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Post by shamwow on Sept 6, 2022 12:00:01 GMT -5
Shamwow said: "I would advise that if you decide to cheat you are damn sure that's the way you want to go and if you do, take "operational security" deadly seriously. Burner phones, burner email account, only date other married people (for mutually assured destruction). There are threads that go through the precautions necessary to reduce your chances of getting caught. Just be prepared for the whirlwind if you ARE caught before you start. If you decide to leave I'd be very very very quiet about it. See an attorney so you know how it would shake out in your jurisdiction. Build up your support network. Quietly get all your financial records together. Be aware of what material comforts you will be sacrificing - nobody comes out ahead financially in a divorce..."Alas, I am utterly compelled to bang on my drum to make sure all options are available. All that cloak and dagger stuff, and perhaps no small amount of guilt can be dispensed with if you inform your spouse you're taking a lover. Some spouses respond by "seeing God" and restoring intimacy. The word "cheating", I personally feel, should be restricted to outsourcing that you keep secret from your spouse; you're not allowing your spouse to play by the same rules, you take extra privileges and hide it. On the unhappy side, Shamwow's second paragraph is a really good idea before you drop the bombshell that you're finding someone to do what your refuser won't. Mrs. Mirrororchid said she'd divorce me if I cheated. I told her I'd be seeing someone after my daughter returned to college. I was ready for her to serve me with papers. She was bluffing and decided to fix things instead. I didn't prepare for divorce the way Shamwow recommends and had my wife not been so reasonable, it would have been exceptionally wise for me to have laid the groundwork, including building a calendar filled life less dependent on my wife for platonic company, like Northstarmom did. You do make a good point on secret vs open outsourcing. I talk about operational security since the vast majority of people in that situation do it in secret. But outsourcing openly also carries large risks. If you do so you shoukd definitely have everything in order to prepare for divorce PRIOR to the announcement. That way if the conversation goes south, you're ready to immediately transition to the divorce route. A wise refuser, though, "allows" you to outsource, prepares for divorce themselves then drops the bomb on YOU instead. The difference, though is now they control the narrative, and even though you have acted honorably and on the up and up, you will still be dragged through the coals if they decide to drop you. Except now you're the asshole who gave her/him an "unreasonable" ultimatium. You won't have the high moral ground with others, I'd imagine. I didn't go the outsource route (open or covert) so didn't have to worry about this particular conversation, but I suspect that "leaving" is received better than "cheater left him/her". For whatever that's worth...
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 6, 2022 17:51:04 GMT -5
Shamwow said: "I would advise that if you decide to cheat you are damn sure that's the way you want to go and if you do, take "operational security" deadly seriously. Burner phones, burner email account, only date other married people (for mutually assured destruction). There are threads that go through the precautions necessary to reduce your chances of getting caught. Just be prepared for the whirlwind if you ARE caught before you start. If you decide to leave I'd be very very very quiet about it. See an attorney so you know how it would shake out in your jurisdiction. Build up your support network. Quietly get all your financial records together. Be aware of what material comforts you will be sacrificing - nobody comes out ahead financially in a divorce..."Alas, I am utterly compelled to bang on my drum to make sure all options are available. All that cloak and dagger stuff, and perhaps no small amount of guilt can be dispensed with if you inform your spouse you're taking a lover. Some spouses respond by "seeing God" and restoring intimacy. The word "cheating", I personally feel, should be restricted to outsourcing that you keep secret from your spouse; you're not allowing your spouse to play by the same rules, you take extra privileges and hide it. On the unhappy side, Shamwow's second paragraph is a really good idea before you drop the bombshell that you're finding someone to do what your refuser won't. Mrs. Mirrororchid said she'd divorce me if I cheated. I told her I'd be seeing someone after my daughter returned to college. I was ready for her to serve me with papers. She was bluffing and decided to fix things instead. I didn't prepare for divorce the way Shamwow recommends and had my wife not been so reasonable, it would have been exceptionally wise for me to have laid the groundwork, including building a calendar filled life less dependent on my wife for platonic company, like Northstarmom did. You do make a good point on secret vs open outsourcing. I talk about operational security since the vast majority of people in that situation do it in secret. But outsourcing openly also carries large risks. If you do so you shoukd definitely have everything in order to prepare for divorce PRIOR to the announcement. That way if the conversation goes south, you're ready to immediately transition to the divorce route. A wise refuser, though, "allows" you to outsource, prepares for divorce themselves then drops the bomb on YOU instead. The difference, though is now they control the narrative, and even though you have acted honorably and on the up and up, you will still be dragged through the coals if they decide to drop you. Except now you're the asshole who gave her/him an "unreasonable" ultimatium. You won't have the high moral ground with others, I'd imagine. I didn't go the outsource route (open or covert) so didn't have to worry about this particular conversation, but I suspect that "leaving" is received better than "cheater left him/her". For whatever that's worth... The "biding time" strategy of the refuser is a good risk to point out. Both Jerri and I laid some groundwork in that we treated our spouses well in every way they should reasonably hope for, absent a "true" spouse. Perhaps that may encourage the refuser to be civil and upfront, just as we were. No guarantees, of course, and a good argument could start them down that road, at any time. As for the concern that our refusers would refer to us as cheaters, they'd want to be sure they'd hold their heads high knowing they were coupling less than once a month. Maybe the sympathy for him/her/zer would be deprecated by that revelation (and put potential successor on notice?) It grinds my gears you have to lop off every vow you made just because your refuser failed miserably in theirs to "have and to hold" you til death did you part.
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