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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2022 4:58:07 GMT -5
So How’s Your Ex Looking Now?The best part about getting over someone is wondering what you ever saw in them in the first place. I thought back to my last ex-boyfriend. Though wait… technically he wasn’t my boyfriend because he never established what we were. He was an ex-of a body that I spent a lot of time with doing intimate things that were fun. Casual and non-committal.It was a situation that never progressed. He wasn’t looking for anything serious though I was. It lasted almost a year, and it took me almost three years to get over him. I was in love with the idea of him.He filled a lonely void after my divorce and gave me hope for what I could feel after getting over my ex-husband. I wondered to myself if he was my rebound. While I dated casually on and off, he was the only man that became consistent even if we weren’t a couple. I wanted us to be something. I thought I could imagine a future with him. I enjoyed his company. The way he made me feel. But our paths went in different directions though I still missed him very, very much. We kept in touch after we broke it off. I still had hope that he’d come around. But as time went by, our messages and phone calls dwindled. He would move on and become official with someone new. Going through my online photo storage recently, I came across a photo of him he had sent me when we first started talking. It was on one of his drunken nights while out of town at a work conference. With a cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in another, I cringe now looking at that photo. When once upon a time it made me smile and feel something. What that feeling was I’m not quite sure. Before I scrolled away from his cheesy grin, I took another look. He seemed different now. He didn’t have an emotional tug on me. And shockingly, he really wasn’t as attractive as I made him out to be. Yes, he was good-looking. But certainly not the only man on this earth that I could feel something for. I smiled as I scrolled past his photo and thought to myself oh wow, and to think you were heartbroken over that. Yes, I was and yes the feelings were valid and real. But time proves that our perceptions change, and the emotional bond loses its grip. When we’re finally over someone, they don’t look the same. The rose-colored glasses are removed. The minor details we failed to see reveal themselves. Not only by looking at his photo, but by recalling the way things were. The one thing I longed for during our intimate rendezvous, was to be seen and loved by him. But he couldn’t give that to me as he was honest about not knowing what we were and what we were doing. The only person that wasn’t honest was me. Because I kept going even though it hurt to be with a man that didn’t see a future together. The best feeling is finally getting over someone and wondering what you ever saw in them. They become normal, just another person. Not the end all be all. There is plenty of fish in the sea. Let’s appreciate our exes for being just that — our ex.They once had a place in our lives but now serve as a reminder of gratitude. Being grateful that what didn’t work didn’t and made space for what was meant to be. “One relationship ends but life goes on. Your ‘Ex’ was just a stepping stone to something better.” — Sushan R Sharma markemilee.medium.com/so-hows-your-ex-looking-now-48e6b1bef31e
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 14, 2022 11:53:42 GMT -5
We divorced 9 years ago after being married for 34 years. He was 63, I was 61. He's now living in Asia and married to a woman about 20 years younger than him. I'm happy for him and continue to maintain a cordial relationship with him through occasional emails (usually about our kids or people we know who have died).
I understand why when I was in my 20s I was attracted to him however he's not at all the kind of man I'd be attracted to now. At best, we'd become acquaintances if I were to meet him for the first time now. We wouldn't have much in common and I'd be bored by his conversations.
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Post by baza on Sept 14, 2022 18:38:32 GMT -5
The following anecdote is to demonstrate how things can turn on a dime.
As of 2009 I was in an ILIASM deal af some decades duration.
By 2010 I was not in that deal any more.
By 2011 I was in another relationship ........ still am.
My ex missus had a sudden heart attack in 2015 and about 36 hours later was deceased.
Point I'm trying to make is that - for all of us - the clock is running, and it is the choices made (or not made) that will decide the trajectory your life is on as of today (apart from acts of God).
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 17, 2022 0:12:32 GMT -5
I don't even look back at the person. I look back at the loss and the waste of time. No kids, no intimate bond, but there should have been something after 17 years, under all the resentment. I think more about people I've known for three months.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2022 6:42:36 GMT -5
I don't even look back at the person. I look back at the loss and the waste of time. No kids, no intimate bond, but there should have been something after 17 years, under all the resentment. I think more about people I've known for three months. Wonderful! Distancing yourself, emotionally and physically helps greatly in the healing process. Letting go of the resentment and investing in new relationships shows that you are aiming for a more balanced and healthy future relationship!
