Accumulation of Toxins.

Interesting theory.  I want to go back and read all the replies, but I have an initial reaction.  The "pain of staying the same must outweigh the pain of changing" before any of us will leave.  As far as the actual point at which that scale tips, I agree no one can really say for sure.  Others have said they "just knew."  I listed my absolute deal breakers in unmatched's thread.  There may be other deal-breakers, but I can't foresee them right now.  If/when we get there, I am certain I will "just know."  I will break.  I will snap.  I will explode.  And he will be TOLD to pack his things and leave.

I've said in other threads that I believe very much in waiting until I am certain to act.  And I see the best in others, even when there isn't much to see.  Those two things have kept me in my SM longer than it would have kept others.  Add kids and finances into the mix and "deal breakers" become even more nebulous, harder to pin down.  Sure, someone outside my marriage could say, "you mean you let him yell at you like that and you stayed??"  But until you have walked a mile in my shoes and know every single little iota of information that goes into my decision to stay, you can't make that decision for me and have no right to judge it.

For many women, here and out there in the big, wide world where women are still second-class citizens, money is a very real reason to stay, in spite of all manner of abuses.  What a sad, sad truth that is.  I gave up a very promising and well-paying career in academia to stay home with my children because I wanted to be there for every single milestone.  I will never ever regret that, but it has damn sure left me dependent on my refuser and very much under his thumb.  That, I do regret.  I should have stayed at it part time at least.  But everything I do, I do 100%, so that never felt like an option.

But, I digress - as usual.  Interesting thread, baza.  I wonder if it feels like things should be more cut-and-dried to you because you are a man?  I don't mean that as any kind of insult to your theory, just saying that from where I sit, marriage can look an awfully lot like a prison that a girl has to work pretty damn hard to escape, and put up with a lot of bullshit before she does.  (I had a rough night with the refuser, as you can perhaps tell!)

 

@elle, I definitely get what you are saying about waiting until you are certain before you act. And also how money can be a very real reason to stay and can make marriage look like a prison. I think where you need to be careful is where those two motivations interact. As long as there are practical considerations which have weight (and there always are!) it makes it very hard to say, 'If it wasn't for the practical issues I want out of this marriage.' Because you can say it and not have to mean it - you know there is a safety net there of 'oh, but the money...'.

So I know you are basically working on yourself and you are going to see how the marriage looks as you go on, and I think that is a great strategy. But if you are someone who needs to feel some clarity before moving forwards, then I guess my idea is if you can keep your feelings about the relationship separate from your feelings about the marriage (as a domestic partnership), then it might the situation much clearer to you. You are in a much more powerful position if you are thinking 'my relationship is dead but I am still dependent on my husband' than if you are trying to look at your marriage as a whole.

It is a sad fact. I was exceedingly frustrated with my SM situation, but I stayed anyway because I couldn't see a way out. Until the financial irresponsibility hit a peak. Then I could see the way out. I thought it would be extremely painful legally, financially, emotionally. It was FAR worse than I had imagined. Yet, the path still led me out and I survived. I'm glad I'm out, but it was incredibly painful.

Granted, everyone's path out is not as painful as mine was, but there is also a stigma about leaving because of sex. if someone left a marriage because the spouse wasn't kinky enough and wouldn't engage in bondage and swinging and other more fringe sexual behaviors, people would be mortified that sex could define a marriage. The leaving spouse would be a pervert. Likewise, saying there just isn't enough sex in your marriage makes people think you are selfish. They do not have context for what we go through and while there is no obligation to take anyone else's opinion into consideration, it is hard to live with the judgement of others.

Aside from all of that, Dry Creek has a good point. SM is like the boiling frog. You don't think it's as bad as it is when the temperature goes up slowly. You just deal like you did the day before. It's not that SM isn't reason enough to leave. It is. But for most it doesn't appear that way when they are still in and trying to figure out why it's happening and why bacon scented candles can't fix it. They see it in a vacuum.