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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 10:34:43 GMT -5
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jun 8, 2016 10:59:42 GMT -5
Wow! Great post! It's a gold mine of an example of how it feels to be in this situation.
To me, it's like missing a limb. You may be missing a leg, but everything else about your body is perfectly healthy. In the world of literally missing a leg... well there's only so much that modern science can do to help replace that missing part of you. In the case of a literal missing leg, you kind of HAVE to accept the reality that you can't truly replace that part of you. In that circumstance, then yes, I believe one SHOULD focus on the positive and accept things as is and be happy that the rest of your body is in working order.
Now, here's a twist. What if you were literally missing a limb... and you lived in a magic fantasy world where your partner had the power to give you your leg back... but they refused to. ...instead they kept telling you that you SHOULD be happy that the rest of you is in good health. That's quite a different predicament.
Imagine as well, that you could reclaim your own literal missing leg in this magic fantasy land by leaving your partner.
...that's what it feels like to me.
You are not whole. A part of you is missing. You SHOULD be upset about that. Especially since your partner has the power to make you whole. ...and especially since your partner implicitly promised to keep you whole when he said his vows.
It's a slippery slope when deciding when you can be content given the situation and when you feel that you deserve better. Staying positive and looking at the good parts of your life are good things, but if done to the extreme can knock the legs right out from under you. I think we all know the struggle all too well.
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Post by ggold on Jun 8, 2016 11:08:22 GMT -5
You aren't me. And it's different for you, I know. I'm gonna share this post anyway, to vent and relate, with the intent of providing or receiving that glimmer of hope just a moment of "I get it" can sometimes bring. Shoot, you might just "get lucky" tonight! (And I hope you do.) On the Defensive: I don't have delusions that I'm perfect, or even that I'm good at marriage. I am a woman; I have good and bad womanly traits, just like the rest. I am a person; I am just as annoying and full of good intentions as anyone else. But I do try and work on my flaws as they come up, best I can. I am enlightened enough to realize he, too, is working at life in his way. I openly discuss things with him, so he is not in the dark about any of this. HIM: “If you love someone, sex shouldn’t be the only thing that matters.” AND he’s right, kinda... Because there’s a little bit more to it, no? There’s that shared connection, the heightened senses, blood pumping wild and hot, heads high with excitement and anticipation. Your priorities and worries disappearing temporarily! You know, what once made the two of you feel fully alive, together. Now you aren’t allowed to, can't shouldn’t have that again -- Not with him, her or anyone else! I know my guy is still a "great" person in many, many ways (you know...he holds the door for old ladies, works, we have our inside jokes that can still make either of us laugh. He’d share his food, money, house with me.) And I love that for/about him. He tells me all the time how lucky I am and how I should be happy. "A lot of girls get beat on, their men barely/if ever come home or most cheat, ya know? You don't have it as bad as you think." AND he's right -- I can't freakin disagree with that! In a lot of ways I am pretty lucky. I should be happy content. However, my lip curls up with disgust listening to him cheerfully going about his business, while a cloud of mind-f*ck lingers above my every moment. I can't stop the tears from over-filling my eyes as I remember the feeling of being truly held or kissed or wanted. And I can't un-hear his scolding sigh of disgust in response to the sound of my muffled, uncontrollable sniffling, as I cry myself to sleep knowing I’ll have the bed all to myself soon enough. Ya know, (as I've been taking the steps to move on) he's attempted to initiate quite a few times lately (nothing to get excited about) and honestly all of those years, the rejection and confusion, the unresolved discussions, the distance and hurt have turned the tables -- I just can't. I've found myself wanting to withhold even the "required" see you later/goodnight kiss, but I deeply care for him and couldn't shouldn't do that to him. Your moving words express my feelings as well. This is my struggle. On the surface, I should be happy. Others do have it so much worse. I am lucky in many ways. Yet, a large piece of who I am as a woman has been chipped away because of my husband's refusal all of these years. I am now trying to put the pieces back together and rediscover myself. This is something I should have done a long time ago. Thinking of you! (hugs) |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2016 11:15:56 GMT -5
Great post and so heartfelt. I can relate to most of what you wrote. I cried a lot too. Not in front of him though.
