onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Nov 12, 2022 10:45:41 GMT -5
Well, divorced and moved out 4 months ago. That sure doesn’t sound long but it feels like it. Sometimes I’m content, sometimes I’m kind of depressed. There is a lot I miss about my ex but I try to remind myself how I felt almost every night laying next to her craving her touch only to have her turn and face the other way. I do think she loved me but I just don’t I understand how she just let me go when it would of been so easy to make me happy and that will always bother me. I also found out my ex is getting a boob job Tues. This is something she’s wanted for a long time. I use to tell her over and over how beautiful and sexy she was and didn’t need it but she still wanted it. At one point I did cave in and let her look into it but it was too expensive. She use to tell me if I let let her get it our sex life would improve.. I’d have the green light whenever I wanted. I knew she was using sex as a weapon to get what she wanted and it wouldn’t be long before it’d be back to a SM again so spending that much just seemed like a waste. Plus I had a feeling the divorce was coming. I got financially destroyed in the divorce judgement so she is using a chunk of that money to get her boobs done. It shouldn’t bother me but but it does.
She retained the condo and the kids always go there to visit. They will be there for the holidays. For me they like to meet for dinner where I’ll buy dinner for everyone even though money is very tight. Then they go home. I feel like the forgotten man. I don’t think my kids blame me but before when they were kind of closer to me than her, that has flipped.
I’ve played around with several dating apps. Still a struggle there when I’m in my later 50’s, bald, and fat. If I match with an attractive woman, esp with those younger, it’s always a scam or someone looking for a Sugar Daddy. The couple that seems legit and I maybe could of actually got a date with I’d suddenly become filled with anxiety and I stop chatting with them. Obviously, I’m not ready for that.
It looks almost a certainty I won’t be having sex at all in 2022 and who knows if I ever will. I’ve considered paying for it but I’m too afraid I’ll be talking to law enforcement and the absolute last thing I need is to be arrested. My motivation to eat healthy and exercise is almost nil. I went to talk to a counselor but it was weird. He asked “why are you here? I really don’t know why to say to that.
Money is tight. I could alleviate that moving somewhere cheaper or getting a roommate but I love my apartment and I’m not moving as it’s the only thing I like right now. I’m not sure what the future has in store but it seems like a long, endless tunnel.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 12, 2022 14:46:38 GMT -5
30 yrs. ago there was no worse state than NC a man could live in if he had children and got a divorce. After 10 yrs. of marriage, she left me and got half of everything, except for the things she got 100% of. And I ended up paying a whopping sum for child support for the 2 boys we shared. I ended up moving back in with my mother for almost a year while I saved for a down payment on a 50 yr. old house that needed a lot of work. I never even thought about dating until I had been in the house for about 5 yrs.
It seemed like a hard slog for me at the time, and it was. But I made it and you will too. Now my sons are married and have children of their own. Hang in there, better times are sure to come your way.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 12, 2022 15:36:39 GMT -5
onempty: "Still a struggle there when I’m in my later 50’s, bald, and fat. If I match with an attractive woman, esp with those younger, it’s always a scam or someone looking for a Sugar Daddy. "
With the exception of people who have lots of power or money, people usually match with people who are of similar age and attractivenes. Thus, if you are "fat" and "bald" and of limited means, it would be wise to not try to date much younger, very attractive women, who likely if they dated someone like you would be looking for a sugar daddy, not a real partner.
