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Post by newhere1234 on Aug 21, 2022 17:12:21 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
This is my first post here so apologies in advance if I do something wrong.
My husband and I have been together 21 years and married for 12, I’m 38 years old. We have 2 amazing daughters who are 18 and 14. On the outside we look like the perfect family but in reality we have been living in a sexless marriage for 2 years (have had sex 2 times in this period but basically sexless). It’s got to the point where I’m considering an affair just to feel attractive again. We’ve talked and talked about the lack of sex in our marriage and nothing ever changes. I’ve cried, pleaded, begged him but nothing changes. He says he loves me, says he’s attracted to me still but we still don’t ever have sex. He has some mental health issues and is seeing a therapist for this and says he is trying but in reality nothing has changed. If I didn’t bring it up we would never discuss it. I’ve found porn on his phone (I have no issue with porn as a rule but it does appear he’s looking at it quite frequently) so it seems he does still have some kind of sexual urges but still has no interest in sex with me. I feel so low, unattractive and generally unwanted. I’ve told him all this and he says he’s trying but I really don’t know how much longer I can live in this marriage.
Please can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with this? Anyone who has been through something similar, or just anyone to talk to about it.
Thank you for reading
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 21, 2022 20:50:55 GMT -5
Welcome newhere1234. Many of the members have gone through what you are experiencing. I encourage you to read posts by other women here such as bballgirl and angeleyes65. As for your H "says he is trying" I am reminded of the following quote - "Do or do not. There is no try." - Yoda. If he was trying there would be observable evidence. Mostly likely he is trying to find a way to discourage your libido.
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 21, 2022 23:16:56 GMT -5
Hi everyone, This is my first post here so apologies in advance if I do something wrong. My husband and I have been together 21 years and married for 12, I’m 38 years old. We have 2 amazing daughters who are 18 and 14. On the outside we look like the perfect family but in reality we have been living in a sexless marriage for 2 years (have had sex 2 times in this period but basically sexless). It’s got to the point where I’m considering an affair just to feel attractive again. We’ve talked and talked about the lack of sex in our marriage and nothing ever changes. I’ve cried, pleaded, begged him but nothing changes. He says he loves me, says he’s attracted to me still but we still don’t ever have sex. He has some mental health issues and is seeing a therapist for this and says he is trying but in reality nothing has changed. If I didn’t bring it up we would never discuss it. I’ve found porn on his phone (I have no issue with porn as a rule but it does appear he’s looking at it quite frequently) so it seems he does still have some kind of sexual urges but still has no interest in sex with me. I feel so low, unattractive and generally unwanted. I’ve told him all this and he says he’s trying but I really don’t know how much longer I can live in this marriage. Please can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with this? Anyone who has been through something similar, or just anyone to talk to about it. Thank you for reading "Welcome", newhere. Sorry you ended up here, but it's one of the best places you can be to talk to people who understand your situation. I think if you spend time here, you'll see most people here have been in similar situations. To agree with Jim44444, I don't buy the "trying" bit. What is he "trying" to do? He's obviously getting off on porn easily enough, so it's not an issue of libido. And by the way, looking at porn on your phone is creepy, and in my opinion, an indication of an addiction. I mean, maybe I'm old school, but I've always done that stuff on a desktop. But it is 2022, so maybe I'm just plain old. Years spent in a SM left me with practically zero tolerance of refusers, and an uncontrollable urge to call them on their tired, eye-rolling and overused BS excuses. I heard the same thing for years..."I'll do better"..."I'll be more considerate"...How often do you want to do it"...etc. It's borderline criminal how refusers treat their significant others. Just with the small amount of info you provided, you have revealed his intention for you, and that is to drag out your misery for as long as he can so that he can remain in an uncontested situation. He has his porn, you suffer, he gives the minimum lip service. It's what they do, who they are, and it will get worse.
