Lost, Confused and Sad

I think you are wrong here. I have no idea whether or not she wants you to have a good sexual relationship, but there is a much bigger issue than sex not being a priority. There is something in her that actively resists or doesn't want to have sex with you. Given who you are, you have obviously decided that this marriage is it for you for ever. So if your marriage really is great, you need to find a way to talk about this in a much deeper way and find out what is really going on. Is it the pain? Does she feel uncomfortable? Does she feel it is wrong? Does she feel unwilling to open up to you in that way because of something else in your relationship? Does she just hate sex?

If you are going to be married for the next 40 years, then you owe it to both of you to build your communication to the point where you can talk about these things and find out. And also to let her know exactly how you feel. Tell her why you want to have sex. Tell her what it means to you. Tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her what it feels like to want somebody that badly and not be able to get through to them.

If this is an emotional issue (which it probably is), then you can't just 'push through it'. It won't work and in the long run it will make the problem worse. You have to find out what the problem is and create that connection. I don't know if you can do that or not, but if you are never going to leave you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Please don't resign yourself to a lifetime of frustration and resentment - it will kill both of you slowly from the inside out.

I could have written this story. In fact I think I did write something very similar back in the EP days. You don't mention intimacy so I am wondering if there is much. That means showing or receiving other forms of love and affection. I would be willing to bet there is very little. Because sex is such a powerful driver for many of us, it pushes our recognition or lack of recognition of the missing intimacy component out of our sight. And out of sight, out of mind. I came to EP over 1 and 1/2 yrs. ago with the same mindset as you. All is well except the sex. My then W and I were "in tune" politically, religiously, monetarily, etc. such that I didn't see what was missing, except the sex. When my eyes were finally opened I came to realize it was much more.
Frequent discussions about the unhappy state of the marriage and sex life followed by promises to do better and reset sex followed by a return to previous behavior. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your W does not really want a good sexual relationship. If she did she would be doing something proactive to make it happen. This doesn't mean she is actively seeking to sabotage the sex, it just means it isn't very important to her. For instance she could be seeing her gyn for the discomfort she has experienced but she chooses not to. Doesn't make her a bad person, just a woman with a very different libido and intimacy needs than you.
Like me I am sure that you love your W, but you are immensely frustrated at not being able to fix or resolve the problem. And now you are starting to feel resentful and angry. It will be impossible to continue to love this woman if those feeling are allowed to fester and increase in scope. And most likely they will unless the 2 of you are able to address them.
As a Christian it was also difficult for me to consider divorce. Money also played a role in my reluctance. But your W has already forsaken and broken her vows so often that in effect they no longer exist in the marriage. My advice would be to continue to give the marriage your best effort but recognize that without your partner doing the same it has no chance. As time passes your attitude about a lifetime of celibacy and a marriage that brings you little happiness or reward for years of effort may well change.

                                                                                               
                                                                                                THIS IS YOUR FUTURE
2016-2021 – this will consume you, you will lose sleep, a lot of sleep. You realize that sex in marriage is not everything but when it's missing it is EVERYTHING. You will buy every book on marriage, every CD and DVD. She knows what the Bible says on the topic, but is not moved. You will leave a book or DVD well placed as a hint. You will discuss with co-workers and those from church. They will always mention Ephesians, counseling, etc. Some will talk you to near death on the matter but unless 50+, not likely the wisdom you need. She will see and hear ALL the information available but yet she cannot perform. She will try to hide her angst, but will feel further coerced and avoidance tactics get more and more clever. There will be a few from church who may try to subtly guilt her into being the available spouse but still, forced and mechanical and you will still be the initiator every time! You keep trying, becoming different people to please and serve to let her know you love her and really care about this marriage. You are and become the “perfect husband” and committed father (her dream man right?). Every excuse, while plausible are never really legitimate. She will suggest having another baby and sex WILL happen. Then it won’t again. Now she’ll have two very legitimate “reasons” you always will be back burner. You love those two “reasons” so you endure. No, you do not thrive, you endure. Your young man ambitions wither, life gets less exciting. And any sex will be mechanical, you’ll lose respect for her - she feels it - distance between you grows. Buying Anniversary cards become difficult to do because you cannot say “you’re the love of my life” with conviction. Valentine’s Day – “how out of town for work can I be? “ She’ll press for a new distraction such as a new house, car, etc. You will cave but still no sex or at least no decent sex. You begin to question everything including how a marriage and especially a Christian marriage goes this way. This does not represent what it should. But you smile and pose as though all is well including at church. But INSIDE you are dying! You just want to have sex *&$% it! You spot every cutie and wonder if she “likes sex”. You wonder if other couples you see every day are having sex. Then you feel guilty for lusting. But divorce is still off the table and now you are 5 years older and still the pursuer. REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT...

