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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 5, 2022 3:12:09 GMT -5
I decided to write tonight in the I am staying thread...
I am having one of many sleepless nights and while popping around on here via phone I noticed the registered since data. I been registered since 2016, 6 years here so far. It's pretty disheartening. I keep thinking I won't make it through this but one day turns into one year then it's 6....
I been married 28 years last July. Sexless in marriage since 2012/2010?
I don't know why we stay. All that idealism of youth and proper religious upbringing but for what? The kids are probably the best thing that came out of this.
The holidays are coming. Something I once loved is now something I dread. In the moment I will be happy but on the way to that moment not so much. I truly just want to live differently... not sure there's a way to do that but I think about it.
So, for those who come here asking how we stay... this is it. One day turning into the next. Mostly I just wish I could tell new people, your worth so much more. Your life and happiness have value, so go find it!
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2022 5:18:18 GMT -5
sweetplumeria: " I truly just want to live differently... not sure there's a way to do that but I think about it."
Have you considered individual therapy? That's what helped me get the courage to take responsibility for my own happiness.
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Post by h on Dec 5, 2022 7:42:18 GMT -5
Holidays are the worst for me. I used to love them but started to dislike them more and more as the years of sexless marriage went on. I hate Christmas most of all and I think it may be somehow related to how much my wife loves Christmas as her favorite holiday. Maybe it's unrelated or just amplifies the effect for me.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 5, 2022 7:59:09 GMT -5
sweetplumeria I wish we could love this instead of just like it. Seems like most people take a long time getting out. I was one of them, you are exactly right, as hard as staying is making the change is even harder or at least feels that way looking at it from the couch in the home you made. Every holiday, anniversary, season just reminded me that time is passing but I had made no change. I finally got out but it literally was like taking the first step off the cliff with my eyes closed hoping for best. Things turned out well and I'm happy but it makes me sad to think of all the time I wasted. But it does no good to live in what ifs.. While I told everyone I knew I was on my way out and in here that I was working my exit plan( I was) my head often questioned my heart if I was really on my way out or just telling myself that to make me feel better. That being said it's like doing a marathon more about getting to the finish line than the speed. I was married 35 years. I decided I was done in 2008 and left in 2017. Never give up hope.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Dec 5, 2022 10:52:00 GMT -5
I going on 25 years married. Statistically sexless for about 11. Completely sexless for 2.5
I am back and forth on divorce but mostly trending towards it.
When to pull that trigger is another matter. I want to be close to my kids at least for a few more years... 8 years at the most but would be happy with 5 more years. She is in agreement for now.
I don't see our situation changing for the better. We are too apart on many issues. Even so, she is a good woman. Just not a suitable life partner for me. And that says more about me than her if Im very honest.
The kids are the best thing to come out of this. We have great kids.
In my case there are so many other complicating factors outside the marriage that have made things increasingly complicated. Sometimes the easy road would be to say fuck it and start all over. That would be best for my sanity. But what weighs on me is what would that do to my kids? I know kids are resilient and they'll bounce back. But I don't know how I feel about putting them through that. So I put divorce/separation off "a few more years".
The funny thing is if finances were not an issue, I probably would get divorced. I would buy myself an apartment close by and live separate lives but still close to my family. That way, my kids lives would not be impacted (hobbies, schools, friends). The challenge is, as it stands, I cannot afford to maintain two households. So with my wife's cooperation, we agree to stay together.
Not trying to hijack your thread, but wanted to let you know that you have company. 🙃
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Post by blunder8 on Dec 5, 2022 11:41:28 GMT -5
"So, for those who come here asking how we stay... this is it. One day turning into the next."
Those words ring so true. In three weeks we mark 37 years of marriage, about the last 30 meeting the sexless marriage definition.
