Co-dependency

My observation of this group, over quite a few years, is similar to yours Brother mirrororchid .

Co-dependency on the part of the disenfranchised spouse (the refused spouse) does seem to be present in a lot of ILIASM deals.

I reckon that in a lot of cases the co-dependency just sneaks up on the refused spouse in small increments until it is established as "normal".

And in some very unfortunate cases, the refusing spouse pro-actively promotes co-dependency in the refused spouse, using it to keep the refused spouse under their control.

Mine was codependency in 2 ways. I did have a little fear of living on my own, since I went straight from my family home to my married home. And he was the main bread winner which started out that way because he was in the military and hours are not set so working for me was hard. And I got to be a stay at home mom which was great not living near family. But as it turned out he liked me at home ,dependent on him as assurance I would stay instead of doing the work and making me want to stay
Once my kids were in school and I figured out the game I went to school and to work. And pretty sure that started a downward spiral.
The 2nd part of codependency was I did everything for him, the kids and the house. When I started working and making friends he made it miserable if we went out with my friends. He did major guilt trips if I went out with my friends without him. So much so I made excuses and didn't go. I also didn't think he could run a household or care for kids on his weeks. He also dug us into debt so we needed both incomes I think that was also intentional on a subconscious level . So I stayed until the kids were grown and moved out.
Then I just started doing what I wanted. I went out with friends and didn't include him. I started teaching him to do things for himself. Put the budget on the fridge. And finally I just told him I was leaving and got an apartment. It's a process to untangle yourself. I still did his taxes for 2 years . He still called about bills the first year. Now we don't even speak. Because he is not capable of being friends all he wants to do is make me feel bad about his life choices.

Thanks it was a process. I regret not speeding it up. But I'm proud I didn't give up( or give in)

Having been in recovery from alcoholism for almost 28 years, I’ve learned a thing or two about co-dependency. Whenever there is an alcoholic or an addict, there is often a co-dependent with that person. They’re drawn together like different poles of magnets. I’ve known my share of both.

First, co-dependency is different from most mental illnesses. It is not listed in the DSM-5, although dependent personality disorder is. Co-dependency is not treated with a pill, as depression or bipolar illness are treated. The most accepted treatement is intervention followed by 12-step therapy, just as in alcoholism.

When I first started in recovery, I saw the following quote:

“An alcoholic/addiction/co-dependent is someone who believes that he or she would be the ruler of the world were it not for a conspiracy between a vengeful God and everyone else in that person’s life.”

I realized that I had to quit trying to rule the world and just deal with me. With that realization, sobriety became a lot easier.

Have you considered "dating yourself?"

It is a type of therapy. Instead of just staying home alone, depressed, or your wants being rejected, go and do them alone. You may meet other people while doing these activities. You might find it self fulfilling, even days afterwards.

Then again you might find yourself wishing you had a partner with you. You might remember what it was like when the wife used to join you for these walks, or activities. It might depress you more? Kind of a coin toss?


That's been my recent experience.

This Easter weekend I went and visited my son at his new job. A nice restaurant on the river.  Then came home and walked miles on the beach, alone, collecting sea shells. Then came home and rode a few bike miles around the neighborhood.

All things I used to do with my partner, and would like to do again with someone new. But, should I no longer do them alone? Is it better than staying home doing nothing?  I'm trying it, ( dating myself)  time will tell.

I've got a dinner river cruise for two tomorrow night. My date ended. I'm going alone. ( I couldn't find anyone to give my tickets too- I tried!) maybe I'll meet someone? At least I'll know if I want to do it again with a future date!

Realize there are other ways to meet your needs


Your needs are your needs and no one else gets to pass judgment on that. But they are your needs — you cannot rely on someone else to take care of every single need you have.

If this person can’t do it, it’s your responsibility to make sure your needs are met in some other way — whether that’s doing it yourself, or leaving the relationship and finding someone else who is more compatible with you.

Oftentimes, the things that we want from our partners, we can also do for ourselves. So if you’re single or unattached, you can still meet your romantic needs yourself. Take yourself on a date. Indulge in self-care. Talk nicely to yourself and shower yourself in compliments. Have a healthy inner dialogue. Get a massage. Do activities that make you feel good.

Yeah, it might not be the same as touch or words of affirmation from another person. But the point here is that your needs are valid and you are able to meet them yourself. Once you realize the power is in your hands, it becomes a lot less scary to ask other people for what you want and need. Because if they say no, that’s okay. You can take care of it yourself.



Someone not meeting your needs is not a negative reflection on you


Just because someone else is not willing or able to meet your needs, that is not a negative reflection upon you. That is not a judgment upon you. That is not a rejection of you. So don’t take it that way.

It’s easy to see it as a rejection and take it personally. But it’s not. It’s someone else saying they aren’t able to be what you need them to be, because that’s not who they are. And that’s totally okay.

It’s not your fault that this person is incompatible with you. It’s not your fault that they aren’t able or willing to meet your needs. It’s not anyone’s fault. There is no blame here. We are who we are, and we aren’t compatible with everyone.


Taking walks was our daily activity ! ( me and the ex girlfriend) that, and bike rides. I'm doing b etter at not thinking to much about the past.... her being with me, constantly holding hands,etc... (going on 4 months now)

The dinner cruise was just....okay. Glad I had a friend along (elderly male neighbor- gives me valued investment /legal advice),  we sat at tables for 10, with other couples, little choice on the food and crowded upstairs afterwards. Much drinking going on. Not the best for a first date. The view was bad from the middle of the wide Indian river. A nice one time-been there event.

Scary how on the nose some of this is for me. I’m assuming there’s a “type” in uniform that does this; otherwise I would have to conclude you and I were unknowingly sister wives…

I can’t tell if I’m naturally codependent or just totally subsumed as a cog in a complicated family mechanism. What formative experience makes a person codependent? Avoidant parents?