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Post by northstarmom on Nov 22, 2022 12:31:53 GMT -5
blunder8: "Question out of ignorance: does no one post a profile with what they want, find others looking for same, and then say "let's communicate and if we match we can send each other a picture"? Are people online really oriented toward a picture first, especially when pictures can be borrowed, heavily edited, or outright fake? OK, i guess i know the answer to that. People looking to get laid need to know their potential partner doesn't have a pointed head, missing teeth, and weigh 400 pounds. (hey, i'm not doing too bad on that criteria)
Cautious and looking for strange online are not things that fit together well. "
I'm guessing that women could be successful at this since women looking online for fwb or hook-ups are in short supply. It's not likely men can do this. Why? Even if she's homely or overweight, any woman who's on-line looking for a fwb or hook-up is going to be deluged with offers from men whose photos she can see. She'd have no reason to waste her time with a man who hasn't even posted a pix. When it comes to married men of mature age -- say, 45 and up-- they are lucky to be able to find a non hooker sex partner on-line. When it comes to married or unmarried women, they can pick and choose. (I think the opposite exists for single mature men and women who are looking for longterm partners. Men have the advantage then because the older people get, the more men are outnumbered by women.)
As I mentioned before, my woman friend, 71, who could pass for a good looking 58, has hook-ups with good looking men in their 40s. Her most recent was a firefighter in his early 40s. She showed me his pix. He could be a model. She doesn't post a picture of herself, just posts a general description and a fake age (58). She likes to pursue men so she looks at men's pictures and messages those whose looks and age appeal to her. She prefers men in their 40s because she says they are more likely than older men to be able to get it up.
When she connects with a man who has a picture up and responds in an interesting way (not with a dick picture or a canned line like, "Hello, Sexy, let's fuck"), she then lets him see her picture. They meet for coffee and conversation and show each other their drivers licenses (so she knows his real name) If his picture misrepresented him, she ends the date quickly without revealing anything about herself. If things go well,at the end, they kiss, and if she feels chemistry, she sets up a meeting at her place for another time. She says she has rejected men she didn't feel chemistry with, but no man has rejected her for that reason. She thinks that chemistry isn't that important to men: availability is. I think that before meeting for sex, she also Googles him to make sure he's not some kind of a criminal.
Frankly, as a woman, all of that is too risky for me. I'd still fear being killed or physically hurt. Thus, if I were looking for an FWB, I'd look for prospects in my in-person activities.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 22, 2022 12:36:10 GMT -5
Super solid insights from northstarmom as always blunder8: "Question out of ignorance: does no one post a profile with what they want, find others looking for same, and then say "let's communicate and if we match we can send each other a picture"? Are people online really oriented toward a picture first, especially when pictures can be borrowed, heavily edited, or outright fake? OK, i guess i know the answer to that. People looking to get laid need to know their potential partner doesn't have a pointed head, missing teeth, and weigh 400 pounds. (hey, i'm not doing too bad on that criteria) Cautious and looking for strange online are not things that fit together well. " I'm guessing that women could be successful at this since women looking online for fwb or hook-ups are in short supply. It's not likely men can do this. Why? Even if she's homely or overweight, any woman who's on-line looking for a fwb or hook-up is going to be deluged with offers from men whose photos she can see. She'd have no reason to waste her time with a man who hasn't even posted a pix. When it comes to married men of mature age -- say, 45 and up-- they are lucky to be able to find a non hooker sex partner on-line. When it comes to married or unmarried women, they can pick and choose. (I think the opposite exists for single mature men and women who are looking for longterm partners. Men have the advantage then because the older people get, the more men are outnumbered by women.) As I mentioned before, my woman friend, 71, who could pass for a good looking 58, has hook-ups with good looking men in their 40s. Her most recent was a firefighter in his early 40s. She showed me his pix. He could be a model. She doesn't post a picture of herself, just posts a general description and a fake age (58). She likes to pursue men so she looks at men's pictures and messages