Post by nyartgal on Jun 7, 2016 8:49:57 GMT -5
The words below were not written for my ex-husband but I am amazed at how they could have been---I'm 4 years out of a SM and extricating myself from a similarly dysfunctional long term friendship with an almost identical dynamic. Deeply insecure, passive person (her) can't deal with her own issues or problems and blames it on how self-confident and decisive the other person (me) is, then pretends to be surprised when the confident person has enough and walks away. Another version of the passive aggressive sexless marriage refuser mantra: "I'm not going to give you what you need (sex), and it's YOUR FAULT."
I think that a lot of people here will recognize this exact situation, and if it can help you put it into words for yourself, great. And I'd like to say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself! I actually learned something from my SM debacle. It wasn't all for naught!
****
....
Whatever this IS really about for you, I think it's disingenuous to say you are surprised I feel this way now. Really? Did you honestly think that I wouldn't notice or care that you were withholding so much? You made a conscious decision to not talk to me about how you were feeling about me or our friendship, or to state your own needs. Or to share anything real about your own life. Hiding from problems doesn't make them go away.
Doing nothing IS doing something. You didn't give me the opportunity to meet you halfway. And now, I no longer have the desire. That's what happens when you deprive people of what they need. They learn not to need it, or to get it someplace else.
A relationship is like a house plant. If you get sick of it, you can actively make a decision to give it to someone who would enjoy it or throw it away. Or you can purposely not water or feed it enough until it slowly withers. Are you truly surprised when you look over one day and see that it's dead? Especially while saying "I didn't like that plant anyway. It's the plant's fault for being a ficus instead of a geranium. Ficuses make me feel bad about myself so I had no choice but to slowly kill it."
In non-metaphorical terms, your email says, "I loved you once, and now I don't even like you. But I don't want to be the bad guy and just end it." But you already DID end it a long time ago. You just want me to be the one to walk over and actually throw the plant in the trash so you don't have to feel as bad for killing it.
I'm sorry it has ended this way, I was hoping to avoid this kind of post-mortem which would only lead to hurt feelings between us. I do sincerely treasure the good memories of the past and I am sad that our once close friendship seems so irreparably broken. This outcome might have been avoidable with honest communication. But how could I possibly come up with a magic solution now? And what exactly would be in it for me? To convince someone who clearly no longer enjoys my company or my personality that she should?
No, I don't need that kind of validation. I like me already, I don't have to prove I'm likable to anyone else, particularly not someone who has made it clear that it would be an impossible task. I'm happy with who I am, with my opinions, with the choices I've made, with the way I live my life, with whom I've chosen to share it, and with where it is hopefully going. I'm not perfect, I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm sure I'll make plenty more. But when I look in the mirror, I am proud of the person I am today---I'm not going to change just to suit someone else's idea of who I should be for their personal convenience. Life is too short to spend it trying to convince people to appreciate me against their will when I already have people who do. And in any case, I appreciate me.
I truly wish you the best of luck and especially with whatever personal issues you have been grappling with the past few years that you haven't shared with me. I hope you are happy in your life too and if you aren't that you will be soon. We don't have to never speak again or never see each other or whatever. But let's stop all the games and pretending and dishonesty.
****
I think that a lot of people here will recognize this exact situation, and if it can help you put it into words for yourself, great. And I'd like to say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself! I actually learned something from my SM debacle. It wasn't all for naught!
****
....
Whatever this IS really about for you, I think it's disingenuous to say you are surprised I feel this way now. Really? Did you honestly think that I wouldn't notice or care that you were withholding so much? You made a conscious decision to not talk to me about how you were feeling about me or our friendship, or to state your own needs. Or to share anything real about your own life. Hiding from problems doesn't make them go away.
Doing nothing IS doing something. You didn't give me the opportunity to meet you halfway. And now, I no longer have the desire. That's what happens when you deprive people of what they need. They learn not to need it, or to get it someplace else.
A relationship is like a house plant. If you get sick of it, you can actively make a decision to give it to someone who would enjoy it or throw it away. Or you can purposely not water or feed it enough until it slowly withers. Are you truly surprised when you look over one day and see that it's dead? Especially while saying "I didn't like that plant anyway. It's the plant's fault for being a ficus instead of a geranium. Ficuses make me feel bad about myself so I had no choice but to slowly kill it."
In non-metaphorical terms, your email says, "I loved you once, and now I don't even like you. But I don't want to be the bad guy and just end it." But you already DID end it a long time ago. You just want me to be the one to walk over and actually throw the plant in the trash so you don't have to feel as bad for killing it.
I'm sorry it has ended this way, I was hoping to avoid this kind of post-mortem which would only lead to hurt feelings between us. I do sincerely treasure the good memories of the past and I am sad that our once close friendship seems so irreparably broken. This outcome might have been avoidable with honest communication. But how could I possibly come up with a magic solution now? And what exactly would be in it for me? To convince someone who clearly no longer enjoys my company or my personality that she should?
No, I don't need that kind of validation. I like me already, I don't have to prove I'm likable to anyone else, particularly not someone who has made it clear that it would be an impossible task. I'm happy with who I am, with my opinions, with the choices I've made, with the way I live my life, with whom I've chosen to share it, and with where it is hopefully going. I'm not perfect, I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm sure I'll make plenty more. But when I look in the mirror, I am proud of the person I am today---I'm not going to change just to suit someone else's idea of who I should be for their personal convenience. Life is too short to spend it trying to convince people to appreciate me against their will when I already have people who do. And in any case, I appreciate me.
I truly wish you the best of luck and especially with whatever personal issues you have been grappling with the past few years that you haven't shared with me. I hope you are happy in your life too and if you aren't that you will be soon. We don't have to never speak again or never see each other or whatever. But let's stop all the games and pretending and dishonesty.
****
