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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 27, 2022 20:16:29 GMT -5
I wanted to pass along some good news!
Some HOPE!
My oldest son (soon to be 25 yrs old) Came to visit me and his 21 yr. old brother today!!
A major victory!
I have had zero communication with him since my divorce 4 1/2 yrs ago.Why? you ask? All I ever knew was that he moved out quickly to not be involved or take sides in the divorce.
He's a quiet person. He was adopted and brought to America at the age of 14. One of the kindest,well behaved ,obedient, easy going boy (man now) you'll ever know! He was placed in an orphanage In China at age 5.
He's the oldest of my 6 kids. All from my one marriage of 25 yrs. 3 natural born, 3 adopted from China. 4 boys 2 girls. All basically one to 2 yrs apart.
I sent him a message by facebook inviting him to visit me and his brother. He does come once a year to see my ex W. And she visits him down in Miami (a 4 hr.drive) He gets to see his 2 brothers and 2 sisters at Christmas. They have put forth zero effort to communicate with me. My door is always open, and I keep up with them some, through their brother who lives with me.
It's tragic,and sad! But a reality that I continue to live with and press forward.
So HAPPY! A short, cordial visit- that's exactly what I wanted and received. I expect things to get better with time. No pressure. He brought his girlfriend! He works with her and her family. She moved from China to America 5 yrs. ago!
Just wanted to share the good news!!
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 27, 2022 20:46:23 GMT -5
I am so happy for you! That's wonderful news!
Empathy from me, too, because one of my 2 adults sons hasn't been in contact with me or my ex or his brother basically for several years. We don't know why, He never told us. It wasn't due to the divorce. He even moved to a new state and bought his first house and didn't tell us.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 29, 2022 10:19:37 GMT -5
Great news! I am very happy for you!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 29, 2022 22:22:03 GMT -5
Great news! I am very happy for you! Thanks very much! You know I'd love to be hearing the same for you and your daughter.... Then gain It's always uplifting to know that you're continuing on with your own life, as challenging that it is, and that you feel content with the fact that you went above and beyond to do all things possible for the good of your daughter. My oldest son seems to manage himself nicely. Something forced upon him at a very early age. |
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muzack
Junior Member
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Post by muzack on Dec 29, 2022 23:57:22 GMT -5
Sounds like a wonderful Christmas present.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 30, 2022 13:55:06 GMT -5
Great news! I am very happy for you! Thanks very much! You know I'd love to be hearing the same for you and your daughter.... Then gain It's always uplifting to know that you're continuing on with your own life, as challenging that it is, and that you feel content with the fact that you went above and beyond to do all things possible for the good of your daughter. My oldest son seems to manage himself nicely. Something forced upon him at a very early age. No good news from my daughter unfortunately. I offered to pay for things like education, psychological help and sports etc. But no response. And when I wanted to wire just a little for Christmas, I found out that her bank account doesn't exist anymore. So I feel even more shut off. That was a slap in the face for me. I am trying to continue with everything and keep sending e-mails occasionnally, but it is hard. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 30, 2022 15:25:06 GMT -5
Tamara: "No good news from my daughter unfortunately. I offered to pay for things like education, psychological help and sports etc. But no response. And when I wanted to wire just a little for Christmas, I found out that her bank account doesn't exist anymore. So I feel even more shut off. That was a slap in the face for me. I am trying to continue with everything and keep sending e-mails occasionnally, but it is hard. " Empathy from me, Tamara, Sent a Christmas message to my extranged older son. Crickets.  |
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 30, 2022 17:44:25 GMT -5
northstarmom, thanks. So sad if your Christmas wishes stay unanswered. May our children come back into our lives one day!
