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Post by catlover on Oct 1, 2022 7:06:50 GMT -5
Yesterday was our 40th anniversary, guess who is still sexless! Damn, it is so frustrating for me. While I know she is very ill, (she has a rare disease , Amyloidosis, (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amyloidosis)) I still want her  . She took ME out for a lovely meal at a very upmarket restaurant last night, had a lovely time, but then this stupid voice in the back of my head tries to convince me that, because its such a special occasion, maybe, just maybe, there would be some intimacy. Of course, hopes are dashed (stupid me) and I end up just being frustrated and resentful. I've been up and wide awake since 4am, tried to cuddle in to her and everytime I put my hand on her (nowhere near the good bits) she recoils. I know she is in pain but its still difficult not to take it personally. Now I'm feeling sleepy and it's too late to get some more sleep. With the benefit of hindsight, I can now also see that she was never really that enthusiastic about sex, she recently shared that she hated doggy for example, idiot that I am I thought she liked it just as much as me. She also shared that she felt I was always "pushing" things, whereas I was enthusiastically trying to keep the variety there by doing new things (nothing kinky), told me that because I would try and get her to wear sexy stuff it made her feel dirty. Fuck she should be a contender for an Oscar. Ah well, lets get through this day without showing my resentment |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 1, 2022 12:09:19 GMT -5
catlover, congratulations on 40 years - that’s one hell of a milestone! Too bad she missed the intimate potential at the end of the night. It’s sad that she didn’t want to live life more fully when she could, before her illness. I can appreciate your frustration with her routinely finding negativity in your attempts to be positive and affectionate. I struggle to understand how, when their partner still finds them desirable after decades together, they can see it as a liability instead of a treasure. That seems like one heck of an entitlement attitude. DC
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Post by heelots on Oct 1, 2022 14:52:04 GMT -5
Yesterday was our 40th anniversary, guess who is still sexless! Damn, it is so frustrating for me. While I know she is very ill, (she has a rare disease , Amyloidosis, (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amyloidosis)) I still want her . She took ME out for a lovely meal at a very upmarket restaurant last night, had a lovely time, but then this stupid voice in the back of my head tries to convince me that, because its such a special occasion, maybe, just maybe, there would be some intimacy. Of course, hopes are dashed (stupid me) and I end up just being frustrated and resentful. I've been up and wide awake since 4am, tried to cuddle in to her and everytime I put my hand on her (nowhere near the good bits) she recoils. I know she is in pain but its still difficult not to take it personally. Now I'm feeling sleepy and it's too late to get some more sleep. With the benefit of hindsight, I can now also see that she was never really that enthusiastic about sex, she recently shared that she hated doggy for example, idiot that I am I thought she liked it just as much as me. She also shared that she felt I was always "pushing" things, whereas I was enthusiastically trying to keep the variety there by doing new things (nothing kinky), told me that because I would try and get her to wear sexy stuff it made her feel dirty. Fuck she should be a contender for an Oscar. Ah well, lets get through this day without showing my resentment I hate to sound cold and callous, but the frustration and resentment I read here could have easily been written by me about my own marriage in the past. The only path I found to end the frustration and resentment was to totally give up and in my mind relegate my wife to a roommate. I will not be divorcing and now accept the fact that I Hava a roommate and not a wife. This gave me some peace of mind, I expect nothing more from my wife than any stranger that would be taken in as a roommate and she rarely gives more so I am usually surprised when she does.(extra is never sexual, i mean anything extra except that which is NEVER) For the most part this has made tolerating my shit show of a marriage much easier and it has saved my sanity. I hope you give it a try for the sake of your own sanity. |
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Post by baza on Oct 1, 2022 19:19:05 GMT -5
I think that landmark anniversaries and suchlike, that require planning and organising, tend to raise the stress levels that go with it.
And that actually makes it MORE unlikely than usual that there'll be any sex happening.
You'll probably be resentful that your advance was rebuffed - she'll probably be resentful of your approaches when so many times before she has made her position clear.
And the resentment levels will ultimately drive the deal into the ditch.
But if - as you say - she's an OK room mate, then that probably puts you in a better position than most in here.
Most situations seen in here seem to describe situations where they aren't even very good room mates.
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Post by steve1968 on Oct 2, 2022 9:25:50 GMT -5
"I will not be divorcing and now accept the fact that I have a roommate and not a wife"
Yep. I consider myself to be basically living with my sister or cousin at this point. I enjoy her company, but there ain't no pussy to be had.
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Bittersweet
Oct 2, 2022 9:40:02 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by heelots on Oct 2, 2022 9:40:02 GMT -5
"I will not be divorcing and now accept the fact that I have a roommate and not a wife" Yep. I consider myself to be basically living with my sister or cousin at this point. I enjoy her company, but there ain't no pussy to be had. Exactly, just no way for anyone to have to live, man or woman yet here we are. |
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Post by catlover on Oct 3, 2022 10:55:30 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies and viewpoints. Yes, she is much more than a roommate, thankfully. She was cuddling into me most of the night last night for example. She cooks me great meals, keeps the house clean and tidy as much as her condition allows, and encourages me to find outside interests and friends (that part ain't easy!). She is dreadfully ill though, but the illogical part of my brain still holds out the hope that things may change. Currently there is no cure, there is a cure in development using CRISPR (gene therapy) treatment, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
I do get pretty despondent at times thinking I don't want to live my life like this. THAT part is missing from an otherwise great marriage.