those whose looks and age appeal to her. She prefers men in their 40s because she says they are more likely than older men to be able to get it up. When she connects with a man who has a picture up and responds in an interesting way (not with a dick picture or a canned line like, "Hello, Sexy, let's fuck"), she then lets him see her picture. They meet for coffee and conversation and show each other their drivers licenses (so she knows his real name) If his picture misrepresented him, she ends the date quickly without revealing anything about herself. If things go well,at the end, they kiss, and if she feels chemistry, she sets up a meeting at her place for another time. She says she has rejected men she didn't feel chemistry with, but no man has rejected her for that reason. She thinks that chemistry isn't that important to men: availability is. I think that before meeting for sex, she also Googles him to make sure he's not some kind of a criminal. Frankly, as a woman, all of that is too risky for me. I'd still fear being killed or physically hurt. Thus, if I were looking for an FWB, I'd look for prospects in my in-person activities. |
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Post by casual777 on Nov 22, 2022 17:39:14 GMT -5
I use one website and I have met a number of women on it who are repeat meets
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 22, 2022 18:36:02 GMT -5
casual777: I'm sure some men here could benefit from hearing your tips.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 24, 2022 6:54:28 GMT -5
Thanks. Good advice. I have a separate email account set up that i only open up in incognito mode. Online seems like an uphill climb for a married guy in his upper 50s. Yo, tiger. Have you done anything yet with Baza's advice? Have you made a will? Not because you're going to get killed for your booty call; because it's a good pretext for assembling a list of assets if your wife pulls the pin on the grenade. Also, it's smart to have one anyway, if things work out okay. I've mentioned before, I posted a profile on OKcupid that specified to the algorithm that I was married and only wanted married women to see my profile. (no other site offers this, as far as I know) Then I put my location 51 miles away from the location where my wife's friends (and most of mine) live. Search radii go out 50 miles, so anyone looking is only going to get your pic if they go out 100 miles. That's a lot of profiles to sift through and your odds of being spotted by an acquaintance of yours or hers plummet. I got two dates without too much effort, one of them quite clearly DTF. (but wanted emotional/mental connection too, as did I) That said, once you're prepared for impact by consulting a lawyer, having a will, having a good idea where you'll live next... might you consider telling her you're going to do this three months from now if there's no movement towards restoring an intimate marriage? Being cautious and finding strange, as you noted, is dicey. So drop the part about caution. You can include your wife in the where, how, and who, if she likes, and needs you to be subtle. You can use the same 51 miles method to keep it discreet so your wife doesn't have to answer uncomfortable questions. If she threatens divorce, then you can decide to sneak around or maybe pull the pin yourself. (or she might before you do) If she makes this threat, she doesn't just not want sex. She wants you to be celibate. That's why I don't recommend "asking". She'll think answering "No" means you're agreeing to be celibate. If you're okay sneaking, this is okay; the big disadvantage is, she'll likely be watching you like a hawk from then on. Or maybe she doesn't actually care and she just wants plausible deniability. Take home message: have you done the legal part yet? Defy the Baza at your peril! |
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 24, 2022 10:02:14 GMT -5
"Have you made a will?
Not because you're going to get killed for your booty call; because it's a good pretext for assembling a list of assets if your wife pulls the pin on the grenade.
Also, it's smart to have one anyway, if things work out okay."
Yes, made a will some years back, and a special needs trust for our now adult son. I need to revisit both documents but the framework is in place.
Regarding the subject, I'll update again soon.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 27, 2022 3:44:17 GMT -5
Take home message: have you done the legal part yet? Defy the Baza at your peril!
[/quote]
OMG, Mirror I love this! Don't defy the Baza...
We need a separate thread for "How Baza's advice panned out for me"
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Post by blujay on Jan 2, 2023 0:09:21 GMT -5
Hello! I am a 51 yo woman in a sexless and affectionless marriage and I've seriously considered cheating, belive it's completely justified because yes, I did sign up for monogamy, but not for celibacy, but after much research, I've decided it is not for me.