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 31, 2022 5:13:41 GMT -5
northstarmom , thanks. So sad if your Christmas wishes stay unanswered. May our children come back into our lives one day! I like to read articles about the change in behavior for an adult, after your children age into adulthood. What it 's like dealing with letting go, empty nest syndrome, kids returning as adults, bringing grandchildren back into your home, spare-empty-bedrooms, all of that on top of being divorced and now a single parent! As much as we talk about "you can't change someone", we sure are forced to adapt to all the changes that our children go through in their lives! How we cope and adjust says a lot about us, and the example we set for them as families, as we continue forward with our lives too! Sure I grieve the loss of the years not being with my kids for the past 4 1/2yrs, but It's important to remember the huge lack of stress I was given by not having them and their problems to deal with! I was given time to finally put myself 'first' for a change and focus on my own healing. Hopefully it has made me stronger and much more competent for dealing with them as adults in the future? |
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Post by blunder8 on Jan 1, 2023 19:22:22 GMT -5
That's great. Happy you were able to reconnect. Here's hoping it helps to make the bond even stronger between you.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 7, 2023 3:15:00 GMT -5
Congratulations GC! Small wins are still wins!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 7, 2023 9:13:13 GMT -5
I am so happy for you! That's wonderful news! Empathy from me, too, because one of my 2 adults sons hasn't been in contact with me or my ex or his brother basically for several years. We don't know why, He never told us. It wasn't due to the divorce. He even moved to a new state and bought his first house and didn't tell us. I wanted to share this woman's story with you and everyone else. She puts feelings ,emotions,and uncontrollable circumstances into words, far better than I can!!
I rarely mention this to anyone ..."I feel like all 6 of my kids died in a terrible accident during and after my divorce. yet they are still alive. I was not allowed to grieve, or receive any condolence."
My woman, after my divorce was there for me. She had the same circumstance.I thank her for that!
medium.com/the-wind-phone/the-loss-of-a-child-who-is-still-alive-81a6b6256c14
The Loss of a Child Who is Still Alive
The grief is deep, lonely, and often misunderstood
When the grief first hit me, I struggled with the guilt most of all. I told myself that I was ungrateful, that I wasn’t allowed to grieve a living child while others had children that had died.
This was a death to the life I had imagined for me and my children. I’d been divorced for years by this point and had given up on the idea of the perfect family of six. Mother, father, and four children. But it was not meant to be.
We had already been through so much as a family, and I came from a background of deep family trauma and abuse. I had always fought so hard to give my children a much better life and I was doing the best that I could.
Three out of four of my children had special needs, but one of my children had needs that were severe. I was constantly driving him to doctors, emergency rooms, all kinds of things.
I had once sat in a room in the intensive care unit at his bedside for three days, begging God to let him wake up. I paid out hundreds of dollars to a sitter for my other kids from those three days.
For years I put out five plates of food at dinner time, and then the day came that it went down to four. My second oldest child, severely disabled intellectually and medically, was moving to an institution a few hours north of me.
I wouldn’t get to see him every day, in fact I’d only get to go once a month, for an hour or two due to finances and the needs of my children still at home. I grieved the loss of not watching him grow up in the regular way, of missing milestones, of not knowing what he liked to do on a daily basis.
I did it because it was the best for him, and the best for the rest of us. He’s been gone four years now and he’s fourteen. I saw him last week and he’s 6ft tall but skinny. I brought his Christmas gifts to the front office and dropped them off before they brought him from his dorm to visit with me.
In the first months after he was gone, I scolded myself severely for grieving my living child. I felt like I didn’t have that right because this was the right decision for everyone and a huge deal that there had been a spot open up for him.
He needed 24/7 focused care, and I wasn’t able to give that as well as raising my other children. He’s so happy where he’s at, and he and my other children are thriving not just surviving. I’ve worked hard for this. And yet, sometimes I still don’t feel like I have that right.
I would go to Walmart, in the beginning, and see something on the shelf that made me think of him and the tears would flow whether I wanted them to or not. I wasn’t expecting to have to send him to such a place at age ten, and it was still a huge loss.
I’ve since learned that even blessings can be a huge loss, there’s an in-between that hurts so bad because life isn’t as I imagined it would be.
In my grief I felt so lonely, because many people didn’t understand, and I felt like those who did might judge me for being so heartbroken. After all, my child was alive.
The other issue was that deep down I felt like a failure as a mother. He needed constant supervision that can’t be provided by just one person, and I felt like I just wasn’t good enough even for my own child.
When I visit him, and there are other parents visiting their boys, the parents don’t usually make eye contact, nor do they speak. It’s too painful to speak of it even in the presence of other people going through the same thing.
During the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, I didn’t get to visit him for a whole year, and that was painful and hard. I didn’t lose a loved one to COVID but I lost a year of my son’s childhood.
