Post by greatcoastal on Sept 6, 2022 18:00:11 GMT -5
www.drpsychmom.com/2022/09/03/if-you-accept-crappy-sex-you're-part-of-the-problem/
If You Accept Crappy Sex, You’re Part Of The Problem
MARRIAGE/MONOGAMYSEX
If You Accept Crappy Sex, You’re Part Of The Problem
Samantha Rodman Whiten — September 3, 20220
Listen to a related podcast episode here!
In my couples sessions, I continually have to assure women that sex means more to men than just getting off. They often believe that sex is basically equivalent to masturbating, so they have no idea why their husbands bother them for sex when they aren’t in the mood and don’t just privately masturbate instead. Some of this misinformed idea arises from a male behavior that is understandable but self-sabotaging: accepting crappy pity sex. Note that women can have the higher libido in their relationships as well, but lower libido men don’t as often tell women to “get it over with.”
When men are touch-starved or sex -starved, they feel like they can’t refuse any sex at all, even if it is bad and even contemptuous. This is also at the root of the common female complaint that “all touch turns into sex.” When a man feels like the only possible opening for sex derives from when she is open to being touched, he will try to push any touch encounter into a sexual domain. However, all this does is make the woman think that no touch is safe, and works in opposition to his goal of increasing intimacy overall.
How does a man get into this situation? When you grow up feeling insecure, because your parents do not have the bandwidth or ability to address your needs, you may be subconsciously familiar with a dynamic where your needs are never met and are even mocked or belittled. Individual therapy can help you figure out why you were originally drawn to your wife (there were likely many red flags that you ignored) and why you remain in a situation where you are only offered pity sex. It is unlikely that you saw a model for a healthy, loving marriage, and the quicker you explore what in your early life led you to the situation you feel stuck in now, the better.
Since men are perfectly capable of masturbating, I would encourage them to choose this over any sex that is offered without love and/or enthusiasm. If there is any disgust or contempt in your wife’s agreement to have sex, do not keep taking this offer, because it will make you feel worse about yourself over time, and also contributes to her continuing to believe that it is all about the orgasm for you. Instead, it would be much healthier to address this sex issue directly, saying something like, “You seem to rarely want sex and to think that bad sex that you don’t want to give will be fine with me. It isn’t what I want and doesn’t make us closer. I think we need to work on our sex life, with a therapist or on our own. Which do you prefer?”
If your wife has no desire to try counseling, then you need to introspect, in the best case with the help of a therapist, about your path forward. But often, women actually do not know that the sex they are offering is so far from what their husband really wants, because, again, they think it is about the end result versus the process of closeness and connection. In this case, a direct conversation about the man no longer wanting “get it over with” sex can lead to a change in the wife’s perspective. I have seen this happen in couples work.
Share this article with your partner to open up a discussion about your sex life, and if they ignore it, bring it up on your own. Both you and your partner likely yearn for a more fulfilling relationship in some way or another, and only by addressing the issues can you work together and get to a better place. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Communication About Sex Is Essential!
If You Accept Crappy Sex, You’re Part Of The Problem
MARRIAGE/MONOGAMYSEX
If You Accept Crappy Sex, You’re Part Of The Problem
Samantha Rodman Whiten — September 3, 20220
Listen to a related podcast episode here!
In my couples sessions, I continually have to assure women that sex means more to men than just getting off. They often believe that sex is basically equivalent to masturbating, so they have no idea why their husbands bother them for sex when they aren’t in the mood and don’t just privately masturbate instead. Some of this misinformed idea arises from a male behavior that is understandable but self-sabotaging: accepting crappy pity sex. Note that women can have the higher libido in their relationships as well, but lower libido men don’t as often tell women to “get it over with.”
When men are touch-starved or sex -starved, they feel like they can’t refuse any sex at all, even if it is bad and even contemptuous. This is also at the root of the common female complaint that “all touch turns into sex.” When a man feels like the only possible opening for sex derives from when she is open to being touched, he will try to push any touch encounter into a sexual domain. However, all this does is make the woman think that no touch is safe, and works in opposition to his goal of increasing intimacy overall.
How does a man get into this situation? When you grow up feeling insecure, because your parents do not have the bandwidth or ability to address your needs, you may be subconsciously familiar with a dynamic where your needs are never met and are even mocked or belittled. Individual therapy can help you figure out why you were originally drawn to your wife (there were likely many red flags that you ignored) and why you remain in a situation where you are only offered pity sex. It is unlikely that you saw a model for a healthy, loving marriage, and the quicker you explore what in your early life led you to the situation you feel stuck in now, the better.
Since men are perfectly capable of masturbating, I would encourage them to choose this over any sex that is offered without love and/or enthusiasm. If there is any disgust or contempt in your wife’s agreement to have sex, do not keep taking this offer, because it will make you feel worse about yourself over time, and also contributes to her continuing to believe that it is all about the orgasm for you. Instead, it would be much healthier to address this sex issue directly, saying something like, “You seem to rarely want sex and to think that bad sex that you don’t want to give will be fine with me. It isn’t what I want and doesn’t make us closer. I think we need to work on our sex life, with a therapist or on our own. Which do you prefer?”
If your wife has no desire to try counseling, then you need to introspect, in the best case with the help of a therapist, about your path forward. But often, women actually do not know that the sex they are offering is so far from what their husband really wants, because, again, they think it is about the end result versus the process of closeness and connection. In this case, a direct conversation about the man no longer wanting “get it over with” sex can lead to a change in the wife’s perspective. I have seen this happen in couples work.
Share this article with your partner to open up a discussion about your sex life, and if they ignore it, bring it up on your own. Both you and your partner likely yearn for a more fulfilling relationship in some way or another, and only by addressing the issues can you work together and get to a better place. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Communication About Sex Is Essential!