Because I've done a lot of research, however, I can point out some resources. Go on reddit on r/adultery. It's a lot of information from people who are actively cheating and not being caught. Buy a book published by someone called Teresa Conway. It teaches you how to cheat without being caught, where to find sex partners, all of it, everything you need to know. She and I think a friend of hers, who has a Medium account called "monalisasmiled" also help set up Ashley Madison (and probably also OKStupid and others) profiles for men, and help men in sexless marriages find affair partners. They have a very good resource on Medium, called "Adultery Academy". Read on this for several days to understand all you need to know if you do choose to cheat.
After reading everything possible on it, my reasons for making the "no cheat" decision have to do with how difficult seems to be, even if I am a woman. You need to be super good at OPSEC (cheaters language-operation security-how to hide your affair), which seems like a LOT of work. BTW, if you do go on Ashley Madison, it is not recommended you show your face in the pictures. OPSEC 101 apparently.
Married women don't just look for sex, they are also missing the affection and connection, so they want to have a relationship with an affair partner, not just one night stands. You have a higher chance if you also want something regular and some connection. They aren't looking to divorce either. Reading on it, I personally realized that it is exactly like regular dating, which I've done online and did not enjoy, but so much more dangerous, hard to cover so it doesn't blow up your life, and you end up hurting because all of these affairs eventually end and you still can never have your happily ever after. The one piece of information that convinced me was when one of the authors mentioned she went on dates with 30 men until she found her affair partner. 30 dates ? No thank you! Do NOT date single women, if you want to stay married, that is. They can blow up your marriage if they get upset.
Last but not least, you'll have to constantly lie. I just can't do that, it's not congruent with who I am. I couldn't go on dates with 30 men and lie about it, and then have n get togethers and a relationship and then just go home and lie. You'll need to lie not just to your spouse, but to everyone in your life, friends, coworkers, children, family members. If you are good at OPSEC you have to not tell a soul. Nobody will congratulate you on your affair and everyone will think you are the worst human being. You can't tell anyone about your relationship with your affair partner, your struggles, your pain when they fade or ghost etc. I personally can't do any of it, but I recommend you look into all of the implications and if you are up for it do it. But don't do it haphazardly, don't get caught because your life will blow up. Good luck!
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Post by blunder8 on Jan 2, 2023 12:22:43 GMT -5
Hello! I am a 51 yo woman in a sexless and affectionless marriage and I've seriously considered cheating, belive it's completely justified because yes, I did sign up for monogamy, but not for celibacy, but after much research, I've decided it is not for me. Because I've done a lot of research, however, I can point out some resources. Go on reddit on r/adultery. It's a lot of information from people who are actively cheating and not being caught. Buy a book published by someone called Teresa Conway. It teaches you how to cheat without being caught, where to find sex partners, all of it, everything you need to know. She and I think a friend of hers, who has a Medium account called "monalisasmiled" also help set up Ashley Madison (and probably also OKStupid and others) profiles for men, and help men in sexless marriages find affair partners. They have a very good resource on Medium, called "Adultery Academy". Read on this for several days to understand all you need to know if you do choose to cheat. After reading everything possible on it, my reasons for making the "no cheat" decision have to do with how difficult seems to be, even if I am a woman. You need to be super good at OPSEC (cheaters language-operation security-how to hide your affair), which seems like a LOT of work. BTW, if you do go on Ashley Madison, it is not recommended you show your face in the pictures. OPSEC 101 apparently. Married women don't just look for sex, they are also missing the affection and connection, so they want to have a relationship with an affair partner, not just one night stands. You have a higher chance if you also want something regular and some connection. They aren't looking to divorce either. Reading on it, I personally realized that it is exactly like regular dating, which I've done online and did not enjoy, but so much more dangerous, hard to cover so it doesn't blow up your life, and you end up hurting because all of these affairs eventually end and you still can never have your happily ever after. The one piece of information that convinced me was when one of the authors mentioned she went on dates with 30 men until she found her affair partner. 