Post by northstarmom on Oct 9, 2022 2:40:18 GMT -5
annash, welcome to this site. Your story is a familiar one -- you'll find -- as you read posts here. About half of the people here who are the refused in sexless marriages are women who know very well the kind of pain you are experiencing. This includes women who had to convinence their refusers to get medical attention, but then the refusers didn't use the medical help that they were prescribed.
Anyway, I just want you to know that you are normal for wanting to have a sex life with your spouse. I hope that is reassuring and will give you some hope and confidence about yourself. I believe your refuser is lying when he says he doesn't want to have sex with you due to your history of depression. After all, he wasn't having sex with you even when you weren't depressed. Unfortunately, based on the experiences of the majority of posters here, chasing the rabbit hole of why your refuser is refusing isn't likely to improve your situation permanently, though if you pressure him enough or threaten him, he may choose to go through the motions for a short while (something we call a "reset"). Obviously, the lack of a sex life with you doesn't bother your husband enough for him to get help. I'm sad to say that based on the experiences of people here, he is unlikely to permanently change and become sexually compatible with you. You probably will never know why. That leaves you with your choices: the things under your control. You can continue to stay married and basically celibate, you can choose to have an affair while married, or you can divorce. These all are choices that are difficult to make. Thus, it could be very helpful for you to get individual therapy so you can figure out the best option for yourself. If you do choose to have an affair, it would be wise to get counsel beforehand from a lawyer.
My own experience was that I was in a 36-year marriage (a 38-year relationship in total) that was completely sexless for the last 8 years and had had periods of up to 5 completely sexless years before that. In many, if not most of the other years, our marriage met the medical definition of being sexless: less than 10 times a year. Unlike you, I didn't find a site like this until about 2 weeks after I finally divorced. Because of that, I had no opportunity to connect during my marriage with other women who knew the pain of sexlessness, nor could I learn from their experiences. But you can-- through this site. I had to find the solution to my problem on my own: therapy, developing platonic friendships and activities that weren't centered around my husband, accepting and taking antidepressants, and finally realizing that I would be happier living alone than continuing to live with my refuser. For me, divorce was the right answer and during my 9 years of being divorced, I've never regretted it.
I hope you continue to learn from this site and I hope you find a way of living that allows you happiness, whether or not you stay in your marriage.
Anyway, I just want you to know that you are normal for wanting to have a sex life with your spouse. I hope that is reassuring and will give you some hope and confidence about yourself. I believe your refuser is lying when he says he doesn't want to have sex with you due to your history of depression. After all, he wasn't having sex with you even when you weren't depressed. Unfortunately, based on the experiences of the majority of posters here, chasing the rabbit hole of why your refuser is refusing isn't likely to improve your situation permanently, though if you pressure him enough or threaten him, he may choose to go through the motions for a short while (something we call a "reset"). Obviously, the lack of a sex life with you doesn't bother your husband enough for him to get help. I'm sad to say that based on the experiences of people here, he is unlikely to permanently change and become sexually compatible with you. You probably will never know why. That leaves you with your choices: the things under your control. You can continue to stay married and basically celibate, you can choose to have an affair while married, or you can divorce. These all are choices that are difficult to make. Thus, it could be very helpful for you to get individual therapy so you can figure out the best option for yourself. If you do choose to have an affair, it would be wise to get counsel beforehand from a lawyer.
My own experience was that I was in a 36-year marriage (a 38-year relationship in total) that was completely sexless for the last 8 years and had had periods of up to 5 completely sexless years before that. In many, if not most of the other years, our marriage met the medical definition of being sexless: less than 10 times a year. Unlike you, I didn't find a site like this until about 2 weeks after I finally divorced. Because of that, I had no opportunity to connect during my marriage with other women who knew the pain of sexlessness, nor could I learn from their experiences. But you can-- through this site. I had to find the solution to my problem on my own: therapy, developing platonic friendships and activities that weren't centered around my husband, accepting and taking antidepressants, and finally realizing that I would be happier living alone than continuing to live with my refuser. For me, divorce was the right answer and during my 9 years of being divorced, I've never regretted it.
I hope you continue to learn from this site and I hope you find a way of living that allows you happiness, whether or not you stay in your marriage.