I admire your efforts to at least weigh and consider the exit option. I got too buried in the day-to-day tasks of kids, work, and other obligations to look after my own well being and didn't consider options. I just lived in despair.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. Much strength to you and thanks for shining light.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 5, 2022 20:38:32 GMT -5
"...The funny thing is if finances were not an issue, I probably would get divorced. I would buy myself an apartment close by and live separate lives but still close to my family. " I find this highly relatable. If I could I would do the same. I don't like the lifestyle my H has chosen. He is not respectful of anyone else in terms of shared space and living habits. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 5, 2022 20:41:06 GMT -5
I don't feel hijacked by anyone. Our lives are challenging and we are supporting each other through it. It's admirable really.
Thanks everyone for the ongoing support. It's been a lifesaver!
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 6, 2022 6:25:21 GMT -5
sweetplumeria I wish we could love this instead of just like it. Seems like most people take a long time getting out. I was one of them, you are exactly right, as hard as staying is making the change is even harder or at least feels that way looking at it from the couch in the home you made. Every holiday, anniversary, season just reminded me that time is passing but I had made no change. I finally got out but it literally was like taking the first step off the cliff with my eyes closed hoping for best. Things turned out well and I'm happy but it makes me sad to think of all the time I wasted. But it does no good to live in what ifs.. While I told everyone I knew I was on my way out and in here that I was working my exit plan( I was) my head often questioned my heart if I was really on my way out or just telling myself that to make me feel better. That being said it's like doing a marathon more about getting to the finish line than the speed. I was married 35 years. I decided I was done in 2008 and left in 2017. Never give up hope. Can you recall some of the delays during those nine years? Red herrings? Resets? False hope? Momentary good times that led you to "give it one more try"? I'm curious if there's a way to recognize "hopium" and distinguish it from actual promising shifts in marriages. For that matter, what were some "deal-breakers" that set you on course for leaving, but those events were dismissed or fizzled. What made teh initiative go away? Did it fade, or was there a reversal of sorts? I recall a post, I think where outsourcing was ruled out because you wanted to live with whoever your lover was going to be. You wanted "the whole package". How important was that to the leaving process? |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 6, 2022 11:05:48 GMT -5
@mirrorchild
What took the longest was paying off debt. I did outsource and also started basically living the roommate style. Going out with my friends, not vacationing together which made me temporarily content. There was no reset sex I wouldn't allow it I was done with the marriage. I was also dealing with a troubled young adult son that didn't get along with his father and I really didn't want to take him with me or he would never leave the nest. Then I got an affair partner that I fell in love with and that made me unhappy with the constraints our marriages put on us. The bills were paid off and my son moved out. So I finally just took the leap.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 9, 2023 2:33:42 GMT -5
Not trying to hijack your thread, but wanted to let you know that you have company. 🙃 I don't feel hijacked at all. I likes your phrase trending towards. That's really the crux of it maybe... I feel really guilty about not being more positive in this staying thread. I guess maybe I want others to know... you can stay, I am proof, you are proof. But the personal cost for that choice is extremely high. I was pretty depressed and worried some with one of my posts not too long ago and that was not my intention at all. I write it here now because as someone else makes there decisions I just hope they consider themselves as important. Our needs for physical affection and all that comes with it are important. You, the sexless ones are important. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 9, 2023 2:57:35 GMT -5