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Post by baza on Aug 22, 2022 2:11:27 GMT -5
Welcome Sister newhere1234 , you tell a very common tale in your post. Invariably in this group (as the story unfolds) the lack of sex in the union is actually the symptom of a deeper disconnect - not a stand alone issue. I'd suggest you read extensively in this group, it won't take you find another story similar to yours, and to see how they resolved their situation (one way or another). I hope you get some value out of the group.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 22, 2022 22:28:14 GMT -5
Hello newhere1234: I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. You are still young. You've only been sexless for 2 years. I'm sure you are hoping to find a way to make things better. I did too. For years. I was married 26 years and sexless (completely) for 17 of them. Porn was an issue- a big one. I slowly began to realize that the porn didn't really matter. My H simply lost his desire for me. If the porn completely stopped, he still wouldn't desire me. I had affairs. I negotiated, begged, got incredibly angry, threw out ultimatums. Nothing worked. I have been divorced now for almost 3 years (it's amazing how time flies!). My ex and I are very amicable. We have an adult son. I am happy and at peace. Still trying to heal those old wounds but doing much, much better. I understand your desire to try to fix it. Goodness knows I spent many years trying to do just that. Please don't wait as long as I did.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 23, 2022 17:42:07 GMT -5
Welcome newhere1234 . Many of the members have gone through what you are experiencing. I encourage you to read posts by other women here such as bballgirl and angeleyes65 . Two more ILIASM members whose histories may be useful: jerriand lanieLanie was one of the few who got through to her husband and they are in a rather good place now. She came back yesterday to update us on her thread. You get pretty much her whole story here: iliasm.org/thread/5986/stayingA year and a half after telling my wife our anemic sex life was unacceptable and seeing no change whatsoever, I, personally, seemed to get results when I told my wife I'd been on a platonic date with a polyamorous wife and I would be opening the marriage in a month and a half when my daughter went back to college for the Spring semester. Suddenly, she somehow found some way to be "in the mood". Maybe she didn't want it, but she sure as hell wasn't letting some other hussy have it! Gleefully, she didn't just phone it in either. It may have been critical she was seeing a therapist and the therapist may have told her that it's nuts to expect a spouse to stay around when you're clocking in four times a year. Maybe your husband's therapist will be able to help him see reason if you set a deadline for progress. baza, who posted here in your thread before, will commonly warn newcomers to check out legal repercussions if you make such pronouncements ("Threat" tells someone else to do something, a pronouncement says what you plan to do). Adultery can affect the outcome in some states. You may also want to brace for impact if your husband were to take the legal route first. jerri actually did open her marriage when her husband failed to step up. If you look through her posts, she carefully constructed a plan to make him feel lucky to be married to her so that her opening the marriage wouldn't seem like the end; and it hasn't been.
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Post by steve1968 on Aug 25, 2022 8:56:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. As advised above, perusing the forums and reading can help to a small degree. Gaining insight, not feeling like you're the only one. Very importantly, understanding that it IS NOT YOU! is critical. I won't repeat my story here, but I'd kill for a "woman, warm and willing" around here. Sadly, I'm afraid it's not and may not ever be my wife again. You'll find that many will advise that there are three outcomes 1- give up and stay, 2 - leave, 3- outsource. Small minority with a spouse that changed.
Good luck
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Post by kilotango on Aug 26, 2022 7:43:55 GMT -5
Greetings Newhere,
I'm a new member myself, part of the "club no one wants to be in." Speaking as a male, I will say this: he knows there is a problem. He cannot not know. Maybe the therapist will help him work through whatever it is... but I wouldn't bet on it.
It's far easier to say than do, but I would set a deadline for some sort of tangible signs of progress. That, in my humble opinion, is the key- evidence of progress, or at least effort. I have to agree with brother baza here. What is he "trying" to do?
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 27, 2022 2:22:00 GMT -5
I'm a regular connoisseur of porn, BUT I have never denied a partner the best sexual experiences possible because I preferred porn. I don't. Some guys do, and THAT is where porn is a problem.
Porn addiction is a real thing. Odds are your husband prefers his online harem. Click-reward. Click-reward. Each click adds a bit of dopamine, reinforcing his responses. This isn't easy to overcome, if this is what is going on. I have very little confidence in therapists, but this is a situation where I would recommend one.
The therapist is for his benefit. I make no judgment about what your choices are. If I was in your shoes, I might tell my spouse I was going to get my needs met elsewhere while they figured their shit out.