30 dates ? No thank you! Do NOT date single women, if you want to stay married, that is. They can blow up your marriage if they get upset. Last but not least, you'll have to constantly lie. I just can't do that, it's not congruent with who I am. I couldn't go on dates with 30 men and lie about it, and then have n get togethers and a relationship and then just go home and lie. You'll need to lie not just to your spouse, but to everyone in your life, friends, coworkers, children, family members. If you are good at OPSEC you have to not tell a soul. Nobody will congratulate you on your affair and everyone will think you are the worst human being. You can't tell anyone about your relationship with your affair partner, your struggles, your pain when they fade or ghost etc. I personally can't do any of it, but I recommend you look into all of the implications and if you are up for it do it. But don't do it haphazardly, don't get caught because your life will blow up. Good luck! Thanks for the advice. As it turns out, I've done a 180 and no longer am looking to outsource. My marriage is on an unexpected, but thrilling rebound (praying and working to make it lasting). I did try out a profile on AFF briefly. Simply put, it's no place for a married late 50s guy. I chatted briefly with three women. The stories from these interactions are funny as hell and maybe a good post for a future thread. Together with these funny, but futile attempts and the stunning rally in my marriage, I'm no longer looking for online adventure. |
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Post by blujay on Jan 2, 2023 12:37:31 GMT -5
Glad to hear, congratulations on your rebound! It's nice to know it is possible.
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Post by blunder8 on Jan 2, 2023 14:32:33 GMT -5
Glad to hear, congratulations on your rebound! It's nice to know it is possible. Thanks. I feel like a newborn colt, on shaky legs. I'm also careful not to pretend I have some kind of magic cure. I don't. My refuser/adversary has turned around. I'm very lucky. But I also lived the neglected life for decades. I'm happy to offer help to others if I can. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 3, 2023 7:16:41 GMT -5
Glad to hear, congratulations on your rebound! It's nice to know it is possible. Thanks. I feel like a newborn colt, on shaky legs. I'm also careful not to pretend I have some kind of magic cure. I don't. My refuser/adversary has turned around. I'm very lucky. But I also lived the neglected life for decades. I'm happy to offer help to others if I can. On a different thread, can we compare notes? Sexless marriages in remission are exceedingly rare. I'm curious what ours may have in common. It may let others know if their SM is a good turnaround candidate. How long has your reset been? (Reply in the new thread?) P.S. Just gotta remind readers of this thread that seeking a FWB need not involve secrecy/lying. Opening your marriage unilaterally simplifies your quest, though Baza rightly points out that just saying you're going to outsource can trigger your partner filing for divorce, so Obey the Baza. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 3, 2023 8:53:42 GMT -5
I'm guessing that women could be successful at this since women looking online for fwb or hook-ups are in short supply. It's not likely men can do this. Why? Even if she's homely or overweight, any woman who's on-line looking for a fwb or hook-up is going to be deluged with offers from men whose photos she can see. She'd have no reason to waste her time with a man who hasn't even posted a pix. When it comes to married men of mature age -- say, 45 and up-- they are lucky to be able to find a non hooker sex partner on-line. When it comes to married or unmarried women, they can pick and choose. (I think the opposite exists for single mature men and women who are looking for longterm partners. Men have the advantage then because the older people get, the more men are outnumbered by women.) As I mentioned before, my woman friend, 71, who could pass for a good looking 58, has hook-ups with good looking men in their 40s. Her most recent was a firefighter in his early 40s. She showed me his pix. He could be a model. She doesn't post a picture of herself, just posts a general description and a fake age (58). She likes to pursue men so she looks at men's pictures and messages those whose looks and age appeal to her. She prefers men in their 40s because she says they are more likely than older men to be able to get it