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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 7, 2016 13:48:40 GMT -5
Oh my, well. (Unedited) Feedback requested. A prose update may follow, but for now this is just "verbal dumping" in poetry form. I am so strong (damn, sometimes I kinda hate being told that!)
Ode to LoverMan
Thank you, superhero – the Adonis I hoped for (pined for)
You taught me so much; Taunted so seductively;
Teased so jovially that I couldn’t even get my feelings hurt…
Until it did hurt.
And then you so un-dependently disengaged…
So adultly went your own way…
I have nothing left to say - - to you.
I have me. And I know that I am enough.
I am quite sure of it.
Thank you for showing me that I have a universe inside me.
Thank you for blowing my mind to the stars with orgasms hot as lava and as endless as the galaxy.
I hate to see you go. But I love me enough to know - - you gotta do you so I can do me.
I thank you – my noni thanks you too – for reminding me what feeling lustfully alive really can be.
As far as moving on, I will interview with you in mind.
You have left large shoes to fill.
You know what they say – large shoes, large feet. (*wink)
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 7, 2016 14:21:31 GMT -5
Oh god(dess), Fiery - I forgot just how much you will know EXACTLY what it is. Yes. That is just what it is.
I did lose someone who didn't love me very much (and yet - did intimacy so well - how is that possible? Maybe it was a hallucination of intimacy - - like a mirage in the desert of my SM experience?).
I do believe I shall subscribe to this new policy: if you tell me I am strong, you better get damn READY for an ass-whooping (from ME - because I will show you just how strong I am!) :-)
Oh thank you, my dear marathoning hero-gal. I do have my chin up (and it looks quite graceful like that, in fact)
Love you so much and thank you for the warm hug and your support! My strong self needs that much more often than I receive it - - I am SO very grateful to have found it here (and back when, on EP)
-GG
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jun 7, 2016 17:00:07 GMT -5
You ladies have an amazing ways with words! Be well GeekGoddess. I glad to learn you are a large foot lover! ;-) |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 7, 2016 17:44:31 GMT -5
You have no reason to be sad, you lost someone who didn't love you very much, he lost someone who did! He's the one that must feel sad...even if he doesn't quite see that now... That must be one of the most intelligent things I have ever heard! |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 7, 2016 17:54:40 GMT -5
That must be one of the most intelligent things I have ever heard! Thanks unmatched but truth be told, these words are not mine. We must both thank Anonymous :-) for this. These words may very well be "the balm" for every soul that was ever hurt by unrequited love. You should at least get a finder's fee! |
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Post by samedeepwater on Jun 8, 2016 7:39:20 GMT -5
You do have you. And he will be a lucky man.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 27, 2016 15:16:43 GMT -5
So - I shipped him his pillows that he had left at apartment. I included the Ode to Loverman, printed, and a short hand-written note too. I took it to the mall Post Office on Saturday. I was keeping it together, for the most part, anyway (that is - I cried some on the way there, tidied up my eyes and went into the place). I got to the little shopfront and picked the correct size box. There was only one customer in front of me and as he finished and walked away, I asked if the worker helps me putting the box together with tape, etc. She said not normally, but she was feeling kind-hearted and so she would. I don't know what sort of message I conveyed with my "thank goodness" smile of relief, exactly, but I was glad to not have to purchase my own roll of tape for ONE single box to be mailed. (And - my hands/wrists have been in very bad shape with the RA lately, so this kindness WAS very appreciated). I added the folded paper on top of the pillows (JOHN, it said - and probably should have said "Dear John") - she saw I was sending it to St. Louis and conversationally asks, did he just forget them or?
She was not prepared to look up and see tears streaming down my face. All I could muster out loud was "it's a breakup sort of a thing, really"
I know, I know - I can't really break up with someone I'm not dating. I was not dating him. I haven't even been having sex with him for well over two months, either. But the pillows WERE one of the last physical traces of his actual presence at my place, in my bed, and now - poof. Gone.
As the babies learn to say: "All gone!"
I know it's healthy. I know it is moving on (and up) and it is better for my self-esteem. I know that.
But I do miss "the possibility" or ...something. Accepting is a long, drawn-out step for me. But I'm probably 90% there now. And it continues to get better - the rest of life, the non-sex part of life. I know I'll be okay (I'm just not all the way there yet).
Thanks for listening, my friends!
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2016 15:26:34 GMT -5
I'm sorry GG that you had to go through that.
Sometimes when one door closes or when we finally close it then another will open. Hang in there the best is yet to come! Hugs.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 27, 2016 15:55:47 GMT -5
I'm sorry GG that you had to go through that. Sometimes when one door closes or when we finally close it then another will open. Hang in there the best is yet to come! Hugs. It is true that this is just one of the steps in moving along to "the best" and not hanging onto the "Mr. Almost" that was the Loverman. It will bring better things for my future to truly "let it go" and so this ceremonial aspect is a good thing for me - - like acknowledging my "mourning" of it or something. It'll pass. The sad parts will pass. Thanks, BBG!!! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 28, 2016 22:03:33 GMT -5
Funny coincidence- the package was to have been delivered yesterday but per the tracking info, it was out for delivery today instead. And on Facebook today - the memory that I was prompted to share was one year "friendversary" with Loverman. Oh what a coincidence.
I shared the memory but privately (my own timeline-only visible to him). Around 5, I texted him to let him know the box on the porch was just his pillows. And a poem.
I think I'll be fine. I guess I'd still consider him some kind of friend. Whatever you have left when you drop the B from the FWB. But - I truly feel okay about this. A little more & a little more. It will be fine.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2016 22:10:28 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, you have a lot of strength and courage and wisdom. If there is any justice in the world, you will find the right companion.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 28, 2016 22:23:08 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, I think you will be fine and a little richer in spirit. The man served his purpose of helping you find your feminine soul again. Now you have it, and you don't need anything from him other than friendship and memories. I went through a similar experience with my first AP, although not as painful. I miss her, but I am glad she was in my life. I don't regret a thing.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 29, 2016 11:50:23 GMT -5
Thank you, my friends!!! After he read the Ode, he told me that if he hurt me, he apologizes. I thought long on that set of phrases (both: mine from the ode & his replies). He never hurt me - I hurt me. My thinking, my looking outside myself for some of the things that need to come from inside of me - - that is what hurt, is all. I don't regret much. (One choice, the last time I saw him - - I failed to communicate something and I sort of maybe almost regret that my failure to communicate is what drew the whole thing to its final end. However - I also believe that my subconscious knew "what I was doing" and knew that it had to end or I could not move on with other lessons. This is my current working theory anyway and it makes me feel better about the whole thing - so I'm sticking to that explanation of events)
I love you guys and gals in this SM group with me - I so very much appreciate all of your support!!!
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