Think about the insurance guy who went back to his old self and had him buy the right insurance.
If my old self came back he'd say "buy a duplex or joined Townhouse now! Tell her how this has to be since she changed the rules early in the game. Take your life back for the sake of sanity, for life itself. Tell her that next to dying, divorce is the last thing you would choose but unfortunately marriage without sex is not marriage anymore. And it’s too important to ignore. We will goal to raise a sweet daughter as together as we can, as good friends. But I cannot live with the torture of sharing intimate space with you anymore. You can be free to find someone with whom you feel comfortable giving yourself to. Your choice baby, just like avoiding sex is your choice. You have to make a decision and take action. She may change but you have to let her know you are serious. If not, you can have friendly even fun filled conversations here for years to come.

As it is for most refusers, she won't change or compromise because she's already getting exactly what she wanted: marriage, a baby, a decent guy, and little to no sex. She's in heaven. The only time it bothers her is when you complain, but all she has to do is cry some fake tears and make some excuses and then it's back to the perfect life for HER until you complain again. Rinse, repeat, watch the rest of your life flash in front of you, because it looks like a whole lot more of this.

If there is a God/are Gods, I can't believe that he/she/it/they would want anyone to live deprived of something so basic a necessity as sex and the intimacy that comes with it. How does needless suffering help God or anyone else? On the contrary, many religions (including my own, Judaism) allow *even* women to divorce if their husbands refuse to have sex with them. Let's all remember that organized religion is a construction, and there are plenty of ways to interpret every faith.

First of all be honest with yourself. You don't want to have sex with anyone but your wife? When she put that ring on your finger, the basic biological drive that has kept humanity alive for millennia just shut off except for her?

You sound young. You will not be able to go the rest of your life without sex. Especially because your marriage is already in serious trouble. A great marriage except for the sex? Read what you just wrote. Total communication breakdown. Not to mention she lies to you every time she says things will change. No, you're in a classic ILIASM shithole.

I would suggest the unthinkable: divorce is an option. Only you can decide when or if that's the best option for you, but it is an option. As is side action, although that option is fraught with pitfalls. You do have options. And the option you have chosen so far, staying, gets harder with time, not easier. I hope you're not thinking you'll get used to this. Jesus will not help you. Unless you consider divorce an option, you're an affair waiting to happen. There are some folks here who at least for the time being made up their mind that they are staying, and maybe they can help you find ways to cope, but I doubt any of them will say it gets easier with time.

Now, you are probably saying I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't understand Christian marriage and I don't have the illuminating work of the Holy Spirit to open up Scripture to me. All true. So spend a few more years in prayer and getting into the Word. Then when you decide you're going to have an affair or a divorce, there is lots of worldly wisdom here to help you navigate it. We'll keep the light on for you.

pdan87 , add my story to the likes of sufferinhubby , samedeepwater , and cagedadventurer . I was in your shoes 20 years ago; you will be in mine 20 years from now.  It never gets better - only worse.  This has been proven reliably from thousands of stories here and in the prior forum.

W was asexual from the beginning, but I didn't have any concept of it. I figured I was doing something wrong when the intimacy didn't pick up after we married and moved in together. (We both lived at home while dating, so I naturally assumed intimacy would become much better once we had our own place.)

Not knowing asexuality was even possible (and back in the Dark Ages before Google), I spent two decades trying to fix myself to be more appealing to her.  Had I known then what the future held, I would have saved us both a lot of misery.  I've now had 25 years of sexual frustration, missed out on hundreds and hundreds of deeply intimate opportunities (and thousands more sexual moments); and she's had to endure 25 years of my frustration and unwanted sexual desires.

And it's so much more than missing sex.  You can read the stories here to understand how this will eat at your soul and destroy your self-esteem.  The craving for intimacy will become a tremendous distraction that will affect every facet of your life.  25 years later, I'm still not used to it - I'll never be used to it.

From my vantage point -- especially if you don't have kids yet -- you would do both parties a great favor by killing this swiftly and pursuing a fresh start to life.  You're young enough that you can both find new love and live a happy, fulfilled life together.  By denying the issue, you're not really protecting her by martyring yourself - you're actually depriving her of ever having a compatible partner.  And the longer you let it go, the deeper you will become entrenched with children, finances, etc. and the uglier it gets to make a change.


Now, you'll get a lot of blunt advice here.  I would suggest you consider some relevant facts... we only know what you tell us, so you're the only one with the whole picture, including all the twists and kinks in the timeline.  However... there are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes, and we have a high degree of confidence in how it's going to play out.  And we are not mired in your details, so it's easier for us to have a broader perspective - which I'll argue is also more objective, though experience has also taught us to be very biased about the options.

So, move at your own pace, but take to heart the advice you get here, and don't ignore the urgency we prod you to.  A great many of us wish we'd had someone to give us the same advice all those years ago.

DC