gatorade, cliff bars, energy gels, oranges, pickles, etc., and helpful, organized, friendly staff holding it all out to grab on the run. Along the way, the aid stations got farther apart, with just basic water and no help from the staff. Life got harder- the day got hotter, the course got rougher and hillier, the other runners started talking trash, and there were obstacles like a spartan race along the way. Some of the aid stations were empty, or at the top of stairs or steep side trails. Being a first timer, I skipped some of the aid stations and tried to keep running, though I fell behind my target pace and had to walk more and more frequently, and started limping from blisters. I haven't seen an aid station in a few years, and I hit the wall about 18 months ago. I can jog for a few yards at a time, but damn it hurts.
Thanks for humoring me in this thought experiment...looking forward to your thoughtful replies.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 2, 2023 19:49:12 GMT -5
What amazes me is how long we manage to stay after we hit the wall.
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2023 4:19:57 GMT -5
Brother holdfast . I am a big fan of the writer Mark Manson. In his book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" he says the following on page 92 in the chapter "You Are Always Choosing" I just happened to be re-reading this book and had just read this bit (below) when I read your analogy about the marathon. It goes like this - Imagine that someone puts a gun to your head and tells you that you have to run 26.2 miles in under 5 hours, or else he will kill you and your entire family.That would suck.Now, imagine that you bought nice shoes and running gear, trained religiously for months, and completed your first marathon with all your closest family and friends cheering you on at the finish line.That could potentially be one of the proudest moments of your life.Exact same 26.2 miles.
Exact same person running them.Exact same pain coursing through your exact legs. But when you chose it freely and prepared for it, it was such a glorious and important milestone in your life. When it was forced on you against your will, it was one of the most terrifying and painful experiences of your life.Manson then goes on in this chapter writng about 'choice' based on the above. I'm a great admirer of Mark Manson, and would urge anyone to hit the library and check out the book, or shell out the $30 bucks and buy a copy. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 3, 2023 6:45:54 GMT -5
Fertile ground. First some suggested parallels (others can feel free to substitute for better fit). I don't run, so kindly forgive imprecision. Gatorade, cliff bars, energy gels, oranges, pickles, etc.: Orgasm Starting line: Wedding Finish Line: Death Run Time: How long the marriage lasted Shinsplint: Drought, family crisis, empathy rupture. Dropping out and recovering: Slogging through the shinsplint. DNF: Divorce People cheering you on: Society
Sometimes you approach an aid station and there's your wife holding your pickle. Great! You've been sweating a lot, you need that sodium. She's beaming at you as take it from her and she cheers as you keep going. At the next aid station, she's sitting in a beach chair, pointed sideways, she doesn't look up, just keeps scrolling on her phone, points at the table well stocked with goodies. You make a split second decision, grab a gel and keep going. You hear "Doing great, babe." in a tone that lets you know she's not actually watching. The next aid station, the well stocked table has a sign on it: "You're the best! XXOO" It has a fresh sweat band on it. The goodies are arranged to spell out "Go Go Go". No one there though. Unlucky bathroom break timing? You grab a Cliff Bar (three flavors this time?) and forge on. The next three stations there's just a pickle. No other choices. No one there. There she is. The Mrs. is holding out a cup of Gatorade, but the hand off misses, you drop teh cup, it splatters. She stoops to pick the cup up, waving her hand down the track saying "Go go go." Three more pickle tables, then the finish line. Whole family there to greet you! It's nice, you gotta admit. |
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Post by holdfast on Feb 3, 2023 14:10:45 GMT -5
Brother holdfast . I am a big fan of the writer Mark Manson. In his book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" he says the following on page 92 in the chapter "You Are Always Choosing" I just happened to be re-reading this book and had just read this bit (below) when I read your analogy about the marathon. It goes like this - Imagine that...
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I'm a great admirer of Mark Manson, and would urge anyone to hit the library and check out the book, or shell out the $30 bucks and buy a copy.Thanks, Baza. I haven't read Mark Manson, but will give this one a try. Catchy title! Sounds interesting. |
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Post by holdfast on Feb 3, 2023 14:12:54 GMT -5
What amazes me is how long we manage to stay after we hit the wall. Thanks angeleye65. For me, the journey is the destination...for as long as I can keep choosing it. |
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Post by holdfast on Feb 3, 2023 14:36:31 GMT -5
Fertile ground. First some suggested parallels (others can feel free to substitute for better fit). I don't run, so kindly forgive imprecision. Gatorade, cliff bars, energy gels, oranges, pickles, etc.: Orgasm Starting line: Wedding Finish Line: Death Run Time: How long the marriage lasted Shinsplint: Drought, family crisis, empathy rupture. Dropping out and recovering: Slogging through the shinsplint. DNF: Divorce People cheering you on: Society
Sometimes you approach an aid station and there's your wife holding your pickle. Great! You've been sweating a lot, you need that sodium. She's beaming at you as take it from her and she cheers as you keep going. At the next aid station, she's sitting in a beach chair, pointed sideways, she doesn't look up, just keeps scrolling on her phone, points at the table well stocked with goodies. You make a split second decision, grab a gel and keep going. You hear "Doing great, babe." in a tone that lets you know she's not actually watching. The next aid station, the well stocked table has a sign on it: "You're the best! XXOO" It has a fresh sweat band on it. The goodies are arranged to spell out "Go Go Go". No one there though. Unlucky bathroom break timing? You grab a Cliff Bar (three flavors this time?) and forge on. The next three stations there's just a pickle. No other choices. No one there. There she is. The Mrs. is holding out a cup of Gatorade, but the hand off misses, you drop teh cup, it splatters. She stoops to pick the cup up, waving her hand down the track saying "Go go go." Three more pickle tables, then the finish line. Whole family there to greet you! It's nice, you gotta admit. Thanks Mirrororchid, you're hearing me. I appreciate your reflection. In my reality, the aid stations represent the emotional bonding/attunement/connection/energy boost - and associated endorphins - that I experience from genuine physical intimacy with my W, including orgasm but also everything leading up to and winding down from that peak as well. ("...Wife holding my pickle" LOL! I see what you did there). Other interactions - like words, services, creative activities, fun experiences - build that bond also, but seemingly draw down my energy. Those things are represented by the effort of running. I chose this race because I loved the running as well as the aid stations, and I'm all in for all of it, not just for the aid stations. Wish I had run smarter in the first half...and trying to figure out how to finish strong. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 7, 2023 6:10:15 GMT -5
In my reality, the aid stations represent the emotional bonding/attunement/connection/energy boost - and associated endorphins - that I experience from genuine physical intimacy with my W, including orgasm but also everything leading up to and winding down from that peak as well. .... Other interactions - like words, services, creative activities, fun experiences - build that bond also, but seemingly draw down my energy. Those things are represented by the effort of running. I chose this race because I loved the running as well as the aid stations, and I'm all in for all of it, not just for the aid stations. Wish I had run smarter in the first half...and trying to figure out how to finish strong. I suppose you could sit at the aid stations and have gels, Cliff bars, and pickles all day, but the exertion in between is likely what makes the snacks and Gatorade so refreshing and revitalizing. I understand some people pay to go to the aid stations without running. Hey, no judging. |
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