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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 24, 2021 6:55:06 GMT -5
The start of this essay series is found here.
Exploring vows for a future podcast. Hitting CHERISH first because it is the least mentioned and attempts to define and understand it are fewer still. With no considerable authority of even research on the topic, I present my half-baked review of the word. I've interpreted this word to be the complement of love. Love can be platonic, and so can cherishing. Parents hopefully love children, people love causes, philanthropists can love their fellow man, Spouses can love each other and in the most general sense of the word, I find the common thread to be the act of benefitting another; improving their lot. Our efforts may not go appreciated and we may harm rather than help when we try, but it is the motivation that denotes the action of loving someone. It's partner, I feel, is CHERISH. It is the receiving of another's love; the appreciation for the effort in having something done on our behalf. We can cherish happy memories for the warmth and uplifting mood they bring us when we remember and re-experience the event in some small way. We can cherish good parenting when we feel grateful for parents that looked out for us, or perhaps provided a thoughtful gift. A soup kitchen may cherish the ten year volunteer that inexplicably doesn't seem to grow weary of washing big stew pots every damn day. We can cherish the perfectly mixed cream and sugar in the coffee our spouse brings us, a hug when we're troubled, or skin on skin warmth of lovemaking; an activity that uncommonly combines the opportunity to both love and cherish simultaneously. When this vow fails, we describe it as "taking someone for granted". The sense of entitlement can baffle. The motivation to continue loving acts can weaken and wane. Perhaps some might condemn such neediness given the vow to love until death and that the failure to CHERISH in response is no justification to reduce vigor of the vows, but the strength of commitment can vary with each person and the expectation of eternity grows in price cumulatively. The act of cherishing, noticing your benefactor's love and expressing gratitude or reciprocating with whatever ability you may manage, can become a loving act that the companion can cherish in kind.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 3, 2023 5:55:14 GMT -5
CHERISH was the first Vow I wrote about and it shows.
It got badly shortchanged.
The investigations of love, which required an addendum said more important things about Cherishing than its own entry.
At the risk of rehashing some of the LOVE essays, I'm going to flesh out the stub placed here.
Cherishing of memories can be done alone.
Cherishing your spouse, as you promised, can also be done alone, but why does one promise to do it in front of witnesses, while speaking directly to the spouse at a clergyman's directive unless the promise is to be fulfilled with community and spousal awareness.
Why promise to appreciate your spouse in solitude, in secret?
Is the promise to appreciate the terrific things your spouse is or does, but keep the warm fuzzies to yourself?
Are you accepting the obligation to thank your spouse, to reciprocate loving gestures in kind, or are thankful prayers to God sufficient.
While we may LOVE our spouse in secret, are we expected to convey the full benefits of loving if the spouse is kept in the dark? Do we send our flowers anonymously? Do we only whisper "I love you" when they are snoring?
Appreciation is a gift we give to those that are kind to us, it is a minor compensation to those that care for us. Why do we thank those that open the door for us? Why do we convey our appreciation? There may well be an altruistic intention to produce a useful habit of cooperation in society, but is this intent not reinforced by a clear signal the help has been noticed?
Within a marriage, is this strengthening of kindness not similar?
Is the absence of such acknowledgement in either society or marriage potentially going to weaken the attempt to create a bond? If one person is strengthening these bonds with effort, is the person benefitting, without acknowledgement, impairing the effort? Is the urge to improve relationships with fellow man and spouse equally encouraged by both words of gratitude and silence?
Perhaps to the best of us, there is no difference. I will not claim to be one of these. I am a lesser man.
If I hold the door for two people engaged in conversation and they fail to notice a door had been in their way moments before and they were not distracted from their rapport by the pause to reach for the handle, I do not begrudge them this. Allowing their bond to strengthen gives me a sense of purpose and my gesture may not encourage door holding, but it does encourage the rapport, a valued asset, itself.
If a person has their nose in their phone and similarly, obliviously partakes of the convenience I've provided, I am less enamored with my fellow man.
If a person looking straight ahead walks through without so much as glance in my direction, this person has ever so slightly soured my love of humankind. If I recognize this person and they are five steps behind me, do I hold the door again next time? Or leave them to attend to their own needs? What kind of day am I having? Are they five steps behind? Or ten? This person has put themselves at a disadvantage for want of two one-syllable words.
I do not know how universal these reactions are. I do notice that people take pains to acknowledge such minor acts of courtesy with thanks habitually. Often in a perfunctory fashion, but occasionally, if burdened with multiple shopping bags, with effusive emotion.
How different is this with loved ones?
It is a tradition, recently fallen out of favor, to express gratitude for even the most thoughtless gift. It can strain one's creativity to think of a plausible reaction to a token that reflects no knowledge of our personality or needs. The invention of the gift card was the inevitable result of this tradition having been put on life support. Dilbert's mother opining: "Oh! It's like cash, but less versatile!"
The thank you note is a tradition I only seldom adhere to, and I consider myself an embarrassment to my mother who raised me better than that. When I do send them, they are handwritten notes. I'm hoping that still matters. Does it? Hmph. Tangent.
Back to marriage. If a stranger did for us what our spouses do, perhaps we'd grow weary if we properly acknowledged the kindnesses of our spouse. Should we ask for expressions of appreciation for everything, would the whole exercise grow tedious? I dare say it would, and does.