sweetplumeria I wish we could love this instead of just like it. Seems like most people take a long time getting out. I was one of them, you are exactly right, as hard as staying is making the change is even harder or at least feels that way looking at it from the couch in the home you made. Every holiday, anniversary, season just reminded me that time is passing but I had made no change. I finally got out but it literally was like taking the first step off the cliff with my eyes closed hoping for best. Things turned out well and I'm happy but it makes me sad to think of all the time I wasted. But it does no good to live in what ifs.. While I told everyone I knew I was on my way out and in here that I was working my exit plan( I was) my head often questioned my heart if I was really on my way out or just telling myself that to make me feel better. That being said it's like doing a marathon more about getting to the finish line than the speed. I was married 35 years. I decided I was done in 2008 and left in 2017. Never give up hope. Can you recall some of he delays during those nine years? Red herrings? Resets? False hope? Momentary good times that led you to "give it one more try"? I'm curious if there's a way to recognize "hopium" and distinguish it from actual promising shifts in marriages. For that matter, what were some "deal-breakers" that set you on course for leaving, but those events were dismissed or fizzled. What made teh initiative go away? Did it fade, or was there a reversal of sorts? I recall a post, I think where outsourcing was ruled out because you wanted to live with whoever your lover was going to be. You wanted "the whole package". How important was that to the leaving process? Hopium--- that's a classic. I love it! If I were to offer concrete advice to a newbie I would say keep a record for yourself so that if the other person was gaslighting you, you have something tangible and real. Not to use as ammunition but rather to use as your own guide at assessing the other person's behavior. Did they follow through? How long does it last? Are there any patterns? In truth it was always my intent to stay but now I am after several deal breakers... Some where in ILIASM I was reading about 'to have and to hold'. I would like to suggest that if our partners are willing to break that vow (no one capitalizes on this part, they broke the vow by not having or holding us but our shame keeps us in the closet) They are willing to break other vows as well. I would like to present to the ILIASM court case broken foot. I broke my foot in 2015. I was non weight bearing for 3 month. Just take a minute and imagine your life randomly coming to a full stop. Imagine your partner who is supposed to love you in sickness and in health, not only resents taking care of you on any level but also takes the opportunity to say things like 'you broke your foot because your fat'. Wether that is true or not (it's not by the way, I landed on concrete falling down some stairs) the in sickness and in health vow should be invoked at this juncture right? I was very vulnerable during that time and I felt very isolated and alone. I was condemned by my partner and it was the ultimate betrayal for me. Most people think affairs are, I know I did until this point in my marriage. I learned I can't count on him on a level most people would be appalled at. Suffice it to say if you can't get around well and your spouse as Co leader of the household allows/encourages/supports the kitchen to become so cluttered on the floor with dirty dishes that you can not navigate it to make meals for yourself and said partner also resents anything considered taking care of you and in the presence of children acts really nice but when the house is empty verbally digs the knife in... well this is how you get angry and jaded and question staying. So my friends, don't forget who actually broke a vow because it might not have been you. |
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2023 20:52:36 GMT -5
I think this 'broken vows' thing is way overplayed.
The fact is (in my jurisdiction) there is no law that says you must make vows when marrying, or if you did, there is no law compelling you to stick to them.
You may break vows (if you made any back in the day) whenever you like, and for whatever reason you like ... or for no reason at all.
The sky isn't going to fall if this (breaking a vow you made years ago) is what you end up choosing to do.
It isn't a matter of "morals". It is a matter of "choice".
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Post by heelots on Feb 4, 2023 12:58:59 GMT -5
I think this 'broken vows' thing is way overplayed. The fact is (in my jurisdiction) there is no law that says you must make vows when marrying, or if you did, there is no law compelling you to stick to them. You may break vows (if you made any back in the day) whenever you like, and for whatever reason you like ... or for no reason at all. The sky isn't going to fall if this (breaking a vow you made years ago) is what you end up choosing to do. It isn't a matter of "morals". It is a matter of "choice". I would disagree, for some people virtually everything they do in life is defined by morals. If that is a part of ones makeup morals are central to who they are. If others have not been raised that way, simply put, they cannot relate to that. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 4, 2023 16:25:03 GMT -5
heelots: "
I would disagree, for some people virtually everything they do in life is defined by morals. If that is a part of ones makeup morals are central to who they are. If others have not been raised that way, simply put, they cannot relate to that."
Ethics (what you may call "morals") helps govern most people's lives. Still, many people live by different ethics than how they were raised. Some choose to do it because they see the flaws in the ethics they were taught.
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