You wrote that he said:
HIM: “If you love someone, sex shouldn’t be the only thing that matters.”
He can go with that philosophy and I think to some extent we the refused do as well, HOWEVER:
He can rest assured that eventually you WON'T love him anymore.
Romantic love is different than the love we have for our children and our parents. Romantic love is perishable.
That's a might big gamble he's willing to take by taking you for granted and every action or inaction has consequences eventually.
My love for my husband was SO BIG!
Eventually I had nothing for him which he caused.
Find your happiness. Hugs.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 8, 2016 12:24:16 GMT -5
If a man ever tells me I should be grateful he is not a beater or a cheater - - I hope to god that I spare not a minute kicking his ass to the curb. WHAT? I should be glad he does not beat me? Seriously. I am glad mine never tried this tactic. I would have beaten him about the head & neck myself. What an ass. (Sorry - - I do understand, sort of. I mean - I remember. And I do empathize. Kind of. But I have to say it: RUN, ethereal - please run for your life!)
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jun 8, 2016 12:28:40 GMT -5
If a man ever tells me I should be grateful he is not a beater or a cheater - - I hope to god that I spare not a minute kicking his ass to the curb. WHAT? I should be glad he does not beat me? Seriously. I am glad mine never tried this tactic. I would have beaten him about the head & neck myself. What an ass. (Sorry - - I do understand, sort of. I mean - I remember. And I do empathize. Kind of. But I have to say it: RUN, ethereal - please run for your life!) Actually, that's pretty spot on. Good point! That's like someone wanting a reward every day for not robbing the bank they pass on the way to work. It's something every decent human being avoids doing... because ...well, they are decent. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 8, 2016 16:21:44 GMT -5
Hate to tell you, but your guy sounds like a first rate manipulative asshole, possibly a clinical sociopath or at least a narcissist. Who hears a person they supposedly love cry herself to sleep and is disgusted??? A person who lacks empathy has serious mental issues and is not someone who is ever going to even consider your needs. What's next, he starts hitting you and then says you have it lucky because at least he's not kicking you too? He's testing you to see how little you will settle for, and he's enjoying lowering the bar farther and farther. That's sadism, not love. I would seriously try talking to a good therapist if you haven't already. In the meantime, maybe this will help: lonerwolf.com/emotional-abuse/ |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 8, 2016 16:50:16 GMT -5
However, my lip curls up with disgust listening to him cheerfully going about his business, while a cloud of mind-f*ck lingers above my every moment. I can't stop the tears from over-filling my eyes as I remember the feeling of being truly held or kissed or wanted. And I can't un-hear his scolding sigh of disgust in response to the sound of my muffled, uncontrollable sniffling, as I cry myself to sleep knowing I’ll have the bed all to myself soon enough. Ya know, (as I've been taking the steps to move on) he's attempted to initiate quite a few times lately (nothing to get excited about) and honestly all of those years, the rejection and confusion, the unresolved discussions, the distance and hurt have turned the tables -- I just can't. I've found myself wanting to withhold even the "required" see you later/goodnight kiss, but I deeply care for him and couldn't shouldn't do that to him. I've heard the same as to how good I have it. All the things you state about him being decent are what make it so tough. and YES a cloud of mind-f*ck lingers as they carry on like all is well. Our spouses are not "bad" people; unfortunately dysfunctional for reasons we nor they can quite understand. But we are sexual creatures. It is actually normal. I did the same as you on vacation last week - she lingered making opportunity to "fool around" in the hotel room but I would not initiate (I always have to). I was guarded - though I wanted to, YES I WANTED TO, but the resentment does grow and we feel the need to maintain some dignity. Through your almost poetic words, I can feel the hugs and affection you are craving and missing. ![]()   |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 8, 2016 17:05:28 GMT -5
On that line of thinking, more "You should be grateful" statements:
"I washed the dishes last week, so you know I help around the house"
"I only kill bad people"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to kill him. I was just trying to maim him"
"I can't believe they won't accept a four-party check!"
