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Post by steve1968 on Feb 8, 2022 10:51:37 GMT -5
OK, The first post will be long and perhaps kind of a rant. Forgive me, I’m hoping that this will provide some release for me. Married just over 30 years. No issues with anything big (money, fidelity). We get along as well as any two people that are together most of the time and have been for years. Then there’s the sex issue. She had breast cancer 14 years ago. Thankfully, it was dealt with properly and all is well with that. Her drive had been decreasing for years prior to that, which I would characterize as typical. The sex “fell off a cliff” after the cancer. She even talked to her doctor about it at the time, but the doctor became uncomfortable and wouldn’t talk about. I’d say we had full-on sex maybe 6-8 times total after the cancer. I sort of keep track of it due to the many moves we’ve made the last 10 years. “Never had sex in that house, nor that one, nor that one”. Ugh. I made a big deal about it prior to our 25 anniversary. She complained so much before, during, and after the act that I decided - never again. 30th anniversary was a bust. I didn’t masturbate for maybe 10 days before and was about to explode. I begged my way to a hand-job. Now, she hadn’t been completely blind to my needs, at least until maybe two years ago. Prior to that, maybe 6-8 times a year she’d ask if I wanted “special attention”. Sure, receiving oral sex is great. For awhile, she’d let me reciprocate, which I thoroughly enjoy (really enjoy!). But then that stopped. And the “special attention” stopped. So here I sit. Early 60s. In reasonably good shape, fairly attractive. Erections easily with no chemical assistance. And I’m masturbating in front of the computer. That’s my sex life. We haven’t talked about that (masturbation to porn) in years, but she figured it out years ago and she perceives it as (mild) cheating behavior. I see it as my only option. The hard part is the feeling that I’ll never have full-on sex ever. EVER. EVER!. I mean if she passes before me, that’s different. Assuming I can still do it then, ugh. Leaving is just not an option. I can’t lose half of everything, including pets, friends, community.
Cheating seems like such a bad, bad choice. She would NEVER understand. I did create an account on one of the big “cheat on your spouse” websites recently. This provided some release for me. Nothing will come of it. I couldn’t manage something on the side, even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to.
I don't know what I need at this point. I guess finding that I'm not the only one does help. Thanks in advance for any helpful advice.
I know some will say “talk to her!”. We’ve talked - she has no interest in sex. period. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 8, 2022 11:27:17 GMT -5
steve: "Leaving is just not an option. I can’t lose half of everything, including pets, friends, community."
You think-- you don't know -- you'd lose half of everything and you couldn't survive like that. First, have you done the math and talked to a lawyer about the finances? As for friends/community-- whether you'd lose half would be up to you and your wife. My ex and I didn't ask or encourage people to take sides when we divorced and to my knowledge none did. I've also remained friends with both partners of couples who broke up. As for the the financial cut, I found that I was happier living in more modest circumstances than remaining in my dream house with a man whom I didn't want to remain married to.
One thing for you to consider -- do you leave to your wife all of the responsibility for your own social life and friendships? Many men do that and are left adrift when their marriage ends via divorce or death. After all, one way or another, your marriage is going to end, and it's up to you to live your life in a way that you can live happily on your own.
Whatever you decide about your marriage, view it as a decision, not something that you have no say in. And make your decision after researching, not just assuming what will happen. "Leaving is just not an option," isn't true. You have that option. You are choosing not to take it. So, if that's what you believe is in your best interest, embrace that option and focus on the the things that made it a good choice for you.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 8, 2022 15:02:42 GMT -5
Steve.
Sorry you had to find a way here to this club. We don't hand out jackets or anything like that. But you will find some empathy and some decent advice here.
If your wife no longer wants to have sex. Taker her at her word.
Next step is to grieve and go through your why chasing. Hopefully you can get through this phase quickly. I spent too much time here personally. Years and years.
Next step is to go out there and enjoy life. Find something you love and throw yourself at it. Improve yourself. Do it for you and no other reason (like trying to get laid for instance)
Along the way, hopefully you will reflect on what it means to be a sexual person. Hopefully you find a way to have a meaningful conversation with your wife that benefits both of you. Maybe its a conversation about opening the marriage. Maybe its a conversation about divorce. Maybe its a conversation where you tell yourself that you have to do what it takes to be happy.
It takes courage and risk taking to be happy. Hopefully you find some of that within you too.
All the best
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Post by steve1968 on Feb 8, 2022 18:12:45 GMT -5
northstarmom and Daddeeo - thanks for your responses. I truly appreciate the words of wisdom. Even though I may not always agree, this is part and parcel of asking others opinions publicly. A couple of comments:
No, I haven't even thought about a lawyer. I'm a LONG way from that.
Yes, I could survive on half or whatever fraction I'd get. And I understand that going through that pain (separation) can and often does lead to longer-term happiness.
I'm actually more social lately than my spouse. It seems that I'm finding more to do that she is outside the house.
One other thought that I neglected in my initial post. I believe, for me at least, that the intimacy is the "special sauce" or lubricant that keeps the relationship healthy (or healthier). I mean there are some things that I just wouldn't put up with if I wasn't intimate with the other person. Comedian Ralphie May has a bit about it - "yeah - but she has sex with me" is his response when his frineds needle him about something his partner does. I find myself nit-picking my spouse and I don't know that I'd be that quick to criticize if we'd had sex sometime in the not too distant past.
