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Post by catlover on Oct 19, 2022 2:36:23 GMT -5
Thank you for that chuckle, you have no idea how much I needed it. đđđđđ
God/Allah/supreme being/ the universe, whatever you wish to call him or her does seem work in strange ways. We are currently still in Athens, Greece part of celebrating our40th anniversary.
Sunday morning my wife (who is very ill with a terminal illness was sitting on the edge of the bed before getting up, she is prone to very low blood pressure and as happens occasionally, her pressure tanked and she fell onto the hotel floor. To cut a long story short she broke her femur right below the hip joint and her arm. Initially she was taken by ambulance to the public hospital in Athens which is an absolute hellhole. Drs are top notch but facilities are awful along with rampant staff shortages. Nursing care is minimal at best. Fortunately, the multinational drug company who were the sponsors for the conference we were attending stepped in and along with the travel insurance company had her transferred to a private hospital the next morning (Monday)to a private hospital which is like a 5 star hotel. Difference is night and day.
She had surgery yesterday afternoon to repair the femur break and cast the arm and apparently she may be discharged as early as this afternoon. Huge relief that she received the best of care and no complications but this was definitely not in our plans!
Still dealing with the logistics of getting payment for the hospital (we are already out of pocket to the tune of about âŹ10, 000, which the insurance will be reimbursing us eventually) and the logistics of actually getting back to Canada , but one step at a time.
Have shed more tears (in secret I hope) than I have in a long long time.
The point I am trying to make I guess is that it makes me realise just how much I love and care for her and how shallow I have been in being resentful for the lack of intimacy, if anything this has strengthened our marriage.
Guess I will be a wanker for a long time yet (trying to find some humour in this)
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 19, 2022 14:31:50 GMT -5
catlover said: "The point I am trying to make I guess is that it makes me realise just how much I love and care for her and how shallow I have been in being resentful for the lack of intimacy, if anything this has strengthened our marriage."
Being sexually intimate with someone whom one is also emotionally intimate is the deepest form of intimacy, and it's not shallow to resent the lack of it in a romantic relationship, especially a committed romantic relationship that's supposed to be monogamous. When a year after our divorce, my refuser got kidney cancer, I wanted him to recover (fortunately he did), and I felt a great deal of platonic love for him. That didn't mean I was wrong or shallow to have felt resentful and angry during our marriage because he refused to be sexually intimate with me.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 21, 2022 6:09:05 GMT -5
catlover said: "The point I am trying to make I guess is that it makes me realise just how much I love and care for her and how shallow I have been in being resentful for the lack of intimacy, if anything this has strengthened our marriage." Being sexually intimate with someone whom one is also emotionally intimate is the deepest form of intimacy, and it's not shallow to resent the lack of it in a romantic relationship, especially a committed romantic relationship that's supposed to be monogamous. When a year after our divorce, my refuser got kidney cancer, I wanted him to recover (fortunately he did), and I felt a great deal of platonic love for him. That didn't mean I was wrong or shallow to have felt resentful and angry during our marriage because he refused to be sexually intimate with me. What she said. If you want to avoid resenting your wife. maybe resent the situation? The universe? Resenting the refuser can be a pointless exercise if you're committed to stay, but shallow? That's a bit of self-flagellation I hope you'll reconsider. Biological drives that society says must be suffered stoically because of bad luck or early, understandable mistakes is a peculiar, unexamined cruelty. Bad enough that it happens. Adding shame? How did the world decide this was well and good? |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 21, 2022 7:02:38 GMT -5
"The point I am trying to make I guess is that it makes me realise just how much I love and care for her and how shallow I have been in being resentful for the lack of intimacy, if anything this has strengthened our marriage."
I didn't realize you were a fellow canadian. Toronto area here.
Northing wrong with loving your wife. Life / Marriage is more than sex afterall. However resentment over lack of intimacy is real. You need to look after number one too. What does she think about your intimacy needs?
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Post by catlover on Oct 21, 2022 8:02:23 GMT -5
Thanks all for the kind words, means a lot to me.
â I didn't realize you were a fellow canadian. Toronto area here.
Northing wrong with loving your wife. Life / Marriage is more than sex afterall. However resentment over lack of intimacy is real. You need to look after number one too. What does she think about your intimacy needs?â
She hasnât discussed it, except for once she blurted out in the midst of a âdiscussionâ, âyouâre going to have to get your needs met elsewhereâ. She is very aware of how important the lack of intimacy is to me though, so I really donât know what to do or how to take it. I know she deeply reviles an acquaintance of ours for taking a long term lover whilst her husband was slowly dying from cancer
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 21, 2022 9:12:20 GMT -5
>She hasnât discussed it, except for once she blurted out in the midst of a âdiscussionâ, âyouâre going to have to get your needs met elsewhereâ<
That might be an opportunity for discussion. Write down what you want to say, and what you expect to get out of that conversation. Depending on your communication dynamic, you may want to schedule a discussion or find the right time to broach the topic. Opening a marriage or dont ask dont tell might be an option. But thats your decision to make not just hers.
