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Post by catlover on Jan 18, 2023 12:52:19 GMT -5
The last 8 years have been completely sexless in our marriage, if you have read some of my moans and groans you will be familiar with my wife's (un) health condition, a rare, progressive, ultimately terminal condition.
We used to (in my mind anyway) have a robust and enthusiastic sex life. Ha, what a fool I was. She revealed to me a while back that she , "never really enjoyed sex", also that she "hated doggie", that I was "never satisfied".
She also (allegedly?) was sexually abused (once) by some creep when she was a small child.
Then, in 2015, after some years of chasing doctors she was finally diagnosed with HATTR-Amyloidosis. It is a particularly difficult disease to diagnose in that it momics a lot of other conditions and unless a Dr is familiar with the condition it would not be suspected.
She has told me that she has zero interest in sex and that she "feels nothing down there” (Neuropathy is one of the delightful symptoms of this disease),
I have been basically spinning my wheels since then (after one disastrous attempt at rekindling things). It sounds awful, but she was told at time of diagnosis that she had about 18 months to 3 years life expectancy, so in a way I was waiting for her to pass on and then I could rebuild my life. Now, 8 years later and she is still soldiering on, heading up an advocacy group. Everyone thinks she is amazing, “such a positive attitude”.
Now, why is the resentment running so strong you may ask (or not), I am turning 64 next week, and unfortunately for me, over the last few months I have noticed a distinct absence of things going right in the male equipment department. The realization that my chances of ever having a ‘normal’ sex life (with anybody) have pretty much become a pipe dream, looks like I will be living out the rest of our marriage (however long that may be) as a miserable old fart.
I have suffered from severe, treatment resistant, depression for longer than I care to remember, certainly not helped by the marital situation. That of course makes it extremely difficult to cultivate outside interests. The motivation and energy are just not there. What makes it even more difficult, is that most of the the things and activities I would like to get involved in, through the likes of meetup.com, happen after working hours. We live a bit out in the country, between Hamilton Ontario and Port Dover. Not a big deal in daylight, but, just to add to my misery, I am blind in one eye and really shouldn’t be driving at night. It can get downright scary for me driving at night, especially if there is rain around (the lane marking paint used in SW Ontario has to be the cheapest crap possible to purchase - guess the powers that be have never heard of reflective paint?)
To sum up, yes I am trapped. Apologies for the rant, I am just fed up
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Post by blunder8 on Jan 18, 2023 14:08:41 GMT -5
Ugh. It seems that you are making accommodations for your wife in her poor health. That's what you do. Her inability to want sex or perform in this department are understandable. The disparaging remarks about never enjoying sex just seem unusually cruel, and in my mind can't be easily dismissed because of her illness.
Seems to me the to-do list should include 1) talking to your doctor about the male equipment problems and determine a treatment plan, if it exists. 2) A heart-to-heart talk with your wife about how your needs and mental health don't just come to a stop, and try to come to an understanding about having another relationship with someone who could "enjoy sex." 3) Look for transportation options. Forgive me if I don't know any better, but do Uber or Lyft operate in Ontario? Another ride service?
