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Post by blunder8 on Nov 14, 2022 11:29:07 GMT -5
The rejection and longing for intimacy (sex!) is causing me to inch toward straying (that's with an "R"). I'm hoping to draw on the collective experience and wisdom of this forum.
30+ years in a sexless marriage just bludgeon your self-confidence. Am I too old, too gray, too overweight, too inexperienced to be attractive for someone else? Can I talk sexy enough to someone, considering all of my attempts at this for decades dissipate like a fart in the Kansas wind. I'm working on this (the confidence, not farting in the KS wind).
I know there must be some women out there that are equally neglected and lonely, and seeking the same relief from loneliness.
Where do you find them?
I've scouted around some of the adult meeting sites. Some of them seem outrageously expensive (I know, I know, 'do you want to get laid or not?')
I've read that a lot of them have fake profiles and scammers lurking everywhere.
Inching hell! I'm ready to go. Can anyone recommend sites that are good for friends with benefits situation? Ones to avoid? What to watch out for? I don't really want to post a picture with a profile....that internet thing is forever......but is it needed to get matched up?
Offline options?
Any help or advice is appreciated.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 14, 2022 12:31:47 GMT -5
My two cents is to avoid the online hookup sites. Too many people look at them like Amazon for sex. Pick your options and select same day delivery. A great business model for scammers and con artists.
So where to look. First start with your outside interests. If you have none then give up now and hire a pro. The concept of FWB begins with the F(friends) which implies a shared common interest.
I belong to a bicycle club that is primarily older adults. I have good conversations with women in my age demographic at meetings and on group rides. They would be candidates for an FWB if I was looking.
Localized Facebook groups of interest can also be used to facilitate meetups. The meetups are then used to gauge further potential and interest.
None of this sounds easy. We cannot find a relationship partner unless we are willing to risk rejection. But the upside is there are others looking for someone just as we are. We need to put ourselves out there to be found. At worst we make new friends and have some fun.
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 14, 2022 14:18:57 GMT -5
You're right. None of this is easy. Have you been successful in any of your pursuits this way?
Maybe I need to rollback my definition of success to include having women friends that share common interests. But, I've settled for less (or nothing) for far too long. If it sounds like the little guy is thinking for the big guy, you're right. Looking for the sweet spot where both guys agree to work for the good of the team.
Thanks for your advice.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2022 18:11:04 GMT -5
I don't think it's easy for ordinary men to find FWBs on hook-up sites because mainly men look for those kind of hook-ups. Women on such sites usually are either looking for pay for play (i.e. either they are hooking or are looking for sugar daddies) or they are bots or are women looking to trade up in terms of getting a better looking partner than they would normally get. For instance, a divorced woman friend of mine, 71, is on one of those sites. She can pass for 58, but only has hook-ups with great looking guys in their 40s.
For ordinary men looking for hook-ups it is probably best to develop friendships -- real, honest friendships -- with women and see if those friendships develop into something more. One does that by getting involved in outside activities that you enjoy and are likely to meet women who share common interests with you. Warning: Joining activities and immediately hitting on any woman in sight is likely to drive women away from you because you'll seem like a creeper. And you'll need to offer prospects some romance, not just a hard dick.
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 14, 2022 20:18:53 GMT -5
I don't think it's easy for ordinary men to find FWBs on hook-up sites because mainly men look for those kind of hook-ups. Women on such sites usually are either looking for pay for play (i.e. either they are hooking or are looking for sugar daddies) or they are bots or are women looking to trade up in terms of getting a better looking partner than they would normally get. For instance, a divorced woman friend of mine, 71, is on one of those sites. She can pass for 58, but only has hook-ups with great looking guys in their 40s. For ordinary men looking for hook-ups it is probably best to develop friendships -- real, honest friendships -- with women and see if those friendships develop into something more. One does that by getting involved in outside activities that you enjoy and are likely to meet women who share common interests with you. Warning: Joining activities and immediately hitting on any woman in sight is likely to drive women away from you because you'll seem like a creeper. And you'll need to offer prospects some romance, not just a hard dick. Soiid points. Thanks. I am usually self-aware to not be "that guy" that pervs on women. It's a good reminder that any newbie to a group is under more scrutiny. The develop real honest friendships with that *hope* that it can develop into more seems like it has a long sales cycle. Wish there was a middle ground between the quick hookup online and the develop an honest friendship. Regarding your friend, I'm guessing she doesn't have to initiate the contact with guys? My instincts tell me that men probably far outnumber women and have to do the hunting. Regarding the romance and the hard dick....I can do both  |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 14, 2022 22:12:45 GMT -5
blunder8: "Regarding your friend, I'm guessing she doesn't have to initiate the contact with guys? My instincts tell me that men probably far outnumber women and have to do the hunting. Regarding the romance and the hard dick....I can do both " Actually, my friend likes to do the hunting. When we were in college, she used to call up guys and invite them to her bed. She was drop dead gorgeous but loved being the pursuer. For her, it was boring being pursued. Interestingly, she doesn't post pictures on hookup sites because she's concerned her kids or their friends might see her. She posts a description, and then reaches out based on looks. SHe chats for a while to see if the guy can hold a conversation and then meets in person for coffee. If she feels chemistry when they kiss, she invites him over. From what she's experienced, chemistry is more important for women. If a woman shows up to meet, guys are happy to proceed with sex. " |
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 14, 2022 22:53:45 GMT -5
northstarmom- can you send her my profile? Kidding - I'll do the legwork
Chemistry for guys? Nope, and you're right. The female just needs to show up.