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Post by catlover on Oct 24, 2022 0:52:42 GMT -5
I shared my thoughts and feelings with a very good, trusted friend and the following is his his response, verbatim apart from editing out names.
(My name), my thoughts, you can't beat yourself up so much. Living day to day for years in the situation (her name) and yourself are in, is beyond what anybody can imagine. What I can say is that if you look up the statistics, you will find that when the divorce rate of marriages where a loved one has a chronic severe illness shoots right up, same is the case for suicide. It is an incredibly hard and painful life I think at times. And this isn't Hollywood, you are not a saint and will have your moments of bastard-ness, and (her name)will not always be perfect. But the fact that after all that is happening, you two can still be together as a couple and be in love speaks to how strong your marriage is. So as I said at the start, don't dwell on the low points. Anne thinks the world of you, though she likely will want to kick you at times. Hope that the next days will sort out the travel woes. Talk to you soon. (His name) (Fellow wanker)
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 24, 2022 7:23:02 GMT -5
...What does she think about your intimacy needs?â She hasnât discussed it, except for once she blurted out in the midst of a âdiscussionâ, âyouâre going to have to get your needs met elsewhereâ. She is very aware of how important the lack of intimacy is to me though, so I really donât know what to do or how to take it. I know she deeply reviles an acquaintance of ours for taking a long term lover whilst her husband was slowly dying from cancer I'd suggest, well before you reach your breaking point, ask: "You said, 'youâre going to have to get your needs met elsewhere'. If I started doing just that, would you want to know when I'd started, or you'd rather I keep it to myself?" When she automatically asks if you already have, you can say, "Nope. But maybe I'd start next year some time. Maybe you'd like some say in how it happens? Say, outside a 20 mile radius? Married lovers only? No texting in the house?" Then she says, "I'll divorce you." and life resumes as it had. *sigh* refusers. Happy to ignore your love life until someone else wants it. |
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Post by catlover on Oct 31, 2022 20:21:27 GMT -5
The scenario has changed significantly in the last two and a bit weeks. Apart from her underlying, terminal illness, while we were in Athens Greece, as part of our 40th-anniversary commemoration (bittersweet indeed) she had a fall and fractured her femur and wrist on the same side. Surgery ensued, and the net result is I am now suddenly thrust into the role of full-time caregiver. Not exactly the right moment to broach this type of conversation :-(
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Post by sadkat on Oct 31, 2022 20:40:00 GMT -5
I'm sorry catlover. I hope she recovers quickly from her injuries. You are right, now is not a good time to have stressful conversations. You are under enough stress as it is already. Hopefully, you have a support system to help with her care. That's an awful lot to take on your own. Remember to take time out for yourself. |
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Post by catlover on Nov 3, 2022 10:44:41 GMT -5
I'm sorry catlover . I hope she recovers quickly from her injuries. You are right, now is not a good time to have stressful conversations. You are under enough stress as it is already. Hopefully, you have a support system to help with her care. That's an awful lot to take on your own. Remember to take time out for yourself. Thanks for the support, looking at getting some in home help. I have been having to help her with everything, in the first few days I was even having to wipe her butt, etc. At this time, having to help her shower, put her clothes on, changing dressings etc etc. I have seen more nakedness close up than I can remember in a long long time. (Now what to do about my raging hardon? LOL) |
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 3, 2022 12:24:08 GMT -5
The scenario has changed significantly in the last two and a bit weeks. Apart from her underlying, terminal illness, while we were in Athens Greece, as part of our 40th-anniversary commemoration (bittersweet indeed) she had a fall and fractured her femur and wrist on the same side. Surgery ensued, and the net result is I am now suddenly thrust into the role of full-time caregiver. Not exactly the right moment to broach this type of conversation :-( I read your post and can feel the pain and sadness on so many levels. Despite the neglect you've suffered, you still feel warmth for her and a responsibility to care for her. You are truly a good soul and have taken the high road, even though it is a very rough, sad road. Mad respect for you for recognizing your fate, setting aside your loneliness and being the caregiver. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 3, 2022 12:54:28 GMT -5
Have you considered joining a caregivers support group? Some are online.
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