optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
|
Post by optima on Jan 12, 2022 20:47:14 GMT -5
As I date since finalizing my divorce, and have gone on several dates with a few women, I’m very curious to hear the thoughts of those on the following:
1. Does a woman’s taking it slow to have sex in a new relationship signal that physical intimacy will be rare once committed? I’m seeing and developing feelings for a woman also fresh out of a divorce, but we haven’t had sex yet. I told her about my concerns, the sexless marriage and that sex multiple times per week was very important to me in a long term relationship and she’s continued to see me, but no sex.
2. To what extent should I take a woman’s high libido into account in deciding whether or not a long term relationship makes sense?
I found the experience of a sexless marriage and the divorce that followed to be among the most lonely, painful, isolating and miserable experiences of my life. As a result, I’m fairly upfront with women I now see that sex is important to me, both frequency and quality.
Any and all thoughts from women and men are welcome. This is uncharted territory for me. I am pleased to report that women are not running away when I express my needs and desires. It’s so refreshing!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 12, 2022 23:01:31 GMT -5
"Does a woman’s taking it slow to have sex in a new relationship signal that physical intimacy will be rare once committed? I’m seeing and developing feelings for a woman also fresh out of a divorce, but we haven’t had sex yet. I told her about my concerns, the sexless marriage and that sex multiple times per week was very important to me in a long term relationship and she’s continued to see me, but no sex." Ask her why. When I got out of my SM, I wanted a monogamous sexual relationship with someone whom I liked. Thus, I took my time. I wanted to make sure I could trust him to be monogamous. I wasn't interested in getting STDs or being with a partner whose values (including nonsexual ones) didn't match mine. When we did start to have sex, I knew him well, and we started by having it up to 6 times a day (incidentally, I was 62, he was 61. 8 years later, we are still together, but at our age, sex now is usually a couple of times a week. ). So, her taking her time may not reflect her sex drive. There are plenty of women who give up sex quickly to trap a man, then shut it off after they've got the man.
Unlike you, I didn't tell him about my SM until after we'd been sexually intimate for a couple of months. I didn't want him to think that there was something repulsive about me or that I was damaged. In fact, we didn't talk about our sexual expectations until after we'd become intimate. I know that many women here feel differently, but I would not have wanted to be with a man if he told me he had tolerated a long-term sexless marriage. I would have felt he lacked confidence and assertiveness, and I would have doubted he'd be a good lover. He just wouldn't have seemed manly to me. I would have feared that he tolerated a long-term SM because in his heart, he thought that women worthy of a long-term relationship needed to be sexually inhibited. Similarly, I avoided men who were obviously still wounded from past relationships. I figured they weren't ready for a relationship with me. I checked out my now partner to make sure that he wasn't holding bitterness or anger over past relationships. He obviously had healed -- was able to tell me about the bad parts without getting angry. Not one time did he make his exes out to be monsters or crazy, even the ones whose actions had broken his heart. He also was able to say that he had learned something good from every relationship.
About taking into account a woman's libido: If you're just looking for a friend, her libido wouldn't matter. IF, however, you are looking for a long-term relationship and sexual compatibility is important to you, look for a woman whom you are sexually attracted to whose libido matches yours.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jan 13, 2022 5:47:26 GMT -5
... I’m seeing and developing feelings for a woman also fresh out of a divorce, but we haven’t had sex yet. I told her about my concerns, the sexless marriage and that sex multiple times per week was very important to me in a long term relationship and she’s continued to see me, but no sex. I am pleased to report that women are not running away when I express my needs and desires. It’s so refreshing! So how many of these other women aren't just not running away but delivering on what's so important to you, since your favorite seems to hold back? Seems okay to me, though. Your favorite is your companion and your other ladies are for passionate bonding. Wait, you ARE having sex with other women, right? You're not thinking about marriage to the sexless one already, are you? You could summon a herd of bulls with the red flag here. I forbid you to date just one woman until 2023. I'm hiring an old gypsy woman to place the curse now. I have a Groupon.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 13, 2022 6:23:17 GMT -5
Like Sister northstarmom says - "ask her". If you do, I would bet good money that she'd say that she wants a robust sex life too. And she may well mean it, and may be she'll demonstrate that real soon. But she might be thinking "yep, I'd like a robust sex life, but at this point you aren't the one I want to have that robust sex life with" . It's not clear how many times you've met, but it reads like you've dated say half a dozen times. I would think that for two consenting adults if it hasn't happened yet then it probably won't be happening at all. I'd suggest that you don't invest any more than you are prepared to lose in this situation Brother optima . The "right" person for you to have a relationship with and robust sex with is out there somewhere. It really doesn't look like this is "the one".