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Post by baza on Feb 8, 2022 20:30:18 GMT -5
Brother steve1968 . Any person in a marriage (be it a made in heaven situation or a basket case) needs to know how things would shake out should they suddenly become unmarried. All marriages end. Divorce or death see to that fact. My suggestion is to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you know how things would pan out in both scenarios. Having the information commits you to precisely nothing as far as action goes. It is simply you getting yourself fully informed. Any married person needs this information for forward planning, irrespective of the state of the marriage. These ILIASM situations are very challenging. The more information you have then the more likely you are to be able to make objective choices as you negotiate your way forward. |
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Post by steve1968 on Feb 9, 2022 17:58:02 GMT -5
A slight glimmer of hope:
After obsessing about this topic for awhile, reading posts here, and really thinking about the alternatives, I decided to talk to her. I didn't ask for much. Baby steps. I asked her to go to bed with me once a week for some physical intimacy. She's a night owl and I am not. Plus due to hip pain, she generally sleeps in a recliner. I told her that yes - I would get an erection and I can't help that. But, it doesn't mean that we have to do something (hand, mouth, whatever). She seemed very pleased that we spoke and admitted that "it's all been what I want lately". And that she misses the intimacy that we once shared. I admitted that my sniping at her of late was likely due to the lack of intimacy.
It was a good talk. I'm encouraged. Is it going to result in full-on bed-shaking intercourse - no. But it may relieve some of the tension that I feel.
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Post by baza on Feb 9, 2022 21:06:53 GMT -5
It might be wise to cast your mind out a bit further here Brother steve1968 , to a scenario where - (a) - the once a week bedtime runs out of puff pretty quickly (b) - it doesn't even get up to the starting gate What would you have in mind should (a) or (b) transpire ? Meantime, hopefully this is the start of a better situation for you. |
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Post by catlover on Feb 10, 2022 0:20:48 GMT -5
A slight glimmer of hope: After obsessing about this topic for awhile, reading posts here, and really thinking about the alternatives, I decided to talk to her. I didn't ask for much. Baby steps. I asked her to go to bed with me once a week for some physical intimacy. She's a night owl and I am not. Plus due to hip pain, she generally sleeps in a recliner. I told her that yes - I would get an erection and I can't help that. But, it doesn't mean that we have to do something (hand, mouth, whatever). She seemed very pleased that we spoke and admitted that "it's all been what I want lately". And that she misses the intimacy that we once shared. I admitted that my sniping at her of late was likely due to the lack of intimacy. It was a good talk. I'm encouraged. Is it going to result in full-on bed-shaking intercourse - no. But it may relieve some of the tension that I feel. I am glad things may be shaping up for you, could you perhaps expand on what you mean by “some physical intimacy “? |
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Post by steve1968 on Feb 10, 2022 8:08:41 GMT -5
catlover - Some physical intimacy means lying together fully or partially nude, talking and touching each other.
baza - Yeah I get it. She has an issue that she generally gets 'agitated' many nights. We've had a pleasant evening, now it's my bedtime. I go to my bathroom to get ready for bed and she does the same in her bath. Then I walk into the bedroom to a very negative atmosphere. She's thought of something someone did or said earlier in the day and now is all worked up about it. Last ting I want to hear at this point. This is my biggest concern. All I can do is see how it goes. If it doesn't pan out, then I have more soul-searching to do. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 10, 2022 10:26:03 GMT -5
Steve1968: "One other thought that I neglected in my initial post. I believe, for me at least, that the intimacy is the "special sauce" or lubricant that keeps the relationship healthy (or healthier). I mean there are some things that I just wouldn't put up with if I wasn't intimate with the other person. Comedian Ralphie May has a bit about it - "yeah - but she has sex with me" is his response when his frineds needle him about something his partner does. I find myself nit-picking my spouse and I don't know that I'd be that quick to criticize if we'd had sex sometime in the not too distant past."
Your reaction is a normal one for a sex-loving person who is in a sexless relationship. For people who like sex, sex is something that helps keep their relationships together, and the intimacy is special and helps with their overall relationship.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 10, 2022 20:29:40 GMT -5
The hard part is the feeling that I’ll never have full-on sex ever. EVER. EVER!. I mean if she passes before me, that’s different. Assuming I can still do it then, ugh. Leaving is just not an option. I can’t lose half of everything, including pets, friends, community.
Cheating seems like such a bad, bad choice. She would NEVER understand. Great Contender spoke of opening the marriage. Cuddling your wife isn't nearly the problem it might be if someone else completes the deal. Naked closeness to someone only intensifies longing for me. Opening teh marriage is like an affair, minus the sneaking around, deception, lies, and at least some of the guilt. If she doesn't understand, her parents did her a great disservice when she was young, in not explaining some basics about marriage and the grittier sex. When you lose half of everything, keep in mind you may pair up with a woman who also lost half of everything. Between you, you're about the same as before. If she's flat broke, you don't have to commit to her. Women eschew poor men often enough. It's hardly unfair for you to have minimum economic standards |
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