BTW, most middle-aged men are overweight and balding, so your appearance would appear normal to women your age. Still, it could be to your advantage to start going to the gym. Working out lifts one's mood and confidence.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 12, 2022 16:10:54 GMT -5
onempty… thanks for the check-in! I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing - how did you take a beating in the divorce settlement? Did she take more than half the assets (and how did that happen?) or is it spousal maintenance? I’m always interested to hear outcomes. DC
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 12, 2022 18:21:48 GMT -5
Thanks for posting the update. She clearly resented you for the boob job. Not that it would have solved anything, but retrospective thinking can be helpful for personal growth. "I just don’t I understand how she just let me go when it would of been so easy to make me happy and that will always bother me" Who cares. This thinking doesn't get you anywhere. You need to move on mentally. Let me give you a thought experiment. Suppose you wake up tomorrow with amnesia. You forgot all about your previous life. What kind of life would you envision for yourself with the resources you are told you have from that point forward? Think about how you could enhance it. Now take that mind set and go make that life for yourself. If you want to see your kids, don't wait for them to come around. Make plans and have then join you. Or ask if you could join them in their plans. Take the initiative. Show them you care. And for pete's sake, get yourself to the gym. If you are depriving yourself of healthy living you shouldn't expect others to want to date you. Ask yourself if you would date you? If not, then work on becoming the person you would date. All the best and keep checking in. Well, divorced and moved out 4 months ago. That sure doesn’t sound long but it feels like it. Sometimes I’m content, sometimes I’m kind of depressed. There is a lot I miss about my ex but I try to remind myself how I felt almost every night laying next to her craving her touch only to have her turn and face the other way. I do think she loved me but I just don’t I understand how she just let me go when it would of been so easy to make me happy and that will always bother me. I also found out my ex is getting a boob job Tues. This is something she’s wanted for a long time. I use to tell her over and over how beautiful and sexy she was and didn’t need it but she still wanted it. At one point I did cave in and let her look into it but it was too expensive. She use to tell me if I let let her get it our sex life would improve.. I’d have the green light whenever I wanted. I knew she was using sex as a weapon to get what she wanted and it wouldn’t be long before it’d be back to a SM again so spending that much just seemed like a waste. Plus I had a feeling the divorce was coming. I got financially destroyed in the divorce judgement so she is using a chunk of that money to get her boobs done. It shouldn’t bother me but but it does. She retained the condo and the kids always go there to visit. They will be there for the holidays. For me they like to meet for dinner where I’ll buy dinner for everyone even though money is very tight. Then they go home. I feel like the forgotten man. I don’t think my kids blame me but before when they were kind of closer to me than her, that has flipped. I’ve played around with several dating apps. Still a struggle there when I’m in my later 50’s, bald, and fat. If I match with an attractive woman, esp with those younger, it’s always a scam or someone looking for a Sugar Daddy. The couple that seems legit and I maybe could of actually got a date with I’d suddenly become filled with anxiety and I stop chatting with them. Obviously, I’m not ready for that. It looks almost a certainty I won’t be having sex at all in 2022 and who knows if I ever will. I’ve considered paying for it but I’m too afraid I’ll be talking to law enforcement and the absolute last thing I need is to be arrested. My motivation to eat healthy and exercise is almost nil. I went to talk to a counselor but it was weird. He asked “why are you here? I really don’t know why to say to that. Money is tight. I could alleviate that moving somewhere cheaper or getting a roommate but I love my apartment and I’m not moving as it’s the only thing I like right now. I’m not sure what the future has in store but it seems like a long, endless tunnel. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 12, 2022 20:58:21 GMT -5
onempty: "I just don’t I understand how she just let me go when it would of been so easy to make me happy and that will always bother me"
How easy would it you to be to sexually please someone you're not attracted to?
You are lucky: You are now free to find someone who does find you sexually attractive.
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Nov 13, 2022 4:36:48 GMT -5
Thx. All good advice and all true. Getting to the gym (in the same building I live in for f#cks sake) shouldn’t be a problem but has proven to be.
As far as the dating apps… I’m realistic. The young, attractive ones that “like” me have reached out first. Sad that every time I have to assume “nope, scam/sugar baby/prostitute”. If some are too attractive and pics are of them working out or in great shape I left swipe. Best advice is advice I’ve known forever; eat better, exercise, don’t worry about dating now.