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 13, 2022 10:48:06 GMT -5
baz said: "It's not clear how many times you've met, but it reads like you've dated say half a dozen times. I would think that for two consenting adults if it hasn't happened yet then it probably won't be happening at all."
Since he's dating other women, too, it's possible that she wants a monogamous relationship and is delaying sex until and if ever he indicates he'd like to have a monogamous relationship with her. But he does need to ask. And if she says she wants a monogamous relationship and it needs to be marriage, he needs to run!
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jan 13, 2022 12:13:35 GMT -5
I agree with the statements above from baz and northstar mom. My experience since my divorce has been that a woman who wants intimacy is upfront about saying so. If she is reluctant to voice much concerning sex then she is likely to be low libedo. Right now it just appears she is into datingy you and the perks that go with that. Talk to her about sex, frequency and what she likes and doesn't like in bed. If she is still sizing you up for a long term committment then you should be upfront about monogamy and other ladies. My experience is most women do not want to share their partner with another woman, unless they them selves are involved with another man.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 14, 2022 13:21:58 GMT -5
As I date since finalizing my divorce, and have gone on several dates with a few women, I’m very curious to hear the thoughts of those on the following: 1. Does a woman’s taking it slow to have sex in a new relationship signal that physical intimacy will be rare once committed? I’m seeing and developing feelings for a woman also fresh out of a divorce, but we haven’t had sex yet. I told her about my concerns, the sexless marriage and that sex multiple times per week was very important to me in a long term relationship and she’s continued to see me, but no sex. 2. To what extent should I take a woman’s high libido into account in deciding whether or not a long term relationship makes sense? I found the experience of a sexless marriage and the divorce that followed to be among the most lonely, painful, isolating and miserable experiences of my life. As a result, I’m fairly upfront with women I now see that sex is important to me, both frequency and quality. Any and all thoughts from women and men are welcome. This is uncharted territory for me. I am pleased to report that women are not running away when I express my needs and desires. It’s so refreshing! I have had a LOT of dating experience since my separation, 6 or 7 years ago (in my 40s then), in a metropolitan city. Sex is a topic that comes up early in my conversations, partly/mainly because I am interested in knowing if my prospective partner is invested in having a healthy sex life, and I want to know if they are able, comfortable, or enthusiastic to talk with a prospective intimate partner about sex. I want to know their approach. Also, this helps highlight early on, if they have any peccadillos that might be dealbreakers. When a prospective partner says "I like to take it slow", I like to gently and carefully ask what they mean by that. It's a yellow flag. At the very least, it means they are trying to say they are not *today* at the stage that they want to have sex with you. I was surprised by other women's dating stories and hook up culture expectations placed on them. It may also mean, that they are comparing themselves to what they think YOU want (which could be "right now") or relative to their dating history prior to you - where they may have gone on a tear of booty calls. I've had a lovely "take it slow" partner take a firm lead in the sex dept by the second date. She felt comfortable with me. A playfully serious and undemanding conversation about that topic is likely to illuminate what they mean, and it can be a good way to get to know a person more intimately. On dates, I like to have at least one fairly intimate conversation that would be inappropriate in a professional workplace setting. It helps us feel inside with each other to know a secret. I always have a couple weeks of texting prior to meeting, likely some mutual flirting and a few good conversations before meeting for a drink, so it shouldn't feel so terrible to have that kind of conversation by the time we are talking in person. Likewise, if the heat isn't apparent and mutual by the second real life date (after courting on text or phone), I will not ask for a third. That doesn't mean we have sex on that date, but it should be easy enough to get a signal on what' WANTED. I have no hard rules here, but what I've seen works for me in this EXTREMELY competitive and fast dating environment tends to result in a hot kiss closing either the first or second date. If, after a few hours of conversation with someone you are kind of into, who you think is attractive, and after meeting on a dating app to date - a partner is all about either expressly "making me wait" (thus assuming my affection, and leaning out), or still doesn't want a kiss (it's just a kiss), then I assume we are on different pages and move on to someone who wants to lean in.