I have had a couple affairs, and yes, the sex was great with those ladies, but there is always the guilt and worry about 'sneaking around'. Pay for play ios good for a short term release, but not very fulfilling (you know it's an act, although my regular lady is VERY orgasmic, its still not 'real'.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 3, 2022 11:54:23 GMT -5
She is claearly not intk. This is a really tough situation to be in. By the statement below, though, is that her way of giving you a "hall pass". If so that should remove the guilt of sneaking around. and encourages me to find outside interests and friends (that part ain't easy!). |
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Post by catlover on Oct 4, 2022 14:15:21 GMT -5
She is claearly not intk. This is a really tough situation to be in. By the statement below, though, is that her way of giving you a "hall pass". If so that should remove the guilt of sneaking around. and encourages me to find outside interests and friends (that part ain't easy!). "She is clearly not intk." - Sorry, I don't understand this abbreviation. "Hall Pass" ?? I truly don't know. SHe did overhear me once saying to my doc that "I visited my lady friend but nothing happened" (referring to a bit of an ED issue), which I explained away as "visiting Mrs Palmer". Judging by her attitude towards a female acquaintance who was having an affair whilst her husband was in the process of dying from cancer, it is unlikely (although she did say once, "you're going to have to have your needs met elsewhere". I think she was just angry though) |
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 4, 2022 15:19:54 GMT -5
She is claearly not intk. This is a really tough situation to be in. By the statement below, though, is that her way of giving you a "hall pass". If so that should remove the guilt of sneaking around. "She is clearly not intk." - Sorry, I don't understand this abbreviation. "Hall Pass" ?? I truly don't know. SHe did overhear me once saying to my doc that "I visited my lady friend but nothing happened" (referring to a bit of an ED issue), which I explained away as "visiting Mrs Palmer". Judging by her attitude towards a female acquaintance who was having an affair whilst her husband was in the process of dying from cancer, it is unlikely (although she did say once, "you're going to have to have your needs met elsewhere". I think she was just angry though) I don't think anyone would tell a spouse "you're going to have to get your needs met elsewhere" unless they were 100% serious, angry or not. She told you the solution. I doubt she wants to hear about it if you do it, but she told you the solution. She recoils at your touch, lies and then confesses about intimacy related things that she's always hated...it's done. I used to have hope for the special occasions, for the first decade or so. Eventually I circled all those dates as dates I absolutely would NOT be getting laid. Even with that knowledge, those special days were still filled with this weird tension. I don't know if it came from me or her or both, but those special days became cumbersome just for that reason. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 4, 2022 20:07:40 GMT -5
That was a typo. Meant to say she is clearly not into it. The implicatuon being not to delude yourself with hope and expectation. She is claearly not intk. This is a really tough situation to be in. By the statement below, though, is that her way of giving you a "hall pass". If so that should remove the guilt of sneaking around. "She is clearly not intk." - Sorry, I don't understand this abbreviation. "Hall Pass" ?? I truly don't know. SHe did overhear me once saying to my doc that "I visited my lady friend but nothing happened" (referring to a bit of an ED issue), which I explained away as "visiting Mrs Palmer". Judging by her attitude towards a female acquaintance who was having an affair whilst her husband was in the process of dying from cancer, it is unlikely (although she did say once, "you're going to have to have your needs met elsewhere". I think she was just angry though) |
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Post by h on Oct 5, 2022 9:03:26 GMT -5
That bitterness and resentment was unbearably hurtful for me to feel. I couldn't get past that at all until I finally gave up for good. I had to stop seeing her as a lover or romantic partner in any way. I had to completely let go of those feelings of desire for her in order to finally break free from the painful feelings.
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Bittersweet
Oct 5, 2022 12:56:47 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by heelots on Oct 5, 2022 12:56:47 GMT -5
That bitterness and resentment was unbearably hurtful for me to feel. I couldn't get past that at all until I finally gave up for good. I had to stop seeing her as a lover or romantic partner in any way. I had to completely let go of those feelings of desire for her in order to finally break free from the painful feelings. Just like me, that was when she became my roommate instead of my wife. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 18, 2022 8:48:18 GMT -5
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 18, 2022 11:10:57 GMT -5
Along the same lines ... Two men in their twenties are sitting at the bar talking. One of the guys remarks to the other, "Boy you look really tired!" His friend replies, "Dude, I'm exhausted, my girlfriend wants sex all the time! three, four sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do!" A fellow, in his seventies, is sitting a few bar stools down from them overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says, "Marry her. That'll put an end to that nonsense!" |
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