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Nov 13, 2022 5:07:58 GMT -5
onempty… thanks for the check-in! I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing - how did you take a beating in the divorce settlement? Did she take more than half the assets (and how did that happen?) or is it spousal maintenance? I’m always interested to hear outcomes. DC I lost so much in the divorce settlement because we worked out a lump sum settlement rather than the permanent, monthly spousal support I would have otherwise had to pay. I did this for a few reasons. 1) she can never ask for more. I have ways of making quite a bit more money and she know this. More I worked I’m sure she’d take me back and ask for more. I never have to do that. 2) she kept the home and all its equity. My half of the equity was a large part of my lump sum. I did this because in a way the equity wasn’t really money we saved. It was just the product of an overinflated market. If we sold it I would lost all the realtor fees and had to pay a capital gains tax. I also wanted my kids to have a “home base” in case they needed it. One already had to move back so I’m glad she had a place to go other than the small apartments we both would of been in. 3) I had to assume her truck loan. This is a big ouch. She had wanted a truck forever and we had just got a camper (sold and split in the divorce) and needed one anyway so we got a rather expensive truck. It would be come up with more cash or pay her truck so I chose that. 4) she kept all the household items. I did this because my vehicle was paid off and valued at $18k and she was entitled half of that. Instead she kept everything and I kept my car. 5) I still had to give her some cash. Was all of this a “good” settlement for me? Not really. I’d be better off just paying monthly and hope she got remarried. Selling the condo and splitting everything including household items and vehicles I’d be so further ahead financially. But I had my reasons for doing it like this and don’t regret it (yet). |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2022 11:15:44 GMT -5
onempty: The swipe left site is a hook-up site, not in general a place to go to find a relationship. As a result, attractiveness counts a lot or having lots of money because the women who will express interest in an older, overweight, balding guy are likely to be looking for a sugar daddy. One of my women friends, an attractive 71, who appears to be in her late 50s, uses that site to hook-up with much younger men. Her latest was a hot fireman in his 40s. Due to the shortage of woman on such sites who are looking for hook-ups, not sugar daddies, women on such sites can trade up. Men, however, unless they are willing to be sugar daddies, usually have to get a woman who's older and less attractive than they are.
So, unless you're willing to be a sugar daddy, that's probably not the site for you.
But, really, you probably need to heal more from your divorce and become more comfortable being single before you're ready for dating.
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 16, 2022 5:37:39 GMT -5
"She use to tell me if I let let her get it our sex life would improve.. I’d have the green light whenever I wanted....."
This is always a ruse. If a person wants and d3sires sexual intimacy, especially with a willing partner with a wedding band on and right there next to them, they will get after it.
This statement pisses me off so much, because my ex said the same fucking thing about me getting a vasectomy. Got the fucking vasectomy and NOTHING CHANGED! Unreal.
That was about 20 years ago. It took me 12 more years to finally let go and get out. It was either that or suicide. God put a very very special woman directly in my path 8 years ago so that I had a new option: HAPPINESS AND PEACE.
People, please, NEVER BELIEVE THE NONSEXUAL PARTNER if they say sex will suddenly be frequent and amazing IF, IF, IF.....it's bullshit. Absolute and reprehensible bullshit.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 24, 2022 9:56:12 GMT -5
onempty.. congratulations 4 months is a big deal. If you haven't tried my time you should. Do you tube videos you can do at home and join the macros fb page ( if you have fb) they will figure them for you. Also my boyfriend was also close to his kids and she kept the family home. So the kids went there and he got dinner. The son came around faster and he was actually closer with his mom. The daughter just came around last year. This year Thanksgiving was very nice. And mom showed her true colors and she got uninvited to Christmas at the son's house so we are going and bringing the daughter. So keep hope things will change .
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angelwanderer
New Member
currently podcasting on Dirty Rabbit Hole
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Post by angelwanderer on Dec 24, 2022 17:27:19 GMT -5
4 months? It's still early days. When this period happened for me, I couldn't work out whether I was missing the routines of my former life or missing her. It took me a while to figure out that I couldn't possibly be missing anyone because no one was really there to miss in the first place. Eventually, I found out that it's better for the soul to be sexless for a reason than to sleep beside an unavailable spouse night after night. Good luck. -M
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