|
|
|
Post by tinymouse on Jan 21, 2022 21:19:00 GMT -5
The best thing would be to just talk to her about it. It also depends on how long you've been seeing her. Some may want to take it slower to ge tto that comfort level but once there, everything is fine. If she is fresh out of divorce, she may still be healing and it's taking her time to trust. Maybe she wants to feel like you like her for who she is and not just for her to become a rebound or a notch on the belt. She may noy want to get intimate if she knows you're seeing others. It could be so many things.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jan 22, 2022 5:21:38 GMT -5
Women not running away from you when you express your needs and desires is a good thing. Talking about sex is something I enjoy doing. I refer to it as "aural sex." With a prospective partner, it helps you figure out what they like, so you can better meet their expectations.
If a woman won't talk about sex, that would be a red flag for me. There are reasons other than a low libido to take things slow, though.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jan 22, 2022 13:07:11 GMT -5
I have had a LOT of dating experience since my separation, 6 or 7 years ago (in my 40s then), in a metropolitan city. Sex is a topic that comes up early in my conversations, partly/mainly because I am interested in knowing if my prospective partner is invested in having a healthy sex life, and I want to know if they are able, comfortable, or enthusiastic to talk with a prospective intimate partner about sex. I want to know their approach. Also, this helps highlight early on, if they have any peccadillos that might be dealbreakers. When a prospective partner says "I like to take it slow", I like to gently and carefully ask what they mean by that. It's a yellow flag. At the very least, it means they are trying to say they are not *today* at the stage that they want to have sex with you. I was surprised by other women's dating stories and hook up culture expectations placed on them. It may also mean, that they are comparing themselves to what they think YOU want (which could be "right now") or relative to their dating history prior to you - where they may have gone on a tear of booty calls. I've had a lovely "take it slow" partner take a firm lead in the sex dept by the second date. She felt comfortable with me. A playfully serious and undemanding conversation about that topic is likely to illuminate what they mean, and it can be a good way to get to know a person more intimately. On dates, I like to have at least one fairly intimate conversation that would be inappropriate in a professional workplace setting. It helps us feel inside with each other to know a secret. I always have a couple weeks of texting prior to meeting, likely some mutual flirting and a few good conversations before meeting for a drink, so it shouldn't feel so terrible to have that kind of conversation by the time we are talking in person. Likewise, if the heat isn't apparent and mutual by the second real life date (after courting on text or phone), I will not ask for a third. That doesn't mean we have sex on that date, but it should be easy enough to get a signal on what' WANTED. I have no hard rules here, but what I've seen works for me in this EXTREMELY competitive and fast dating environment tends to result in a hot kiss closing either the first or second date. If, after a few hours of conversation with someone you are kind of into, who you think is attractive, and after meeting on a dating app to date - a partner is all about either expressly "making me wait" (thus assuming my affection, and leaning out), or still doesn't want a kiss (it's just a kiss), then I assume we are on different pages and move on to someone who wants to lean in. This reply is a close representation of my own approach post divorce when it comes to dating and sizing up a prospective partner. A number of texts to 1st gage their overall life experiences and get a feel for their personality. Are they generally positive? Are they serious or just looking for a pen pal. Then a few phone conversations. Inflections in a voice can tell you many things, as can hesitancy or them seeming too guarded. I am upfront about my own likes, dislikes and what I consider dealbreakers in a relationship. For instance, if she doesn't attend a church or have some basis of faith or her faith is more in the nature of a cult following, then I am unlikely to pursue her. When / if we do have a meet the 1st is probably just going to be a coffee, or perhaps an adult beverage depending on the time. How the meet goes will determine how I approach the subject of intimacy, but at some point, I will begin to feel her out on her views about sex and when it should happen. If her response is positive when I might go a bit farther about what she likes or doesn't. And I might ask her if there is anything she would like to ask me. If the conversation seems less than free I won't pursue the subject. I won't be looking to end the date at that point but how the rest of the evening goes will determine if I ask for a third date. I like a kiss at the end of a date if I think I'm interested in her. But if I am not going to ask for another date I forgo the kiss.