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 17, 2022 16:21:41 GMT -5
My X has taken a big hit in my assessment of her worth as a person. I have been trying to remain a good and decent friend to her. but it is obvious to me at this point that she places little value on my friendship. She never calls me just to talk. She does not initiate a conversation at church. She really seems to be going to some length to avoid talking with me. In retrospect I don't think I have seen her talk to any male at church in years. In a effort to rekindle the friendship I ask her out for a meal. She agreed, but the meal was a bust. She immediately separated from me at the buffet and hurried to the table to eat. She wolfed down her food without waiting for me to join her and without speaking. After watching her demolish the food I did manage to get a conversation going. To my surprise she just wanted to talk about how much money she has accumulated now. Then she seemed in a hurry to leave. Turns out she wanted to get home for football. After a few minutes I just said goodnight and headed home. I think it's time for me to stop wasting my efforts on the friendship.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 17, 2022 17:50:59 GMT -5
worksforme2 said" "In a effort to rekindle the friendship I ask her out for a meal. She agreed, but the meal was a bust. She immediately separated from me at the buffet and hurried to the table to eat. She wolfed down her food without waiting for me to join her and without speaking. After watching her demolish the food I did manage to get a conversation going. To my surprise she just wanted to talk about how much money she has accumulated now. Then she seemed in a hurry to leave. Turns out she wanted to get home for football. After a few minutes I just said goodnight and headed home. I think it's time for me to stop wasting my efforts on the friendship."
I can't remember how long you've been divorced but I think most people need some distance from their exes for a while so they can heal and reclaim their own lives. I'd think that would be even harder to do if you live in the same area and go to the same church. My divorce was amiable but I wouldn't have wanted to socialize with my ex, and I'm glad that since the divorce, we've lived in different countries. We've seen each other only once during the 9 years since the divorce. I have no interest in hanging out with him. I find him to be a boring person. He is very uncomfortable with personal conversations, but can natter on with obsessive detail about sports, politics, etc. I married him because he didn't have the explosive personality my father had. My ex was calm, safe, and boring, and at that time in my life, that was as good as I thought men could be as partners.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 17, 2022 21:00:22 GMT -5
I was in the space of having a hard time remembering what I saw in him before I left. All I could see is his self centered narcissism . I don't give him much thought even though we were married 35 years and I've been out for 5. When I do it is mainly thinking about the time and effort I wasted That being said my bf and I were having that discussion the other day. He said he must have had some good qualities you married him. So I said what they were but unfortunately all the bad over rode the good. And truthfully a lot of the good quit applying to me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2022 21:51:25 GMT -5
I was in the space of having a hard time remembering what I saw in him before I left. All I could see is his self centered narcissism . I don't give him much thought even though we were married 35 years and I've been out for 5. When I do it is mainly thinking about the time and effort I wasted That being said my bf and I were having that discussion the other day. He said he must have had some good qualities you married him. So I said what they were but unfortunately all the bad over rode the good. And truthfully a lot of the good quit applying to me. Sadly the "good qualities" are just " smoke and mirrors" part of the "fake mask" to lure you in, (like love bombing) then once the ring is on the finger, the true self shows it's ugly, controlling side!