up. When she connects with a man who has a picture up and responds in an interesting way (not with a dick picture or a canned line like, "Hello, Sexy, let's fuck"), she then lets him see her picture. They meet for coffee and conversation and show each other their drivers licenses (so she knows his real name) If his picture misrepresented him, she ends the date quickly without revealing anything about herself. If things go well,at the end, they kiss, and if she feels chemistry, she sets up a meeting at her place for another time. She says she has rejected men she didn't feel chemistry with, but no man has rejected her for that reason. She thinks that chemistry isn't that important to men: availability is. I think that before meeting for sex, she also Googles him to make sure he's not some kind of a criminal. I take exception to your 1st paragraph above. And I think your paragraphs following the 1st support me. My experience this last year with women in my age demographic has been telling me that their main interest is just dating and having a nice platonic friendship as their immediate goal on a dating site. Those few who are interested in an intimate relationship are likely to pick a younger male since he is more likely to have the sexual stamina she is looking for. And as you and others have noted a woman who is still sexually active after age 60 can have her pick of men, as there are far greater numbers of men pursuing sex than women offering it. I have concluded that ratios have little relevance in the online dating world. Even if women far outnumber men in my age demographic, it is meaningless if the women are not interested in intimacy or if they are they choose to go with a younger male. Your friend is an excellent example. So I have gone back to looking for opportunity in the real world. Not only does it cut down on wasted effort in trying to contact and initiate a conversation via electronic means. It provides immediate results, either positive or negative. One knows right away if a woman is interest in more than being pen pals. My advice to a mature or senior member is to take advantage of the opportunities that come his/her way when out and about or when shopping. That seems to be what works the best for me. Of course, YMMV. |
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Post by blunder8 on Jan 3, 2023 9:14:01 GMT -5
Thanks. I feel like a newborn colt, on shaky legs. I'm also careful not to pretend I have some kind of magic cure. I don't. My refuser/adversary has turned around. I'm very lucky. But I also lived the neglected life for decades. I'm happy to offer help to others if I can. On a different thread, can we compare notes? Sexless marriages in remission are exceedingly rare. I'm curious what ours may have in common. It may let others know if their SM is a good turnaround candidate. How long has your reset been? (Reply in the new thread?) P.S. Just gotta remind readers of this thread that seeking a FWB need not involve secrecy/lying. Opening your marriage unilaterally simplifies your quest, though Baza rightly points out that just saying you're going to outsource can trigger your partner filing for divorce, so Obey the Baza. Yes, we can compare notes. I've been too busy (wink) to fully process the contributing factors and possible lessons to draw from this. I will do so at some point. I still have a fear that this is an elaborate reset, and my old drinking pal named sexless marriage is coming back to visit...or stay. Time will tell. The irony that I'm writing this in a thread I started about outsourcing isn't lost on me. It's crazier than a country song. (If I write the lyrics do we have any musicians on here?) |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 4, 2023 6:07:09 GMT -5
Yes, we can compare notes. I've been too busy (wink) to fully process the contributing factors and possible lessons to draw from this. I will do so at some point. I still have a fear that this is an elaborate reset, and my old drinking pal named sexless marriage is coming back to visit...or stay. Time will tell. The irony that I'm writing this in a thread I started about outsourcing isn't lost on me. It's crazier than a country song. (If I write the lyrics do we have any musicians on here?) Great. Look forward to it some day. (Congrats, by the way.) We do have a composer. Country songs are well within his repertoire. He was called padgemi, then itme, and it looks like he changed names again so I don't see him. Maybe he lurks about now and then when you're ready with those lyrics. The suspicion lasted over two years for me. 2020 - 21 2021 - 20 2022 - 19 So it looks like Mrs. MirrorOrchid and I are going to have to have "The Talk" in 2032. If she's planning on reverting, she's playing a really, really long game. Mad props. |
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