Sex needs to be addressed during counseling
Dec 17, 2022 14:32:04 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 17, 2022 14:32:04 GMT -5
medium.com/@drpsychmom/sex-needs-to-be-worked-on-at-the-same-time-as-emotional-issues-in-couples-counseling-9ecb5bdb01c3
Sex Needs To Be Worked On AT THE SAME TIME As Emotional Issues In Couples Counseling
Many couples therapists assume that if emotional issues are hashed out, like communication and trust or even division of household tasks, then the happier couple will then have a better sex life.
This magical result doesn’t happen in the vast majority of cases, because once the communication is better and the woman feels closer she STILL doesn’t want sex (because women’s libido within monogamy tanks).
In this vicious cycle, she then she assumes her husband still isn’t sensitive enough or they need even MORE couples counseling before she will somehow magically get into the mood for sex.
Sex never gets directly addressed and worked on concretely, all because of the fallacy that emotional closeness universally increases sex drive in women. Read more here.
The real link between emotional closeness and sex is that if the lower libido partner feels closer, they are much more likely to get into the headspace of trying to work on the sex life, and are more willing to try to have sex.
As women have responsive desire, they cannot often get turned on at all until sex starts. If they are so resentful toward their partner that they are unwilling to even try to kiss them or lay down together, their desire may lie dormant forever.
They will never be “in the mood” because women often don’t work this way, and will blame the man’s behavior for this, versus their own biology.
When I work with couples on sex concurrently with emotional issues, both the higher- and lower-libido partners are equally invested in therapy. This is in stark contrast to the situation where the less verbal partner, usually the man, does not have “buy in” and can even hate therapy.
When sex is tackled at the start of couples counseling and is thought of as its own issue deserving of its own focus right from the start, higher libido partners feel validated. This is much different than the situation where many couples counselors focus on emotional closeness to the exclusion or diminution of sex issues, which I discuss here.
Couples need to learn that physical touch is just as important a love language, if not more important, as whatever the other partner’s love language is. The only way for this to become obvious is for sex and touch to receive equal time and focus in couples counseling as emotional closeness of any other type. Here are some ways that sex needs to be shown to be an equal focus immediately within counseling:
Assigning books about sex to be read alongside books about other types of closeness (examples: Come As You Are, Wanting Sex Again, What Do Women Want?)
Psychoeducation about how female desire works within monogamy
Normalizing female sexual response and fantasies or lack thereof
Exploring what has worked and what hasn’t with prior partners
Discussing ways to increase libido
Game planning ways to pragmatically change women’s physiological responses, especially if she is Highly Sensitive
Exploring the possibility of consulting with medical providers about hormone testing/treatment (e.g., testosterone for men and women), as well as changing to medications without sexual side effects (relevant for birth control, antidepressants, and more)
Modeling how to directly discuss sexual issues, something that many couples have never done
Only when sexual issues are addressed alongside emotional issues will the partner who is sexually dissatisfied really engage deeply in therapy.
Progress cannot be made if only the more verbal and less touch-focused partner is validated or heard.
If you and your partner have struggled with feeling vastly different levels of validation and empathy from a more traditional couples counselor, try a different type of therapist.
You need someone who understands the importance of addressing sexual issues and sees that there are reciprocal relationships between sex, communication, trust, and love. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, This Is My Specialty, But If I’m Booked Look For People Who Are Sex Positive And Address Sex Early In Treatment!
Sex Needs To Be Worked On AT THE SAME TIME As Emotional Issues In Couples Counseling
Many couples therapists assume that if emotional issues are hashed out, like communication and trust or even division of household tasks, then the happier couple will then have a better sex life.
This magical result doesn’t happen in the vast majority of cases, because once the communication is better and the woman feels closer she STILL doesn’t want sex (because women’s libido within monogamy tanks).
In this vicious cycle, she then she assumes her husband still isn’t sensitive enough or they need even MORE couples counseling before she will somehow magically get into the mood for sex.
Sex never gets directly addressed and worked on concretely, all because of the fallacy that emotional closeness universally increases sex drive in women. Read more here.
The real link between emotional closeness and sex is that if the lower libido partner feels closer, they are much more likely to get into the headspace of trying to work on the sex life, and are more willing to try to have sex.
As women have responsive desire, they cannot often get turned on at all until sex starts. If they are so resentful toward their partner that they are unwilling to even try to kiss them or lay down together, their desire may lie dormant forever.
They will never be “in the mood” because women often don’t work this way, and will blame the man’s behavior for this, versus their own biology.
When I work with couples on sex concurrently with emotional issues, both the higher- and lower-libido partners are equally invested in therapy. This is in stark contrast to the situation where the less verbal partner, usually the man, does not have “buy in” and can even hate therapy.
When sex is tackled at the start of couples counseling and is thought of as its own issue deserving of its own focus right from the start, higher libido partners feel validated. This is much different than the situation where many couples counselors focus on emotional closeness to the exclusion or diminution of sex issues, which I discuss here.
Couples need to learn that physical touch is just as important a love language, if not more important, as whatever the other partner’s love language is. The only way for this to become obvious is for sex and touch to receive equal time and focus in couples counseling as emotional closeness of any other type. Here are some ways that sex needs to be shown to be an equal focus immediately within counseling:
Assigning books about sex to be read alongside books about other types of closeness (examples: Come As You Are, Wanting Sex Again, What Do Women Want?)
Psychoeducation about how female desire works within monogamy
Normalizing female sexual response and fantasies or lack thereof
Exploring what has worked and what hasn’t with prior partners
Discussing ways to increase libido
Game planning ways to pragmatically change women’s physiological responses, especially if she is Highly Sensitive
Exploring the possibility of consulting with medical providers about hormone testing/treatment (e.g., testosterone for men and women), as well as changing to medications without sexual side effects (relevant for birth control, antidepressants, and more)
Modeling how to directly discuss sexual issues, something that many couples have never done
Only when sexual issues are addressed alongside emotional issues will the partner who is sexually dissatisfied really engage deeply in therapy.
Progress cannot be made if only the more verbal and less touch-focused partner is validated or heard.
If you and your partner have struggled with feeling vastly different levels of validation and empathy from a more traditional couples counselor, try a different type of therapist.
You need someone who understands the importance of addressing sexual issues and sees that there are reciprocal relationships between sex, communication, trust, and love. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, This Is My Specialty, But If I’m Booked Look For People Who Are Sex Positive And Address Sex Early In Treatment!