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2022 22:10:04 GMT -5
My X has taken a big hit in my assessment of her worth as a person. I have been trying to remain a good and decent friend to her. but it is obvious to me at this point that she places little value on my friendship. She never calls me just to talk. She does not initiate a conversation at church. She really seems to be going to some length to avoid talking with me. In retrospect I don't think I have seen her talk to any male at church in years. In a effort to rekindle the friendship I ask her out for a meal. She agreed, but the meal was a bust. She immediately separated from me at the buffet and hurried to the table to eat. She wolfed down her food without waiting for me to join her and without speaking. After watching her demolish the food I did manage to get a conversation going. To my surprise she just wanted to talk about how much money she has accumulated now. Then she seemed in a hurry to leave. Turns out she wanted to get home for football. After a few minutes I just said goodnight and headed home. I think it's time for me to stop wasting my efforts on the friendship. Allow me to bring up an old saying, "actions speak louder than words!".. Doesn't call, doesn't talk, avoids talking with you, being seen with you, talking, relating with other men. Wolfing down her food and not speaking. Back to "the money", more interested in watching TV than interacting with people...lots of avoidance. Sadly avoidance is part of manipulation and having control. Doesn't sound like much of a friendship? Just a "I contact you when it's helpful for me", when I need a favor, money, help moving something, etc...... ( this was one of the main reasons I went completely no contact with my now ex girlfriend)
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 19, 2022 9:08:27 GMT -5
I can't remember how long you've been divorced but I think most people need some distance from their exes for a while so they can heal and reclaim their own lives. I'd think that would be even harder to do if you live in the same area and go to the same church. My divorce was amiable but I wouldn't have wanted to socialize with my ex,... Heh. It was 1994 and the internet didn't exist to give advice about "learning about yourself" before moving on. My ex-fiancée and I were in a triad with another fella (he joined the two of us). It was 1994 and there was precious little info to be found about how to make a triad work. After a really good, nourishing, wholesome period of togetherness, I broke away from the two of them, met my wife four months later, and the four of us went to the zoo to introduce my new sweetie. (no intent at the time to be a quad, just friends.) I'm still friends with both. If my wife weren't adamantly monogamous, and my ex suggested it, I'd connect with my ex again. She's not perfect, and we both found better matches, but she's a good egg. She may be in an open marriage. I think I may have missed hints before. So, yeah, I haven't learned a thing.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 19, 2022 12:15:22 GMT -5
Your post struck a chord with me. Perhaps its not so much about who they were or what you saw in them. Its more about who YOU were and what you saw in them when you were that person. As spouses drift apart, personalities change, preferences change. It might be challenging to remember the person we were when we decided to commit to marriage. I was in the space of having a hard time remembering what I saw in him before I left. All I could see is his self centered narcissism . I don't give him much thought even though we were married 35 years and I've been out for 5. When I do it is mainly thinking about the time and effort I wasted That being said my bf and I were having that discussion the other day. He said he must have had some good qualities you married him. So I said what they were but unfortunately all the bad over rode the good. And truthfully a lot of the good quit applying to me.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 19, 2022 13:47:24 GMT -5
I can't remember how long you've been divorced but I think most people need some distance from their exes for a while so they can heal and reclaim their own lives. I'd think that would be even harder to do if you live in the same area and go to the same church. We have been divorced now roughly 7 yrs. During that time I have done a # of "honey do" type things for her that saved her hundreds of dollars. When she was in the hospital for kidney stones I looked to her needs there. We used to catch a movie or a meal together, going Dutch on the costs. But it seems that as she has accumulated wealth, she has less interest in maintaining any sort of friendship. Too bad. I will respect what seems to be her wishes and temper my efforts at friendship.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 19, 2022 15:47:15 GMT -5
Worksforme2: "We have been divorced now roughly 7 yrs. During that time I have done a # of "honey do" type things for her that saved her hundreds of dollars. When she was in the hospital for kidney stones I looked to her needs there. We used to catch a movie or a meal together, going Dutch on the costs. But it seems that as she has accumulated wealth, she has less interest in maintaining any sort of friendship. Too bad. "
What you had with her before wasn't friendship. She was using you to save money.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 23, 2022 15:43:31 GMT -5
So I've been divorced 5 years now. Both of the kids from that marriage are in college, so there are very few instances to see my ex now. The last text conversation with her was last January and centered around child hand-offs and a possible covid exposure. I saw her at our son's graduation but she skittered out deliberately not making eye contact. That's fine by me. As far as appearance I could tell after the divorce she lost a lot of weight. I know she was dating and introduced someone she had been seeing "a couple of months" to the kids. It doesn't look like dating was her thing since she has let herself go since then (which you generally don't do if you are actively dating). I'm not active in social media and even if I were wouldn't care to see what she looks like or how she's doing nowadays. ballofconfusion checks every so often and we do speculate sometimes how alone she must be. Meanwhile we are about to become true empty nester with all of the ensuing fun that is going to entail. If my ex is alone nowadays it is not really of much interest to me and is mainly just karma doing what karma does.
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