Holding the door for our spouse, regardless of how many steps behind they are, grows to be expected. This is an unimpressive act of LOVE and we might be forgiven for taking such actions for granted. That which we do for strangers may be okay to not look for verbal thanks, nor provide it when we are on the receiving end.
What of greater kindnesses? Those which we would not do for strangers, lest we befuddle them. Do we buy our co-worker extra bags of chips they love because you spotted a sale? Maybe. Do we greet our letter carrier with a bouquet? Not without some explanation. Do we write a poem for our Lyft driver? Well, I guess. If you don't have enough for a tip and you should probably apologize as well.
These odd behaviors are not unheard of between spouses and may be unwise to accept such actions without acknowledgement or reciprocation. "She was shopping anyway.", "He just wants sex.", or "Talk is cheap." are reactions to the types of gestures above that we might expect from the early stages of disenchantment, but they can also be those performed by spouses in a state of deep resentment. Reacting to altruistic gestures with hostility is a level rarely achieved (but, arguably, might be more useful if they did.)
Indifference and silence are hallmarks of anger and to deploy them in response to extra efforts on our behalf run the risk of diminishing those efforts to be used elsewhere, or conveying unintended disengagement form the relationship. A subtle installment of space between the two of you.
Woe to the spouse that is crestfallen or dismayed by multiple gestures met with obliviousness and therefore calls upon the recipient to notice to it. Telegraphing the desire, or worse still, need for appreciation is seen as unbecoming. Weakness, childishness, and neediness are not attributions anyone wishes to be associated with themselves, but requesting appreciation can result in these.
The fear of being perceived as "fishing for compliments" or demonstrating vulnerability to the withdrawal or weakening of a bond can result in less emotionally risky responses, such as lowering the effort invested, de-emphasizing one's own gratitude for fear of conveying additional neediness, quiet ruminating about whether the loved one is angry, or quiet physical withdrawal.
This same cautious mindset stops us, most of the time, from growling "You're welcome" at the person waltzing through our opened door. We are above that. We are noble people who do not require such frivolities as words of thanks. Nay, not us.
Those words of thanks matter so very little from a stranger that we're likely over our irritation within moments, but what of indifference or obliviousness from a loved one? Repeatedly? In full knowledge of vows not to demonstrate such neglect? That's going to leave a mark, and it wouldn't take long. Such minor slights are the smallest wedges between people, but such narrow shivs can be noticed between close friends and raise questions. How much worse for two people who are declared "one flesh"? A wedge that separates one flesh serves as a knife.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 3, 2023 18:24:47 GMT -5
Earlier, and more so in the LOVE essay, I suggested that gratitude is a currency with which we reward those who do us kindness. The same magnification of effect in teh absence of gratitude works to the good. Gratitude given freely may be all we require to perform grand gestures for our closest loved ones. Just as grand gestures can be disturbing to those who deem themselves insufficiently close, gushing gratitude for gestures smaller in scope embarrass us or suspect sarcasm may be in play. A balance can be struck, casual gratitude for small favors from a stranger or acquaintance is the norm. The same level of gratitude compensating for notable efforts from our loved ones. Important or larger favors can be met with disbelieving gushing gratitude from strangers, and be matched by thanks from a spouse with melting eyes. Perhaps some of us have been lucky enough to go a bit above and beyond for a loved one and have been met by the same incredulous joy that strangers give us when we accidentally hit every single right note with a gift, or our timing of a desperately needed favor. So how is it that empirically costs us nothing can be so difficult to give? When we are displeased with a loved one, efforts to make amends can be met with silence or subdued gratitude. We choose not to reward behavior. We are not ready to be grateful yet. We choose not to CHERISH our loved one. Perhaps the mood will thaw. Perhaps the loved one will acknowledge an affront made and continue to attempt to make up for it. When the estimation of the insult is sufficiently disproportionate, the deliberate withholding of gratitude can reach a critical point at which the compensation has so outdone the initial faux pas and gone into territory of thanklessness that the chill can spread to both participants. In some instances, the gestures are looked upon with contempt, deemed "love bombing". Gestures meant to forget the problem caused, rather than apologize; inducing more negativity, rather than healing that which already exists. Acts of kindness become interpreted as attacks to one's dignity and invalidation of anger. In other cases a blameless caretaker can be worthy of gratitude yet receive none due to shame. If an imbalance grows to a critical level, thanks seem hollow. There is no way to repay. The payment proffered. Words of thanks fall flat for the recipient of kindness. The appropriate gratitude weighs heavy. It reminds the recipient of the debt that amasses with each kindness. The gratitude exists, but cannot be uttered nor expressed. This can have the same appearance as the gratitude having faded. Should this shame be interpreted as ingratitude, resentment may inappropriately appear and the recipient can reciprocate the nascent negativity, growing angry with the self-proclaiming martyr doing service, unasked, yet always surly and unwelcome, though needed. While gratitude has no formal price, we have a boundless supply., it can yet hold a cost too precious to bear parting with. Such gratitude can grow more precious when withheld, yet be insufficient to ransom love lost if held in miserly fashion for a season too long. NEXT: For Better, For Worse |
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