"Can't you give me credit for putting my name on the test? I spelled that right"
One of the reasons we get married is to have a steady sex partner. It's part of the deal. I will not go sleep around, get infectious diseases, and father children with other women if you have frequent sex with me. Even the Catholic Church, no friend of the institution of divorce, lists refusing sex as a reason to annul a marriage. Without sex, we're just friends.
You can be grateful that you have a nice guy who pays his bills as your roommate. But you signed up for a marriage. Remember, the "love, honor, and cherish?" Sex is the cherish part.
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 8, 2016 17:19:09 GMT -5
What a catch you have! He doesn't beat on you or cheat!!!!!
Far better than causing you emotional trauma that will take you years to get over. Not giving you a black eye puts him in line for a silver star and a personal White House tour from the pres.
Hell, a guy with no sex drive not cheating is a rare achievement. It has to be so hard beating off all those women and telling them "not tonight, I'm tired." Exceptional willpower I must say.
Thanks to Google translate, I was able to find out what he really was saying: "You can't do better than me."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 23:15:24 GMT -5
If a man ever tells me I should be grateful he is not a beater or a cheater - - I hope to god that I spare not a minute kicking his ass to the curb. WHAT? I should be glad he does not beat me? Seriously. I am glad mine never tried this tactic. I would have beaten him about the head & neck myself. What an ass. (Sorry - - I do understand, sort of. I mean - I remember. And I do empathize. Kind of. But I have to say it: RUN, ethereal - please run for your life!) Yes! This is what I call "race to the bottom gratitude." He doesn't hit me...he's steadily employed....he doesn't do stupid things with our money. Well, guess what? If you didn't have him - if you were single - then you also would not be hit, cheated on, or have your money squandered. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 8, 2016 23:43:15 GMT -5
@ethereal, clearly his argument is stupid. Just because sex isn't the only thing which matters, does NOT mean that it doesn't matter. But what struck me most from your description is that his viewpoint is incredibly superficial. I don't know if he is like that in the rest of his life, but there is zero emotional depth there at all. He is basically saying that just because things are OK means you should be content, and he has no interest whatsoever in understanding you as a person or trying to deal with your emotional needs. Let alone you wanting to grow and blossom in life and make deeper and deeper connections with those you love. And his 'scolding sigh of disgust in response to the sound of my muffled, uncontrollable sniffling, as I cry myself to sleep'? I don't even have words.
You are somebody who needs an emotional relationship. What you have is a shallow friendship.
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Post by baza on Jun 9, 2016 0:24:56 GMT -5
Sure his point of view is bullshit, and has holes in the logic that you could drive a Mack truck through.
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However, as piss weak and illogical as his position is, the end result is that you are still there.
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So from that perspective, his argument is "good enough" to achieve his agenda. To keep you around.
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So far.
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Do you want to win the argument, or resolve the dysfunctional situation ?
And what would you regard as an acceptable resolution ?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 9, 2016 8:16:10 GMT -5
ethereal - on the old site (EP) - one of the reliable commenters often reminded that "it" (that is, the crux of the matter) is not really all about our refusers. The ISSUE is: why do we accept this treatment? Hugs to you, sweet kind-hearted one! I do recommend therapy even though I have had some that are better than others, most were helpful in some way or other for me. Clarifying my own needs and what I would accept for compromise (and then figuring out that even those compromised standards were not being met) helped me a lot and then I got nerve to go. It's not all rainbows & unicorns in my Opposite Land - but there IS hope and that is a brand new renewable resource which had been lost inside the SM.
Good luck navigating!!!
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 9, 2016 12:41:03 GMT -5
Well, guess what? If you didn't have him - if you were single - then you also would not be hit, cheated on, or have your money squandered. EXACTLY!!! Brilliant observation. |
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