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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2023 6:29:41 GMT -5
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 19, 2023 9:55:29 GMT -5
I've said it before and I'll say it again by the time you want to walk away it is no longer about the sex or at least not just the sex. It is the loss of connection caused by lack of physical intimacy. Along with feeling rejected, unwanted, disrespected and the resentment and wedge that happened due to all the above. And I think she Agrees! |
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angelwanderer
New Member
currently podcasting on The Dirty Rabbit Hole
Posts: 13
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by angelwanderer on Jan 19, 2023 18:05:45 GMT -5
Hi,
Outsiders might say that. Unless you're inside a marriage like that and know all of its circumstances, it diminishes divorce to say it's a shallow solution to solving a sexless marriage. Whether it comes down to divorcing, straying, or enduring, we all have a choice in this topic, and I don't think any one of them is a decision that's taken lightly.
In my case, I laboured over my choice for years. Some will say that what I did was shallow one but, from my side of the marriage, it was the most difficult thing I ever did -- but it was also the best decision I ever made. None of what I did was shallow.
-A |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 19, 2023 20:34:36 GMT -5
Hi,
Outsiders might say that. Unless you're inside a marriage like that and know all of its circumstances, it diminishes divorce to say it's a shallow solution to solving a sexless marriage. Whether it comes down to divorcing, straying, or enduring, we all have a choice in this topic, and I don't think any one of them is a decision that's taken lightly.
In my case, I laboured over my choice for years. Some will say that what I did was shallow one but, from my side of the marriage, it was the most difficult thing I ever did -- but it was also the best decision I ever made. None of what I did was shallow.
-A Very well said. I think most of us here would say it was hard and not a decision made on a whim. The majority of us stayed way longer than we should have to our own detriment . |
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Post by baza on Jan 19, 2023 21:04:25 GMT -5
"Isn't it shallow to divorce over lack of sex ?"
That's very much a judgement call.
If one wants to stay in ones ILIASM situation, then that's a perfectly valid choice.
Someone else, confronting their similar ILIASM situation chooses to leave, then that's a perfectly valid choice.
And yet another person dealing with their similar ILIASM situation chooses to cheat, that also is a perfectly valid choice.
There is no "right" choice to be had in ILIASM situations.
It is not a matter of morals, rather it is a matter of choice.
Your choice.
The choice that works best for you.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 20, 2023 7:44:22 GMT -5
I've set it before and I'll say it again by the time you want to walk away it is no longer about the sex or at least not just the sex. It is the loss of connection caused by lack of physical intimacy. Along with feeling rejected, unwanted, disrespected and the resentment and wedge that happened due to all the above. And I think she Agrees! I'd wonder if divorce or opening the marriage before such weighty, negative emotions arise might produce superior results. Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest it might. There aren't enough people that try it to have a good statistical sample. Noting that the draw towards an intimate marriage is a draw all its own, so the open marriage "solution" would be an obstacle for the goal/prize sought. So it's not for everybody. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 20, 2023 8:31:49 GMT -5
@mirrorchild seems like most refuses are unwilling to make that compromise unfortunately. I asked and was denied so I took matters into my own hands. Would it have saved my marriage, possibly.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 20, 2023 18:43:16 GMT -5
Hi,
Outsiders might say that.
In my case, I labored over my choice for years. Some will say that what I did was shallow one but, from my side of the marriage, it was the most difficult thing I ever did -- but it was also the best decision I ever made. None of what I did was shallow.
-A Outsiders also don't want to take the time to listen. They want a one sentence answer to " why did you end the marriage?" (living in an online world!) Hard to explain a choice that took years into one sentence! However... their will be the occasional ILIASM person who nods their head in complete agreement and says..."Oh yeah! Sadly I can relate!" |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 23, 2023 20:30:46 GMT -5
mirrororchid seems like most refusers are unwilling to make that compromise unfortunately. I asked and was denied so I took matters into my own hands. Would it have saved my marriage, possibly. If I recall, you secretly outsourced after that. I've been curious about results of "informed" non-monogamy. Where you tell your spouse the outsourcing will begin at such-and-such a date, barring a dramatic change. Do they put up with it, get used to it, and keep the parts of marriage they like? Or pull the pin? As always, this plan being executed only after laying groundwork to prepare for the fallout Baza dutifully reminds us of. I think only jerri has pulled off informed non-monogamy. My wife reset before the deadline. |
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