Lastly, I know it sucks. I know the rejection creates huge self esteem issues. I also believe that the problem isn't you, and never was you. Don't let this get you down, but do let it motivate you to change your situation. He's comfortable doing what he is doing, which means it's your move.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 27, 2022 11:59:43 GMT -5
newhere: You can't change him and it's unlikely he will change. Hope that he will change is your enemy. You are lucky to be so young because, compared to people like me who got out of a sexless marriage when I was 60, you not only found this useful site (I didn't find it until after I divorced), you potentially can have many more years of a happier life than you have now.
Do not do what I did during my 34-year marriage: Kept hoping that things would change for the better, but they did not.
IMO it's better to get out than to have an affair. What you want is to be in a relationship in which you are loved the way you want to be loved. An affair (while understandable since your spouse isn't sexually engaging with you) would be understandable but it would bring the risk of its being discovered, including by your children. It also would not solve your sexless marriage problem.
My advice is to seek counsel from a lawyer to find out how a divorce would work out for you financially and otherwise. Often the first visit, the consultation, is free. With that information, you can make an informed decision about what to do about your marriage. Just don't make the decision assuming that your spouse is going to become the lover you want. And don't threaten your spouse with divorce unless you're sure you will go through with it.
Individual therapy -- for you -- to help you take a clear headed look at your life -- also can help you make a decision about your marriage that's in your best interest.
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Post by newhere1234 on Aug 28, 2022 17:28:41 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for the support! If anything it’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone in this, and is helping me come to terms with what is happening and potential outcomes. I still don’t know what the outcome will be at the moment, but I’m so glad I found this page
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Post by shamwow on Sept 2, 2022 15:47:13 GMT -5
I second the advice from baza and northstarmom with some additions. By the time you reach this forum, the marriage is in dire straits indeed. To be blunt, he does not want to fuck you. Maybe he has low T. Maybe he has someone on the side. Maybe he prefers his porn to a willing partner. Maybe he's gay. It honestly does not matter why. Playing "why chasing" is a losing game and in the end is pointless. What does matter at this particular point in time is what you want to do about it. You can stay and likely things won't change (they seldom do). You can cheat with the risks and rewards that entails. You can leave with a whole set of unknowns. If you stay you need to make peace with your situation which is way easier said than done. But it can be done as evidenced by those in the choosing to stay thread. I would advise that if you decide to cheat you are damn sure that's the way you want to go and if you do, take "operational security" deadly seriously. Burner phones, burner email account, only date other married people (for mutually assured destruction). There are threads that go through the precautions necessary to reduce your chances of getting caught. Just be prepared for the whirlwind if you ARE caught before you start. If you decide to leave I'd be very very very quiet about it. See an attorney so you know how it would shake out in your jurisdiction. Build up your support network. Quietly get all your financial records together. Be aware of what material comforts you will be sacrificing - nobody comes out ahead financially in a divorce. Giving him advance notice via emotional theatrics just let's him prepare for the battle to be fought. You don't need to read The Art of War to know that giving away the element of surprise rarely has good outcomes. Take time and REALLY think through these choices before taking any action. As for me I just couldn't stay any longer. I didn't feel right cheating. So I got my shit together and dropped the divorce bomb on my ex with as little advance warning as possible. I had all the financial records on a USB drive and gave them to her to keep everything above board. That helped me achieve and maintain the initiative in the divorce proceedings. That being said, divorce kicked my ass financially in the short term. But 5 years later I am doing amazing and am with the love of my life (looking at you ballofconfusion). It worked out great beyond belief and my only regret is waiting so long. But everyone's story is different. Take your time, make a decision and just do it / accept it. Life is way too short. Oh, one last thing. Your husband also gets a say. He could cheat, he could stay and just beat off to porn. He can leave YOU. Many people here are quite shocked when they discover their spouse makes the first move.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 2, 2022 22:47:48 GMT -5