I hear in your message sadness and longing for warmth and affection. Most of all, I hope you can find a friend to talk with; someone who can listen and support you often. The things you want, intimacy and affection, are very normal. You are not bad for longing for this. Don't give up. 64 is too young to take yourself out of the game. Give yourself a pep talk every morning and monitor your self-talk to drive out negative thoughts and affirm positive ones. Of course continue to provide compassionate care to your wife and help her where you can. Just be sure to take care of yourself as well. Much strength to you.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 18, 2023 14:09:56 GMT -5
Oh, catlover, it is so hard to see possibilities when one isn't just severely depressed but also is in a living situation that would be difficult for anyone. Your resentment is very understandable. This isn't the life you signed up for including after your wife was diagnosed. If you posted to vent, then don't read on. I know sometimes venting is necessary and that's all a person wants or needs at the time. But if you'd consider some alternatives that may expand your life: 1. Are there on-line support groups for people who are caregivers of chronically ill spouses? That could be a source of support and friendships. 2. It's normal for men to have erection and libido problems as they age. You can still get treatment even if you don't currently have a partner. My post SM lover had gone 1 full year without sex and without a romantic relationship before we got together. Still, he'd gotten Cialis and t-treatment because he'd lost his libido, his t level had dropped, he was depressed, and as he put it, "didn't feel like a man." He'd gone to the doctor and gotten treatment before I came into his life, and when I did come into his life he was ready and almost 10 years later, we are in our 70s and still enjoying sex. Even if you don't plan to outsource, at least you could enjoy solo sex. 3. This may seem radical but have you considered moving closer to a place with more opportunity for activities? Yes, it would take a while to move, but it could be worth it. Even without your marital problems, where you are living doesn't seem to be a good place in which to be aging. It sounds very isolated. Also, the activities involved in moving may give you some structure in your life that would give you more to look forward to such as being able to do meet-ups. From what you've said, you are likely to outlive your wife and it might be more comfortable for you to start now creating a life that gives you more access to other people and activities. 4. If you are still working, can you retire so as to allow yourself more freedom to do enjoyable things in the daytime? These may help you find a support group: wellspouse.org/our-support/support-groups/map-location.html. www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/caregiver-support-groups |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 18, 2023 15:52:36 GMT -5
catlover I'm just echoing what others have said. Your feelings are understandable. And don't count yourself out. Maybe your medication are causing the issue and could be changed. Also can be from the depression. I will say my boyfriend had issues when we met due to the sexless marriage we used viagra until his confidence came back. Fast forward 11 years we are older and not as fit as we should be. Sometimes he needs it sometimes not but all good either way.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 19, 2023 5:28:33 GMT -5
catlover ... I will say my boyfriend had issues when we met due to the sexless marriage we used viagra until his confidence came back.... If anyone, including catlover, is thinking of tweaking their systems, I have copied from another post about ED medication:
Nov 18, 2022 at 4:17am ironhamster said:
deadzone75 , as long as you feel otherwise healthy enough, the modern miracle of pecker pills has done wonders for me. There are at least three types, Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. You can get a prescription from a doctor, or go online to find overseas pharmacies.
I prefer Cialis, because it is long lasting. 36 hours per. I take half a dose every day, which allows me to be at 100% without any timing required.
20mg brand name tablets are about $80 per. Don't do this. Overseas pharmacies can get you just as good generics for about $2 a pill. Split them, and take 10mg each morning....
For those that didn't plan ahead, or nervous about pharma/side effects, DryCreek said the quick-turnaround alternative below needs more publicity. As a topical gel, it may have fewer concerns about side effects? www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/where-to-buy-nitroglycerin-gel-for-ed#how-does-it-workNitroglycerin gels applied to the penis can range in strength from 0.2% to 0.8%. These doses are smaller than the nitroglycerin paste or gel applied to the chest for chest pain, which is a 2% paste. It’s important not to mix up the two when applying to the penis......If you apply a pea-sized amount, this is about 0.15 to 0.25 grams (I'm assuming, that's the 0.2% ointment they're talking about)......studies used concentrations of 0.2% to 0.8% for people with more severe ED, who likely need higher concentrations.