I still grieve every month when I visit him and then go home without him. Those visits take a lot of energy and the sadness lingers. I’m always grateful when a friend can ride with me.
The people who work with him love him, and he’s so happy there. He’s thriving and living the best life available to him. It’s still something I can’t share with everyone, like it’s shameful and I am bad.
It’s a life I didn’t envision, but it’s the one he has and the one I have, and it’s as amazing as it can be. It still often hurts, though.
I imagine it always will. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 26, 2023 22:50:54 GMT -5
Wow. Estranged children seem to be all the rage.
My eldest, 23, has not communicated with me in over three years. She was the one I never had to worry about. I provided well for her, and gave her access to her UGMA account early. Then one day I went to make investment adjustments and she'd locked me out without a further word.
My youngest only contacts me when she needs money, which is perhaps a once a year thing, and only contacts me through my ex's email, so I can never be sure which one of them is asking for money.
I am reminded of Ronald Reagan, whose biological daughter got wrapped up in mischief and refused contact with him. When he was diagnosed with Alzheimers, he wrote her a beautiful letter asking her to come visit while he still had his faculties. The only way we know the letter existed is because she sold it for $500 to buy drugs. She never went to see her father.
I don't know if my kids will come around, but, I can rest assured that no letter I write to them will ever be so valuable as to fetch $500 for drug money.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 27, 2023 4:55:27 GMT -5
Does anyone have any hints what might be useful to prevent estrangement after a divorce? Or pitfalls that may have contributed? I made a post about preparing for divorce in case "The Talk" or unilateral opening of the marriage causes divorce. Child estrangement wasn't one of the consequences listed but I'm adding it now. Got a buddy whose wife has conscripted his adult son to unite in his wife's cause to get him into therapy for a condition two therapists have said he doesn't have. She has convinced him to have no contact until he gets help for this thing she says he has but two professionals well associated with this mental illness say he doesn't have. Yeah, it's a thing. If we can have ILIASM members nip that crap in the bud, everyone wins. Kid, ex, and our friends. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 27, 2023 11:19:46 GMT -5
"It is important to identify PA [parental alienation] in its early stages when the condition is mild and relatively treatable; severe cases of PA are much more difficult to address and reverse. For example, it is likely that very early cases of PA come to the attention of therapists in private practice and at mental health centers, who work with children of parents who are headed toward divorce. As PA becomes better understood by front-line clinicians, they will be able to intervene with parent counseling and psychoeducation at an early stage when the condition is highly treatable. Of course, prevention is even more important than early intervention. Various authors have proposed strategies for the prevention of PA, ranging from interventions with individual children to educational approaches for judges to systemic changes to the entire family court system in the US. For example, there is a prevention approach called I Don’t Want to Choose: How Middle School Kids Can Avoid Choosing One Parent Over the Other.8 It is a structured program for group discussions with children of divorced parents, which can be implemented by school counselors. It has been suggested many times that it is important to educate psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, lawyers, and judges regarding PA, so they can help parents avoid this catastrophe when parents take steps to end their marriages. It has also been suggested that the default arrangement for children after parental divorce should be shared parenting. Typically, shared parenting means that the child lives with both parents at least 40% of the time; a common arrangement is for the child to alternate living a week at a time in each parent’s home. The most dramatic recommendation for reducing parental conflict after divorce is to revamp the entire family court system in this country. That would involve ceasing the use of adversarial methods of dispute resolution in family court. Then, replacing adversarial methods with obligatory structured family mediation for dispute resolution in cases between parents of minor children. Structured family mediation is a time-tested, nonadversarial, optimal method of family dispute resolution.9 PA is enormously frustrating for parents who find themselves despised and rejected by their children-although the parents and the children previously enjoyed a happy and healthy relationship. PA is challenging for the mental health and legal professionals who encounter it in their clinics and courtrooms. As a society, we need to immunize ourselves against this pathogen-a task that will involve teaching our students and trainees about PA, continuing education for mental health and legal practitioners, orienting child protection personnel to recognize child psychological abuse, and influencing government officials to change laws, policies, and practices with regard to children of divorced parents." www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/treatment-and-prevention-parental-alienation |
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