Post by baza on Feb 4, 2023 19:59:11 GMT -5
Back when I was young I had a moral position on lots of issues.
I'll write here about the issue(s) of divorce and cheating.
As a young bloke I held a position that divorce was "wrong" and so was cheating, and that I would never do either.
Given that I was in my 20's when I held this position and did not - at that time - even have a girlfriend, let alone a wife, it was an "easy" view to hold. Divorcing / cheating were not on my radar, they were not part of my reality at that time.
Fast forward a decade to me and my reality at that time I was not only married, but also in an ILIASM deal. But still tenaciously hanging on to a decades old position that divorce and cheating were wrong.
It was a time of great confusion and unhappiness for me.
Add on another decade, to my 40's, and I started to question my decades long position on divorce / cheating. That was a real tough time trying to make sense of it all. And my progress was glacial. I wrestled with this into my 50's as my marriage continued to tank and make us both unhappy.
In my mid 50's I had a bit of a breakthrough, realising that I "could" - theoretically - divorce / cheat if I chose to.
But, I did not go down that path at that time. It was a bridge too far for me so I spent several further years wrestling with this dilemma as my ILIASM deal fell further into the hole.
Anyway, at age 57, I had had more than enough and I divorced.
Something me - in my 20's - said I'd never do.
The sky did not fall down.
Technically you could say I cheated too during the period between when I left and when we divorced.
Fast forward to today another decade on, I have no regrets about what I did.
But I'd have to say that challenging my views on divorce / cheating was some of the most upsetting and difficult internal wrestling I ever did and it took me years (decades) to make the break.
What I learned out of all this was that any vows / moral positions / choices one holds needs to be based on todays facts.
It is not a good idea at age 56 to make your choices based on what your situation was at 26. You can waste a lot of years doing that.
I'll write here about the issue(s) of divorce and cheating.
As a young bloke I held a position that divorce was "wrong" and so was cheating, and that I would never do either.
Given that I was in my 20's when I held this position and did not - at that time - even have a girlfriend, let alone a wife, it was an "easy" view to hold. Divorcing / cheating were not on my radar, they were not part of my reality at that time.
Fast forward a decade to me and my reality at that time I was not only married, but also in an ILIASM deal. But still tenaciously hanging on to a decades old position that divorce and cheating were wrong.
It was a time of great confusion and unhappiness for me.
Add on another decade, to my 40's, and I started to question my decades long position on divorce / cheating. That was a real tough time trying to make sense of it all. And my progress was glacial. I wrestled with this into my 50's as my marriage continued to tank and make us both unhappy.
In my mid 50's I had a bit of a breakthrough, realising that I "could" - theoretically - divorce / cheat if I chose to.
But, I did not go down that path at that time. It was a bridge too far for me so I spent several further years wrestling with this dilemma as my ILIASM deal fell further into the hole.
Anyway, at age 57, I had had more than enough and I divorced.
Something me - in my 20's - said I'd never do.
The sky did not fall down.
Technically you could say I cheated too during the period between when I left and when we divorced.
Fast forward to today another decade on, I have no regrets about what I did.
But I'd have to say that challenging my views on divorce / cheating was some of the most upsetting and difficult internal wrestling I ever did and it took me years (decades) to make the break.
What I learned out of all this was that any vows / moral positions / choices one holds needs to be based on todays facts.
It is not a good idea at age 56 to make your choices based on what your situation was at 26. You can waste a lot of years doing that.