From my own study, I add: The 2% chest/heart gel can be diluted 10:1 with vaseline to get the 0.2% concentration. It can be applied behind the shaft, perhaps on the taint?. Start with a low, and build. (headaches may be a sign of excessive dose) Maybe try it before you need it to see what dose works. (if any) You'll need a doctor's help to get the gel, most likely, so including him on your battle plan makes tons of sense. Always consider life changes (e.g. diet) that may improve blood circulation to lower the dose requirement. (or eliminate the need, perhaps?) The same circulatory issues that cause impotence can cause heart attack and stroke, so, it's a threefer if you can fix/improve matters with diet, exercise, or other medical interventions for unknown, serious underlying issues. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 19, 2023 8:08:37 GMT -5
The gel sounds interesting is it Approved for that. I mean would the doctor give you the prescription for that reason?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jan 19, 2023 9:46:17 GMT -5
catlover. I can imagine the range of emotions you are running through. Its highly relatable. Speaking from experience, resentment is a beast. I would say the 1st step is to acknowledge that. Then commit yourself to reject resentment. Easier said than done I know. But the 1st step is always the hardest. It might be helpful to find an activity that brings you joy and make time for that in your life. Seek out those relationships that offer you support and encouragment.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 20, 2023 7:20:07 GMT -5
The gel sounds interesting is it Approved for that. I mean would the doctor give you the prescription for that reason? I've wondered the same thing. Frankly, any doctor willing to prescribe Viagra but not willing to try this I have to doubt his commitment to medicine. nationalpharmacyrx.com/nitroglycerin-cream-for-ed/"A nitroglycerin topical has been developed using a proprietary dermal delivery system....This new nitroglycerin topical is being marketed in other countries already and is currently being reviewed for FDA approval."Aha! Can't let Americans have it until it's patented again. but then, "...In the meantime, a topical nitroglycerin for ED can only be made by a compounding pharmacy with a prescription."So, it sure seems possible. They mention problems if you use the nitro cream AND Cialis/Viagra. So, it's one or teh other, fellas. Experiment at home with dosages. You don't want the cream to fail you, then you take a pill so you don't lose teh moment and end up in trouble. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 20, 2023 8:19:19 GMT -5
One aspect of the gel might be the prohibitive costs. I had a pharmacy compound Cialis for me. A dosage of 6 gummies cost over $100. And it didn't work at all so it was money wasted. I expect a compounded gel would also be prohibitive for many men.
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Post by catlover on Feb 1, 2023 17:34:12 GMT -5
Well, back to my bitchin LOL> I am just so fed up right now. Tired of waiting and hoping for scraps of physical affection and humiliating myself. I never slept at all last night.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 1, 2023 18:42:56 GMT -5
catlover: Your choices are to stay and stay celibate, stay and outsource with or without your partner's approval, or to leave. What have you decided to do since it's not possible to force another person to sexually desire you?
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Post by catlover on Feb 1, 2023 20:16:12 GMT -5
I'm not even talking about sex, I know only too well that is not going to happen, I would just love some physical affection though, , a cuddle, a hand on the leg, anything like that, but I'm tired of hoping and in the process humiliating myself.
As I mentioned previously, it's somewhat ironic, things down below don't seem to be working very well with me either.
I'm just tired of this shit, it would be impossible to leave, no point anyhow.
I know what the choices are, I just don't like any of them. Having the occasional wank is way, way less hassle. (Not nearly as satisfying though)
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 1, 2023 20:37:19 GMT -5
My "Like" is sympathy and letting you know you're getting heard out here.
Is a cuddle group a thing to think about?
Not cheating, not sexual, so... not divorce triggering?
Trying anything here....
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Post by heelots on Feb 1, 2023 20:44:49 GMT -5
I'm not even talking about sex, I know only too well that is not going to happen, I would just love some physical affection though, , a cuddle, a hand on the leg, anything like that, but I'm tired of hoping and in the process humiliating myself. As I mentioned previously, it's somewhat ironic, things down below don't seem to be working very well with me either. I'm just tired of this shit, it would be impossible to leave, no point anyhow. I know what the choices are, I just don't like any of them. Having the occasional wank is way, way less hassle. (Not nearly as satisfying though) Always keep in mind, you do not have a wife, you have a roommate. Once you get that firmly established in your mind and keep it front and center things will get a little easier if you have to stay. |
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Post by catlover on Feb 2, 2023 13:51:01 GMT -5
One of my birthday gifts was a voucher for 2 for an overnight stay, bottle of wine and full breakfast included at a beautiful hotel in Niagara-on-the-lake. Nice gesture, but I wouldn't say the idea of spending time at a romantic spot with zero chance of any romance fills me with joy.
We will also be traveling to Chicago, Madrid, and (probably) Greece (Location to be confirmed) this year to attend and participate in medical conferences (she heads up a patient advocacy group - it seems that's where a large portion of her energy goes). not particularly looking forward to any of that either, I'm so bloody sick and tired of this disease.
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