7 things to do today to start a relationship Aug 28, 2022 6:36:45 GMT -5 northstarmom and sadkat like this
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 28, 2022 6:36:45 GMT -5
7 Things To Do Today If You’re Looking For A Relationship
Things won’t change if things don’t change!
I think one of the things holding people back from finding the relationship they deserve is that they’re not quite sure what steps to take in order to find it in the first place.
If you’re single but tired of it, what are some shifts you can take — both in action and perspective — to increase your chances of success in dating?
1: Remember where your value comes from.
One of the biggest challenges I hear from my private students is that their frustrations in dating make them feel less confident in themselves.
First thing’s first — remember that every single ounce of value you have as a person comes from within.
It never comes from other people’s opinions, your dating life, or even your family life.
You, as you are today, are worthy of love and happiness — but if you forget that, or begin to doubt it, your actions will reflect a lower standard than you should be holding for yourself.
And, we all know what happens when you lower your standards — people who don’t actually deserve you begin to slip through the cracks and into your life.
But, alas, you tell yourself that it’s “better than nothing” and you tolerate their presence for much longer than you should.
You deserve better than that, but you’ll only enforce those standards if you choose to keep them high.
2: Do more of what you love.
There are two ways that being single is portrayed in movies or TV: You’re either crying into your bucket of ice cream sitting on the couch, or you’re out partying it up with friends.
My belief is that balance is essential here — though with less crying.
I always encourage people to use this time to get clear on what it is that you love and truly enjoy doing. Many of us get wrapped up in our obligations, our jobs, our chores, and even previous relationships, and forget what makes us truly happy.
When was the last time you pursued a passion? Explored a new hobby? Took a solo road trip? Went on a hike? Learned a new skill?
No matter what it is that you love doing — now is the time to do more of it.
And, if you’re not really sure what it is, what better time to explore?
There are no rules. Try new things. Fail. Get up. Do something else. Find your “thing” if you haven’t already — and then dive deeply into it.
The added bonus? When you’re doing more of what you love, you’ll likely be surrounded by people who share similar interests. This, of course, increases your chances of creating a spark with one of them.
Even if that doesn’t happen, though, you’re spending more of your time with your soul lit on fire. You cannot lose.
3: Let go of the result.
Where does all of this pressure come from in dating?
I think it’s because we feel like a failure if someone doesn’t end up being THE one.
So, we try to fit a round peg into a square hole.
We start making excuses for bad behavior.
We (nervously) laugh off things that really bother us.
We hold on as tightly as we can to this person because the thought of starting over AGAIN seems so painful…
Let me tell you…nothing is as painful as staying with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
Staying in the wrong relationship will make you feel lonelier than being single ever will.
However, if we let go of the result and see this journey for what it is — a trial run — it empowers us to part ways when someone isn’t right for us.
Yes, a trial run.
Each date, each new experience with a new person is a test of how compatible you are, and how much you enjoy spending time with them. At the end of every test, you must decide if this person passes, or fails.
And, if they fail too often and too many times in a row, you need to be honest about it just not being a fit.
Not that you’re a bad person or unworthy of love, but that you simply were not compatible together.
4: Really define what (and who) you’re looking for.
A lot of people have a mile long list of the things they don’t want in a partner, because they’ve accumulated negative experiences over the years that stuck with them.
“Well, I’m never dealing with THAT again.”
And the “that” becomes another bulletpoint on an ever-increasing list.
The problem with this is that it keeps us reactive and looking for red flags, because that’s all we have really defined with ourselves.
I believe we need to be even more clear on the qualities and traits that our ideal partner has, so we can spot the green flags when they arrive, too.
What are the things that are really important to you in a person and in a relationship? Communication? Affection? Warmth? Humor? Emotional availability?
Take this time to get a clear picture in your head of the person and relationship you desire — if you don’t have that, how will you recognize them when they come along?
5: Define a strategy to meet new people.
Yes — a strategy.
Many people recoil when they hear the word “method” or “strategy” when it comes to dating — yet they’re completely open to it when it comes to their career, their fitness, nutrition, or learning a new skill.
Meeting a partner is also a goal which means it requires a strategy in order to meet it.
I’m not saying you need to lock yourself in a room and write a flow-chart of activities, but it is helpful to have a plan in place.
Are you utilizing online dating? How often are you going to social events or gatherings? What are your weekend or after-work activities like?
I’ve worked with many a student who expressed frustration about never meeting new people — but also weren’t doing anything to meet new people.
If doing so feels uncomfortable — good — that’s the point. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
6: Be honest about where YOU can improve.
Do you know why many people hire me as their coach? It’s because they’re looking for honest and unbiased feedback.
They can talk to their friends and family all day long if they want to hear:
“Keep doing what you’re doing!”
“You’re perfect just the way you are!”
“Everyone out there sucks! It’s not your fault!”
“The right person will come along one day!”
As much as they mean well, these statements really do nothing and are often total malarkey.
Sure, there’s some truth to them, but there isn’t an ounce of accountability, advice, or direction. They essentially completely let you off the hook.
And, if you’re feeling frustrated and nothing is changing, eventually you need to start looking in the mirror.
Earlier we talked about defining what your ideal partner is like — well, what is their ideal partner like?
You should never change yourself for the sake of being in a relationship, but you do need to learn how to accentuate your positive qualities in order to attract the people you’re looking for — who are looking for you in return.
Remember, you don’t attract what you desire, you attract what you project.
7: Do This For You Not For Anyone Else.
The bottom line is this: Finding a relationship should be solely your decision to make. It matters not the type of relationship, the type of person, the way you find them, the timeline in which it evolves…
The only thing that matters is that it makes the two of you genuinely happy.
Other people don’t have to understand it.
They don’t have to approve of it.
They don’t even have to like it…
All that should matter is that you’re both genuinely happy and fulfilled in your relationship.
(Caveat: If the people in your life see that you’re faking it or that you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re happy in an unhealthy relationship that’s a totally different story).
If you’re genuinely happy, though, then others in your life should be happy for you.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how many times your Aunt Jemima asked “when you’re gonna settled down,” it just matters that you’re living the life that you can be proud of at the end of each day.
When you live with that sense of certainty and clarity around who you are and what you want — you can be happy and fulfilled regardless of your relationship status.