newhere1234 I don't even know how much of my story is on here I was on the original experience project version. I came back to this forum after I left ,I believe . Anyway I'm sure it's in my comments on other posts but if you read sad cats response the stories are pretty much identical . Although he did it so much he became unable to function and pretty much gave up porn. But we were still sexless, I was way past done and pretty bitter. Life is good now, my biggest regret is not getting out sooner.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 3, 2022 0:17:35 GMT -5
Love this post. I spent years "why chasing". It is a losing game. But one that is inevitable I suppose. Just try to spend as little time there as possible. I second the advice from baza and northstarmom with some additions. By the time you reach this forum, the marriage is in dire straits indeed. To be blunt, he does not want to fuck you. Maybe he has low T. Maybe he has someone on the side. Maybe he prefers his porn to a willing partner. Maybe he's gay. It honestly does not matter why. Playing "why chasing" is a losing game and in the end is pointless. What does matter at this particular point in time is what you want to do about it. You can stay and likely things won't change (they seldom do). You can cheat with the risks and rewards that entails. You can leave with a whole set of unknowns. If you stay you need to make peace with your situation which is way easier said than done. But it can be done as evidenced by those in the choosing to stay thread. I would advise that if you decide to cheat you are damn sure that's the way you want to go and if you do, take "operational security" deadly seriously. Burner phones, burner email account, only date other married people (for mutually assured destruction). There are threads that go through the precautions necessary to reduce your chances of getting caught. Just be prepared for the whirlwind if you ARE caught before you start. If you decide to leave I'd be very very very quiet about it. See an attorney so you know how it would shake out in your jurisdiction. Build up your support network. Quietly get all your financial records together. Be aware of what material comforts you will be sacrificing - nobody comes out ahead financially in a divorce. Giving him advance notice via emotional theatrics just let's him prepare for the battle to be fought. You don't need to read The Art of War to know that giving away the element of surprise rarely has good outcomes. Take time and REALLY think through these choices before taking any action. As for me I just couldn't stay any longer. I didn't feel right cheating. So I got my shit together and dropped the divorce bomb on my ex with as little advance warning as possible. I had all the financial records on a USB drive and gave them to her to keep everything above board. That helped me achieve and maintain the initiative in the divorce proceedings. That being said, divorce kicked my ass financially in the short term. But 5 years later I am doing amazing and am with the love of my life (looking at you ballofconfusion). It worked out great beyond belief and my only regret is waiting so long. But everyone's story is different. Take your time, make a decision and just do it / accept it. Life is way too short. Oh, one last thing. Your husband also gets a say. He could cheat, he could stay and just beat off to porn. He can leave YOU. Many people here are quite shocked when they discover their spouse makes the first move.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 5, 2022 5:22:04 GMT -5
Shamwow said:
"I would advise that if you decide to cheat you are damn sure that's the way you want to go and if you do, take "operational security" deadly seriously. Burner phones, burner email account, only date other married people (for mutually assured destruction). There are threads that go through the precautions necessary to reduce your chances of getting caught. Just be prepared for the whirlwind if you ARE caught before you start.
If you decide to leave I'd be very very very quiet about it. See an attorney so you know how it would shake out in your jurisdiction. Build up your support network. Quietly get all your financial records together. Be aware of what material comforts you will be sacrificing - nobody comes out ahead financially in a divorce..."
Alas, I am utterly compelled to bang on my drum to make sure all options are available. All that cloak and dagger stuff, and perhaps no small amount of guilt can be dispensed with if you inform your spouse you're taking a lover. Some spouses respond by "seeing God" and restoring intimacy. The word "cheating", I personally feel, should be restricted to outsourcing that you keep secret from your spouse; you're not allowing your spouse to play by the same rules, you take extra privileges and hide it.
On the unhappy side, Shamwow's second paragraph is a really good idea before you drop the bombshell that you're finding someone to do what your refuser won't. Mrs. Mirrororchid said she'd divorce me if I cheated. I told her I'd be seeing someone after my daughter returned to college. I was ready for her to serve me with papers. She was bluffing and decided to fix things instead. I didn't prepare for divorce the way Shamwow recommends and had my wife not been so reasonable, it would have been exceptionally wise for me to have laid the groundwork, including building a calendar filled life less dependent on my wife for platonic company, like Northstarmom did.
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