|
|
|
Post by sweetplumeria on Feb 4, 2022 3:50:12 GMT -5
... I’m seeing and developing feelings for a woman also fresh out of a divorce, but we haven’t had sex yet. I told her about my concerns, the sexless marriage and that sex multiple times per week was very important to me in a long term relationship and she’s continued to see me, but no sex. I am pleased to report that women are not running away when I express my needs and desires. It’s so refreshing! So how many of these other women aren't just not running away but delivering on what's so important to you, since your favorite seems to hold back? Seems okay to me, though. Your favorite is your companion and your other ladies are for passionate bonding. Wait, you ARE having sex with other women, right? You're not thinking about marriage to the sexless one already, are you? You could summon a herd of bulls with the red flag here. I forbid you to date just one woman until 2023. I'm hiring an old gypsy woman to place the curse now. I have a Groupon. 🤣🤣🤣
|
|
|
Post by rejected101 on Feb 27, 2022 18:15:34 GMT -5
As I date since finalizing my divorce, and have gone on several dates with a few women, I’m very curious to hear the thoughts of those on the following: 1. Does a woman’s taking it slow to have sex in a new relationship signal that physical intimacy will be rare once committed? I’m seeing and developing feelings for a woman also fresh out of a divorce, but we haven’t had sex yet. I told her about my concerns, the sexless marriage and that sex multiple times per week was very important to me in a long term relationship and she’s continued to see me, but no sex. 2. To what extent should I take a woman’s high libido into account in deciding whether or not a long term relationship makes sense? I found the experience of a sexless marriage and the divorce that followed to be among the most lonely, painful, isolating and miserable experiences of my life. As a result, I’m fairly upfront with women I now see that sex is important to me, both frequency and quality. Any and all thoughts from women and men are welcome. This is uncharted territory for me. I am pleased to report that women are not running away when I express my needs and desires. It’s so refreshing! The key to this is, she’s doing nothing wrong by taking it slow initially. It’s understandable and reasonable. Once she breaks the seal though, if she is resistant to regular sex thereafter, that’s when you begin making your decision. Just don’t invest yourself so heavily that you feel compelled to stay and live the sexless lifestyle for a second time. Screw that. I had a similar thing with another girl after my ex and before I found my match. She seemed in to me, we got on well but she smacked of someone with a stuttering libido, a lack of importance being placed on sex even after fucking me fairly early on. I moved on. Makes me sound like a cunt but I refuse to live it again so sorry, off ya fuck (but I was a little nicer with my delivery).
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Feb 28, 2022 10:25:01 GMT -5
Rejected, moving on when it seems one's new partner isn't sexually compatible sounds wise. You dodged a bullet.
|
|
|
Post by rejected101 on Mar 1, 2022 20:04:55 GMT -5
Rejected, moving on when it seems one's new partner isn't sexually compatible sounds wise. You dodged a bullet. I agree. It took my ILIASM to round me in to someone who wasn’t prepared to even allow the gun to be fired in my direction. There’s one positive I will take from my ILIASM (other then my kids) and that’s the ability to choose what’s right for me too.
|
|