lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92 
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Dec 30, 2021 16:25:25 GMT -5
When?! “Very soon “ says he. I do believe our ideas of very soon are very different. I’d just like to scream out of frustration ( trying not to let it turn to anger!!!). . Sigh.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Dec 30, 2021 19:09:48 GMT -5
Why are you trying to stop becoming angry at having your needs ignored? You are being treated horribly. Anger is the right response. Anger would help fuel you into doing something under your control to make your life better. You can't depend on him to respond to your frustration and hurt.
|
|
|
|
Post by jim44444 on Dec 31, 2021 0:14:08 GMT -5
For any plan to be successful it must be time bound.
"Very soon" is not a time boundary, nor is "someday" or "when pigs fly". Allowing him to set the schedule at "very soon" gives him the ability to make the date "when pigs fly". If you press for a date certain and he refuses to give one then assume " very soon" is synonymous with "never".
|
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Dec 31, 2021 1:42:46 GMT -5
Timing, frequency, and quality are all going to be factors, here. As Jim points out, it might be a long time until anything happens. It also might be a long time until anything happens again. Also, that anything might not be what you wanted in the first place.
Upping the threat level might improve all of these. If your spouse fears the end of their ruse, they might even have "hysterical bonding" sex, where their stress level is so high they might even find themselves enjoying it. Sadly, within three weeks, the concern wears off, along with the desire, and you are right back where you started.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Dec 31, 2021 3:42:40 GMT -5
In lanie's marriage I expect only the sure and certain expectation of a major shift in the dynamics will likely result in any change (improvement). And then the change is unlikely to be of long duration. We have seen the threat of outsourcing or seperation bring about reset sex for several members(including me), but the reset doesn't last long. For me it lasted roughly 3 months. So there is a potential for a reset but not much potential for a long term resurgence of intimacy. Only a couple of those to be found here.
lanie's H reminds me of the way my X went about stringing me along. She was rotating responses of maybe tomorrow, maybe this weekend, or we"ll see, invariably ending in some other means or mechanism for delay or dodging my effort. Our refusing spouses are the greatest dodge ball players on the planet.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Dec 31, 2021 5:20:28 GMT -5
Why are you trying to stop becoming angry at having your needs ignored? You are being treated horribly. Anger is the right response. Anger would help fuel you into doing something under your control to make your life better. You can't depend on him to respond to your frustration and hurt. Thing is, Mr. Lanie does respond to her hurt. On other posts, he's been making romantic/sexy gestures which she has expressed pleasure in. It can also make her more frustrated. Depends on the day/gesture, if I'm reading her posts right. He's meeting her 1/20th of the way, so maybe there's room to grow there? Room enough to patch things together sufficiently? It's my observation from ILIASM and reddit posts that women have an easier time talking sense into refusing husbands, so WorksForMe2's pessimism may be well placed, but marginally excessive. Quadruple "rare" is still "uncommon", so yeah, be ready with plan B. I agree with everyone else that setting a time limit is wise. Three or four times I've previously set an absurdly generous time limit. It lets the stubborn party (this method applies not just to sex) feel foolish for objecting. "The average couple gets intimate once every ten days-on the low side. What we have isn't reflective of healthy people. I've got the miserable luck of being average and healthy, babe. We gotta get a bit closer to "ordinary" or else I need to find another "healthy" person to do healthy things with. My Pekingese is getting increasingly loud and irritating. It doesn't seem to be able to read your calendar. I'm posting on OKcupid a month from now. There won't be a reminder. Figure out what's wrong or tell me whatcha need, but one third of "normal" is not too much to ask. Love ya. Need ya. Rip your clothes off. Bye." If he has a calendar, maybe scribble "Very soon" on your deadline. Refusers may not find that funny, but I do. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Dec 31, 2021 22:28:43 GMT -5
By adopting a policy of inertia, Mr lanie has boxed you in to a corner Sister lanie . Now, the onus has been put back on you to make the next move. "Very soon" is an indeterminate time. Might mean "tomorrow" or a week or a month or a year or never. I think YOU are going to have to mandate what "very soon" means, by setting a deadline. The deadline is not so much to keep your spouse accountable (because you've got no control over him anyway) but is rather too keep YOURSELF accountable. Accountable for the choice you have in mind when the deadline runs out. Obviously this choice of yours has to be something you are prepared to do ... not just *threaten* to do because nothing shreds your cred quicker than threatening something with nothing to back it up. Hence the usual suggestion about consulting a lawyer, developing a theoretical exit strategy and shoring up your support network. You can start on these things whilst the clock is running down. When the deadline runs out you can be at least somewhat prepared for a worst case scenario. Of course then, the questions just get harder. Good luck Sister lanie , you are faced with some huge choice(s) here. |
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Jan 1, 2022 15:39:16 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your candid responses. That’s a huge part of what keeps me here and posting.
I did not need to set a concrete deadline as we have had an initial foray back into the more pleasurable aspects of our relationship. Sent out the old Year with a bang, quite literally. I will not be merely appeased, but rather consider this the end of a bleak phase a the beginning of the reestablishment of a return to more normalcy in the frequency of our intimate encounters.
One thing that really seemed to help him was when I looked honestly at us together and the man he is and let him know that I was still in love with him and appreciated the good qualities he possesses. That I realize I have a good man. I think he really needed to hear that. We all like to be and feel appreciated.
It’s a start, and we’re starting the new year on a very good note. I did work the holiday , so we had a nice early dinner today. Very loving, very low key. Some talk of a repeat performance. I do know that he was feeling a bit of pressure to preform, but it was unwarranted, thankfully.
I’m feeling hopeful and …renewed is as good a word as any, and pretty aptly describes my state of mind at the present moment.
|
|
lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by lanie on Mar 25, 2022 17:13:10 GMT -5
Hi everyone! I put all my updates under my topic “ I am staying” .
Still going strong ( in a good way!).
|
|