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Post by baza on Nov 15, 2022 1:40:40 GMT -5
Presumably, if you are looking for another life partner, or just a stray root, then it's worth considering where you (and others) met their spouse last time out.
Back in 2017 I posted a question for the group - "where did you meet your spouse ?"
The responses were -
Met on internet - 10 (28%)
Met at school/college/uni - 9 (25%)
Met at social group - 4 (11%)
Met at work - 4 (11%)
Met at a bar - 3 (8%)
Met at a party - 2 (6%)
Met via want adds in paper - 2 (6%)
Met by speed dating - 1 (3%)
Met by mutual friend - 1 (3%)
Presumably these sources that worked back then would work just as well now.
Of course getting to the sources is one thing, the risk is in picking another dud like you did originally.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2022 10:51:18 GMT -5
Of course, if what you really want is a life partner, or an ongoing romance in which you can connect physically and emotionally, not just a one-time or ongoing lay, you'll have much better chances of getting that if you are single. I'm not suggesting that you divorce. Just be honest and realistic with yourself about what you really want. Also, if your marriage is emotionally empty, you're not likely going to want to stay married if you meet someone who fills the physical and emotional void. But don't look for a partner as a way to get out of your marriage. That often doesn't work. The partner you find while married may not want to be with you if you become single.
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 15, 2022 12:22:44 GMT -5
Nope, not looking to divorce. Too many reasons that won't work. Just a friend with benefits. Don't want or need a romance, emotional investment, etc.
I know some would suggest getting the hall pass first. I may do that at some point, but I don't want to play all my cards now. I may strike out and and am willing to accept that. The bigger risk for me is not doing anything and then wondering what could have been. Where are the lonely ladies?
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 15, 2022 12:39:41 GMT -5
The bigger risk for me is not doing anything and then wondering what could have been. Where are the lonely ladies? A thousand generations of men have asked this question,...especially on Saturday night. |
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 15, 2022 13:38:54 GMT -5
And yet we still keep asking. Men and women are equal. The hell they are.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 15, 2022 19:44:53 GMT -5
Nope, not looking to divorce. Too many reasons that won't work. Just a friend with benefits. Don't want or need a romance, emotional investment, etc. I know some would suggest getting the hall pass first. I may do that at some point, but I don't want to play all my cards now. I may strike out and and am willing to accept that. The bigger risk for me is not doing anything and then wondering what could have been. Where are the lonely ladies? When I was ready to risk it all, I found that OKcupid was ideal for me. I sought married women. On OKcupid you can require your matches to be married. You don't even show up for the singles. Married women can hardly criticize if you're on the hunt too. They're likely to keep expectations in check and not expect you to divorce. It may stifle any foolish dream you might accidentally get of leaving Mrs. Blunder8 if your FWB turns out to be terrific. She's married and by making such a foolish suggestion, you may pooch the whole deal. I messaged 6 and got two dates. One was ready and raring to go. I was discovered, denied nothing, and Mrs. MirrorOrchid reset to stop me from dating her. Thing is, I could probably call Kathy right now and we'd just start up. It's not as though married women get "taken". Married women may have no problem adding a third fella into the mix. Not sure how well you'll do refusing to show a pic, though. It screams "cheater" and that may dissuade many ladies. Not just the moral side of it, unwelcome drama from an angry wife calling her or visiting. You don't have to be shirtless or anything. My pics were of me playing pool and pinball, taken with a tripod and my iPhone. Maybe you want to team up with Lessingham. He's starting an exercise programs to make himself marketable. Helps to have a buddy to be accountable to. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2022 20:52:28 GMT -5
mirrorchild said: "Not sure how well you'll do refusing to show a pic, though. It screams "cheater" and that may dissuade many ladies. Not just the moral side of it, unwelcome drama from an angry wife calling her or visiting."
True. I don't know any women who'd reach out to a man whose face they couldn't even see. Given that there are more men than women on cheaters sites, men need all of the advantages they can get, including showing their faces.
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 15, 2022 21:04:18 GMT -5
"I was discovered, denied nothing, and Mrs. MirrorOrchid reset to stop me from dating her."
Just curious: how were you discovered? Surely the Mrs. was not on Okcupid?
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